I Value Your Opinion

[Guest]

Thank you so much for your thoughts, Jamison. I guess the idea that his eyes are the mirrors I'm looking into, at my reflection, isn't clear. That's why (as he sees me) is part of the title, for this is what I see him seeing. Any thoughts on how I could present that idea better?

Hmm, well no. I can't think of anything that would make that clear he was looking the mirror other than directly mentioning it (subtley) --maybe something to the effect of his eyes tracking your features? Damn. I don't know, I'm sorry. I'm not much help other than pointing something out. Let me think on it.

 

[champagne1982]

Hey, Champie!

That "Wash my thighs / in midnight" is, like, killer. Makes me want to stay up late.

Oh! I hope you weren't too sleepless .

So, I see you're in the lean and spare poetics camp. Or are you? I like this second version better but, if you were going to amalgamate the two versions, how much would you change?

 

[champagne1982]

Self-Portrait (as he sees me)

I always look ready for bed
my eyes, dilated reflectors
of candlelight, are halfway
shrouded by lids, heavy
with sable lashes.

My hair, set free from pins
and ties, floats in deep
tannin pools around high
cheeks and scalloped ears.

His finger, beneath
the shallow dimple
at the centre of my chin,
lifts my face to better
see the flare of narrow
nostrils as I breathe
his potent fragrance.

Two tiny teeth capture
one corner of a mulberry
lip, sliding silky
fullness between to fall
free and land in pouted
temptation exactly
where my mouth should be.

His kiss whispers perfection
as reflected light gleams
so brightly that my eyes
close in reply.

Self-Portrait (as he sees me)

I always look ready for bed
my eyes, dilated reflectors
of candlelight, are halfway
shrouded by lids, heavy
with sable lashes.

My hair, set free from pins
and ties, floats in deep
tannin pools around high
cheeks and scalloped ears.

Bound to his eyes, I watch
as his finger, beneath
the shallow dimple
at the centre of my chin,
lifts my face to better
see the flare of narrow
nostrils as I breathe
his potent fragrance.

Two tiny teeth capture
one corner of a mulberry
lip, sliding silky
fullness between to fall
free and land in pouted
temptation exactly
where my mouth should be.

His kiss whispers perfection
as reflected light gleams
through his, that my eyes
must close in reply.
___________________________

So, in this edit, for sake of clarity, I've added, rather than trimmed, words. I've changed the last strophe a bit as well. Better? Let me know, please.

 

[wildsweetone]

Carrie, i have a couple of things to note (sorry but i wasn't ready earlier to comment).

version two:

Bound to his eyes, I watch
as his finger, beneath
the shallow dimple
at the centre of my chin,
lifts my face to better
see the flare of narrow
nostrils as I breathe
his potent fragrance.

as 'watch' is the last word of the first line, it has impact.

unfortunately it made me realise that although you are 'bound' to his eyes (i presume you mean your eyes are glued to his), then it would not be possible for your eyes to watch his finger.

maybe something like...
eyes bound to eyes,
my eyes bound to his,
etc.

or a simple rewording - i think you must know what i mean (sorry for the waffling).

and the second thing...

Two tiny teeth capture
one corner of a mulberry
lip, sliding silky
fullness between to fall
free and land in pouted
temptation exactly
where my mouth should be.

i stumble when i read this stanza, on lines three and four. i think you train me in the habit of reading complete thoughts on each line and then in those two lines you mix them a little.

okay, i hope those thoughts are of some use to you.

 

[champagne1982]

as 'watch' is the last word of the first line, it has impact.

unfortunately it made me realise that although you are 'bound' to his eyes (i presume you mean your eyes are glued to his), then it would not be possible for your eyes to watch his finger.

Oh my. I'm going to infer that the illustration is a little clearer in V2 than the original. Let's call this V2.1

Bound to his eyes, I watch
the shadowed pantomime
as his finger, beneath
the shallow dimple
at the centre of my chin,
lifts my face to better
see the flare of narrow
nostrils as I breathe
his potent fragrance.​

 

[Eluard]

Oh my. I'm going to infer that the illustration is a little clearer in V2 than the original. Let's call this V2.1

Bound to his eyes, I watch
the shadowed pantomime
as his finger, beneath
the shallow dimple
at the centre of my chin,
lifts my face to better
see the flare of narrow
nostrils as I breathe
his potent fragrance.​

OK my 2 cents.

I think in this edit the 'as' in the third line now conflicts with, and makes awkward, the 'as' in the second to last line: and for me personally it makes the alliteration of 'narrow nostrils' stand out as difficult — partly because the 'narrow' is already shadowing the 'shallow' on the 4th line. But 'shadowed' and 'shallow' is effective alliteration.

I would edit the end down to:

Bound to his eyes, I watch
the shadowed pantomime
as his finger, beneath
the shallow dimple
at the centre of my chin,
lifts my face to better
see me
breathe his potent
fragrance.​

And I would separate out the last two lines, so that they have more resonance, thus:

Bound to his eyes, I watch
the shadowed pantomime
as his finger, beneath
the shallow dimple
at the centre of my chin,
lifts my face to better
see me

breathe his potent
fragrance.​

 

[champagne1982]

OK my 2 cents.

I think in this edit the 'as' in the third line now conflicts with, and makes awkward, the 'as' in the second to last line: and for me personally it makes the alliteration of 'narrow nostrils' stand out as difficult — partly because the 'narrow' is already shadowing the 'shallow' on the 4th line. But 'shadowed' and 'shallow' is effective alliteration.

I would edit the end down to:

Bound to his eyes, I watch
the shadowed pantomime
as his finger, beneath
the shallow dimple
at the centre of my chin,
lifts my face to better
see me
breathe his potent
fragrance.​

And I would separate out the last two lines, so that they have more resonance, thus:

Bound to his eyes, I watch
the shadowed pantomime
as his finger, beneath
the shallow dimple
at the centre of my chin,
lifts my face to better
see me

breathe his potent
fragrance.​

Thanks so much for your ideas. I know the verses have taken on a ponderous thickness with my quick (too quick?) edit.

I've thought more on it and finally cut and trimmed. I hope the sense of portrait still comes through and that I'm not lost in the depersonalization that follows the editing process.

 

[champagne1982]

Self-Portrait (as he sees me)

I always look ready for bed.
Eyes, dilated reflectors
of candlelight, are halfway
shrouded by lids, heavy
with sable lashes.

Hair, set free from pins
and ties, floats in deep,
tannin pools around high
cheeks and scalloped ears.

Sharp teeth capture a corner
of a mulberry lip, sliding
its silk between them to fall
in pouted temptation, exactly
where my mouth should be.

Bound to his eyes, I watch
the shadowed pantomime
there. His finger, beneath
my chin, lifts my face,
to better see the flare
of scenting breath inhale
his potent fragrance.

His kiss whispers perfection
as mirrored light gleams
through his, that my eyes
must close in reply.

 

[wildsweetone]

much smoother reading Carrie. i love it.