How serious is collaring?

[graceanne]

Oh I also wantewd to say welcome and Lit really is casual enough that you don't need to worry about Gorean rules of deportment (the W/we thing)... I can't imagine any of the Tops/Doms/Dommes/Masters here jumping down someone's throat for speaking up gracefully even if the "correct" capitalization were ignored.

That's so much nicer than the way I said it. I didn't know that the whole W/we thing was gorean - I just know that it makes my head hurt to try and read around all that.

 

[kara_CM]

Your thread has me curious... what does the collar mean to *you*? What does it mean to him that he gave it to you? Do you feel more connected when you put the collar on and does it symbolicly and ritualisticly signify the bond you share, thus bringing y'all comfort and connectivity?

I doubt I'll ever be collared.; not my style (although once upon a time I thought it might be). However there are little things in our daily lives (being a gazillion miles apart) that connect us. "The Community" might raise an eyebrow and not understand, but *we* understand and that is all that matters.

What does it mean to me? Well, to me it means ownership, he owns me. i am his to take care of, protect, guide. i am his and only his, no one else's. To me, we stick it out through the good and the bad and boy have we had our share. We've both lost our father's in these last months, he's been through 2 or 3 hurricanes, i have lost count. *sigh* It's been a tough few months but we both have stuck it out and our love has stayed strong.

As to the reason i got into being collared so fast is because i knew i loved him from the first moment we chatted for the first time. i chased that man, i knew he was what i wanted and boy did he NOT want me. He avoided getting involved with me like the plague and treated me like crap sometimes but i never gave up. i finally won him over. When he started hinting at his lifestyle choice early on (before we were even a couple) it didn't phase me a bit. i knew i had a submissive personality, i just had never heard that term before. Despite my tenacity in persuing him, he was always in charge of what happened between us. When he asked me to be a couple with him, i said yes. When he asked me to be his slave and wear his collar i said yes, it seemed the most natural thing to say yes to this man. So here i am a few months later, i am still learning. i'm even reading the Gor books.

Thanks for reading my post.

 

[CutieMouse]

That's so much nicer than the way I said it. I didn't know that the whole W/we thing was gorean - I just know that it makes my head hurt to try and read around all that.

Actually I'm not 100% sure it is, either... but when I think Gorean BDSM (from what little I know of it) I think in terms of W/we speak and the intricate little rules that create a heirchey of some sort that I don't have time, patience, or inclination to worry about [for myself].

I do believe it works for those who desire that degree of ritualistic intimacy; I'll continue to be as polite as possible in all my dealings and hope it suffices.

 

[h_i_s]

That's so much nicer than the way I said it. I didn't know that the whole W/we thing was gorean - I just know that it makes my head hurt to try and read around all that.

i don't know that i'd say it IS Gorean these days. You could ask many who are using the We/we way of typing online, "So you are into the Gorean thing, huh?". Most will answer back with, "Gore who? i didn't vote for him .. i don't think.".

So many type that way ... not just those into Gor.

 

[CutieMouse]

Thank you, Sinn. I think we should all just agree I was pulling a term out of my ass for ease of explination then.

 

[graceanne]

Thank you, Sinn. I think we should all just agree I was pulling a term out of my ass for ease of explination then.

Wow. Is that what smells?

 

[serijules]

That's so much nicer than the way I said it. I didn't know that the whole W/we thing was gorean - I just know that it makes my head hurt to try and read around all that.

I feel the same about the PYL thing. *sigh*

 

[serijules]

Collaring is very serious to me, although at one time I didn't feel the way I do now, and thought of it as more like a brand name epidemic....everyone else had one so I wanted one too. I accepted one very lightly, and to this day I'm still ashamed of that, even though it didn't last long at all. From the moment he put the collar on me, I felt disgusted with myself. That isn't how a collar should make you feel.

However, I have never beleived that collars should be instant. If someone tried to collar me fairly soon after meeting me, I would tell them to take a hike. I just take it more seriously than that. I'm not a fly by the seat of my pants, do things on a whim person...even if things feel "right". If it's really that "right", it will still be there in a few months time. I think it shows a greater respect for each other and for the relationship in general, and shows that you have a lot of faith in the other person and in the status of the relationship.

To me, giving or accepting a collar when you barely know someone is akin to meeting someone at a bar in vegas and getting married in an Elvis chapel. For some, that works, but most of the time it seems to doom the relationship long before it even really has a chance to start. Dawnie and I were together for quite some time before we were even together "officially", and the collar didn't come for months after that even. So it was years in the making, and our relationship is very strong. I attribute much of that strength to the process of the collaring...slow, getting to know each other, taking it seriously, not rushing into anything, etc. That's the formula for a good, solid relationship for ME. It does differ for everyone, thankfully.

Dawnie's collar means many things to me, but it all comes down to simply being owned.

 

[Rrrosyn]

I've considred collaring to be along the lines of a wedding ring. j's "collar" was a penis piercing (Reverse Prince Albert). It had to be removed because it was migrating. We haven't replaced it with anything yet. Nothing has "called" to us as having the same meaning and men can't just wear any delicate jewelry. j comments that he feels naked and some days wears a rather uncomfortable leather wrist band that we tried to use as a replacement. It lacks the same meaning and he cannot wear it all the time. Some days he is just needy enough to try to tolerate it for a few hours.

On the otherhand... maybe I am the one "collared" I do wear my engagement ring all the time.

 

[Netzach]

To me it means that my husband has some collars and sports them proudly when we go out into pervert land, as does my slave.

I find a collar a particularly handy attachment point for a leash. Personally it doesn't mean as much to me as either of them saying they're mine or attached to me or affiliated with me in some way.

 

[david_42]

I would rank collaring above a wedding ring, because it is a contract between two people without any social enforcement.

 

[marieR19]

I would rank collaring above a wedding ring, because it is a contract between two people without any social enforcement.

That's pretty much how me and my gf feel too. We have talked about it a lot, and we both agree that when she collars me it will be pretty much like a wedding ring, except even more significant because it's such a serious, special bond. And besides, we've both seen our parent's marriages fall to shit, so wedding rings don't mean as much in my mind. We have looked at collars together but have not found the "right one" yet, and I think we are going to hold off on it until we are actually living together... kind of taking both big steps at once. Unfortunately, that won't be able to happen for awhile.

Heather

 

[foxinsox]

In my opinion, what's most important is that both Dom and sub attach the same levels of meaning and significance to the collar. It doesn't particularly matter what other people think, but if the perceptions of the Dom and sub concerned vary markedly, that's when the most damage is done.

Once a collar is involved, release is generally an absolutely gut-wrenching and heart-breaking business -- so make sure the channels of communication are open to start with.

Good luck with your journey

 

[Joe Schmoe]

I do not need a collar to tie a girl to me, I do not need it to verify my ownership of her. I do not see it as anything close to a wedding ring. I see it as a tool much like a set of cuffs.

Romantic isn't it?

 

[Daddies Kitten]

collaring

To me collaring is something which makes me feel secure. It hasn't happened yet but when i meet the right Master, i need the security of collaring among other things. i want to feel like His property, and i know that if He is a true Dom He will care about me and protect me. i know He'd respect my limits and i need the security and guidance that a good Dominant /Master can give me

 

[His_pita]

We take collaring very serious and see it much like a wedding if not more so. We will have had 10 months of online when we get together. If our meeting goes as well as we think it will, I will get a collar to wear for the first year. Sort of like an engagement ring. At the end of the year if we have decided we are right for each other we will have a collaring ceremony, design my collar and a ring for him and be bonded together forever.

Since I am coming to D/s after being vanilla for my whole life I was hung up on wanting a real wedding. But, I have come to know that isn't important to me as it once was. Being with my Joe and being loved and owned by him is all that matters to me.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Wow. Is that what smells?

Worse yet, what else does she have stuffed up in there.

 

[chris9]

To me collaring is something which makes me feel secure. It hasn't happened yet but when i meet the right Master, i need the security of collaring among other things. i want to feel like His property, and i know that if He is a true Dom He will care about me and protect me. i know He'd respect my limits and i need the security and guidance that a good Dominant /Master can give me

Welcome to Lit!
And just a small hint: Try not to talk of a 'true Dom' or you set yourself up for some lecture on 'true' this, 'true' that.

Though maybe Sir Quam catches it and comes forward again to prove that everything's well with Marquis...

Sorry, Kitten, that last bit is probably completely ununderstandable (is that a word?) for you...

 

[mitchell67]

re: gifts

I had known a sub online for several months and we were discussing our first meeting and speculating about moving closer together. I had made her a few things before making and sending her the collar and matching set of cuffs. She's a costumer and I expected that she'd enjoy the craftmanship as well as the sentiment. She happily wore the cuffs and yet felt that I should put the collar on in person while keeping it on her mantel as a reminder until then. The results were better than I had expected.
Then another sub, maybe she was a 'true' sub, whom she had met at a munch, insisted that a collar is the equivalent of a marriage a proposal. Then my sub started freaking out, claiming that I was moving too fast and had tricked her.
She broke off our future meeting and then just became doubtful of any of my motives towards her.
The question I have now is: if she thought the collar was the equivalent of an engagement ring and then she broke off the 'engagement' shouldn't she have returned the ring?

 

[Bandit58]

I have a play collar but my "collar" and commitment to Master is my engagement ring. The wedding had to be put on hold because of health and money issues but we're hoping to have it sometime next year.

 

[DVS]

I could take it or leave it, actually. I'm not married, either. I guess I could take that or leave it, too?

All I want is a woman I can tie up and have my way with. The only collar I might need for that has a leash attached to it.

 

[Etoile]

Re: capitalization
I'm pretty sure it's not originally Gorean, although they may use it too; I'm not sure where it evolved from. I am fine with people using that kind of capitalization for themselves and their partners. If you want to say "i like it when He does this" that's fine. I have grown to even put up with "W/we went to O/our favorite restaurant" although I think it looks downright silly. What I object to most is having that stuff forced upon me and/or my relationship with my dominant. That's why I strongly dislike the use of "a question for Y/you A/all" and so forth. I am a slave, and I do not use lowercase for myself. I say "Daddy" because that's a title, but I don't use capital pronouns. I really cannot stand having someone assign their own worldview onto me when it differs so strongly from my own. I don't look down on a person for doing it - very often it's just what they've been instructed is appropriate, even though the person giving that instruction was in the minority who prefers it. But damn, it sure does make me twitch every time I see it.

Re: collaring
I have been thinking about collaring a lot lately. Three of my friends have recently been "collared." One has been in the relationship for a few weeks, one for a few months, none very long. It just boggles my mind that these people consider themselves collared, so I guess you could say that I take collaring somewhat seriously - at least more seriously than they do! It frustrates me to see it, because it feels like they're cheapening what collaring "ought to be" (whatever that is). I do not consider myself collared, because I have not had any formal contract or ceremony to mark this. I have a collar, and I am sometimes allowed to wear it in public (it's an extremely big posture collar), but I am not "collared" as such. I am owned, but I don't have a collar as a symbol of that. What I have to remind me of my Daddy at all times is diamond earrings that were a gift from em. (Which is why I wanted to die when I lost one down the drain, even though e said not to worry about it and we'd get a new one!) They are not like the wedding rings my wife and I wear...I wonder what there is about a circular thing that makes it more important than other gifts and marks? Anyway, I do take collaring fairly seriously. I don't really have much of an opinion on "collars of consideration" - I guess I see collaring as a definitive event signifying something long-term rather than a casual thing that might be temporary.

Whew, that was long-winded of me!

 

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

I like my collar. It's beautiful, it is a constant reminder of him, and that something special we share that is beyond the bounds of a traditional relationship. My collar is a screw down, so it stays on, 24/7, 365.

I, or should I say we, have never embued it with a bunch of magical powers. What means the most to us is our marriage, and the symbol of that, i.e. my wedding band. To JM, and myself, signing on the dotted line means you're willing to put your money where your mouth is. I always crack up when I read "oh, my collar means sooooo much more than a wedding band". Yeah, ok right. He's willing to put that collar around your neck, but he's not interested in marrying you. Gets me everytime.

But then again, we're talking online collars here anyway, right?

 

[Etoile]

I, or should I say we, have never embued it with a bunch of magical powers. What means the most to us is our marriage, and the symbol of that, i.e. my wedding band. To JM, and myself, signing on the dotted line means you're willing to put your money where your mouth is. I always crack up when I read "oh, my collar means sooooo much more than a wedding band". Yeah, ok right. He's willing to put that collar around your neck, but he's not interested in marrying you. Gets me everytime.

How wonderful to hear from you! I hope you are doing well.

Your post got me wondering - what are your thoughts on gay marriage? What about civil unions? What do you think about same-sex couples getting rings? My partner and I - I often call her my wife - have "wedding" bands, and I feel that they have equal meaning to yours and JM's, even though we can't sign a piece of paper as you did.

 

[marieR19]

Beautiful rings Etoile! I am very happy for you. I really hope someday I can have that with someone.

Heather