How to get over fear/shame around sex?

[Dapperguy]

All I would say to you is this: hangups are able to be kicked into the trash by, gritting your teeth, taking a deep breath and just do it. All the bottoms I've introduced to a life of submission have taking this advice from me.

 

[littlecordelera]

(First time posting something so sorry if I get it wrong.)

I want to learn to be more comfortable in expressing myself sexually and engaging in sexual activity. I can tell that I have an honest desire to be sexual, but I’ve got these awful brain goblins (societal/cultural hang-ups, as well as personal baggage) that get in my way and make it hard to enjoy myself and actually go after what I want.

I guess I’m asking for advice on how to loosen up, to shed my fears and self-consciousness, and to feel comfortable and safe in exploring my sexual side?

I wouldn't change anything. You sound pretty normal to me. Besides, a woman who sheds her fears and feels safe exploring her sexual side is likely to end up dead. I suggest you hold on to those fears. They're there for a reason.

 

[jehoram]

I wouldn't change anything. You sound pretty normal to me. Besides, a woman who sheds her fears and feels safe exploring her sexual side is likely to end up dead. I suggest you hold on to those fears. They're there for a reason.

I think there's wisdom in not shedding your fears entirely. But don't let them dominate you, either. What's the best course? Set boundaries. Give yourself so much freedom to explore, but make it clear to both yourself and your prospective partner that the lines are drawn. If they exceed them, cut them off.

 

[Dapperguy]

I think there's wisdom in shedding your fears entirely. But don't let them dominate you, either. What's the best course? Set boundaries. Give yourself so much freedom to explore, but make it clear to both yourself and your prospective partner that the lines are drawn. If they exceed them, cut them off.

What about the spirit of spontaneity? One must live and love for this.

 

[NiceSlice]

Hah, I feel like the point about therapy is good advice that keeps coming up for me. I do already talk to someone in that regard, about general stuff, but she hasn't exactly been the most in-tune when I've brought up things about sexuality. Idk, maybe I should seek out someone separate for that.

Save your money…..dump the useless “Head Shrink” and simply get a BF. Guys are easy to find…the ratio on here about 15 to 1.

 

[AchtungNight]

My advice to those who experience fear around sex is to prepare yourself to face fear. Study martial arts, carry pepper spray or other weapons if you prefer (and you legally can of course), and get friends willing and able to protect you. Also build the mindset that you won’t accept the fear or encourage it in your own head. Writing things out also helps. Whatever your issues, I wish you luck.

 

[lowcollar]

Our choices and preferences sexually are simply ours and unique. It's kind of like do you prefer peas or corn. Guilt is pointless unlessa person has done something deceptive or against another's will.

 

[Kittenheels54]

I don’t know how old you are but women like myself who are older (54) were taught that sex was forbidden, if you did have sex you were a slut, whore etc. Now these same women who get married or are in relationships are expected to have a sexual relationship with their partners. But it’s hard to know how to do that in a healthy way because you’ve been told your whole life this wrong & you are to deny your natural desires. It can really mess you up if you let it.

 

[Tweedledude]

I don’t know how old you are but women like myself who are older (54) were taught that sex was forbidden, if you did have sex you were a slut, whore etc. Now these same women who get married or are in relationships are expected to have a sexual relationship with their partners. But it’s hard to know how to do that in a healthy way because you’ve been told your whole life this wrong & you are to deny your natural desires. It can really mess you up if you let it.

Agree with your perspective completely..... Lived the results for 44 plus years.

 

[simplylovelypoet]

I definitely recommend seeing a therapist. Often, sexual shame is rooted in other unaddressed areas.
Looking forward to an update on your progress!

 

[lifeis2short2b]

(First time posting something so sorry if I get it wrong.)

I want to learn to be more comfortable in expressing myself sexually and engaging in sexual activity. I can tell that I have an honest desire to be sexual, but I’ve got these awful brain goblins (societal/cultural hang-ups, as well as personal baggage) that get in my way and make it hard to enjoy myself and actually go after what I want.

I guess I’m asking for advice on how to loosen up, to shed my fears and self-consciousness, and to feel comfortable and safe in exploring my sexual side?

I think the most important thing is to find someone your comfortable with. When you get that person you can be free to experiment with your sexuallity.
Also remember not everyone would " like" your same " intrests" that's okay just find a happy place.

 

[Matt12191982]

Go with your feelings.

 

[Hipshot1554]

I don’t know how old you are but women like myself who are older (54) were taught that sex was forbidden, if you did have sex you were a slut, whore etc. Now these same women who get married or are in relationships are expected to have a sexual relationship with their partners. But it’s hard to know how to do that in a healthy way because you’ve been told your whole life this wrong & you are to deny your natural desires. It can really mess you up if you let it.

Then there are those that do get past that, then look out!

 

[Kittenheels54]

Then there are those that do get past that, then look out!

Yes! That’s what happened

 

[Hipshot1554]

Yes! That’s what happened

And they are the best kind!

 

[lexy_sadie]

I'm glad you asked this question, as I've enjoyed so many of the responses. I wasn't expecting something this cool when I started poking around the message boards.

Certainly I've had hangups that revolve around "but my life is fulfilling in many other ways, do I really need sex?" And the answer, strictly speaking, is no. But why should I deprive myself of the chance? (Also tricky: "you have more important things to think about than sex right now. Go do important things!")

And I don't want to be too unfiltered and be the sort of person who lets you know they're unrepressed about their sexual needs.

One of the most difficult things for me to say is "I enjoy X, Y and Z sexually, and I realize that's unusual, but I'm not too worried about judgement, because I've seen it done ethically." Whether in cyberspace or real life. I think just being on various sex or fetish boards has helped me se that works well -- I don't look down on people who have fetishes I don't like, and I expect they don't look down on me, and that helps wipe away some of the shame from my teenage years.

Some of the biggest boosts I've gotten are when someone says "I don't like fetish W, but your post/writing changed that a bit, well done!" Or I'm able to say that honestly to someone else without it sounding like a backhand compliment.

The internet's been big that way for me. Other people like what I like! Many of them are actually sane! Some even grew from discussing their sexual wants and desires intelligently!

I suspect since this post started, you'll have found some ways to feel less shame. My experience is not to expect a big moment where the shame collapses. You find ways to push and poke at it and eventually you realize you made a breakthrough, and you're not going back to how you were. Each time this happens for me has been rewarding. There is still a way to go and it may be cliche but I enjoy the journey when I remember to take it.