I would like to make my hubby my slave

[s'lara]

Chloe -

i wish you luck on entering a full time slave relationship with your husband should that come to pass. The advice offered by Hecate was sound imo and pretty honest. i hope it has not gone to waste.

Hecate - i'll be looking forward to some fall reading.

lara

 

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

Thanks catalina_francisco - problem is, I'm far too busy, and far too lazy to do that *guilty grin*

originally posted by Hecate

Being Dominant is NOT being lazy - au contrair! It is double work!

Let's hope you read Hecate's incredible post, and re-read it, and then read it again. I'll also welcome you to this Community, and let you know that we have a wonderful Library available for your use, check it out some time. If you have any questions or comments, or are seeking a piece of info, I am the BDSM Librarian, and would be happy to help you, as I would any other member of this community.

However, be advised, I won't do your research for you. If you are truly interested and committed to entering into this lifestyle, then you need to be committed to doing the footwork and making yourself knowledgeable. Let's hope that you don't hurt your future submissive because you forgot to read or learn some important piece of information.

Lastly, coming into our community, and disrespecting a member of this community doesn't say much about you. Most people lurk awhile, get a feel for people, perhaps even run a few searches, find out who people are, what the community is like. They don't troop in, and immediately start in with insults. Why don't you give it another try? You may find that the people that you have insulted might be some of the most knowledgeable people in your quest.

~anelize


edited for spelling

 

[Croctden]

I've been indulging in light bdsm with my husband on and off for a few months. Usually, he's a dominant character, but he seems to love the release of occaisionally submitting to me.

The fantasy I have is to give him this submissive release on a more permanent basis. I've asked him if he'd like to become my slave. Serve me as a full-time Mistress, where I would not be his wife. He laughs this off and yet I crave the need to be worshipped by him, to turn him into a lowly subordinate.

Obviously, I'm new to BDSM - except for avid online discussion and reading articles - but would someone be kind enough to help me in my dream to turn my husband? Is there any way I can slowly turn him over time. There is definitely a submissive side to him that I believe, whether he knows it yet or not, would blossum with training.

Any help would me so much appreciated.

Chloe.

I'm assuming you are familar with the concept of a switch? If he's usually the dominant he might like that. It would probably do you good to ask before you make extreme plans. He may not share your fantasy. He might be laughing you offer off because he knows he does not want it. On the other hand he may, I am obviously hawking from the back barracks.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Lastly, coming into our community, and disrespecting a member of this community doesn't say much about you. Most people lurk awhile, get a feel for people, perhaps even run a few searches, find out who people are, what the community is like. They don't troop in, and immediately start in with insults. Why don't you give it another try? You may find that the people that you have insulted might be some of the most knowledgeable people in your quest.

~anelize

Thanks for the supportive post Anelize, is appreciated...gave me a chance to practice those new skills Master sometimes tries to teach me...LOL.. Gee my tongue is sore this morning...must be all that biting down on it I did!! Oh well, figured this one lacked the purity of some so struggled to give the benefit of the doubt and found Hecate's posting definately reflecting the necessary words I suppressed. Strange how so many see dominance as a means to rest when the reality is opposite.

Catalina

 

[Pure]

HC said,

//Obviously, I'm new to BDSM - except for avid online discussion and reading articles - but would someone be kind enough to help me in my dream to turn my husband? Is there any way I can slowly turn him over time. There is definitely a submissive side to him that I believe, whether he knows it yet or not, would blossum with training.//

It seems to me that might be feasible project, and, I assume, the door is always open. (translation: if he hangs around, that's consent). He's an adult and should be treated like one.

I think Hecate made some good points (it's nice to see her again), esp. about qualities you liked originally and would like. If the former are going to disappear, and new qualities emerge (=slavish devotion) is that what you want? You know the old maxim about life "Careful, You may get what you want."

Also, it's correct that in trying to get X with someone, they just might not ultimately 'fit.' In that case, we can ask, do you keep hubby who turns out not quite to be a sub, or do you drop hubby to find the perfect sub.

That's said, I don't think Hecate's approach is the only one, though it's widespread, and she advocates and explains it *very* well. In other words, and in my opinion, the cosy and egalitarian state she pictures is not the only possible one. My opinion is that there are a number of possible 'end states'--possibly as many as there are partnerships.

In simple terms, if he's to be 'brought out', he needs to sample.
If you're at all on the right track, he will 'enjoy' it in some sense. Possibly including sexual. If you decide he sexual enjoyment is to be part of the future situation you want, then start cultivating it *in the 'scene'/episodes you set up.* Men are, after all, simple creature and if allowed/encouraged to come mightily in a certain type of situation, men are going to be attracted to that situation and want more, unless utterly freaked or grossed out. Assuming his orgasms are allowed occasionally on your terms--no reason why they shouldn't be-- allow him to make them memorable.

So have some trial runs, like a few hours or a day or more. After a bit have trial runs started by you.
"For today this is what's going to happen."

See how it goes.

I don't think the task, in its outlines, is any different from 'making' someone a lover of birdwatching or a formula one racing enthusiast or a classical pianinst.

One further tip, your own satisfaction needs to be thought of and brought into the open. Your *getting off* on what happens in these sample periods should be made obvious, including sexual excitement if there is any. If there is, that's a real incentive to lots of males. In any case, your plainly evident satisfaction is a plus, and will likely cause a partner to want more.

It's worth asking, as other have, what you expect to get out of this, in more detail.

regards,
pure.

 

[FungiUg]

Hecate made some great points. The one that I struck me as particularly relavent is that submission is a gift.

If your husband wants to be your slave, or submissive on a more frequent basis, then he will make that gift to you. He will go out of his way to express that.

Trying to drag submission out of someone... seems to me a recipe for abuse.

Even with your additional explanations, Chloe, I'd suggest you rethink. Either your husband is willing to submit, in which case he will... or he isn't. It's pretty simple. Either way, you can't force his decision.

You can of course talk about it, tempt him, make it seem attractive. But honesty is also important. A gift can still be taken away.

So... thinking and communication required, methinks.

 

[Pure]

Fung said,

//Hecate made some great points. The one that I struck me as particularly relavent is that submission is a gift.

If your husband wants to be your slave, or submissive on a more frequent basis, then he will make that gift to you. He will go out of his way to express that.

Trying to drag submission out of someone... seems to me a recipe for abuse.//

This is kinda paradoxical, I'd say. It amounts to _If you want someone to submit (and get into a submissive pattern and relationship with you), you mustn't dominate* them too much; indeed, at all._

*direct, command, force, manage, control

 

[catalina_francisco]

This is kinda paradoxical, I'd say. It amounts to _If you want someone to submit (and get into a submissive pattern and relationship with you), you mustn't dominate* them too much; indeed, at all._

*direct, command, force, manage, control

What you are failing to differentiate between is abuse and D/s. The two are worlds apart as they should be, and in no way is domination a means to an end through forcing an unwilling partner.

 

[Never]

I don't think that every time a person bends someone else to their desire it's abuse, nor do I think it's D/s all the time. There is a large area that is neither one nor the other.

 

[Pure]

pure said,

//This is kinda paradoxical, I'd say. It amounts to _If you want someone to submit (and get into a submissive pattern and relationship with you), you mustn't dominate* them too much; indeed, at all._

*direct, command, force, manage, control //
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Catalina said,

What you are failing to differentiate between is abuse and D/s.

Quel horreur! I'd forgotten all about abuse.

 

[32199]

i suggest that you look up a site by a women named elise sutton. her site has a lot of helpful hints and suggestions for a couple such as you and your husband.

 

[Ebonyfire]

I don't think that every time a person bends someone else to their desire it's abuse, nor do I think it's D/s all the time. There is a large area that is neither one nor the other.

Yep, I have to agree. There are all those little gray areas.

 

[FungiUg]

I don't think that every time a person bends someone else to their desire it's abuse, nor do I think it's D/s all the time. There is a large area that is neither one nor the other.

Oh, I agree.

On the other hand, there has to be an initial element of "Okay, I want you to do what you want with me." If that initial choice isn't there, then... it's not consensual, and it could get ugly.

Pure, I can "direct, command, force, manage, control" someone as much as I like, provided they want that dominance from me. If they don't want me to dominate them, then it's abuse. So that may seem paradoxical to you, it seems fairly straight forward to me.

So bringing this back to the subject at hand, pushing someone into being a slave is (from my point of view) a no-no. If he makes that decision, and decides it is what he wants, then yeah, she can do what she likes with him. Until then... I recommend hands off, discussion and communication if and until he decides it IS what he wants.

At some point he needs to be able to say "I want to be your slave. It's my own choice, not something I am being forced into."

 

[Pure]

Fung said,

//pushing someone into being a slave is (from my point of view) a no-no. //

you mean it's immoral?

//If he makes that decision, and decides it is what he wants, then yeah, she can do what she likes with him. //

The way I figure it, the door is always open. So... barring shackles or the breaking the author's legs as depicted by King,
if he (or anyone) hangs around, they're consenting to what's going down. Whether it be 'domination' or being covered in cherry syrup and being fucked in the ass with a zucchini.

 

[Netzach]

I could do a lot of shitty things to M before he'd even entertain the notion of leaving me.

However, I find that he's far more enjoyable happy than unhappy.

It's why we tend to get hung up on that direct and mutualistic communication thang as conducive to SM. It keeps people from being stuck in unrewarding situations and it keeps people from having to read friggin minds.

 

[Netzach]

Chloe:

what evidence do you have that he will, with a chance to be less inhibited...make a good slave or a slave at all? What moments, hunches, feelings, innuendoes....are working in your favor?

People often see what they want to see. If you can be honest with yourself and find multiple and consistent pieces of evidence to back up your hunches, I will bet that the same things will also be stellar clues as to what would *turn him on* and work.

 

[Pure]

N:
//we tend to get hung up on that direct and mutualistic communication thang as conducive to SM.//

Hey I think direct and mutualistic (is that a word?) communication helps relationships.

What I've been maintaining, though is 1) You don't need formal and explicit 'consent' for there to be consent.

2) It seems a little paradoxical or inconsistent to be saying 'don't push someone into being a sub.' It seems to amount to 'Don't dominate someone on the road to establishing domination over them.'

I don't see a special problem of 'establishing domination' versus, say becoming a good partnership for ballroom dancing. She says 'let's go to lessons' 'let's practice', etc. The partner may be somewhat uninterested, but the keen one keeps on. The partner gets into it a bit, and enjoys some, but perhaps is really more interested in golfing. She does more and more and wants him involved more and more dancing. She hates golf. She spoils him in other ways, so it'll be worth his while.

The long and the short: he'll become her ballroom dance partner, or, she and he'll split; he'll leave.

 

[FungiUg]

Fung said,

//pushing someone into being a slave is (from my point of view) a no-no. //

you mean it's immoral?

No, I mean it's not something I could contemplate doing. My head's not quite big enough to assume that my morals must apply to everyone. However, I'm pretty sure that the "consensual" in SSC implies many others share that view.

//If he makes that decision, and decides it is what he wants, then yeah, she can do what she likes with him. //

The way I figure it, the door is always open. So... barring shackles or the breaking the author's legs as depicted by King,
if he (or anyone) hangs around, they're consenting to what's going down.

Sort of like passive consent? Well... fine, but sounds risky to me. Personally I don't get off on someone going along with what I want -- I prefer my partners to actively want to be included.

Also, I think a risk would be that they may turn around at some point and say "I never agreed to that -- you abused me." It'd be a hard case to argue, but it'd be a hard case to argue either way.

Me, I'd rather be up-front and hear positive that my prospective partner wants to be included in what I have in mind.

 

[Etoile]

i suggest that you look up a site by a women named elise sutton. her site has a lot of helpful hints and suggestions for a couple such as you and your husband.

Heh. Her most popular article is here, but she's not too well-liked around these parts. I can't find it at the moment, but I know I've participated in a thread that included some harsh words for Ms. Sutton.

 

[Netzach]

Maybe it's paradoxical and ass backwards. I maintain, however that it's damn hard to go through honest, fair and possibly unpleasant dialogue while forcing your agenda onto another person. You're too focused on your agenda, and if you don't listen, *really* to what the other says, or if the other feels intimidated out of saying it, then you don't have any more idea how to operate the toy you mean to play with than when you went in.

Coercive, seductive, unspoken domination...works good in fiction, works good in traditional marriages, I guess, not so good over the long haul in most contemporary relationships. Someone inevitably wakes up to say "I'm bored with having to lead him around by the nuts, I want a real man" or someone wakes up to say "who the fuck is this person I married and what am I doing?" By not checking in and making it terribly dull and talking directly about consent, you don't know enough about what that person *wont* or *doesn't want* to do.

Now, you can certainly inject those elements into it, it's not "real" domination perhaps, in the book of Pure, are they absent. But if you overdo it, you'll be playing alone.

You need a slave who is on the same page as you. Or you need to be willing to get on their page. Usually a combination of both, in reality.

 

[da grunt]

Re: As many answers as there are definitions of "slave" ...

by Hecate ... maybe there were a few lines in it to help you find a way to the next steps on the way to hat you seek.

Hecate

That was one dang astute post!

 

[catalina_francisco]

Heh. Her most popular article is here, but she's not too well-liked around these parts. I can't find it at the moment, but I know I've participated in a thread that included some harsh words for Ms. Sutton.

I would hazard to guess she is not that popular here because she is not reflecting anything but her own agenda which I find a little biased and distorted, not to mention hugely into generalisation with a message of 'don't dispute my words because if you do you are wrong'.....not exactly supportive of the consensual ideal. She seems to me, IMO of course, to have more than a few issues of her own to deal with, and not someone I would recommend anyone trust enough to allow her to dominate them in any form until she had at least dealt with those and displayed a more realistic view of gender differences and humanity. My opinion only, but her attitude does disturb me.

Catalina

 

[D's mariposa]

I've been indulging in light bdsm with my husband on and off for a few months. Usually, he's a dominant character, but he seems to love the release of occaisionally submitting to me.

The fantasy I have is to give him this submissive release on a more permanent basis. I've asked him if he'd like to become my slave. Serve me as a full-time Mistress, where I would not be his wife. He laughs this off and yet I crave the need to be worshipped by him, to turn him into a lowly subordinate.

Obviously, I'm new to BDSM - except for avid online discussion and reading articles - but would someone be kind enough to help me in my dream to turn my husband? Is there any way I can slowly turn him over time. There is definitely a submissive side to him that I believe, whether he knows it yet or not, would blossum with training.

Any help would me so much appreciated.

Chloe.

Hi Chloe, welcome.

Looks like you've gotten some really good advice from people here. I've found the majority of the community to be pretty knowledgable in general. Re forcing your husbands submission.. Please do not take this as a personal attack, because it's not intended that way. I'm just playing devil's advocate here.

Your original post stated that your husband is usually in the Dominant role. Were you the s to his D? If so, what would happen if he decided that you need to be submissive to him all the time. What if he decided that your submissive side would "blossom with training" and decided to "turn" you. Would it work? Why or why not?