I'm feeling very owned

[Curious_in_Cali]

In thoughts of how love plays in, I believe that it is the devotions and intimacy that love sets the stage for that make us vulnerable and not the feelings of love itself. I think what is being expressed here is that the total surrender of oneself can have an exponential effect of vulnerability when coupled with the rawness of a "regular relationship". I am trying to understand that this concept is so implausible for some, as to me, it just makes sense. BDSM adds complexity to these connections where there is a surrender of self involved...how can it not?

That said, I don't find that the voices speaking here from a submissive perspective are being intentionally exclusive about how they experience vulnerabilities in these connections of love and/or devotion. It is just speaking to a certain complex experience that these women are resonating with, and I think that is a valuable and beautifully supportive thing.

 

[JMohegan]

In thoughts of how love plays in, I believe that it is the devotions and intimacy that love sets the stage for that make us vulnerable and not the feelings of love itself. I think what is being expressed here is that the total surrender of oneself can have an exponential effect of vulnerability when coupled with the rawness of a "regular relationship". I am trying to understand that this concept is so implausible for some, as to me, it just makes sense. BDSM adds complexity to these connections where there is a surrender of self involved...how can it not?

That said, I don't find that the voices speaking here from a submissive perspective are being intentionally exclusive about how they experience vulnerabilities in these connections of love and/or devotion. It is just speaking to a certain complex experience that these women are resonating with, and I think that is a valuable and beautifully supportive thing.

I don't find that "the voices speaking here from a submissive perspective" are speaking with one voice.

As for complexities in relationships in general, I will never understand why so many seem to view BDSM as "regular relationship" plus. As if a BDSM relationship is somehow necessarily more, as opposed to just different. The fact is that there are myriad ways in which connections between two people may become complex, and many flavors of vulnerability.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I think what is being expressed here is that the total surrender of oneself can have an exponential effect of vulnerability when coupled with the rawness of a "regular relationship". I am trying to understand that this concept is so implausible for some, as to me, it just makes sense. BDSM adds complexity to these connections where there is a surrender of self involved...how can it not?

yeah... I think that a lot of women expect that it will make their lives simpler. I think a lot of men expect that they will be the boss, and life will be simpler. The roles will be perfectly defined, from the outside, and the rules too.

And I think people unwittingly add another measure of complexity and insecurity to their lives instead. Women who have placed all their faith in someone who isn't really so faithworthy, men who suddenly find out that being a Dom means a lot more emotional investment than they were ever willing to make.

Now in MY opinion, the only way to make a D/s relationship work is to be blisteringly honest with yourself about what you want. And that's pretty fucking hard to do. People think that D/s will reveal to them the things they want, so they won't have to answer the questions for themselves.

 

[graceanne]

Now in MY opinion, the only way to make a D/s relationship work is to be blisteringly honest with yourself about what you want. And that's pretty fucking hard to do. People think that D/s will reveal to them the things they want, so they won't have to answer the questions for themselves.

QFT..

 

[KoPilot]

Now in MY opinion, the only way to make a D/s relationship work is to be blisteringly honest with yourself about what you want. And that's pretty fucking hard to do. People think that D/s will reveal to them the things they want, so they won't have to answer the questions for themselves.

Yep!

I've flat out said "Guhh I don't want to make decisions/own my feelings/take responsibility for my thoughts and actions. YOU do it." Then we both have a laugh (or sometimes a cry) and move on.

He's dated a number of rotten eggs before me, and I'm having to show him how to best handle me when I'm at my worst; that his old fallback of steering clear and giving me "room" doesn't work so well with this one. I don't have any other relationships to compare this to, but to me the only difference between this and any other is that I have at my disposal a different vocabulary to more accurately express what I need.

 

[Kajira Callista]

There you go. Thank you, KC.

Call this a lustful obsession, an adrenaline high, heady infatuation, love, or the abiding bond of a soul mate - depending on the stage and circumstances of the connection. Fine.

But don't call this a sub thing or an "owned" thing or a "slave" thing. It's a human thing.

And that is what has been missing from any relationship I have attempted to have for a very long time. Sub, owned, or slave doesnt mean void of emotion and many who say they are into D/s think it does. Feeling sad or missing them when they arent around is not because I am not capable of standing on my own...it is because I am truly ME when they are around and it feels good to be safe and happy being me.

 

[intothewoods]

And that is what has been missing from any relationship I have attempted to have for a very long time. Sub, owned, or slave doesnt mean void of emotion and many who say they are into D/s think it does. Feeling sad or missing them when they arent around is not because I am not capable of standing on my own...it is because I am truly ME when they are around and it feels good to be safe and happy being me.

What JM is saying is that none of what you're describing is particular to D/s.

Some of what has been described in the last couple of pages seems more, uh, emotionally problematic (e.g., not sustainable, maybe not healthy, yada yada) than other states mentioned. Missing your partners when you're not with them, for example, seems pretty normal, particularly for a new relationship. But anyway, unhealthy or healthy, doesn't matter -- it's all not BDSM specific.

ETA - and who said BDSM meant void of emotion?

 

[Kajira Callista]

What JM is saying is that none of what you're describing is particular to D/s.

Some of what has been described in the last couple of pages seems more, uh, emotionally problematic (e.g., not sustainable, maybe not healthy, yada yada) than other states mentioned. Missing your partners when you're not with them, for example, seems pretty normal, particularly for a new relationship. But anyway, unhealthy or healthy, doesn't matter -- it's all not BDSM specific.

ETA - and who said BDSM meant void of emotion?

I did.many people I have met think that submissive types should not have emotion. I also was agreeing with MrM's post and adding more of my own thoughts to it.

I also did just type out a whole page of stuff that made lots of sense and was real deep....then accidently closed the window *sigh* and I'm too sick to retype or remember the whole thing

 

[switchbitch]

yeah... I think that a lot of women expect that it will make their lives simpler. I think a lot of men expect that they will be the boss, and life will be simpler. The roles will be perfectly defined, from the outside, and the rules too.

And I think people unwittingly add another measure of complexity and insecurity to their lives instead. Women who have placed all their faith in someone who isn't really so faithworthy, men who suddenly find out that being a Dom means a lot more emotional investment than they were ever willing to make.

Now in MY opinion, the only way to make a D/s relationship work is to be blisteringly honest with yourself about what you want. And that's pretty fucking hard to do. People think that D/s will reveal to them the things they want, so they won't have to answer the questions for themselves.

blisteringly honest is the ONLY way. There is no trust without honesty and it has to go both ways no matter how difficult it is. But if you can get over that difficulty an honest D/s relationship can be the most wonderful thing that ever happens. But it is hardly simple.in my case it is perhaps even more complex as I have both D/s and s/D relationships. But I wouldn't be without them for anything.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

I don't find that "the voices speaking here from a submissive perspective" are speaking with one voice.

As for complexities in relationships in general, I will never understand why so many seem to view BDSM as "regular relationship" plus. As if a BDSM relationship is somehow necessarily more, as opposed to just different. The fact is that there are myriad ways in which connections between two people may become complex, and many flavors of vulnerability.

It was not my intent to imply that there is only once voice at all. A better way for me to say it might have been something like... the voices speaking here on their resonating perspectives of submission and vulnerability. Does that help?

I also didn't mean to imply that BDSM wasn't a "regular" relationship in and of itself, I just had no better way to carve out what I was trying to say for the sake of my post. I respect that all relationships are as unique as people themselves, but that there are some patterns that exist that provide platforms for intriguing discussions of shared experiences.

As with all sorts of relationships, long term PYL/pyl connections of devotion can include love and sometimes they do not. I know that in considering this though, that for me personally, someone holding my heart and my will would have me feeling more vulnerable than someone who only had either my will OR my heart. I think it is this point that stirs my deep empathy for posters who are straining to find ease in their situations.

That said, I want to be clear that I don't think that vulnerability is a bad thing thing at all, but for some it is a huge hurdle. In my opinion, vulnerability breeds intimacy and together they are a huge part of what drives us to seek these deeper connections, and what makes them worthwhile.

I think that most would agree though, that given how difficult it can be that finding someone that really fits, especially as complex as it can be, is definitely a "plus".

yeah... I think that a lot of women expect that it will make their lives simpler. I think a lot of men expect that they will be the boss, and life will be simpler. The roles will be perfectly defined, from the outside, and the rules too.

And I think people unwittingly add another measure of complexity and insecurity to their lives instead. Women who have placed all their faith in someone who isn't really so faithworthy, men who suddenly find out that being a Dom means a lot more emotional investment than they were ever willing to make.

Now in MY opinion, the only way to make a D/s relationship work is to be blisteringly honest with yourself about what you want. And that's pretty fucking hard to do. People think that D/s will reveal to them the things they want, so they won't have to answer the questions for themselves.

Wouldn't it be easier if we came with a manual that we could just read and then operate in complete nonjudgmental understanding of self? Maybe easier, but then again the discovery can sometimes be a very fun process too, so I don't know that I would want to give that up.

I wholeheartedly agree that being honest with yourself is key to being able to be honest with others, but discovering your truth can sometimes be tricky. For some, it can take trying out different things until you find something that works for you. It is sad, but the reality is that some people have a lot of untangling of a childhood or past they have to strip away to get back to their true framework before they can begin to figure out what they want. For some BDSM may be the only stage they are willing to honestly explore themselves on. I see no problem with that, but it does make the "who" they explore with much more critical decisions. Fallout from a bad choice can be brutal, but something is always learned...even if it is that the last PYL a pyl played with was just a terd.

You are probably right that people make mistakes assuming reality will be able to hold a candle to the fantasies that compelled them to BDSM or all sorts of kinks... or have unrealistic expectations of what the outcome may be... But in all reality, how do you really know what it will be like for YOU until YOU do it. When we learn to walk, we fall down a lot until we figure out balance. I don't think relationships are all that different than any other skill set we learn. This being human stuff can be quite messy, can't it?

 

[Stella_Omega]

This being human stuff... Messy is the word!

 

[switchbitch]

It was not my intent to imply that there is only once voice at all. A better way for me to say it might have been something like... the voices speaking here on their resonating perspectives of submission and vulnerability. Does that help?

I also didn't mean to imply that BDSM wasn't a "regular" relationship in and of itself, I just had no better way to carve out what I was trying to say for the sake of my post. I respect that all relationships are as unique as people themselves, but that there are some patterns that exist that provide platforms for intriguing discussions of shared experiences.

As with all sorts of relationships, long term PYL/pyl connections of devotion can include love and sometimes they do not. I know that in considering this though, that for me personally, someone holding my heart and my will would have me feeling more vulnerable than someone who only had either my will OR my heart. I think it is this point that stirs my deep empathy for posters who are straining to find ease in their situations.

That said, I want to be clear that I don't think that vulnerability is a bad thing thing at all, but for some it is a huge hurdle. In my opinion, vulnerability breeds intimacy and together they are a huge part of what drives us to seek these deeper connections, and what makes them worthwhile.

I think that most would agree though, that given how difficult it can be that finding someone that really fits, especially as complex as it can be, is definitely a "plus".



Wouldn't it be easier if we came with a manual that we could just read and then operate in complete nonjudgmental understanding of self? Maybe easier, but then again the discovery can sometimes be a very fun process too, so I don't know that I would want to give that up.

I wholeheartedly agree that being honest with yourself is key to being able to be honest with others, but discovering your truth can sometimes be tricky. For some, it can take trying out different things until you find something that works for you. It is sad, but the reality is that some people have a lot of untangling of a childhood or past they have to strip away to get back to their true framework before they can begin to figure out what they want. For some BDSM may be the only stage they are willing to honestly explore themselves on. I see no problem with that, but it does make the "who" they explore with much more critical decisions. Fallout from a bad choice can be brutal, but something is always learned...even if it is that the last PYL a pyl played with was just a terd.

You are probably right that people make mistakes assuming reality will be able to hold a candle to the fantasies that compelled them to BDSM or all sorts of kinks... or have unrealistic expectations of what the outcome may be... But in all reality, how do you really know what it will be like for YOU until YOU do it. When we learn to walk, we fall down a lot until we figure out balance. I don't think relationships are all that different than any other skill set we learn. This being human stuff can be quite messy, can't it?

This being human stuff... Messy is the word!

Messy it is, but life just like a grandmother's trinket box it sure can sparkle and make you want to poke through the dross looking for treasure.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

Messy it is, but life just like a grandmother's trinket box it sure can sparkle and make you want to poke through the dross looking for treasure.

Yes. I love this thought. I think everything about the box and its contents is intricately beautiful.

 

[switchbitch]

Yes. I love this thought. I think everything about the box and its contents is intricately beautiful.

it is that!

 

[darlynd]

I don't feel afraid and I trust both of them with all of me. They will never ever hurt me in bad ways and I feel a bit guilty that I didnt know this all along.

I am not sure that there is a reason to feel guilty, while I understand why you do.

It takes time to build that kind of trust in a relationship. If one were to immediately give full trust to the first Dom/Daddy that approached, there would/could be much more abuse in this world.

Take solace that you have found your peace and don't look back. The fear, shame, guilt and condemnation that we put on ourselves is soul-stealing and not conducive to a productive self.

 

[Kajira Callista]

Things are moving forward again. My relationships with the daddies are becoming A relationship.
Relationship seems to be the key this time. There is so much more then a M/s or DD/lil thing happening with us.
There is love and caring and concern for each other...respect and friendship...and healing.
They will never ever hurt me in bad ways and they will never ever let any one else do that to me again. It is making me feel like a stronger more productive person all around and they both like seeing it as much as I do.
I am so happy that I get to be theirs

 

[switchbitch]

Things are moving forward again. My relationships with the daddies are becoming A relationship.
Relationship seems to be the key this time. There is so much more then a M/s or DD/lil thing happening with us.
There is love and caring and concern for each other...respect and friendship...and healing.
They will never ever hurt me in bad ways and they will never ever let any one else do that to me again. It is making me feel like a stronger more productive person all around and they both like seeing it as much as I do.
I am so happy that I get to be theirs

sending you a virtual hug, I'm happy for you

 

[CinT]

In thoughts of how love plays in, I believe that it is the devotions and intimacy that love sets the stage for that make us vulnerable and not the feelings of love itself. I think what is being expressed here is that the total surrender of oneself can have an exponential effect of vulnerability when coupled with the rawness of a "regular relationship".

That? Exactly.

Thank you.