How does a bi-newbie guy come out to his wife?

[JT1999]

I still don't exactly get it. Do you have permission to go fool around with women while married? It doesn't sound like you do, it sounds like that all stopped when you got married. If that's the case, then, there would be no hypocrisy in expecting him to also not go extramarital on you.

It stopped for a few reasons but none of them were him withdrawing permission. I sold my flat and moved in with him, into a house he owned but it was a big renovation project. We’d gotten the main stuff done the year before, roof, floors, walls knocked out etc but it all needed skimming, painting, decorating, gardening. Cashflow was becoming an issue for him and he wouldn’t take any money from me, so he went back to work, he’s a builder. I quit my retail job and threw myself into the house and garden, learned as I went. At the same time I started doing weight loss coaching and personal training. Life just sort of got in the way.

Also, since graduating I’d had very little opportunity to meet women. There were some I knew from uni that I occasionally travelled to see or they came to me but people move on. There was only one girl I met after moving back to my hometown after uni. I didn’t feel like I could just be openly bisexual and flirty with other women the same way I could in a very liberal university environment. So really it was more a lack of opportunity. Plus moving in with him, I wanted to really give our relationship my full attention. We talk about every now and then, another FFM and we’ve decided to do it the same as last time, I meet her first and get to know her before we introduce him. But after finding out I was pregnant I deleted our Fetlife profile. To be fair it was mostly men and couples messaging us anyway.

Anyway he’s not in the slightest bit bisexual so it’s never going to happen that way. Hopefully one day I get to experience being with a woman again but only if the time and vibe is right and it doesn’t interfere with our home life.

 

[Britva415]

Anyway he’s not in the slightest bit bisexual

Ohhhh

 

[JT1999]

Ohhhh

Yeah sorry, reading back I don’t think it was all that obvious that I was answering a purely hypothetical question. He’s straight as an arrow. Although with the amount of arse-slapping that goes on when he’s out with his old rugby team mates, maybe I shouldn’t be so sure

 

[Oshkosh60]

We really never know what goes on in a scrum do we ?

 

[MrMannson]

See, this is something I’ve been trying to grapple with for awhile.

As I’ve said on different threads here, my wife has no idea of my bisexuality side, and I think (maybe prematurely) that she would divorce me after all these years because it would be a shock to her. Even though our sex life has hit a very slow point lately, I don’t believe she would be okay with me heading out after supper and meeting a guy in a park to get my dick sucked. I work in a very public role, am pretty much as masculine as they come, and have a family who lord knows would have to sign up for counseling if it ever became known. So I struggle with it behind closed doors.

I’ve lately been very subtle in my throwing out hints, but as much as I love my wife, she hasn’t picked up on it. I wish life was different. I’m on the Sniffies app locally, and every time I get close to a meet up I chicken out. I do feel like it should be as convenient as being away at a conference and a colleague just happening to stop by my hotel room as I get out of the shower and away we go. More than likely, I’ll keep riding this uncertain wave of trying to find the words to tell my wife. Very difficult at this point.

 

[JT1999]

See, this is something I’ve been trying to grapple with for awhile.

As I’ve said on different threads here, my wife has no idea of my bisexuality side, and I think (maybe prematurely) that she would divorce me after all these years because it would be a shock to her. Even though our sex life has hit a very slow point lately, I don’t believe she would be okay with me heading out after supper and meeting a guy in a park to get my dick sucked. I work in a very public role, am pretty much as masculine as they come, and have a family who lord knows would have to sign up for counseling if it ever became known. So I struggle with it behind closed doors.

I’ve lately been very subtle in my throwing out hints, but as much as I love my wife, she hasn’t picked up on it. I wish life was different. I’m on the Sniffies app locally, and every time I get close to a meet up I chicken out. I do feel like it should be as convenient as being away at a conference and a colleague just happening to stop by my hotel room as I get out of the shower and away we go. More than likely, I’ll keep riding this uncertain wave of trying to find the words to tell my wife. Very difficult at this point.

I would say be very careful about it. Good chance it is the end if it becomes known. Very few women would consider being in a long term relationship with a bi guy.

Its for reasons like this that I am really grateful men are more open-minded about sex and generally don't feel threatened by other women if they're with a woman who swings both ways. If I was in a relationship with a woman I doubt I would be able to explore occasionally with men. A lot of lesbians wouldn't even get into a relationship with a bisexual woman purely because of that implied risk she would one day want to be with a guy.

 

[write_or_wrong]

See, this is something I’ve been trying to grapple with for awhile.

As I’ve said on different threads here, my wife has no idea of my bisexuality side, and I think (maybe prematurely) that she would divorce me after all these years because it would be a shock to her. Even though our sex life has hit a very slow point lately, I don’t believe she would be okay with me heading out after supper and meeting a guy in a park to get my dick sucked. I work in a very public role, am pretty much as masculine as they come, and have a family who lord knows would have to sign up for counseling if it ever became known. So I struggle with it behind closed doors.

I’ve lately been very subtle in my throwing out hints, but as much as I love my wife, she hasn’t picked up on it. I wish life was different. I’m on the Sniffies app locally, and every time I get close to a meet up I chicken out. I do feel like it should be as convenient as being away at a conference and a colleague just happening to stop by my hotel room as I get out of the shower and away we go. More than likely, I’ll keep riding this uncertain wave of trying to find the words to tell my wife. Very difficult at this point.

Sad, but so common. I hope you get at least one opportunity to explore. But, that will probably make you want it even more. Sorry.

 

[Oshkosh60]

Yeah JT, i agree.

You have to ask yourself if the pleasure you seek, is worth not only the relationship with your wife but that of your other family members and friends.... and associates. Yes, it is 2026. But every person has a hard "NO" and even if the are on the surface understanding and supportive of others.... that changes a bit when it involves their home and their bedroom. (Guess Who is Coming to Dinner)

I had a friend and neighbor who was caught looking at gay sites by his wife on the internet. He had been gay all his life but had married and had three children. It was devastating to their family. Yes, I felt badly for everyone. And though I sensed he was gay or at least bi from the first time I met him, I nearly died when his wife said she was taken by complete surprise as she found him to be so "manly". Now there are lots of very masculine gay and bi men out there, but he wasn't. Or maybe I sensed it before she did because he seemed to have an interest in me. They divorced, lots of heartache.... and years later they were living together again though I think that was kind of a financial thing. They made peace with one another but yeah, it opens a can of worms and can change things dramatically.

And on the flip side. I knew a 70 year old guy who was a professional and he decided to transition to female at that age. His wife was supportive. And after he officially retired, he did transition and she was okay with it, though some family members and friends were not. But he also had a medical condition and I think he felt he no longer had any reason to be 'stuck' presenting as a male when he felt feminine all his life. (I would have used 'she' but didn't want to muddy the waters since I was also discussing his wife)

 

[Britva415]

We really never know what goes on in a scrum do we ?

"It's not gay if it's in a three way"
-Justin Timberlake, Andy Samberg and lady Gaga

 

[P0peye]

I've been a compulsive cocksucker my whole life. At various times during my career as a cocksucker, I have met with various men, allowing them to aggressively fuck my throat. I was introduced to this practice during what began as porn watching, jerk off sessions, involving me and my best friend Larry. These sessions rapidly evolved into us duplicating acts we watched being performed onscreen, ultimately leading me to agree to become his personal cocksucker where he would roughly force the entire length of his abnormally large cock all the way down my throat, before savagely fucking my throat and ultimately ejaculating deep inside me. I LOVED IT!!!! Although we were best friends, Larry had a sadistic streak and would delight in making me gag on his cock as he fucked my throat. Strange to say. I also liked letting him do it. For a number of years, we would meet almost daily to satisfy my burgeoning, oral obsession
Fast forward to today. I am currently married to my second wife. We have been happily married for almost 50 years. I have 3 children from a first marriage. Until recently, the only people who knew of my oral obsession have been the men whose cocks I suck and incidental acquaintances involved in facilitating my fetish for performing fellatio. None of the women with whom I have had relationships ever knew about my extracurricular oral activities until recently when about 3 years ago, I decided to admit to my current wife about my sexual history and to describe to her, in detail, about my oral evolution. I began by telling her that I had been my best friend's personal cocksucker for a number of years, and that I delighted in allowing my throat to be "used" by him as a flesh and blood "cock sleeve" for him to masturbate himself with, and as a convenient cum receptacle for him to dispose of his semen when he was through. I particularly wanted her to know of the depths of my depravity, and to understand that I encouraged him in his severe treatment of me, allowing him to "gag" me on his cock and to deprive me of oxygen by blocking my airway. I attempted to explain to her how that by allowing him to subjugate and dominate me, both thrilled me and satisfied some deep seated "need" to be denigrated and demeaned.
I further went on to describe episodes where I gave blowjobs to men I met online for that purpose and other incidents where I sucked the cocks of anonymous patrons at the local adult bookstores. Needless to say, my wife was shocked and surprised by my revelations and has questioned my purpose for having informed her of my sexual (mis)adventures.
At various times, I have attempted to revisit this conversation, only to be met with resistance and objections regarding my motivation for wanting to continue to discuss this "abnormal and deviant" sexual activity.
I suspect that my wife has, to some degree, lost respect for me because of my revelations and now considers me as being somewhat less than she did before.

 

[liqueur]

I suspect that my wife has, to some degree, lost respect for me because of my revelations and now considers me as being somewhat less than she did before.

It's certainly possible, of course, depending on what cultural baggage she brings to the table. But what I have noticed, both in personal experience and in observing others, is that women are less likely to be judgemental of the act itself and much more threatened (often to the point of irrational anger) by what it says about your monogamy and their personal security.

 

[Sounding22]

I really didn’t have to come out/tell the wife. She knew by how my body reacted to seeing her verses men.
I remember her referring to me as her gay husband as well, plus she told our daughter.
One nice thing is. I spoke to her the other day and she mentioned how she and a friend from when they were little have become real close.
Told her I was real happy for them~~~

 

[smoothwiener]

As others have aluded to, watch some porn together try some of the bisexual stuff, gauge her reaction to that first, if it's positive hint at if she's love seeing you get tailed or sucking a guy off, if you get a negative pushback brush it off, and back away from the topic, some women will be receptive others will absolutely not be, a few will be in that grey middle ground.

You don't want to sour the relationship. But tread carefully and slowly.

 

[Uncut1969]

I dont think I could cum out to her! She is very vanilla and has menopause so no sex at all ! She never had any fantasies or liked to talk about sex! I have asked her to have another man in bed with us her not knowing I want to play with him also! So me telling her I wanted to try cock would probably be an end game for marriage !

 

[ClockworkFox]

I would say be very careful about it. Good chance it is the end if it becomes known. Very few women would consider being in a long term relationship with a bi guy.

Its for reasons like this that I am really grateful men are more open-minded about sex and generally don't feel threatened by other women if they're with a woman who swings both ways. If I was in a relationship with a woman I doubt I would be able to explore occasionally with men. A lot of lesbians wouldn't even get into a relationship with a bisexual woman purely because of that implied risk she would one day want to be with a guy.

A lot of lesbians wouldn't even get into a relationship with a bisexual woman purely because of that implied risk she would one day want to be with a guy.

Yeah, right. I can see that fear developing, sure enough, JT1999. But ... that bisexual woman might well get the wandering eye just as easily for ... another woman, doh!!

The whole "What if?" thing is pretty much illogical, because any heterosexual in a relationship with another heterosexual might one day want to be with any other heterosexual, innit? What does it matter? You're in a relationship, so your fear of someone straying outside it could materialise any old how - same sex, different sex, both ...

 

[ClockworkFox]

I dont think I could cum out to her! She is very vanilla and has menopause so no sex at all ! She never had any fantasies or liked to talk about sex! I have asked her to have another man in bed with us her not knowing I want to play with him also! So me telling her I wanted to try cock would probably be an end game for marriage !

I have asked her to have another man in bed with us her not knowing I want to play with him also!

If it ever happened, it might be a helluva good idea to tell not only HER, but ALSO the other man. Not everyone likes surprises, especially if it's one of those WTF surprises. I doubt they'd both see the funny side.

 

[Uncut1969]

I have asked her to have another man in bed with us her not knowing I want to play with him also!

If it ever happened, it might be a helluva good idea to tell not only HER, but ALSO the other man. Not everyone likes surprises, especially if it's one of those WTF surprises. I doubt they'd both see the funny side.

I would like to think if he is willing to be in bed with another guy and his wife there might be and be willing to touch and be touched and more!

 

[smoothwiener]

Why do you feel like you need too, cheating with a guy is the same grounds for a divorce as it is with a women, and to grab half your stuff as she's leaving.

Unless she's a rare one that won't see it that way.

I'd find out long before you say anything if she's even cool with that sort of thing.

 

[Britva415]

Why do you feel like you need too, cheating with a guy is the same grounds for a divorce as it is with a women

I don't think this has to be about disclosing cheating. Even if I wasn't looking for extramarital sex and intended to be faithful till death do us part, I still would need to have my sexual orientation known and respected. A spouse I can't be honest about myself with is no kind of spouse I'd want, at all.

 

[JT1999]

A lot of lesbians wouldn't even get into a relationship with a bisexual woman purely because of that implied risk she would one day want to be with a guy.

Yeah, right. I can see that fear developing, sure enough, JT1999. But ... that bisexual woman might well get the wandering eye just as easily for ... another woman, doh!!

The whole "What if?" thing is pretty much illogical, because any heterosexual in a relationship with another heterosexual might one day want to be with any other heterosexual, innit? What does it matter? You're in a relationship, so your fear of someone straying outside it could materialise any old how - same sex, different sex, both ...

Yep, makes no sense does it? People of all orientations cheat. But it feels like us bisexual people are seen as twice the risk.

 

[liqueur]

Yep, makes no sense does it? People of all orientations cheat. But it feels like us bisexual people are seen as twice the risk.

Because “twice the opportunities”—

 

[SCRob95060]

First, before you tell her find a good lawyer. It’s probably going to go that way, sorry.

 

[Burstplayer]

There's really no upside on telling her, unless you think there is a high probably it will work out. If the goal is that you can have your play partners with her permission or her inclusion (it was mine..) then I'd say you should know the answer already by knowing your wife, if you've been married a long time. My wife figured it out through our pegging sessions which turned pretty intense and clear that I was having a level of enjoyment that wasn't happening in our regular sex sessions. Though she didn't freak out and leave, she also is not willing to participate in or indorse any M/M play for me.

 

[kathyisgr65]

Incriminating pics on her pillow
Unless u actually like her..then talk to her like an adult w and pray