I have a Question

[SpectreT]

Late to the party, as usual, but here's my $0.02......

You were absolutely 100% correct in your reaction. You let him (the wannabe) know how you felt, and what you planned on doing. He sounds from this tiny snippet like someone who doesn't have well developed discipline...... Not the kind of person you want to trust as a Dominant.

I'm always behind the idea of being open, especially in a committed relationship. This is not to say, just dump all your needs, desires and fantasies in his lap in one go. Hint around a bit, sound him out for his opinions. But be prepared for two things:

He's going, if this is a good relationship, feel more open, and probably share some of his own baggage.

It's also possible he'll react negatively.

Just be ready, either way. I've got my fingers crossed for ya!


(Warning! The rest of this post is tangential, or even slightly off-topic, in terms of people reacting badly and the hinting game: fishing for opinions)

Right now I can't tell you how envious I am of cymbidia in one regard; she can talk to her mom without hiding this aspect of herself. I played the hint game with my parents, and discovered that they feel all us "Sick Freaks ought to be locked up somewhere, away from normal people." I'm quoting my own mother, BTW. It does a number on one's self-esteem to know that the people you're supposed to be able to count on and talk to about anything think that you and people like you are "sick freaks".

 

[CatEyes]

Re: CatEyes

The *truth*, is the ONE thing, no one can change. If I looked at a wall and declared it was painted pink,...someone else may look at the same wall and say it was purple. Someone else may see it as green,...but if the wall is red,...that is the *truth*.

Now one has to ask the question,..."Well Art, just what color IS the wall?" I would honestly tell ya it is *pink*, (even if it WAS red). Why? Because THAT is my TRUTH. It just depends on how you see things.

hmmm.....ok....but is it hot pink, bubble gum pink or baby pink? *grin*

CatEyes

 

[CatEyes]

CatEyes

Yes Dom/mes should behave with a higher standard of self control than you might expect from other relationships. A Dominant worth their weight and your respect would go the extra mile to HELP you save your relationship with your husband if you expressed that desire. That Dominant would~NOT~be devastated~rejected~in pain~angry~ and hurtful to you.

What you have described is a man out of control, a spoilt man, a man that has the potential to be abusive. A chameleon that sucks you in slowly until you are emotionally hooked to some degree. Then when you step aside he pouts, stomps his foot and raises his voice.

you did the right thing by confronting him and will do the safest thing for your own growth by moving past him without a second thought. He wastes your emotions with every second of space you give his memory. He weakens the realities of real Dominants in your mind slowly and insiduously as you will compare all you meet to his idiocy.

your own common sense recognized that something wasn't right. you called him on it and found out you were correct. you owe nothing to this three week relationship no matter how enjoyable or intense it was. you do owe yourself your pride.

In My opinionated opinion

Thank you Shadowsdream. In this new world I'm exploring I'm not sure sometimes what's right or what's wrong.

It's hard sometimes to tell the real from the fake. I've always been pretty good at it though maybe because I did meet a wonderful Dom five years ago who was the one who first openend my eyes to this.

Live and learn.

CatEyes

 

[CatEyes]

Late to the party, as usual, but here's my $0.02......

You were absolutely 100% correct in your reaction. You let him (the wannabe) know how you felt, and what you planned on doing. He sounds from this tiny snippet like someone who doesn't have well developed discipline...... Not the kind of person you want to trust as a Dominant.

I think he was pretty new at it and I don't believe he's ever actually had any rl experience.

But be prepared for two things:

He's going, if this is a good relationship, feel more open, and probably share some of his own baggage.

It's also possible he'll react negatively.

Just be ready, either way. I've got my fingers crossed for ya!

Thank you. ;-)

Right now I can't tell you how envious I am of cymbidia in one regard; she can talk to her mom without hiding this aspect of herself. I played the hint game with my parents, and discovered that they feel all us "Sick Freaks ought to be locked up somewhere, away from normal people." I'm quoting my own mother, BTW. It does a number on one's self-esteem to know that the people you're supposed to be able to count on and talk to about anything think that you and people like you are "sick freaks".

I'm sorry, that must be hard on you. You just have to remember that people in their generation just aren't as open minded. Even though things happened back then too they weren't talked about. If they're in any way religious and catholic that just makes it even worse. It's no reflection on you I'm sure they love you very much.

CatEyes

 

[Desdemona]

CatEyes, let me just echo those that advise you to figure out what you really want. Take your time and be sure within yourself. Once you do, don't settle for less. Hopefully, you'll be able to have your needs heard and met within your marriage.

The other path is both rocky and steep. You were definitely right not to begin that trek based on a three week relationship. If you find yourself on that journey, you must be very sure that it is what you truly want for you.

 

[SpectreT]

Oh, I know they love me. They're about as un-religious as you can get. They were raised catholic, and for my very early life, so was I. My parents are..... odd. They dislike politics and politicians, yet they're the most politically conservative people I know. They drive me batshit, frankly. I love 'em, but they're absolutely insane.

For people to come out of the same age group as Hippies, they've sure got a strong belief that the government should make a law against anyhthing they don't agree with.

<shaking my head>

Sometimes they're so cool, like when Dad and I are out golfing and just shooting the shit about life, the universe and everything.... then I hear ignorant bigoted claptrap like that from them.

Batshit, I tell you... They're gonna drive me straight around the bend......

Anyway, sorry to heist the thread......

We now return you to CatEyes' original thread. The preceeding was funded by a grant from the "Let SpectreT vent" foundation, and the support of readers like you. Back to the thread...

 

[Sandia]

Again, I think Cat is/was asking too much of this guy.

He got involved with her because he wanted a sexual relationship. I doubt he signed up to be her online platonic mentor.

When she changed her mind, he felt hurt - a natural human reaction. You gotta give humans that kind of leeway. It's how they are. You're gonna have a lot of disappointment otherwise...

If there are superheros out there who are willing to put aside all their own emotions, desires, etc., to be somebody's father-figure, that's wonderful. But I doubt it.

In real life, both sides need to be getting something out of a relationship in order to make it work.

You can't sit back and say "It's all about me, and if the dom doesn't get that, he's a pretender."

 

[CatEyes]

Again, I think Cat is/was asking too much of this guy.

He got involved with her because he wanted a sexual relationship. I doubt he signed up to be her online platonic mentor.

When she changed her mind, he felt hurt - a natural human reaction. You gotta give humans that kind of leeway. It's how they are. You're gonna have a lot of disappointment otherwise...

If there are superheros out there who are willing to put aside all their own emotions, desires, etc., to be somebody's father-figure, that's wonderful. But I doubt it.

In real life, both sides need to be getting something out of a relationship in order to make it work.

You can't sit back and say "It's all about me, and if the dom doesn't get that, he's a pretender."

Just a clarification. I didn't change my mind. He knew from the beginning that I was married and everytime he'd asked me about leaving my marriage I always told him that I couldn't see myself being able to do that. I was always honest with him. He knew there were some problems in my marriage and harbored a hope that I would change my mind and come to see that he would be able to make me happy in ways that I'm not right now. Was that a possibility? Maybe, you can never say never. And maybe some people can make hasty decisions on such short aquaintance but I'm not one of them. Especially when it involves other people.

Sandia, I do agree with everything you said above. I don't harbor any ill feelings toward him because I know he asked me to make the decision he did on such short aquaintance to protect himself. I know he was hurt because he hoped I would decide in his favor. He's been looking for someone for 2 years and from what he told me most of the people he meets are married. I'm sure he's been hurt and disappointed a lot of times in the last 2 years. If he's not as controlled with his feelings as maybe he should be it's because he's not that experience. I think he will be a wonderful Dom and I hope he finds a sub who will be able to give him everything he's looking for. I wish him happiness because he deserves it.

CatEyes

 

[Sandia]

Cat, I apologize. I didn't mean to imply that you led him on.

I actually know very little about your situation, and that last post was directed more toward what some of the other posters were saying than to you personally.

In any event, you always have the right to change your mind.

As long as you've been honest with him, you bear no responsibility... at least in a moral sense... as they say, you pays your money, you takes your chances...

But asking him to be friends at this point is prolly asking too much.

It'd be better if he was more mature about it... but you gotta take people for where they're at... not where they oughta be...

Anyway, just my two cents.

 

[CatEyes]

Cat, I apologize. I didn't mean to imply that you led him on.

I actually know very little about your situation, and that last post was directed more toward what some of the other posters were saying than to you personally.

In any event, you always have the right to change your mind.

As long as you've been honest with him, you bear no responsibility... at least in a moral sense... as they say, you pays your money, you takes your chances...

But asking him to be friends at this point is prolly asking too much.

It'd be better if he was more mature about it... but you gotta take people for where they're at... not where they oughta be...

Anyway, just my two cents.

Sandia, no need to apologize. I just wanted to clarify. And your two cents were worth much more than that. ;-)

CatEyes

 

[CatEyes]

Oh, I know they love me. They're about as un-religious as you can get. They were raised catholic, and for my very early life, so was I. My parents are..... odd. They dislike politics and politicians, yet they're the most politically conservative people I know. They drive me batshit, frankly. I love 'em, but they're absolutely insane.

For people to come out of the same age group as Hippies, they've sure got a strong belief that the government should make a law against anyhthing they don't agree with.

<shaking my head>

Sometimes they're so cool, like when Dad and I are out golfing and just shooting the shit about life, the universe and everything.... then I hear ignorant bigoted claptrap like that from them.

Batshit, I tell you... They're gonna drive me straight around the bend......

Anyway, sorry to heist the thread......

lol, don't most people's parents drive them crazy? I know mine do. Anytime me and my dad get together it's like world war three cause we just can't agree on anything.

Sometimes you just have to look at life with a sense of humour.


CatEyes