How to Choose the Right Master

[princesssuzanne]

Some more advice: Once or twice, I made the mistake on Lit of thinking that because I had started a thread, I somehow could dictate the terms. That can work in a lighthearted way ("What cereal is the most erotic? Warning: Oatmeal, grits and gruel are not cereals for the purposes of this thread!") but with matters of real substance, it rarely does, and is really contrary to the spirit of the site.

Thank you I will keep this in mind the next time I start a thread.

 

[NomadLady]

Hmmmmm...... it is much better to watch others make fools of themselves instead darlin. So just keep right on posting.

The only fool here is the one refusing/refuting advice.

ps....you can find her in your mirror.

 

[princesssuzanne]

What advice do you have to offer me nomadlady concerning how to decipher between a master with good qualities and one with bad qualities?

 

[Stella_Omega]

you've named yourself well, Princess.

 

[NomadLady]

What advice do you have to offer me nomadlady concerning how to decipher between a master with good qualities and one with bad qualities?

FIRST...the other advice here has been GREAT but you need to know what YOU want in a master/dom.

Basically speaking:
Bad qualities for a dom are similar to any man in general: unhealthy possessiveness, bad temper, jealousy, lack of respect for women, alcoholics, drug addicts, bi-polar and any other mental disorders, bad relationship histories, etc.

Conversely, good qualities are similar, loving, respectful, caring, kind to family, friends, good social skills, etc...

One good piece of advice I listened to early on that has served me well....watch how any man treats "service oriented" people like hostesses, waiters, waitresses....not to mention how he treats his family and friends. Actions always speak louder than words. One other tidbit was never stay with a master/dom that tries to alienate you from family and friends...that is a HUGE RED FLAG.

 

[princesssuzanne]

Thank you that has been very helpful. If I would have found this site a few years ago, it would have saved from some risky situations.

To everyone that has posted on this thread, I meant no disrespect to any of you. I willingly accept any and all advice that you have offer. I am rather inexperienced in BD and need to gain learning. I know that I do not know everything there is to know about this but I am open and willingly to learn.

I live in an area that is in the bible belt so this type of lifestyle is underground. The nearest places that I could go to that have it out in the open are over an hour away. Lets just say its not plausible being a poor college student to just jump in the car and head off to these cities to indulge in the lifestyle.

So thank you everyone for your advice.

 

[YourCaptor]

You hang out for a while. Online is bad, you can’t read people online, and writing involves a lot of editing. Online is like cutting out 80% of the information you need in order to decide if they are good or bad for you.

 

[CutieMouse]

I live in an area that is in the bible belt so this type of lifestyle is underground. The nearest places that I could go to that have it out in the open are over an hour away. Lets just say its not plausible being a poor college student to just jump in the car and head off to these cities to indulge in the lifestyle.

So thank you everyone for your advice.

You aren't the only Texan on the board, dear.

A quickie Google search ["texas bdsm munch"] led to BDSM organizations/munches* in Dallas, Austin, Houston, the Rio Grande Valley, San Antonio, Beaumont and Waco.

FetLife.com has a Texas Group; given the size of the state, I'm sure there are probably other groups for most towns/metroplex areas.

* A "munch" is a social get together of link minded people - usually at a local restaurant - to sit around and discuss kink/BDSM in a non-threatening, no pressure environment. Most munches meet once a month.

 

[princesssuzanne]

Thank you CutieMouse. I will look into it. I live in a church run town and its very sad. Even the gay clubs end up closing down because no one can ever find them and all of the sex stores are just outside of city limits. Not a very friendly different-lifestyle town. Rather repressed.

 

[ninser]

Hello. I am female sub and seem to be having issues finding a master. Any advice for how to see what is a good Master and what is a bad Master?

The issues I am having is that it always seem that a person is pretending and just wish to use a sub as a cheap thrill. They also want an instant trust from the sub and want to see them naked completely immediately. Or you have the ones that manage to keep up the charade long enough to have the sub invested and then flip and become a sadist who enjoys inflecting pain on the sub with knowledge that it is something the sub is not willing to do by any means. These are just a few issues.
Hope this clears up any questions.

I think it is very very very hard to find a Master.
Everyone says there are so many more guys here than girls but I do think a huge majority of the guys don't know anything about subs or D/s.
I have had all the same rubbish off them, after a few minutes talking seemingly I am not a sub unless I do everything they say without question and of course trust them with photos etc.

I guess my advice is to keep on looking, I think there are some really great guys out there too

 

[catalina_francisco]

but then again it is my thread so I am allowed to like and dislike what I want.

Yes, you are allowed to like and dislike what you want, just as everyone can, but sorry, as it is a public board, once you open a thread you become the OP but not the owner of the thread...that honour belongs to the site who maintain ultimate right over whether it exists or not. By opening a topic you are facilitating discussion but not able to direct and censor it, nor claim ownership of it.

If I make you so angry why bother posting?

You don't actually make me angry....takes a lot to make me angry. What I do feel is sorrow that you do not seem to be open to listening to anyone who does not agree with you or shower you with praise. If you are truly hoping to find a Master and relationship, this might be an area you look at seriously as most worth the title of Master are not going to tolerate these parts of you and may even reject you, which will eventually make your journey much more difficult when it could be fulfilling and even fun. Enjoy your journey and when you ask advice, be prepared to get some you might not have felt was positive but on reflection may help you a lot.


Catalina

 

[princesssuzanne]

Yes, you are allowed to like and dislike what you want, just as everyone can, but sorry, as it is a public board, once you open a thread you become the OP but not the owner of the thread...that honour belongs to the site who maintain ultimate right over whether it exists or not. By opening a topic you are facilitating discussion but not able to direct and censor it, nor claim ownership of it. You don't actually make me angry....takes a lot to make me angry. What I do feel is sorrow that you do not seem to be open to listening to anyone who does not agree with you or shower you with praise. If you are truly hoping to find a Master and relationship, this might be an area you look at seriously as most worth the title of Master are not going to tolerate these parts of you and may even reject you, which will eventually make your journey much more difficult when it could be fulfilling and even fun. Enjoy your journey and when you ask advice, be prepared to get some you might not have felt was positive but on reflection may help you alot.bCatalina

Thank you for the advice as I wrote in a previous post thanking everyone for the advice that they submitted. Do you have anything else you have anything else that you would like to offer?

 

[JMohegan]

I live in an area that is in the bible belt so this type of lifestyle is underground. The nearest places that I could go to that have it out in the open are over an hour away. Lets just say its not plausible being a poor college student to just jump in the car and head off to these cities to indulge in the lifestyle.

I live in a church run town and its very sad. Even the gay clubs end up closing down because no one can ever find them and all of the sex stores are just outside of city limits. Not a very friendly different-lifestyle town. Rather repressed.

There's no town/gown cultural split? Nothing but straight-laced Texas boys at your school?

You seem to be asking how to find a snowman in the midst of a bunch of tumbleweeds. Seems to me that a requisite first step would be: work hard, get your degree, and then move to a place where it snows.

The issues I am having is that it always seem that a person is pretending and just wish to use a sub as a cheap thrill. They also want an instant trust from the sub and want to see them naked completely immediately. Or you have the ones that manage to keep up the charade long enough to have the sub invested and then flip and become a sadist who enjoys inflecting pain on the sub with knowledge that it is something the sub is not willing to do by any means. These are just a few issues.

I take it these folks are online, since you live in Tumbleweed Town.

Ask yourself this question. Why would a competent, engaging, ethical, responsible and generally appealing D-type settle for a virtual relationship?

 

[princesssuzanne]

That's true. I am actually in a real relationship but sadly he is over in Iraq right now. He has never dominated before I am using a virtual master as a learning tool to help us both. Thanks for you advice and trust me I'm working as hard as I can to graduate and leave.

 

[canhore]

That's true. I am actually in a real relationship but sadly he is over in Iraq right now. He has never dominated before I am using a virtual master as a learning tool to help us both. Thanks for you advice and trust me I'm working as hard as I can to graduate and leave.

I'll start off by saying , i'm still new here , and to the kink lifestyle , I'm still learning .
I try and read as much as I can , in which I have learned a few things .

First off you have now entered in to a poly relationship , this is twice as hard to do then a normal vanilla or BDSM one.
you have to be honest with your self as well as your partner and dom .
don't matter if it's online role play or in RL , the same still applies .
I would say head over to fetlife and have a look around , there are many groups there , for people starting out , I would have said learning , but a sub or dom never stops learning , and a dom or master that knows it all , doesn't .
further more you don't want to be jumping in and out of a D/S relationship ,
it's not healthy for you .
just like in a vanilla relationship you want to meet as many people as you can , talk to the person lots , get a feel for the person , watch for any red flags ect ect .
You wouldn't want to jump in to a commented relationship in RL that you only meet a few hours ago you

there are many books out there as well amazon has tons.

again i'm no expert just trying to help you along. I have been reading too many story's about subs being taken advantage of , hurt and just confused .

 

[IrisAlthea]

That's true. I am actually in a real relationship but sadly he is over in Iraq right now. He has never dominated before I am using a virtual master as a learning tool to help us both. Thanks for you advice and trust me I'm working as hard as I can to graduate and leave.

The bolded parts might make your search difficult.
Most serious people out there looking are not virtual but real persons, looking for a real relationship and they might not like the idea of beeing used.

 

[JMohegan]

The bolded parts might make your search difficult.
Most serious people out there looking are not virtual but real persons, looking for a real relationship and they might not like the idea of beeing used.

Bull's-eye.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Thank you for the advice as I wrote in a previous post thanking everyone for the advice that they submitted. Do you have anything else you have anything else that you would like to offer?

Actually, if you read between the lines as well as what has been said, you will find quite a bit of advice and the process will also help you with looking for an online Master as it wil help you read between their lines as well....one of the most important skills you can learn.

Catalina

 

[NomadLady]

Actually, if you read between the lines as well as what has been said, you will find quite a bit of advice and the process will also help you with looking for an online Master as it wil help you read between their lines as well....one of the most important skills you can learn.

Catalina

Cataline is SO RIGHT on this topic....being able to read between the lines is an INVALUABLE tool when it comes to weeding out a good or bad Dom...just like it is with the vanilla world.

 

[Stella_Omega]

A good or bad boyfriend, you mean.

 

[NomadLady]

A good or bad boyfriend, you mean.

Point taken....sorry Stella....but it could mean a girlfriend...

 

[princesssuzanne]

The bolded parts might make your search difficult.
Most serious people out there looking are not virtual but real persons, looking for a real relationship and they might not like the idea of beeing used.

When I was contacted in response to my ad, I told them upfront that it just a learning experience and nothing more.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

When I was contacted in response to my ad, I told them upfront that it just a learning experience and nothing more.

And if someone suggested that he wanted to learn to beat others, create bruises and contusions, and how to viciously fuck them in the ass until they bled and wept with honest pain, would you consider that okay?

As IrisAlthea said... most people don't like being used. From what you just said above, that's exactly what you want to do: Use others to gain experience in a field that's new to you without investing any emotion or psychic energy in a "twue" Master/Slave (or whatever form of PYL/pyl) relationship. You might learn from that the outward form(s), but you would NOT learn anything of the depth such an actual relationship could - and should - have.

 

[IrisAlthea]

When I was contacted in response to my ad, I told them upfront that it just a learning experience and nothing more.

Yes, it´s good to be honest about what you want, but you still have to ask yourself what´s in it for the other person. If you say that you are looking for a master, I think you will get lots of answers from people expecting things you don´t want to offer. Perhaps if you call it teacher or mentor or something?

If you are specific about what you want and what you are offering, in your ad, I think your search might be easier.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Yeah, IA - you sorta said what I was thinking, but you said it a lot more nicely than I.

Oh, yeah. "Nobody's ever truthfully accused me of being nice."