If e-boning was not an available option to you would you go outside your marriage to seek satisfaction?

[danbuff]

Edited to include the vocaroo link lol
I am responding with a vacaroo.
It’s a ramble but give it a listen if you want.
https://voca.ro/16b3SMybKazX

Well done

 

[hopeful_wife]

I don't subscribe to that "happily married but sexually unsatisfied" horseshit; if I'm unsatisfied with an aspect of the marriage, then I'm not happily married. Personally, I'd rather be alone than in a half-assed relationship, where one or both of us are miserable because we aren't able to have our needs met.

This is something I'm coming to terms with... And it's difficult to confront a "reality" you've known for years. The good parts might not be enough.

For the record, I also consider "e-boning" to be cheating, so I wouldn't do that either.

I would have said the same before we were married -- even in the first few years. But he's so unwilling to address the issue-- to even talk about it. And I refuse to hurt him by continuing to bring it up, so here I am, tired of suppressing my needs. I see a lot of the playing that happens here as interactive porn. That, to me, is definitely not cheating. When it becomes more than that and there are emotions involved, there's some gray area... right now, I've set the boundary at not crossing the actual, physical affair line.

I like to believe I wouldn't have a physical affair. If I'm being honest though, if some of my friends on here were closer, I'm not sure I wouldn't have by now.

I understand this feeling. That distance helps us make good choices. I hope that if I reach the point where I seriously consider travelling or inviting someone to travel, I'll have the balls to talk to the husband first.

our mismatched libidos (and moreso her lack of caring, really) are causing a huge rift.

The lack of caring... Like, he's sad if I try to talk about it, because he doesn't want to be a letdown, so I don't talk about it, but he also does nothing to change. So to me, it seems he's choosing to continue being a letdown.

Same here except I had the affairs

May I ask how it affects/ affected the marriage?

 

[Bbl87]

I understand this feeling. That distance helps us make good choices. I hope that if I reach the point where I seriously consider travelling or inviting someone to travel, I'll have the balls to talk to the husband first.

The lack of caring... Like, he's sad if I try to talk about it, because he doesn't want to be a letdown, so I don't talk about it, but he also does nothing to change. So to me, it seems he's choosing to continue being a letdown.

Ya. Honestly, if I ever get the the point where I decide to do it, I'm going to talk to her first. Not ad an ultimatum or a making her feel guilty thing, just as a matter of fact, this is where I'm at kind of thing.

And ya, the lack of caring is what gets me. I'm tired of being the only one trying to improve things, because I'm the only one it matters to. Last night I tried to start things but I just couldn't get her I the mood. She apologized, but it kind of comes down to... why am I the one having to do all the work to get her in the mood. I don't mind doing it, but she's not even trying to do anything to help herself. Unless you count drinking wine, which I guess does kind of help but ya. We even schedule sex at her request so she can know, but it doesn't matter since all it does is tell her when to awkwardly wait for me to initiate things.

 

[hopeful_wife]

why am I the one having to do all the work to get her in the mood.

I haven't even tried in years. Hate being pushed away/ feeling guilty.

 

[Bbl87]

I haven't even tried in years. Hate being pushed away/ feeling guilty.

Ya. If I didn't try we'd have sex probably 3 times a year. We plan "date night" every Saturday ostensibly to have regular sex as a middle ground, but in reality she still turns me down or makes herself unavailable about 50% of the time.

 

[hopeful_wife]

I've mentioned it elsewhere before, so I'm sorry if it's repetitive, but I've lost count of how long it's been-- I think we're pushing a decade.

 

[ydahecnot]

I wonder if this thread about e-boning not being an option has led to anyone e-boning

 

[AmberLGreen]

I wonder if this thread about e-boning not being an option has led to anyone e-boning

You mean, like people that were having an affair might have just thought “hey, maybe e-boning could have been an option!”

 

[Azuldrgon]

Thing is there are times e-boning is more like an pain reliever.
It may solve a symptom, but does not fix the problem.

I think that people have their reasons for cheating and no matter what the reason is, they are judged harshly for it.
Even if it's justified.
Even if the partner okays it.
Even if all the conditions are up front.
Sometimes, those on the outside don't understand.

 

[Mtnmike]

I've mentioned it elsewhere before, so I'm sorry if it's repetitive, but I've lost count of how long it's been-- I think we're pushing a decade.

As before, I feel your pain, 14 year's with us and she said it want change.

 

[Tayloroc]

It’s so difficult. None of us wants to be that “jerk.” None of wants to be in this spot. The alternative seems to be a celibate life. That’s doable. Not interesting but doable. I know celibate people with what looks like rich lives.

 

[Britva415]

E-boning isn't even enticing to me. Real-life and in-person is the only kind of infidelity I'd do.

 

[Britva415]

how would masturbation not be an option?

Of course it's an option, but I guess if it were the only option inside of your marriage and you personally wouldn't consider there to be an unmet need, I don't see how to explain it to ya.

 

[Bdm20]

To answer the original question...

I like to believe I wouldn't have a physical affair. If I'm being honest though, if some of my friends on here were closer, I'm not sure I wouldn't have by now. Probably for the best, really.

More likely, without an outlet, I'd probably be much more seriously considering divorce, or may have already by now. We're a good match in most other ways, but our mismatched libidos (and moreso her lack of caring, really) are causing a huge rift.

This is exactly where I’m coming from, and wondering how many others felt the same way was my reason for starting this thread.

 

[Bdm20]

Never. I don't desire or require sex. But even if I did I would never stray. It's just not who I am.

No offense intended, but why would you have sex with someone else if you have no desire for sex? “I would never stray” is also something I thought was a certainty in my life until my wife’s libido droppped to zero and occasional sex became very obviously something which she considers an annoyance.

That stayed, I haven’t strayed physically. I’m not really sure whether time spent here helps to keep me from having an affair, or is a stepping stone towards that end.

 

[Bdm20]

Yes! Words and pictures or just words? I feel like an audio could do it..

Words are good. Pictures are good. Audio is…. incredible.

 

[AmberLGreen]

How many of you would have an open conversation with your partner before even thinking about an affair? Talk about how lack of intimacy or sex makes you feel. See if there is a way to make things better for you both. Marriage is a partnership after all.

I was in a sexless marriage for a long time because I was the one who didn’t want sex. Nothing wrong with my libido, I just didn’t want sex with him. I didn’t stray out of my marriage as I didn’t have time. If the opportunity had presented itself, would I have? I don’t know. I would like to think I wouldn’t. In the beginning, there was still intimacy but every time there was a brief touch or a small kiss, he would think that meant sex was in the offering and I would have to reject him. It is hard to reject somebody. There is guilt and a feeling of self loathing. Eventually the intimacy stopped because it was hard for me to deal with emotionally.

I like to think that if we had talked about, we could have understood how each other was feeling. It would have given us a starting point in how to move forward. I don’t think it would have led to us having a sex life with each other but I do think it would have led to us not being so unhappy for all those years.

 

[Bdm20]

I'm Asexual. And very loyal. So I can say I'd never stray. I know who and what I am.

I understand and commend you for your loyalty. But I am not asexual and before my wife lost her libido, we had a very intense sex life. If I had totally lost interest and pushed her away back then, I would have totally expected that she would not have put up with the total lack of passion and that she would have found it elsewhere.

 

[Bdm20]

How many of you would have an open conversation with your partner before even thinking about an affair? Talk about how lack of intimacy or sex makes you feel. See if there is a way to make things better for you both. Marriage is a partnership after all.

I was in a sexless marriage for a long time because I was the one who didn’t want sex. Nothing wrong with my libido, I just didn’t want sex with him. I didn’t stray out of my marriage as I didn’t have time. If the opportunity had presented itself, would I have? I don’t know. I would like to think I wouldn’t. In the beginning, there was still intimacy but every time there was a brief touch or a small kiss, he would think that meant sex was in the offering and I would have to reject him. It is hard to reject somebody. There is guilt and a feeling of self loathing. Eventually the intimacy stopped because it was hard for me to deal with emotionally.

I like to think that if we had talked about, we could have understood how each other was feeling. It would have given us a starting point in how to move forward. I don’t think it would have led to us having a sex life with each other but I do think it would have led to us not being so unhappy for all those years.

In my case, menopause is the reason for her total loss of libido. We have talked about it, or tried to. Her answer is simply that at her age it just doesn’t matter to her anymore and that if I need more than she can offer that I should go ahead and have sex with someone else, but she doesn’t want to know about it.

 

[EnigmaSquared]

But he's so unwilling to address the issue-- to even talk about it.

I acknowledge that, because I'm not married, I have the luxury of taking a hardline stance on the matter, because it's purely hypothetical to me, but I honestly cannot imagine staying in a relationship where something is clearly broken and the other person is completely unwilling to attempt to fix it, won't even talk about it. I can appreciate not wanting to pain the other party by pushing them to deal with something unpleasant or uncomfortable for them, but a relationship involves two people (unless it's a polyamorous arrangement, but that's a whole other clusterfuck), two sets of feelings, and they both matter. Personally, I refuse to walk on eggshells for the sake of my partner's feelings - when they apparently don't give a shit about mine, if they won't work with me to try and find a way back to happiness - and just accept that that fucked up relationship is simply going to be my life going forward. I'd rather be alone where, sure, I might still be unhappy, sexually unsatisfied, left feeling undesirable and unloved, or whatever the issue was that left me dissatisfied with the relationship, but at least I'd be in a position to freely pursue the possibility of being otherwise.

I'm the Marie Kondo of relationships: if you don't speak to my heart, if you don't spark joy in my life, then I don't fucking need or want you around. Harsh? Maybe. But life is too damn short to waste a minute of it on anyone who emotionally drains you.

 

[hopeful_wife]

I'm the Marie Kondo of relationships: if you don't speak to my heart, if you don't spark joy in my life, then I don't fucking need or want you around. Harsh? Maybe. But life is too damn short to waste a minute of it on anyone who emotionally drains you.

I'm getting there. I've spent a lot of time focusing on the best things, or convincing myself that there is more good than bad. But I'm really reconsidering...

 

[SincereMM]

I've sought it outside my marriage emotionally. There was a time that I met someone in a similar position as many of us here and we were able to confide in one another. It always felt as if we were only a moment away from crossing that line. Maybe it was that feeling of trust and desire that was enough to keep us from doing something regrettable.

Does e-boning keep me from physically cheating? I think it might. Perhaps I can more easily rationalize and justify this behavior which keeps a physical affair at bay.

 

[Photog1rl]

how did you do that - by just talking

I think it was a combination of what was said, how it was said and his kink of being talked about.
Also-sorry for the delayed response. I did not get any notifications on my posts on this thread

 

[Photog1rl]

How many of you would have an open conversation with your partner before even thinking about an affair? Talk about how lack of intimacy or sex makes you feel. See if there is a way to make things better for you both. Marriage is a partnership after all.

I was in a sexless marriage for a long time because I was the one who didn’t want sex. Nothing wrong with my libido, I just didn’t want sex with him. I didn’t stray out of my marriage as I didn’t have time. If the opportunity had presented itself, would I have? I don’t know. I would like to think I wouldn’t. In the beginning, there was still intimacy but every time there was a brief touch or a small kiss, he would think that meant sex was in the offering and I would have to reject him. It is hard to reject somebody. There is guilt and a feeling of self loathing. Eventually the intimacy stopped because it was hard for me to deal with emotionally.

I like to think that if we had talked about, we could have understood how each other was feeling. It would have given us a starting point in how to move forward. I don’t think it would have led to us having a sex life with each other but I do think it would have led to us not being so unhappy for all those years.

I can relate to this so much. I am committed to remaining married but I sometimes wonder at what cost.

 

[AmberLGreen]

I can relate to this so much. I am committed to remaining married but I sometimes wonder at what cost.

Just don’t let it cost you your happiness