How do you unwreck yourself after a scene?

[PrisonerOfDoubt]

Yes! Now I know-- Sub drop BLOWS. It's like a gaping vortex in your chest and everything in the world appears to be miserable. I will definitely be more careful in the future. I think maybe I was too intense for that guy and/or there are factors that he is choosing not to reveal to me. Fuck him. Not sorry.

 

[DVS]

I have never dropped before. Now that I know what it feels like, it'll be on my radar in the future. I will be a lot more cautious.

You mentioned cancer. I hope it's gone or in remission, but if you are still taking any meds, they may have had an impact on your sub drop. No, I'm not a doctor, but I do know that sometimes medications can dull, enhance or even change how you feel at any given time.

It's just something to think about.

I'm really glad that you are rid of that...um...person. Sadly, I don't think he had your well being in mind at any time. Unfortunately, there are more out there, just like him.

And it's not easy to find someone who will have feelings for you. I wish I knew how to tell, but it's so easy for people to lie with a straight face, these days.

And did you say you have a blow gun? And this guy felt secure in doing what he did. Damn, doesn't he know you could hide behind a bush in the darkness and strike without him even knowing what hit him? Some doms are so stupid.

I'm very glad to hear that you are feeling better. And like I said, you are far from the only one to experience this. There's even a dom drop.
Take care of yourself.

 

[RopeBunny69]

Yes! Now I know-- Sub drop BLOWS. It's like a gaping vortex in your chest and everything in the world appears to be miserable. I will definitely be more careful in the future. I think maybe I was too intense for that guy and/or there are factors that he is choosing not to reveal to me. Fuck him. Not sorry.

It absolutely blows!!! But when handled correctly, can strengthen the bond between dom / sub. Never be sorry for letting go and surrendering to the intensity. It's part of what makes subbing fulfilling.

I'm so glad you're feeling better today!

 

[PrisonerOfDoubt]

You mentioned cancer. I hope it's gone or in remission, but if you are still taking any meds, they may have had an impact on your sub drop. No, I'm not a doctor, but I do know that sometimes medications can dull, enhance or even change how you feel at any given time...

And it's not easy to find someone who will have feelings for you. I wish I knew how to tell, but it's so easy for people to lie with a straight face, these days.

And did you say you have a blow gun? And this guy felt secure in doing what he did. Damn, doesn't he know you could hide behind a bush in the darkness and strike without him even knowing what hit him? Some doms are so stupid.

I'm very glad to hear that you are feeling better. And like I said, you are far from the only one to experience this. There's even a dom drop.
Take care of yourself.

Oh, I have kicked cancer to the curb. (Fuck cancer.) Adapting to life as person with only half of her abdominal muscles has been a lesson in pain and perseverance, but I'm groovy. It has changed the way I behave as a human, so it seems reasonable to assume that it bleeds into my sex life. That why I was slow and cautious when reentering kinkdom. I wasn't slow nor cautious enough maybe.

Yes I do have a blow gun, but I am way too nice to aim it anything or anyone alive. He doesn't know about my aim though. Hmmm...I think I will keep it that way.

Thanks for the advice. Dom drop? I will be spending time reading through the library you mentioned.

ROPEBUNNY: I think you're cool.

 

[ultramarineblue]

Oh, I have kicked cancer to the curb. (Fuck cancer.) Adapting to life as person with only half of her abdominal muscles has been a lesson in pain and perseverance, but I'm groovy. It has changed the way I behave as a human, so it seems reasonable to assume that it bleeds into my sex life. That why I was slow and cautious when reentering kinkdom. I wasn't slow nor cautious enough maybe.

Yes I do have a blow gun, but I am way too nice to aim it anything or anyone alive. He doesn't know about my aim though. Hmmm...I think I will keep it that way.

Thanks for the advice. Dom drop? I will be spending time reading through the library you mentioned.

ROPEBUNNY: I think you're cool.

You have to take some risks though. Calculated risks are a good way to learn more about yourself. Now you know there is a great possibility that you'll have sub drop a day or so after a session depending on the intensity of the session. When you are in negotiations, that can become part of them now. It could be as simple as needing to talk about everything a few days later.

I don't usually include aftercare in my negotiations. I don't think I actually go through sub drop much. I have to do a lot of self care in general so that I don't become too overwhelmed from life in general.

People react in unexpected ways sometimes. I wonder if he had trouble processing as well. It could be as simple as he's an ass for not being willing to talk or is this reaction from him unusual? That being said, I would not play with him again without a lot more discussion. As you gain experience, you'll better know your needs before, during, and after a scene.

I hope you are doing better now. From your response here, it seems as though you may be. Take care.

 

[DVS]

Sub drop is really something that happens because of the intensity of a session. It can be mental or physical, and usually a combination of the two. The relationship between dom and sub can sometimes bring sub drop on, but it's not totally understood.

Not everybody experiences sub drop and many get it, but not bad enough to bother with it. It can bring on chills, a frantic desire to be held, comforted and it can last from a few minutes or a couple of days, in extreme cases. Without knowing what it is, it can seem like a panic attack, or something similar.

I do think that if after care is given by the dom, sub drop might not last as long as it will, if after care isn't given. If nothing else, just sitting and talking after the session can be enough. Snuggling and touching during this can go a long way in alleviating sub drop. And just knowing that sub drop might happen should tell the dom he has a job to do, after all of the fun is over.

I've only played with one woman who experienced sub drop. After the session, she started shivering and was nearly crying. All she needed was a blanket around her to feel secure and someone to hold her for a while. Actually, I thought it was kind of nice to be able to comfort her in that way. Who knows how long she may have felt like that, if I hadn't been there for her. I felt like a super dom!

Sub drop is a real thing. Some experience it and some don't. And some don't experience it to the same extent every session. It may be possible to understand more about sub drop in yourself and be able to lessen its impact. And maybe it just takes a dom who is willing to stick around and show you he cares.

 

[Farawyn]

I have not much more to say than my first post, but I’m lurking.
Very happy you are okay, OP.

 

[barefootgirl69]

I have never dropped before. Now that I know what it feels like, it'll be on my radar in the future. I will be a lot more cautious.

That's exactly what I said after my first experience!

I had no idea why I was so emotional and needy after the intimacy, allowing myself to let go and just feel. I couldn't explain it to him because I felt ashamed for being needy.

I don't think I can manage "cautious" without hindering things as they're going on. But, I know what I need after, and I speak up now.

 

[ultramarineblue]

Sub drop is a real thing. Some experience it and some don't. And some don't experience it to the same extent every session. It may be possible to understand more about sub drop in yourself and be able to lessen its impact. And maybe it just takes a dom who is willing to stick around and show you he cares.

I wonder if it has been knowing that if I really needed the help from the dom that he would provide it, the reason I may not have needed it as much.

 

[DVS]

I wonder if it has been knowing that if I really needed the help from the dom that he would provide it, the reason I may not have needed it as much.

I guess that could be possible. I don't think anybody really knows exactly how it works for sure, since sub drop is different for everybody. It just takes someone experimenting, I guess, or at least taking note of how they feel after any given session, and with any given dom.

Not knowing that much myself (because, being a dom, I've never experienced sub drop), it could be that you subconsciously know that your dom would give you after care, if you really needed it. So, because of that, you don't need that much. Just knowing the help is there if needed might be enough. It sounds feasible to me.

I look at it this way...I have general anxiety disorder. Sometimes, just knowing that I have Xanax in case I need it is all it takes to make me feel better. I know, if I didn't have Xanax, I'd be much more likely to have an attack. So, isn't this in a way, similar to what you are saying?

 

[Mei5ter]

How do you unwreck yourself in the days following a scene?

I experienced my first D/s scene in years with a Dominant I have known and trusted for a long time. It cracked me open. I was completely raw and vulnerable. When the next day came around, I was still cracked open! I am suffering. This is a new trick-- I suspect it's subdrop. Anyway I reached out to my Dom and he said that it's not normal to feel so emotional and that he doesn't have time this week to provide hugs or aftercare or even to talk. So now I have to figure out how to pull myself out of this slump and I'm not sure what to do. Any advice? Is there anything that you've tried that works for you?

I’m very sorry your Dom doesn’t seem to understand that with power comes responsibility. There are other words for men who just hurt women for fun.

It is completely normal and natural for to feel emotional after something so intense. I’d be worried if you didn’t. I cannot understand why he wouldn’t want the pleasure of putting you back together again, but that’s my personal view.

You and your reaction are both perfectly normal, natural and healthy. He’s screwed up this time. Not you.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I guess that could be possible. I don't think anybody really knows exactly how it works for sure, since sub drop is different for everybody. It just takes someone experimenting, I guess, or at least taking note of how they feel after any given session, and with any given dom.

Not knowing that much myself (because, being a dom, I've never experienced sub drop), it could be that you subconsciously know that your dom would give you after care, if you really needed it. So, because of that, you don't need that much. Just knowing the help is there if needed might be enough. It sounds feasible to me.

I look at it this way...I have general anxiety disorder. Sometimes, just knowing that I have Xanax in case I need it is all it takes to make me feel better. I know, if I didn't have Xanax, I'd be much more likely to have an attack. So, isn't this in a way, similar to what you are saying?

I think it is similar. It is very interesting how different people are affected on both sides.

 

[txgent101]

Probably Completely from Left Field...

I have not been part of a BDSM session/relationship, but....

When I have had an intense, emotional (hetero) sexual encounter, I do find myself rather lost in the aftereffects. Sort of a 'stunned' feeling. I simultaneously want to withdraw and hold her tightly at the same time. It takes a day or two before I feel normal (whatever that is).

And like another poster, I have issues with depression and anxiety, so that is a factor as well.

If my thought here is a non-sequitur, sorry but the discussion struck a chord.

 

[Farawyn]

The funny thing is, with me, it’s more about my feelings going into it, than the actual fucking or playing.

Necro moved here 3 months after my dad died. The day after my dog died. 2 days before my cousin died.
When we were together after my cousin, I came, harder than I ever have. And then I cried. Harder than I ever had. Ever.

If he wasn’t there? I would have broke.
This wasn’t a scene.
More following what tx was saying up there.
The emotion of it.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I definitely think emotion plays a big role. I often send a message after playing with someone (especially if we haven't played much), to give feedback on what really worked or even to explain my thought process or a reaction. For example, during a recent session, I was shaking a good bit. It wasn't from fear at all. However, I wasn't sure that he knew that because I had expressed some fear about other aspects we were going to try. It was a good negotiation and I wanted to make sure he knew I didn't feel afraid or have a bad reaction. If I don't receive a response from that message is when I have trouble. I can totally handle if he responded and said he wasn't feeling another session. It's the not knowing that gets me. I'm not sure that would even be considered sub drop at that point though.

 

[txgent101]

Emotion and Holding Back

Part of my problem is that I have trouble pacing myself. Once things get started, I am 'all in' (no pun). My mind knows I should limit the time/energy I put into a sexual encounter, but my emotions urge me on. My encounters are few, so I try to make the most of it. But pay for it in the later emotional letdown.

And I identify with ultramarineblue; i.e., I find myself shaking and try to take that as a signal to discontinue. But, there she is, and I want more....

 

[Angedesoleil]

I definitely think emotion plays a big role. I often send a message after playing with someone (especially if we haven't played much), to give feedback on what really worked or even to explain my thought process or a reaction. For example, during a recent session, I was shaking a good bit. It wasn't from fear at all. However, I wasn't sure that he knew that because I had expressed some fear about other aspects we were going to try. It was a good negotiation and I wanted to make sure he knew I didn't feel afraid or have a bad reaction. If I don't receive a response from that message is when I have trouble. I can totally handle if he responded and said he wasn't feeling another session. It's the not knowing that gets me. I'm not sure that would even be considered sub drop at that point though.

This. So much this. This is where I am. This.

 

[ultramarineblue]

This. So much this. This is where I am. This.

I try to let it go because I know people would rather not say than communicate something unpleasant. It is so hard to let it go though. If I'm in a good place, it is easier but even then sometimes it's enough to knock me out of the good place.

 

[RacyWilde]

How do you unwreck yourself in the days following a scene?

I experienced my first D/s scene in years with a Dominant I have known and trusted for a long time. It cracked me open. I was completely raw and vulnerable. When the next day came around, I was still cracked open! I am suffering. This is a new trick-- I suspect it's subdrop. Anyway I reached out to my Dom and he said that it's not normal to feel so emotional and that he doesn't have time this week to provide hugs or aftercare or even to talk. So now I have to figure out how to pull myself out of this slump and I'm not sure what to do. Any advice? Is there anything that you've tried that works for you?

In my opinion, the Dom is behaving inappropriately. Exercising dominance is about owning the responsibility for the journey they take the sub on in a session (even a relationship). He has not guided you through the whole journey but has instead left you too early so you have to walk the rest of the way home by yourself. Any responsible Dom/me knows that even though the physical journey is over, the emotional journey might take another week to complete. Therefore, they know to keep themselves available, even if it is only a one-off play session.

I would suggest to a sub, rather than trying to ignore, control or get over emotions quickly, be kind to yourself. It is your mind's way of saying you need to slow down and take it easy. Let your mind naturally work through things. Forcing it generally just suppresses, which makes you hold onto your emotions or some part therefore for another time to come out (often when you least want them to). You need time to release your emotions. Pain, and hurt and suffering are not bad. They are part of being human, they are a part of growth. Allow them to run their course, be aware of them and don't let them over take you, but don't force them out.

The best thing about your post is, you are self aware. You are learning. You know what is happening, so you are in the best position to care for yourself.

 

[DVS]

I try to let it go because I know people would rather not say than communicate something unpleasant. It is so hard to let it go though. If I'm in a good place, it is easier but even then sometimes it's enough to knock me out of the good place.

Just sitting and talking about anything after the session is all you need, sometimes. You don't have to talk about the session, good or bad, but it still helps you relax when you just sit back and talk. Maybe a drink or some coffee, or my favorite...lemonade!

 

[PrisonerOfDoubt]

Thank you

Thank you all so much for sharing your advice, your careful opinions, your experiences, and your productive discussion of a subject I am sort of new to. I have been following along and it has given me much to think about. Since I have no intention of quitting the kinkiverse again, I must factor in the possibility of sub drop when negotiating scenes. And yes, I feel much better now and more confident that I can help myself more in the future.

I have forgiven my friend and accepted his choices, but I won't repeat my mistake in counting on a Dominant to be available after a scene without making it clear from the onset that I may need it. I should not have assumed that, even though we've been good friends for many years, he would be willing talk to me or spend time with me afterwards. Reading into it more than that feels like poking a bruise still, so I'm just not going to do it. I'm viewing it as a misunderstanding that I will endeavor not to repeat.

 

[ultramarineblue]

Just sitting and talking about anything after the session is all you need, sometimes. You don't have to talk about the session, good or bad, but it still helps you relax when you just sit back and talk. Maybe a drink or some coffee, or my favorite...lemonade!

You are so right about this. It just shows that you recognize that one another is human especially after a scene that may be degrading, etc. Lemonade is quite refreshing! My favorite treat lately has been non alcoholic ginger beer. So yummy!

Thank you all so much for sharing your advice, your careful opinions, your experiences, and your productive discussion of a subject I am sort of new to. I have been following along and it has given me much to think about. Since I have no intention of quitting the kinkiverse again, I must factor in the possibility of sub drop when negotiating scenes. And yes, I feel much better now and more confident that I can help myself more in the future.

I have forgiven my friend and accepted his choices, but I won't repeat my mistake in counting on a Dominant to be available after a scene without making it clear from the onset that I may need it. I should not have assumed that, even though we've been good friends for many years, he would be willing talk to me or spend time with me afterwards. Reading into it more than that feels like poking a bruise still, so I'm just not going to do it. I'm viewing it as a misunderstanding that I will endeavor not to repeat.

I'm so glad you're doing better. In my experience, most doms have offered aftercare especially the first few times we've played. I think it is very good to include it in negotiations going forward. I have played with two that didn't usually do much aftercare which worked for us. One I exchanged messages after while the other we often don't do any type. He actually included it one of the last few times we played and it was really sweet. I was kind of shocked though because I didn't expect it. We had talked about including it prior and I didn't expect it to be quite so gentle and sweet.

Please continue to share your experiences and ask questions if you have them. There are amazing people on these boards.

 

[formertroll]

to all,

switchy guy here. I've felt the drop on both sides and have experienced being the one who didn't drop on both sides. not a lot of times since i'm new to the deal (online only) but here's a few things I've learned.

1. plan time for aftercare immediately after play. don't D/s for 2 hours when you have somewhere to go at the 2:15 point, that's just not cool. communication is key.

2. support one another back to equilibrium no matter how long it takes. communicate well.

3. if you're still out of whack in the morning after, take extra time together to strengthen the underlying friendship, talk out the raw spots, tell stories, and generally ease your way back to whatever is your baseline. in general, communicate.

4. for me it is not unusual to finish domming and immediately want to sub or vice versa, but I have learned the hard way that even other switches aren't into that. communication is key

5. did I mention communication is key?

 

[DVS]

Thank you all so much for sharing your advice, your careful opinions, your experiences, and your productive discussion of a subject I am sort of new to. I have been following along and it has given me much to think about. Since I have no intention of quitting the kinkiverse again, I must factor in the possibility of sub drop when negotiating scenes. And yes, I feel much better now and more confident that I can help myself more in the future.

I have forgiven my friend and accepted his choices, but I won't repeat my mistake in counting on a Dominant to be available after a scene without making it clear from the onset that I may need it. I should not have assumed that, even though we've been good friends for many years, he would be willing talk to me or spend time with me afterwards. Reading into it more than that feels like poking a bruise still, so I'm just not going to do it. I'm viewing it as a misunderstanding that I will endeavor not to repeat.

kinkiverse is kind of a nice way of putting things. I like it. And you do need to put everything out in front, before you do a scene with someone. You can't assume something is going to happen. You should also allow for time to sit and talk afterwards.

Trying to squeeze a little play time into a lunch break won't be a good thing. Things like that just give a dom who might not be such a cuddly guy a way out. I call them wannabes or a better term for them is low life losers. They give good doms a bad name and make it more difficult for the rest of us to find willing submissives to play with.

And I don't blame submissives for being concerned. We have novice doms out there saying they are experienced and we have low life horny guys who like the idea of a pretty woman submitting to most anything he says, as long as he wears leather and talks the dom talk.

It's evolved into quite an elaborate process of finding someone who's legitimate and honest to scene with. But, like I've said before, if any submissive woman wants to check me out and have a safe caller and anything else, just to feel safe with me, I don't mind that a bit.

I once was setting up a meeting with a woman after emailing her for a while. She finally felt safe enough for a face to face talk in a restaurant. I quite frankly told her she could bring anybody with her she wanted to, as long a they knew what we were going to talk about and were OK with it. I didn't mind if she brought her best friend or even her mother, just as long as she would feel at ease.

And with some guys, you have to make sure you park somewhere that he can't see your car or license. Some guys can find you with that info. You should leave first and if possible have someone stay in the restaurant until you can call them and say you are out of the area. This person should be sitting somewhere other than at your table and the dom should not know where this person is. This is so he can't rush out of the restaurant and get your tag number or even stand at the window and look at it.

You have to think like a sneaky dom wannabe would. You just don't know what's in some people's minds. You have to think the worst is possible, and hope that you're over thinking the whole thing.

I'm just glad I'm on the dom side of this. I don't know if my nerves could handle being on the submissive side. But, if you get your system set up with friends that are willing to help and you can trust them, any good dom should go along with your cloak and dagger rules.

And I don't know for sure, but it could be that the more you play with someone, and get use to their ways, any sub drop might ease up. I could be wrong about this, and only someone who has played continuously with the same dom could chime in here and answer that.

Just keep your front up, until you know and feel secure about someone. That kinkiverse you speak of is a lot of fun, when all is said and done. Sometimes it just takes a while to find someone who you are compatible with.

 

[PuckIt]

I've been following this thread as I can since about it's inception. (As I could because there were a few days there sitting up was too difficult, but I'm caught back up.)

I don't know. It's entirely possible that I am just even stranger than we've all already accepted that I am. But, for me, that wide open, stretched soul feeling is exactly what I've always targeted. Even in relationships which weren't obviously D/s yet still incorporated a sexual component. For me, being unable to take someone to that plane where their emotions were running away with them meant that I had failed.

And it left me more than a trifle unbalanced in the scenarios where I was denied the opportunity to give aftercare.

I don't know anything really. But, to me it just makes infinite sense to at the very least share some conversation and quality time with each other, letting each other know that you are actually more than just masturbation toy.

And the times that it has happened that the woman withdrew and locked down and seemed emotionally distant, I felt it as a failure to perform on my part. That I hadn't known how to get her where she wanted... where she needed to go.

Intellectually, I know that some people need that very distance in order to get themselves normalized. But, emotionally... well, I don't know. I guess I had a need to feel needed. If that makes any sense. And it threw me off balance to attempt to be there for someone who refused to allow me to be, who in fact my efforts to that effect made uncomfortable.

*shrug*

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it makes no sense why a dominant (and yes, that lower-cased "d" is apurpose) would say that this is not normal and they don't have the time or inclination to deal with it and I have to wonder if they didn't look on their submissive as little more than a toy to be discarded once they were done playing.

I mean, seriously now, even taking D/s out of the equation even just the hormone and neurotransmitters swinging loose after a good hard orgasm are going to cause some low feelings. And it just makes sense to me that the neuroendocrine changes post-coital are just as much a part of the total experience as the act itself. Or should be.

I don't know. I just know that for me personally, not only do I have a problem with a self-described D not hanging around for aftercare, I also struggle with an s not allowing their D to try to help.