I give up!

[BlackShanglan]

I have been trying to resist the urge to solicit feedback for my stories. Truly, I have. But I have to give in and ask... please read my stories and tell me what you think. Writing fiction is new to me, and I would appreciate comments and suggestions. I would, of course, appreciate praise even more.

And feel free to check out my poems too and rip away at them. You can see all my work in my sig link.
Thanks!!

The best way to get it is to post it. I recommend the story feedback circle forum, or try the author's hangout for my read/vote/feedback the person above you thread. That, and just spend an hour now and then reading and giving feedback to a few stories. It's not a one-for-one return, that's true - but it's something, and you're also giving what you're getting.

Oh yes - and you migth try reading and giving feedback to Sack. He's a real hero for posting feedback - more, I think, than anyone on Lit numerically - so he's worth contacting.

That, and try offering to be editing/feedback buddies with someone. A one-for-one exchange is often a fair deal.

Shanglan

 

[sophia jane]

The best way to get it is to post it. I recommend the story feedback circle forum, or try the author's hangout for my read/vote/feedback the person above you thread. That, and just spend an hour now and then reading and giving feedback to a few stories. It's not a one-for-one return, that's true - but it's something, and you're also giving what you're getting.

Oh yes - and you migth try reading and giving feedback to Sack. He's a real hero for posting feedback - more, I think, than anyone on Lit numerically - so he's worth contacting.

That, and try offering to be editing/feedback buddies with someone. A one-for-one exchange is often a fair deal.

Shanglan

Thanks for the ideas! I've done most of them (except solicit from Sack) since I originally asked for feedback. I have definitely gotten more feedback from giving feedback to others. That's a good tip for anyone looking for comments on their stories.

SJ

 

[cloudy]

The first story I posted here, Sophia, is second person, present tense (of course) - I hate it. I plan on one day editing it to make it a little more, um, readable.

The next couple of stories after that were written in first person, past tense. They're decent, but not my best work.

Just from personal experience, it took me a little while to become comfortable writing third person. It just seemed easier to write in first person. Now, after a little experience, I can look at my things, and I realize it was easier, simply because I didn't have to include a lot of the nuances that you do in third person, and I didn't have to do quite as much thinking about what I was writing. That said, I still think my later works, in third person past, are much, much better than my first person efforts.

Haven't read yours yet, so I can't say whether you're following the same pattern I did or not, but just thought I'd let you know my experience with the POV thing.

 

[bowtie4u]

S J just read your story "Night Noises" it is very good, your work is getting Better with every story you write!!

Keep up the good work!!

 

[sophia jane]

S J just read your story "Night Noises" it is very good, your work is getting Better with every story you write!!

Keep up the good work!!

Thanks.

SJ

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Hi SJ

For what it's worth, I agree that first person, present tense works for a short steamy episode but is real difficult to maintain. I think Night Noises is even better that the Speeding Tickets but there was a style thing that jarred a little.

For example, you wrote;

I walk down the hall and stop outside her door, which she left slightly ajar. I can see the foot of her bed, lit by a nearby lamp. Peering in, I find Renee and Scott having sex.

From where I stand, I see the top half of Renee's body; she is bent over the end of her bed, holding herself up on her hands. She is naked.

For me, this is past tense masquerading a bit as 'stream of consciousness' present. If you write in first person present, who are you explaining things to?

I wouldn't claim the following is better but just that it fits the straitjacket you imposed on yourself.

As I walk down the hall, I am drawn by the glimmer of light seeping from her slightly open door. Drawn to the lit opening like a moth to a flame, I find Renee and Scott having sex.

I see the top half of Renee's naked body, bent over the bed and propped up on her hands.

I love first person, present tense but I've struggled to write it. All the time you have to cut out the little cheating explanations like, 'which she left slightly ajar'. This is really a case where those lit titans are right, first person, present - Show, don't tell.

Don't stick pins in wax models of me! I really like your stories and think your poems are superb. Please tell me if you think I'm talking crap here.

 

[sophia jane]

Don't stick pins in wax models of me! I really like your stories and think your poems are superb. Please tell me if you think I'm talking crap here.

I think you're fabulous!
Really, I like to hear what works for people and doesn't work for people. I hadn't really thought of those things when I wrote it. It can be limiting to write in first person present, and I will probably be branching out soon into third person.
I think your points are valid, and I actually like your suggested change for that particular scene.
The four stories I have up on lit are the only four pieces of fiction I've written. I am learning as I go, and I am always glad for pointers and suggestions.
I'm glad you liked my work, though. I like praise, too.

SJ

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Hey girly, what you write is hot. All we talk about here is style, you've got the wicked imagination.

The progression from the UPS guy to Night Noises is more than most of us ever managed in our early faltering steps.

Keep the faith and keep writing. I, for one, will be reading and picking up a few hints.

Love

Elle

 

[sophia jane]

Hey girly, what you write is hot. All we talk about here is style, you've got the wicked imagination.

The progression from the UPS guy to Night Noises is more than most of us ever managed in our early faltering steps.

Keep the faith and keep writing. I, for one, will be reading and picking up a few hints.

Love

Elle

Thanks! What a nice thing to say. I worked my ass off on Night Noises, (thanks softie!!) so I'm glad that there was improvement since the first one.
I'll be reading your stories later this evening.

SJ

 

[Softouch911]

Thanks! What a nice thing to say. I worked my ass off on Night Noises, (thanks softie!!) so I'm glad that there was improvement since the first one.
I'll be reading your stories later this evening.

SJ

Hey, you're welcome, SJ! Fwiw, I think I get more out of it than you ... your talent is wonderful and to see your growth spurts is fun. Can't wait for your next, either.

Elfin_odalisque, again fwiw, I thought the short, abrupt sequence of scattered impressions in the scene you note was pretty good for the narrator's state of mind -- given her confusion, admitted surprise, the fact she's having to take in a lot all at once, she just woke up, and she's in present tense.

If she had been in past tense I would look for more logic too as, presumably, she would have had some time to think about what she had seen.

ONce she gets involved in the sex herself, of course, the sequence becomes based on the sequence of sensations.

Sorry to be long-winded, but I felt it added some plausibility.


Softie -- maybe soft in the head

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Hey, you're welcome, SJ! Fwiw, I think I get more out of it than you ... your talent is wonderful and to see your growth spurts is fun. Can't wait for your next, either.

Elfin_odalisque, again fwiw, I thought the short, abrupt sequence of scattered impressions in the scene you note was pretty good for the narrator's state of mind -- given her confusion, admitted surprise, the fact she's having to take in a lot all at once, she just woke up, and she's in present tense.

If she had been in past tense I would look for more logic too as, presumably, she would have had some time to think about what she had seen.

ONce she gets involved in the sex herself, of course, the sequence becomes based on the sequence of sensations.

Sorry to be long-winded, but I felt it added some plausibility.


Softie -- maybe soft in the head

I think we agree with each other, especially when you describe the sex scene. Beforehand needs to be short, abrupt and scattered and I was just wondering whether the neat, diary-like phrasing, didn't take away from that.

Hey! Just goes to prove that if you put three authors end to end, they'll never reach a conclusion.

How you doing today?

 

[sophia jane]

I think we agree with each other, especially when you describe the sex scene. Beforehand needs to be short, abrupt and scattered and I was just wondering whether the neat, diary-like phrasing, didn't take away from that.

Hey! Just goes to prove that if you put three authors end to end, they'll never reach a conclusion.

How you doing today?

Elfin- thanks so much for the pc! I love what you said. I guess my poetry sticks with me all the time. Still need to read your stories. I got distracted last night.

SJ

 

[zukethecuke]

As far as I've gotten

I've only read about half the poetry, the UPS story, and Night Noises so far, not the traffic cop ones. I'm not competent to judge poetry, but the stories are good and getting better. There is some awkwardness in the explaining you do (why the narrator puts on a tee shirt, how far ajar the door was), but another draft would smooth a lot of that out. You're pretty good (not perfect) at describing the physical positions of everyone's bodies, which is REALLY hard to do. Some writers present us with near-impossible gymnastics -- you've avoided that. Keep it up!

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Elfin- thanks so much for the pc! I love what you said. I guess my poetry sticks with me all the time. Still need to read your stories. I got distracted last night.

SJ

SJ, my stories are a bit more aligned towards the dream of getting published. I have saved Speeding Ticket 1 because it answers a secret fetish I've always had.

Promise now you won't tell?

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I've only read about half the poetry, the UPS story, and Night Noises so far, not the traffic cop ones. I'm not competent to judge poetry, but the stories are good and getting better. There is some awkwardness in the explaining you do (why the narrator puts on a tee shirt, how far ajar the door was), but another draft would smooth a lot of that out. You're pretty good (not perfect) at describing the physical positions of everyone's bodies, which is REALLY hard to do. Some writers present us with near-impossible gymnastics -- you've avoided that. Keep it up!

First time - aren't they the best? Just going to check you out. Hold your breath, I'll be back.

 

[sophia jane]

SJ, my stories are a bit more aligned towards the dream of getting published. I have saved Speeding Ticket 1 because it answers a secret fetish I've always had.

Promise now you won't tell?

I have a dream of one day being publishable, myself. It is a dream far far and away, but a dream nonetheless.
Speeding Ticket was based on my own long time fantasy.

SJ

 

[sophia jane]

I've only read about half the poetry, the UPS story, and Night Noises so far, not the traffic cop ones. I'm not competent to judge poetry, but the stories are good and getting better. There is some awkwardness in the explaining you do (why the narrator puts on a tee shirt, how far ajar the door was), but another draft would smooth a lot of that out. You're pretty good (not perfect) at describing the physical positions of everyone's bodies, which is REALLY hard to do. Some writers present us with near-impossible gymnastics -- you've avoided that. Keep it up!

Thanks! I am learning as I go. Never been much of a fiction writer before, and it's alot harder than it looks. (at least for me) Thanks for the encouragement, though. I will keep up with it because I enjoy, and I hope that I get better as I go.

SJ

 

[elfin_odalisque]

SJ, have a bit of confidence. Your stories read well and you get good feedback. The coveted 'H' comes your way and we all think you are a great talent.

When you are a Lit demi-god think back at us poor mortals!!

Lots of love

Elle

 

[sophia jane]

SJ, have a bit of confidence. Your stories read well and you get good feedback. The coveted 'H' comes your way and we all think you are a great talent.

When you are a Lit demi-god think back at us poor mortals!!

Lots of love

Elle

Elle- You're such a sweetie. But you have quite a row of H's yourself!!

SJ

 

[Boxlicker101]

SJ, have a bit of confidence. Your stories read well and you get good feedback. The coveted 'H' comes your way and we all think you are a great talent.

When you are a Lit demi-god think back at us poor mortals!!

Lots of love

Elle

Not to mention, you have a nice ass.

 

[sophia jane]

Not to mention, you have a nice ass.

Lol! Thanks.

SJ

 

[espeteroh]

I read your stories and liked the Speeding Ticket one, thought it well written. The style in the prior two leaves me a little wanting. There's no lead in, suddenly everything is happening. I hate to be negative at all but you did ask. On the positive side where I'm concerned Speeding Ticket shows me you can write and there's a lot of people who submit stuff here who seem to have somewhere between little and no clue of good writing form so I'd say keep it up, do it for yourself and don't worry about what anyone says. If you're enjoying the writing then that's all that really matters.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Sophia Jane, you tricked me! Been out of town a couple of days and when the cop pulled me over, I remembered your story.

Why didn't you tell me the magic doesn't work in daylight?

Bet you're not offering to pay the ticket.

 

[sophia jane]

Sophia Jane, you tricked me! Been out of town a couple of days and when the cop pulled me over, I remembered your story.

Why didn't you tell me the magic doesn't work in daylight?

Bet you're not offering to pay the ticket.

LMAO. Very funny.

I had the same thoughts when the UPS man brought me a package. I wanted to invite him in....

SJ

 

[elfin_odalisque]

LMAO. Very funny.

I had the same thoughts when the UPS man brought me a package. I wanted to invite him in....

SJ

Yeah, I know, I don't think guys understand. Tried a bit of flashing in one story but couldn't do the full pizza boy fantasy. Oh yes! It is a fantasy!