I don't know how to leave.

[bisexplicit]

I'm with Noor - you really should think about therapy for yourself. Noor said much of what I was thinking, just in a more articulate, polite manner. I also think it might help your relationship to spend time with your boyfriend, rather than spending so much time on Lit.

I was quite offended by this post.

You seem to assume that I'm a bad girlfriend, that I don't spend time with him. On the contrary, I rarely spend time with anyone else. Whenever he is home, I'm spending time with him and only him.

And also, I think I would be even crazier than I am - if thats possible - if I didn't have somewhere to vent, and somewhere to escape. Perhaps coming on lit isn't the healthiest or best thing I can be doing with my time, but it has helped with giving me perspective and with giving me a break from continually worrying.

 

[bisexplicit]

Okay, and one last thing.

I do have a counselor and and I am already on medication.

Yeah, I'm this fucked up with all that. Imagine what I would be like without it. Heh.

 

[silverwhisper]

bi: i wasn't aware of that, so my apologies for what must no doubt have seemed gratuitous. you are, i trust, discussing this w/ your counselor?

[gives bi a great big fucking bearhug and tousles her hair a little]

ed

 

[bisexplicit]

bi: i wasn't aware of that, so my apologies for what must no doubt have seemed gratuitous. you are, i trust, discussing this w/ your counselor?

[gives bi a great big fucking bearhug and tousles her hair a little]

ed

Yes, I am. It's hard to figure out your whole life in one hour once every two weeks, though.

And no problem that you didn't know, remember to write it down now in your "things that I should know about bi" handbook.

 

[silverwhisper]

damn it! now i'm gonna have to send everyone an update!

[gives her another hug]

i'm sorry, i guess i'm kinda overdoing that, aren't i?

ed

 

[bisexplicit]

Nah, it's cool. Cyber hugs are good.

And I didn't realize that you were the official writer and distributor of the handbook. That must take quite a lot of organization.

 

[silverwhisper]

yeah, esp w/ your post count, missy.

[wags finger]

ed

 

[bisexplicit]

Thats because I put so little thought into my posts. It's an art, really.

 

[silverwhisper]

yet you make it seem so effortless... :>

ed

 

[TBKahuna123]

My family and friends have told me the same thing - so it's no longer a shock.

I just wish everyone could see how good he can treat me at the same time. And I really don't think he does any of it on purpose. Heh. It feels impossible to figure out.

I haven't chimed in yet because I just wasn't really sure what to say. This post however I think shed some light on the subject.

First off you're right, you aren't a bad girlfriend. Anyone who's seen your posts knows you have put a lot into this relationship.

What I am hearing is that he treats you well, but there are just things about him and your current situation that are not right for you. This isn't abuse, and I wouldn't really call this situation abusive. I would call it unhealthy for you. I have a sister in law who was in a similar situation. Her family pushed and pushed for her to leave him and she married him out of spite. Now here she is, stuck with a kid in a marriage to a man who just isn't responsible enough to be a husband, let alone a father. She's stuck now and has spent the last 4 years making excuses for her dead beat husband. Through it all though he treats her good and isn't in anyway abusive, just irresponsible.

Bi, just because someone is nice to us of we have feelings for someone doesn't make them the right match for us. There are good and bad in every relationship and I'm a firm believer in working together through the tough times. That said though, it sure sounds to me like these are basic personality issues, not behavioral ones. If his personality doesn't click with yours you won't be able to be happy with him, even if you love him. It's just not the right environment for you.

That's even harder to accept, that he may touch you on some level, but not be the man for you. If he were knocking you around every day it would be so easy for you to leave him, but he's not. He's just not providing a healthy environment for you.

Leaving school, moving home, rebuilding your life is not failure, it's growth. Failure only happens when we identify a situation that needs to be fixed, yet ignore the fix because it's too hard. Sometimes things don't work out like we had planned and we have to retrace our steps and start over again. There is nothing wrong with that, in fact I think it takes a tremendous amount of courage to do so.

 

[EJFan]

Leaving school, moving home, rebuilding your life is not failure, it's growth. Failure only happens when we identify a situation that needs to be fixed, yet ignore the fix because it's too hard. Sometimes things don't work out like we had planned and we have to retrace our steps and start over again. There is nothing wrong with that, in fact I think it takes a tremendous amount of courage to do so.

i think this is brilliant... and agree whole-heartedly.

 

[Meat Whistler]

I was quite offended by this post.

You seem to assume that I'm a bad girlfriend, that I don't spend time with him. On the contrary, I rarely spend time with anyone else. Whenever he is home, I'm spending time with him and only him.

And also, I think I would be even crazier than I am - if thats possible - if I didn't have somewhere to vent, and somewhere to escape. Perhaps coming on lit isn't the healthiest or best thing I can be doing with my time, but it has helped with giving me perspective and with giving me a break from continually worrying.

Where did I indicate that you're a horrible girlfriend? I simply suggested that people who spend tons of time on a messageboard aren't spending that time with their partner. I'm obviously not suggesting that you spend every waking moment with your lover, but many people distract themselves with other things (football, Lit, etc.) rather than dealing with a problem in the relationship. Also, sometimes people don't realize how much time they are spending online, in front of the TV, etc.

I suggest a book called 'How To Stop Worrying & Start Living' by Dale Carnegie. It's an older book, but has very logical information on how to conquer worry.

Okay, and one last thing. I do have a counselor and and I am already on medication. Yeah, I'm this fucked up with all that. Imagine what I would be like without it. Heh.

I think it's great that you realize you have a problem and are taking care of it.

 

[sassy_girl1963]

Bi, really have nothing to add to what the others have already suggested to you. But wanted to tell you as one who has felt like a failure in the past due to different reasons and situations that yes it can be hard and at times letting go of pride, but well worth it in the end.

For me, I had to continue to seek what I honestly felt and wanted and then have the courage to to express that to my sister and then to take the steps to change my surroundings. Was it easy? No - it was not - but then for me, staying where I was, living a life I did not want to lead was horrible and totally crushing me.

 

[Ms_Lilith]

"He is good to me, he doesn't really mean to do any of it".

It would be better for you if he DID mean to do it. If he DID mean to hurt you. Because then you'd know it was conscious cruelty, conscious neglect, conscious abuse.

Someone who doesn't mean to be cruel, but has it in them to be so... is a dangerous person. That the cruelty comes out, or that the abuse happens, or that the meanness is there... and it finds action... is dangerous.

Your man is manipulating you. He is using your good heart to validate his existence.

YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS DECISIONS.

If you leave, and he kills himself, that is not your responsibility. Though I doubt he would. Most people who threaten that way, are crying wolf. And that's a bastardly thing to do.

You know, in your heart, that you should not be in this relationship. I suspect that you think if you leave, you'll never find someone who loves you like he says he does. I suspect that you feel ugly and worthless. Your posts seem to project that. It's also very telling that you've been isolated from your family, and from friends.. Lit being the place that you vent this...

Honey, this smacks of abuse. Emotional abuse. I have been there, in a very real sense.

Get out, while you can.

 

[warrior queen]

well, this post certainly smacks of the classic 'manipulation of emotion' that you first outlined above!

get out while you're still able to believe yourself - if you stay, eventually you will end up second-guessing your own resposes/emotions, and if that happens, it's a very long, hard road back to finding yourself.

i know - been there, got the t-shirt

thought i should quickly add.....
i'm in a situation right now where i'm not sure i should/want to/can stay in my own relationship - but this current relationship is not the one i was referring to in my above post.
(that was my first marriage, where i had all the emotional abuse but never recognised it for what it was.)

hope that clarifies.

 

[Succulent-one]

And I think I want to. As much as I love him, as much as going to this school was my dream, as much as I wanted to make it on my own...

He told me he'd kill himself if I left him. Hell, he told me he'd kill himself if I wanted to move back home and have a long distance relationship. And, I know, if I left, that his finacial problems will get worse.

And no one else has to leave their school because they can't handle it. No one else has a hard time leaving their apartment. No one else has to leave classes due to sudden panic attacks. I feel like such a failure.

And everyone else has someone they can talk to. But I can't talk to anyone. Because no one understands. I can't talk to my family, with their "I told you he was no good" attitude. I can't talk to my friends. I'm the funny one, I'm the one who brushes over this stuff. Plus, they wouldn't understand. They went away to their schools and made other friends. Their college days are spent worrying how to smuggle alcohol into their dorm rooms, not how to convince themselves not die.

I hate myself for writing this.

But I need help. I need to be able to look at this later. Later, when he comes home, and promises me things will be better. And promises me that he loves me, and wants whats best for me. Later, when I believe him, and I somehow manage to forget how much pain I'm in. I love him, but I have to leave. And I don't think I'm going to.

I would love to share my feelings with you, if you PM me. I was caught in a relationship where he treatened to kill himself and kill me..... You can get out. A friend I met here on Lit helped me. We would be glad to talk to you. S1

 

[ewopper]

And I think I want to. As much as I love him, as much as going to this school was my dream, as much as I wanted to make it on my own...

He told me he'd kill himself if I left him. Hell, he told me he'd kill himself if I wanted to move back home and have a long distance relationship. And, I know, if I left, that his finacial problems will get worse.

And no one else has to leave their school because they can't handle it. No one else has a hard time leaving their apartment. No one else has to leave classes due to sudden panic attacks. I feel like such a failure.

And everyone else has someone they can talk to. But I can't talk to anyone. Because no one understands. I can't talk to my family, with their "I told you he was no good" attitude. I can't talk to my friends. I'm the funny one, I'm the one who brushes over this stuff. Plus, they wouldn't understand. They went away to their schools and made other friends. Their college days are spent worrying how to smuggle alcohol into their dorm rooms, not how to convince themselves not die.

I hate myself for writing this.

But I need help. I need to be able to look at this later. Later, when he comes home, and promises me things will be better. And promises me that he loves me, and wants whats best for me. Later, when I believe him, and I somehow manage to forget how much pain I'm in. I love him, but I have to leave. And I don't think I'm going to.

Don't hate yourself for writing this or for anything else. Be true to you. That's a tough burden to place on someone you claim you love. this is just my opinion It seems he knows that he can push this particular button to get you
to do what he wants and stay with him. The best advice I can give you is if he really loves you he wouldn't threaten suicide to keep you by his side. He sounds very immature to me; just my opinion.

 

[rosco rathbone]

A

He told me he'd kill himself if I left him.

My .02---I could never be with someone who'd try such an emotional blackmail stunt.

 

[southernsky]

It doesn't matter how often he is good to you. It matters what happens when he's bad to you. Do you find those times unacceptable? Does it hurt you? You need to react based on the bad times, not the good. Forget the good times. If you find the bad times too much to handle, you do not need to be with this man. There are many many other men who will treat you well and do not have a mean or harsh bone in their body. I've also been here and done this. I cannot believe I found who I am with now. I wake up every morning and thank God for my happiness with him. My old partner and I were okay to begin with, and got worse. Emotional drama, blackmail, and it only got worse. I stayed with him for exactly the same reasons you say. I even broke up with him, only to get back together with him, and that relationship caused more mental problems than a shrink could come up with in an hour.

When I broke up with him and decided to stand on my own two feet and not put up with this shit anymore, all my mental problems disappeared. I am happy, make good grades, am confident, have a great man in my life, and everything just seems to be getting better and better.

He'll make you think that there's nobody else for you but him. He'll make you think that nobody understands you but him. He'll make you think that you're unloveable by everyone but him. HE'S LYING. He'll make you think that you'll never be happy unless you're with him. He'll make you think that the good times will erase the bad times. He's LYING. He does not know what he's talking about.

Why don't you try leaving him for a month? No contact for a month and see how you feel without him. If he can't accept that you need your time and space, well then, [insert choice expletive] [insert name]. I just can't see how this is helping you. Not one little bit. Do you know how many men are out there in this world? Right now? Do you know how many single men are out there? Do you know how many of them will NOT have you on an internet message board upset about the relationship to this degree? I bet there are a lot. Just think about that. I know you don't believe me right now, but that's because I really believe that your boyfriend is manipulating you. It might be the hardest thing you'll ever do to get out of this relationship, but you need to put yourself FIRST. BEFORE HIM. Take care of yourself.

 

[bisexplicit]

southernsky, What you say makes a lot of sense - right now. But, as soon as we're not in the middle of a fight (which, of course, I am again right now), I feel guilty for even thinking things like this. Like I betrayed him. And it feels impossible to leave - because I am completely in love with him, and whenever we aren't fighting, that seems more important than anything else in the world.

 

[silverwhisper]

bi: sure, you may love him, but i honestly have tremendous difficulty believing that he loves you. someone who actually is capable of loving you would not subject you to emotional blackmail.

i don't think he loves you. i think he loves his control over you.

ed

 

[bigman507]

Bi-

I am not going to presume to take guesses as to whether he loves you or not. It's not fair, and it's really not possible from where I (and IMO any of us, unless one of us knows you really well or in R/L). What is clear is that he needs help, and that continuing in this relationship, regardless of whether he really loves you or not, would be unwise the way things currently stand.

It is very easy to dismiss and ignore all the bad things when things are going great and you're euphoric about things. On the same token, it's very hard to remember the great things when you are so depressed and upset about it. I personally think you need to get out of this relationship - for both of your sakes. Help him to get help if indeed he needs it, but you absolutely cannot let his threats influence your decisions. You can still love someone and still engage in habitually abusive patterns, which includes the threat that he was going to kill himself. Those threats may be genuine, they may not... but in any case, I don't think either of you are in a rational, sound position to be continuing in a relationship. But at the same time please make it clear that it is not "his fault" and try your best to help him get help and make sure he's ok. Just want to make it clear I am not questioning his motives or how he is when he is great to you... it may very well be genuine... but...yeah. I've rambled enough and I hope this all makes some kind of coherant sense.

Best of luck to you and you're in my prayers. Hope things get better for you.

 

[BiBunny]

Bi, honey, after reading this thread and a few of your others, I've realized that you're in the position that I was in this time last year. I don't have time for a long reply right now, but I'll come back later. Just know that I'm thinking of you. *Hugs*