How have you changed?

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[seela]

I am a third who struggles with the encapsulation of a whole within a meme or such....( but then, I also dislike words in interior decoration....I don't need Hollywood lights to tell me to 'EAT' in a kitchen/ dining room for example, or 'LOvE' in a bedroom.....I'll love wherever I dame well please.. Or 'we live here' type signs...you know, in case people forget? and I have complicated issues with storage jars that have words for their contents on them)

I'm like that too. I especially hate it when people here have the texts written in English. I mean... Why? I got a jar for garlic from my mom and it has the word garlic on it, in Finnish though, and I really have issues with it. It's practical so I use it, but I tend to keep it so that the text faces the wall.

The word "home" is especially silly here, yet you see it in many homes, often made of separate, large block letters sitting on a shelf somewhere. Home = mold.

 

[KaseE]

How has your idea of bdsm changed over time?

Whether you're still pretty new or have been at it for a while, what lessons have you learned?

What have you learned about yourself?

Each time I think I've gone as extreme as I think I can ever go, my Master comes up with something new, even more intense, that I find I can't resist.

I think I may ultimately be insatiable in sexual curiosity.

 

[Etoile]

You know, after doing this nearly half my life, I don't even remember.

But I've been on Lit for 16 years, so I imagine there's a good catalog there of what I've gotten up to and what I've believed.

 

[cookiecat]

Each time I think I've gone as extreme as I think I can ever go, my Master comes up with something new, even more intense, that I find I can't resist.

I think I may ultimately be insatiable in sexual curiosity.

Wow! That's great! It sounds like you and your Master are an excellent match.

 

[cookiecat]

I'm like that too. I especially hate it when people here have the texts written in English. I mean... Why? I got a jar for garlic from my mom and it has the word garlic on it, in Finnish though, and I really have issues with it. It's practical so I use it, but I tend to keep it so that the text faces the wall.

The word "home" is especially silly here, yet you see it in many homes, often made of separate, large block letters sitting on a shelf somewhere. Home = mold.

haha! Too true. Although...................... the one thing I admit to buying like that are journals. I must have 3 or 4 notebooks/journals lying around that have something one the cover like "gratitude" or "live your best day."

As if having the journal will force me to write something down, which will then allow me to live my best day. :eyeroll:

Why not just go live my best day? Or even an adequate day with pretty good moments?!

 

[cookiecat]

You know, after doing this nearly half my life, I don't even remember.

But I've been on Lit for 16 years, so I imagine there's a good catalog there of what I've gotten up to and what I've believed.

You is who you is

#litstalk

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[Endless_Night]

Interesting questions.

How has your idea of bdsm changed over time?

Well, I’m still quite the noob. At this stage my ideas are in a state of evolution.

Whether you're still pretty new or have been at it for a while, what lessons have you learned?

Everyone has an opinion. Some of those opinions contribute to your experience, others do not. It can take some time to tease out the difference between the two.

What have you learned about yourself?

Lit has been an eye opening experience. Pre-board, I thought my desires were a sign of a damaged psyche. I certainly had no idea I might be submissive. It was something of a shock to realized that not only was I okay on an emotional level, but that my kinks were actually rather lightweight as these things go. ALL that angsting for nothing.

I’ve learned that my submission doesn’t have to fit into any particular niche. Not all my quirks are mainstream, but that’s okay. It’s my submission and I’ll do it how I want, whether other people find it acceptable or not.

Submission is a struggle. CutieMouse's mention of it as a way to avoid "adulting" struck a cord, though from a completely different angle. I am an avid adulter. I adult up. I adult down. I adult anywhere, everywhere and all around. (This is also know as full-on control freakery in case that wasn't apparent. ) So while I crave not being in control, I fear it as well. Intensely. it creates something of a conundrum. I doubt I’ll ever find submitting an easy proposition, but that’s okay. Presumably there are one or two are dominant types out there that don’t mind dealing with a difficult, reluctant submissive.

I don't know that I've reached the point where I put myself first, but I no longer feel guilty or ashamed about getting my kink needs met.

I guess you could say that what I’ve learned is that my sexual proclivities are, wait for it....okay.

That may sound trivial, but I think it’s pretty epic.

 

[cookiecat]

Interesting questions.

How has your idea of bdsm changed over time?

Well, I’m still quite the noob. At this stage my ideas are in a state of evolution.

Whether you're still pretty new or have been at it for a while, what lessons have you learned?

Everyone has an opinion. Some of those opinions contribute to your experience, others do not. It can take some time to tease out the difference between the two.

What have you learned about yourself?

Lit has been an eye opening experience. Pre-board, I thought my desires were a sign of a damaged psyche. I certainly had no idea I might be submissive. It was something of a shock to realized that not only was I okay on an emotional level, but that my kinks were actually rather lightweight as these things go. ALL that angsting for nothing.

I’ve learned that my submission doesn’t have to fit into any particular niche. Not all my quirks are mainstream, but that’s okay. It’s my submission and I’ll do it how I want, whether other people find it acceptable or not.

Submission is a struggle. CutieMouse's mention of it as a way to avoid "adulting" struck a cord, though from a completely different angle. I am an avid adulter. I adult up. I adult down. I adult anywhere, everywhere and all around. (This is also know as full-on control freakery in case that wasn't apparent. ) So while I crave not being in control, I fear it as well. Intensely. it creates something of a conundrum. I doubt I’ll ever find submitting an easy proposition, but that’s okay. Presumably there are one or two are dominant types out there that don’t mind dealing with a difficult, reluctant submissive.

I don't know that I've reached the point where I put myself first, but I no longer feel guilty or ashamed about getting my kink needs met.

I guess you could say that what I’ve learned is that my sexual proclivities are, wait for it....okay.

That may sound trivial, but I think it’s pretty epic.

It is epic! It sounds like you're on a good path. Service and submission aren't always easy. I'm imagining as you continue finding out about yourself, you won't be as reluctant. Especially if you find the right Dominant.

I posted earlier that someone in my life told me my angst was unbecoming and I should just get out and DO. Stop the worrying. Enjoy the process, even if it's difficult.

Thanks for the post.

 

[Endless_Night]

It is epic! It sounds like you're on a good path. Service and submission aren't always easy. I'm imagining as you continue finding out about yourself, you won't be as reluctant. Especially if you find the right Dominant.

I posted earlier that someone in my life told me my angst was unbecoming and I should just get out and DO. Stop the worrying. Enjoy the process, even if it's difficult.

Thanks for the post.

Oops! I seem to have expressed myself poorly. My angst is in the past, not a current event. The reluctance is not a problem, rather a component to my particular kink. And as far as finding the right Dominant, perhaps I already have.

Nice of you to offer encouragement, though.

 

[cookiecat]

Oops! I seem to have expressed myself poorly. My angst is in the past, not a current event. The reluctance is not a problem, rather a component to my particular kink. And as far as finding the right Dominant, perhaps I already have.

Nice of you to offer encouragement, though.

Assumptions on my part. Sorry about that.

 

[MastersDelight]

I've learned...

How has your idea of bdsm changed over time?

Whether you're still pretty new or have been at it for a while, what lessons have you learned?

What have you learned about yourself?

I thought it was all really outrageous German dungeon porn where pyl bleed, cry, and are abused while indifferent leather clad PYL deliver punishment for some unseen wrong without deriving any real sexual pleasure themselves.

I read 50 shades like every other desperate housewife. (I KNOW IT'S TERRIBLE DON'T MAKE FUN OF ME. I'm aware that it's a poor representation of BDSM, I'm aware that the depicted relationship was incredibly irresponsible and unhealthy. The SEX however was... Interesting.) I was intrigued and off to the interwebs I went.

I'm much more open now, than I used to be. There were taboo ideas I had that aren't that taboo to me now. I had a lot of "no" at first, most of those are "yes please Master" now. I realized somewhere long the way that I can't say I don't like something if I haven't tried it. I learned pain is pleasure, and that for others pain might just be pain.

I learned that a collar doesn't lock me up but sets me free. I learned trust and communication are the cornerstones to safe play.

I've learned that I'm beautiful, sexy, attractive, desirable, treasured and valuable. And so is everyone else. I've learned there is no such thing as a BDSM cookie cutter relationship. No one fits inside a pretty little box covered in labels. There's no one right way to love, but there's a lot of wrong ways. Everyone's definitions are fluid and different, and that's okay.

And I've learned that my sexual explorations, desires, fantasies, needs, don't need to be explained or apologized for.

 

[Endless_Night]

Assumptions on my part. Sorry about that.

No worries. I'm enjoying the thread.

< I read 50 shades like every other desperate housewife. (I KNOW IT'S TERRIBLE DON'T MAKE FUN OF ME. I'm aware that it's a poor representation of BDSM, I'm aware that the depicted relationship was incredibly irresponsible and unhealthy. The SEX however was... Interesting.) I was intrigued and off to the interwebs I went. >

I actually love it that you managed to find something worthwhile in 50 Shades.

 

[LucyBee01]

Love this thread.

How has your idea of bdsm changed over time?

The further along my journey I go, the bigger the kinky world seems to grow. I thought I was stepping into an exciting lake when in fact it was the beginning of the oceans. So much variety in bdsm and between every D/s relationship.

Whether you're still pretty new or have been at it for a while, what lessons have you learned?

I am still new to this and I have learnt that those into bdsm are just like other communities- you get your lovely people, posers and dick heads just like you do anywhere else.

Oh and that there are lots of different kinds of female orgasms and that at least for some people it is possible to experience new kinds given patience, trust and practice.

What have you learned about yourself?

That I have a voracious sex drive, that I enjoy moderate pain, that I have a little side that likes to play. That I am polyamorous and my sexual orientation has become much more fluid.

Like MastersDelight I have learnt that I am sexy and beautiful and that anyone can be.

That I am damn resilient. That I am capable of changing. That it is ok to have feelings, my feelings.

 

[MaryanneB]

I didn't buy it, and I'm glad I didn't because I managed to see the movie free when it came out and was thoroughly disappointed.

I'm with you but the gaggle of frumps to my right in the theater sounded as if they were humping their popcorn.....

 

[cookiecat]

I thought it was all really outrageous German dungeon porn where pyl bleed, cry, and are abused while indifferent leather clad PYL deliver punishment for some unseen wrong without deriving any real sexual pleasure themselves.

This cracks me up because I remember early on stumbling upon sites like Insex and Torture Gallery (now exctinct, I believe) and thinking this isn't quite what I had in mind.

I read 50 shades like every other desperate housewife. (I KNOW IT'S TERRIBLE DON'T MAKE FUN OF ME. I'm aware that it's a poor representation of BDSM, I'm aware that the depicted relationship was incredibly irresponsible and unhealthy. The SEX however was... Interesting.) I was intrigued and off to the interwebs I went.

My book was Story of O. I read this forever until I discovered the internet!

I'm much more open now, than I used to be. There were taboo ideas I had that aren't that taboo to me now. I had a lot of "no" at first, most of those are "yes please Master" now. I realized somewhere long the way that I can't say I don't like something if I haven't tried it. I learned pain is pleasure, and that for others pain might just be pain.

I learned that a collar doesn't lock me up but sets me free. I learned trust and communication are the cornerstones to safe play.

I've learned that I'm beautiful, sexy, attractive, desirable, treasured and valuable. And so is everyone else. I've learned there is no such thing as a BDSM cookie cutter relationship. No one fits inside a pretty little box covered in labels. There's no one right way to love, but there's a lot of wrong ways. Everyone's definitions are fluid and different, and that's okay.

And I've learned that my sexual explorations, desires, fantasies, needs, don't need to be explained or apologized for.

All of this is just perfect.

 

[cookiecat]

<Like MastersDelight I have learnt that I am sexy and beautiful and that anyone can be.

That I am damn resilient. That I am capable of changing. That it is ok to have feelings, my feelings.>

I snipped a lot - you said a lot of good stuff!

But this last statement struck me as really important. There's a thread about feminism and submission and it took me a couple paragraphs to say what you said in a couple sentences.

 

[MastersDelight]

All of this is just perfect.

thank you.

My new discovery and understanding of my self worth has probably been the longest and hardest part of all of this. I harbor a lot of negativity towards my body, and feel a lot of helplessness in changing how I look because of how extreme my changes would be (if I had a magic wand). It seems silly to say I've learned how sexy and attractive I am by getting on my knees and saying "yes Master", but I have. Posting pictures here and on fetlife have gone a long way to proving to myself that there are those who are attracted to my body type.

When we're playing and I'm being pushed and I think my limit is near and we build and build and build, but at the end I never asked him to stop. I never NEEDED him to stop. And I feel so much stronger and so much more powerful, that I can come through something and be fine. I can endure. I will always endure, and I'll be stronger for it. My body will heal, the marks will fade, and I will continue on.

 

[desertslave]

How has your idea of bdsm changed over time?

My overall concept of BDSM has stayed the same, but there are many more details to enrich and enliven it. Plus the concept that "BDSM" is a very large blanket for many, many concepts, all of which I'm not necessarily required to embrace or enjoy.

Whether you're still pretty new or have been at it for a while, what lessons have you learned?

I was physically introduced to BDSM at 18. Site rules don't allow me to discuss what I'd read when I was younger. Over these almost-40 years I have learned that mutual respect is essential, though it might not look the same from both sides. I have learned that pain is an excellent channel to get myself settled and focused. I have learned that said pain and affection can present themselves within the same person. I have learned that even when trust has been broken, it can be repaired. Many things that I used to take as absolutes are much more flexible.

What have you learned about yourself?

I have learned that, while random hooking up for play can be fun, it leaves me empty inside. I need an actual relationship from which to build. I have learned that submission has made me stronger and more confident, but that it can also be quite fragile and needs to be nurtured. I have learned that the essential connection between Master and slave can survive even without much physical BDSM. And I have learned that sometimes submitting really means "sit there and chill out" instead of actively serving, but that it's damned frustrating.

 

[HubbyApproves]

Interesting questions.


Submission is a struggle. CutieMouse's mention of it as a way to avoid "adulting" struck a cord, though from a completely different angle. I am an avid adulter. I adult up. I adult down. I adult anywhere, everywhere and all around. (This is also know as full-on control freakery in case that wasn't apparent. ) So while I crave not being in control, I fear it as well. Intensely. it creates something of a conundrum. I doubt I’ll ever find submitting an easy proposition, but that’s okay. Presumably there are one or two are dominant types out there that don’t mind dealing with a difficult, reluctant submissive.


This is so very alike my situation. Being so in control at work, home, *life...the simultaneous desire and reluctance to submit in the bedroom is confusing and thrilling and terrifying.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[cascadiabound]

How has your idea of bdsm changed over time?

Whether you're still pretty new or have been at it for a while, what lessons have you learned?

What have you learned about yourself?

Pre 2013
I never read 50 shades, but the various media portrayals of control and dungeons and controlled women usually in procedural dramas usually left me feeling a bit uncomfortable. Like, why would a woman allow a man to do that to her? What is wrong with her self respect? I think especially since those portrayals were always extra twisted with some element of criminality and actual non-consent and "tsk tsk" disapproval by the leading actors these things seemed a bit dark and wrong-ish to me.

I would have contact with patients with various marks of D/s - collars, tattoos, or other indications of sexual kink - as long as I felt confident that all was consensual, I was never bothered or judgmental about these marks, piercings, etc. My starting point re sexuality is that it is complex and nuanced and people are generally kinkier than you would suspect.

2014
various things came to a head in my relationship that made me realize that I was dissatisfied with the status quo. I started to figure out how to fix that. In conversation with others I recall someone saying to me that they were NOT AT ALL interested in BDSM. And I thought, huh... I wonder what all he means by that? I was doing some erotic writing at the time. And while I did not know to call it BDSM, I was exploring themes of control and consent, submission and dominance, pain and rules. As I asked my friend to read my new writings that explored these themes I got lower and lower marks from him. He hated it. And it felt like a slap in the face as I was finding these ideas... interesting.... arousing.

and then I found Lit
I started reading the stories. It took me awhile before I read the BDSM category as it did not really occur to me that any of that would be what I would be interested in. Color me sheltered.
But as I dipped into the BDSM stories it was as if a light went on. I could not believe how much the ideas and themes effected me. Aroused me. Things I had never thought about or heard of. I was voracious in my reading and my *research* - as Consilience says. And it became clear to me that I am submissive - and really this is who I have been forever. But I had not allowed myself to know it, explore it, or figure it out due to all kinds of things that I am not inclined to explain here.

Now
I am a smart, feminist, articulate submissive. I am not a brat. I like and need rules. I like and need pain mixed with pleasure. I am kinkier than I knew ~ and I was always pretty damn kinky - even when I was relatively "vanilla"
I am interested in DD/lg stuff, but this is a modality that is uncomfortable for my partner. I need to work on some of my stuff in this modality still. I prefer to be obedient to bratty. Earn my punishment from being good rather than from being "bad". I am very much a pleaser. But somehow we do not yet have the balance of everything worked out. A work in progress. But this is just life. And as CutieMouse says - I think I have known for a very long time relationships are relationships are relationships. Kink is just one little part of everything else.

 

[_Necrosomantic_]

How has your idea of bdsm changed over time?

Whether you're still pretty new or have been at it for a while, what lessons have you learned?

What have you learned about yourself?

I can't recall when I first heard/read about BDSM, but it's something I was vaguely aware of for a long time before actually getting involved in any way. My original thoughts on it were most commonly what I hear people that refuse to even entertain the idea of something like it being an expression of love and devotion say. " People that do that are fucked up ", " I would NEVER hurt someone I love ", " Why would someone think that feels good ", and the always classic " I just don't understand ". That's right, they don't, they don't know shit because they can't be arsed to step outside themselves and consider something honestly before condemning it, and neither did I.

Somewhere around 200...4? I'm not going to lie, between not sleeping and destroying brain cells on whatever flavor of the month I had, it all seems like Fear and Loathing on fast forward. But somewhere around that time I met an older woman that had quite the sadistic streak, and she showed me all kinds of things. She mistook my cooperation for submissiveness, and I went along with it because I liked her a lot. Once she realized her mistake, we actually became closer because we were similar, unfortunately, that also meant we couldn't give each other what we needed... Then I went to work at a bar in city that catered to the industrial crowd, who also happened to be rather enthusiastic about BDSM at the time. Since nobody asked for my memoirs, I'll stop there, and finish by saying that I didn't end up or remain in any of those places by coincidence. I was drawn to, infatuated with, and became a part of something that I had always been looking for.

As for learning about myself, I have yet to plateau in terms of growing and evolving, but I figured out the who/what/why of it long ago. My ideals and thought processes haven't deviated much from what they were, instead of becoming more jaded, I've become more honest and willing to be vocal about what I want/need. I know my limits, what I need, what I can give, and how to make you scream and wouldn't trade it for anything in the world... Except perhaps a time machine to go back and do something about Hitler... and parachute pants.

 

[slutindianwife]

Am now a bit interested