How far is to far?

[Marquis]

I think being in the hospital 3x per week is pretty extreme by any standards. I once had to take a trip to home depot to have shackles removed from a sub when I lost a padlock key. That was kind of cute and fun. Your situation sounds more like kind of crazy you will probably be in a similar situation again soon.

 

[Primalex]

Still waiting for the pictures...

 

[Evil_Geoff]

I was in a D/s relationship and he would, control what I wore, when I went places, my make-up, and everything about my daily life, but he also cut huge gashes in to my stomach and leg, he would ignore my safe word. I was in the hospital more than 3 times a week. We split up when he wouldn't let me go to the hospital when I was bleeding severely.

I was always worried this was normal for a Dom, to love to hurt you to such extremes. To laugh at you when your in true honest pain, to make you bleed and laugh.....

Understand that I am answering this without reading any intervening replies, and from the perspective of a sadist.

With consent, I would not have any problems doing exactly the kinds of things you describe. Without consent? That shit ain't happening. What you describe above is the behavior of a sadistic sociopath, not a Dominant. It is abuse, both physical and mental.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying all situations where someone gets injuries requiring medical attention are "abuse".

If someone goes into a relationship knowing from negotiations that they are dealing with someone who says "I'm a sadist, and I'm going to cause damage to your body. I'm not going to allow you to have a safe word." and the bottom side said "OK" - by pursuing the relationship they've given consent.

If the bottom assumed that the Top was kidding? That would be entirely on the one agreeing to the conditions. It's not abuse, it was negotiated, consented to behaviors.

If on the other hand, the Top said "I'll take care of you. Of course I will respect your safe word!" then the Top is a liar and that behavior is way over the line into abuse.

Once consent is withdrawn, the activity has to stop. That is one of the things that separates the sociopath from the not-sociopath.

I am scared of returning to this type of relationship without knowing what is normal(ish) Dom/Domme behavior.....

So to all Doms and Dommes, how far with you go with your sub?

Normal is a setting on the dishwasher. Never forget that you are dealing with a PERSON, not a "Dominant", and people are people are people.

What YOU need to do is take responsibility for your safety and do some homework on anyone you consider getting in a relationship with. The "Dominant" label doesn't make anyone better (or worse), than any other human being on the planet. They are people. Do your frakking homework. It's called "due dilligence." Do they belong to groups in their area? Ask around about them. Do they claim they were mentored by someone? Ask the mentor. Do they behave in vanilla situations in a manner *appropriate* to the occasion? Or do they fly off the handle in road rage, yell at waitstaff, fuss at grocery clerks?

In other words: Is the Dominant a decent human being or an asshole? Are they consistent in word and deed? Until you know someone well enough to judge that, you have no business submitting to their authority.

You picked the wrong person for you. WAY wrong. Learn the lesson, figure out why.

Safe journeys,
- Geoff

 

[JustADom]

Yeah... that doesn't sound normal at all... in fact depending on the laws of your country he could even be criminally charged...

As a dom, I would stop when:

1) There is serious physical injury that may require medical attention.

2) The sub is experiencing serious pain or discomfort that could indicate that something is seriously wrong.

3) The sub wants to stop in all her finality (safe word), or wishes to break off the relationship.

 

[Blase]

I was in a D/s relationship and he would, control what I wore, when I went places, my make-up, and everything about my daily life, but he also cut huge gashes in to my stomach and leg, he would ignore my safe word. I was in the hospital more than 3 times a week. We split up when he wouldn't let me go to the hospital when I was bleeding severely.

I was always worried this was normal for a Dom, to love to hurt you to such extremes. To laugh at you when your in true honest pain, to make you bleed and laugh.....

I am scared of returning to this type of relationship without knowing what is normal(ish) Dom/Domme behavior.....

I have to agree with everyone who has spoken up to say that this was definitely outside the boundaries of D/s, especially because it was non-consensual.

Just to be clear on the terminology, we would not say that this was a Dominant who was practicing D/s with you as his submissive, we would say that this was a criminal who was committing crimes with you as his victim.

 

[njlauren]

That sounds like an abusive asshole,not a dom. If the relationship had safewords and he refused to obey them, if he hurt you like that, he is an abusive prick. There are people who have a consent to nonconsent relationship, where basically they consent to allow the dom to do anything to them, and while I have reservations about that, in this case it isn't there since you never consented to that kind of thing. Quite frankly he should have been put in Jail IMO, he is no different than an ordinary person who abuses his wife.

There are assholes in anything,but IME fortunately most dominants are sane, rational people, not monsters.

 

[Primalex]

Still waiting for the pictures...

 

[Pachet]

I was in a D/s relationship and he would, control what I wore, when I went places, my make-up, and everything about my daily life, but he also cut huge gashes in to my stomach and leg, he would ignore my safe word. I was in the hospital more than 3 times a week. We split up when he wouldn't let me go to the hospital when I was bleeding severely.

I was always worried this was normal for a Dom, to love to hurt you to such extremes. To laugh at you when your in true honest pain, to make you bleed and laugh.....

I am scared of returning to this type of relationship without knowing what is normal(ish) Dom/Domme behavior.....

So to all Doms and Dommes, how far with you go with your sub?

And to all subs, what is normal for you Dom/Domme?

Thnx
Meow ^_^

Yeah... that's abuse. Plain and simple. I'm glad you got out.

What's "normal" to me? Normal is, no matter how rough we're playing, if I use the safeword or he senses I have a problem, he STOPS. Or slows down. Or we communicate and sort it out. That is a true Dom. What you experienced is not normal S&M, it's abuse. There are plenty of caring Doms out there who will respect your safeword and push your boundries without violating them. I hope you find one

IMHO, the purpose of safewords isn't to let you stop the scene, the purpose is to let you say "no" or "stop" or the host of other words it can be hot to use when you gasp and scream and plead while you're deep into a scene /without ending it/. If you're not using a safeword, no means no and stop means stop, and you can't have quite so much fun. It lets a sub enjoy a more visceral non-consent fantasy, for instance. It lets a Dom enjoy a non-consent fantasy without actually becoming a rapist.

When you think about it, that's kinda awesome for such a simple thing.

^this.

 

[BSSHD]

Ignoring a safe word in general is going too far. Putting you in the hospital three times a week is just insane. I'm surprised that didn't bring up any red flags for the doctors or authorities.

As others have said, be glad you got out, that's not normal at all. But at the same time, don't be afraid to seek out more BDSM experiences because of it, because most doms are not like that at all.

 

[subwannabe]

There are good doms and there are abusers. Sometimes one calls themselves a "dom" when they are really nothing more than an abuser looking for a willing victim.

 

[Stella_Omega]

There are good doms and there are abusers. Sometimes one calls themselves a "dom" when they are really nothing more than an abuser looking for a willing victim.

Yep. Just like someone calling themselves a "Husband" can be nothing more than an abuser. The trick is to not believe them.

 

[Mission_Blue]

Once consent is withdrawn, the activity has to stop.

Normal is a setting on the dishwasher. Never forget that you are dealing with a PERSON, not a "Dominant", and people are people are people.

Is the Dominant a decent human being or an asshole? Are they consistent in word and deed? Until you know someone well enough to judge that, you have no business submitting to their authority.

This. Especially the dishwasher bit! Although I don't think there's any need to chastise the OP for her misjudge of character and rather green notion of a healthy D/s relationship. Obviously the experience waved a red flag (albeit, a very late one) enough to come here seeking advice. Hopefully this was a life lesson learned and one that won't ever be repeated. Dominant does not mean a disregard to someone's wishes and well-being.

I personally don't use safewords. Everyone is different. My SO and I are capable of playing out my non-consent fantasies safely because we communicate freely and effectively and have done so for years. I learned my lesson the hard way; in my early 20's, had my jaw knocked out of place by a ballgag and my rotator cuff torn because I drank too much before being tied up. Know who you're playing with, discuss your limits extensively and then have fun!