Important things learned

[MissTaken]

DR,

It is difficult for you. Many hugs,

Sometimes, I think our emotions cloud our vision and we may agree to things we wouldn't normally or minimize the obstacles in the beginning of new love. I know you care for him, but I also know you to be a woman of strong principle. I don't envy you the decisions to be made, but am here if you want to talk.

You are a special lady and deserve every happiness. You may decide that as much as you care for this man, he isn't the one who can provide that happiness. In that case, I have faith you will find what you need, someday, somehow.

Your dilemma does bring to mind something I have learned and continue to learn. Until recently, I didn't take a proactive role in my own happiness. I was very accepting and tolerant regardless of where it left me. (No, not a martyr, a dumbass! )

What I have learned is I do have a right to expect things from my partner, do have needs that must be voiced and met, and I am learning how to voice my opinion, my needs, my desires and expect that they be filled.

I don't mean this in the context of being a spoiled brat. What I mean to say, I am learning not to settle for less than I want or deserve.

hugs to you DR

 

[Ebonyfire]

To Me, that is one of the things that must be discussed at the begining of a relationship. Part of limits and expections

I am in full agreement with you here. I know who I am, and what I want, and what I do not want. So, at the beginning of any relationship, my potential partner and/or sub talk about what is important to us both in this relationship. I do this in D/s and in vanilla relationships.

If we do not agree to terms, we go our separate ways. It is better to do without than to agonize or suffer over a situation that is untenable.

To me, there are worse things than being alone.

 

[zipman]

Rose,

As you have received such great advice here, I am going to share my greatest learning over the last year. It's funny how something that can be one person's greatest learning can be anothers obvious fact, but here goes.

My greatest learning was that I have to make BDSM right for me, and nobody else. When I first started posting here, I think I knew this on one level, yet a part of me felt as if I weren't "as committed to the lifestyle" as I should be on another level.

When I recently started dating my gf, I was happy to have fallen in love. When I introduced BDSM into our relationship, and she loved it, I was thrilled to death.

My desire for control is and has always been extremely sexual in nature. I want a full and collaborative partnership with my gf, and yet I also want a completely sexual submissive in the bedroom. Reconciling these two things has been a bit challenging.

Now, it just feels so right that I have no doubts. That is a great feeling.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Now, it just feels so right that I have no doubts. That is a great feeling.

I think you have hit the nail on the head. You and your gf have hit upon a relationship that works for the both of you.
And it feels right.

I think Dixi and her husband have done the same thing. And they even found a way to grow and change as needs changed.

I think that success depends on our ability to recognize and grow as our needs demand.

 

[lark sparrow]

Your dilemma does bring to mind something I have learned and continue to learn. Until recently, I didn't take a proactive role in my own happiness. I was very accepting and tolerant regardless of where it left me. (No, not a martyr, a dumbass! )

What I have learned is I do have a right to expect things from my partner, do have needs that must be voiced and met, and I am learning how to voice my opinion, my needs, my desires and expect that they be filled.

I don't mean this in the context of being a spoiled brat. What I mean to say, I am learning not to settle for less than I want or deserve.

hugs to you DR

This is a good point! We all have different things to work on.

Being pretty self-possessed, aware of my own wants/needs, and in control leads me to a place where a bit more surrender to and faith in my Dominant partner is important. Being stretched a bit from my rigidity of knowing myself and my needs is a newer, better lesson for me. But it is in coming from an entirely different perspective originally. How deeply I need the surrender that I also feared/avoided in ways was an area in myself where She was far ahead of the game and often knew better than I did first. lol Telling Her what I want and think in great detail is no problem

As far as entering poly relationships, one can agree to it in the beginning (and of course it should be out and agreed upon mutually) but that doesn't necessarily ensure immediate or even eventual satisfaction. Sometimes one has to experience it and make new decisions based on actually being in the midst of it.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Rose,

My desire for control is and has always been extremely sexual in nature. I want a full and collaborative partnership with my gf, and yet I also want a completely sexual submissive in the bedroom. Reconciling these two things has been a bit challenging.

Now, it just feels so right that I have no doubts. That is a great feeling.

I fit this profile Zipman. If things don't work out with your current love.... LOL

 

[A Desert Rose]

DR,

Sometimes, I think our emotions cloud our vision and we may agree to things we wouldn't normally or minimize the obstacles in the beginning of new love. I know you care for him, but I also know you to be a woman of strong principle. I don't envy you the decisions to be made, but am here if you want to talk.

You are a special lady and deserve every happiness. You may decide that as much as you care for this man, he isn't the one who can provide that happiness. In that case, I have faith you will find what you need, someday, somehow.

Your dilemma does bring to mind something I have learned and continue to learn. Until recently, I didn't take a proactive role in my own happiness. I was very accepting and tolerant regardless of where it left me. (No, not a martyr, a dumbass! )

What I have learned is I do have a right to expect things from my partner, do have needs that must be voiced and met, and I am learning how to voice my opinion, my needs, my desires and expect that they be filled.

I don't mean this in the context of being a spoiled brat. What I mean to say, I am learning not to settle for less than I want or deserve.

hugs to you DR

You have me pegged in several ways, MissyT. And I am indeed a spoiled brat... LOL

I know that I should not settle for less. I know that he's likely not be able to give me what I need and deserve.

Everything you say makes sense... and yet you know what my heart says, right? I know you do. ;-)

 

[A Desert Rose]

To me, there are worse things than being alone.

This is so true and I do know it. I have been alone before, and no one dies from being alone or from a broken heart. I don't want to be there again, though.

And the thought of finding another who fits so well... I am not sure I want to go through that again and I am not sure I will ever be able to find another who fits like he and I do.

 

[MissTaken]

You have me pegged in several ways, MissyT. And I am indeed a spoiled brat... LOL

I know that I should not settle for less. I know that he's likely not be able to give me what I need and deserve.

Everything you say makes sense... and yet you know what my heart says, right? I know you do. ;-)

When your head and your heart don't agree, you know you are in a spot!

*hugs*

 

[Angelofsex]

One smart man once told me, one on one he always feels that is the way to be in a D/s relationship. Some Dom's like to have more then one, but that is up to them........He said sharing is very hard, but if a sub wants to be with his/her Dom they will have to adjust.

I myself don't like to share but, I am trying to push past that. If he is good to me that is what counts. Trust and honesty is very important to me, he is up front with me I feel so much better.

Sometimes if someone else comes in the relationship, I feel I will lose him. Maybe I get the feeling I am not a good sub, that is why he would like to have another one too. But sometimes the mind plays tricks on us.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Maybe I get the feeling I am not a good sub, that is why he would like to have another one too. But sometimes the mind plays tricks on us.

Angel,

I think that what you say is very true. I have found that many subs (male or female) feel that if they are "real" enough their Dom will not need anyone else.

However, that is vanilla thinking. It all depends on the primary dynamics of the relationship. If the primary relationship is D/s, then the concept of monogamy may not be applicable.

It is not a matter of need, but of power and control. If a dominant can control more than one sub, and he or she desires to do so, then it will happen.

It is up to the sub to decide if they are able to get past the assumption that their relationship with their Dom is just like any other conventional relationship, one + one = two (a couple).

Eb

 

[A Desert Rose]

Sometimes if someone else comes in the relationship, I feel I will lose him. Maybe I get the feeling I am not a good sub, that is why he would like to have another one too. But sometimes the mind plays tricks on us.

I feel like this, too. And then conversely, I ask myself why on earth would he want someone else, when he has me? It's like a tug of war in my head and heart.

 

[Ebonyfire]

I have emptied that pesky devil rose!
I have no idea how that happens so fast!

Everyone is glad you are back, so are bound to PM you constantly!

 

[Angelofsex]

I feel like this, too. And then conversely, I ask myself why on earth would he want someone else, when he has me? It's like a tug of war in my head and heart.

Yes DR it is a tug with the heart and mind..........I let someone go a long time ago, because I was to nervous with everything......now I am learning to adjust with everything and it is hard to do........but I wish not to lose someone else.........plus we are up front with everything.

EB thank you, you made alot of sense. That is why I love coming here, I do learn and understand more things.

 

[MissTaken]

Update

Yesterday I posted about how I am learning to communicate my needs adn that I have a right to what I truly want and desire.

Well, the lesson has been implemented.

I found, last night, the words to convey what I was feeling and thinking and while there were some tense moments for us, life is good.

Sometimes, those sorts of conversations help us to really evaluate ourselves as individuals and ourselves as a partner.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Update

Yesterday I posted about how I am learning to communicate my needs adn that I have a right to what I truly want and desire.

Well, the lesson has been implemented.

I found, last night, the words to convey what I was feeling and thinking and while there were some tense moments for us, life is good.

Sometimes, those sorts of conversations help us to really evaluate ourselves as individuals and ourselves as a partner.

Oy yes, I totally agree! Sometimes we just need help to think things out.

I am happy that things are going well with you MissT.

 

[curious2c]

He should appreciate what he has before he loses all.

 

[yuppietowngirl]

That one's words are not necessarily the truth.

This is what I have learnt also.

I have also learnt that a gut feeling is usually right.

I have learned that some people will do and say anything to get their way. No matter if it destroys you or others around you emotionally and mentally.

There is more that I have learned...and most of it has been in this past painful year.

 

[A Desert Rose]

He should appreciate what he has before he loses all.

What a lovely thing to say. Thank you.

 

[A Desert Rose]

I have found that some people take things written here too seriously

and

some people here take serious things, too lightly.

 

[Desdemona]

Rose, I've been away attending to some family matters so I am late to this conversation. I have learned some new things that I would like to share.

Until lately, I thought that I would never be able to adjust to sharing a Dom. Somewhat unexpectedly, I find myself in a poly relationship. Yes, some days, I do feel the stirrings of jealousy that sneak in and cause me discomfort. On those days I struggle with my feelings about this relationship and about Him. I have also learned that talking it out with Him is very helpful (He always seems to know when I'm having a tough time and doesn't allow me to avoid the discussion).

I am learning to share this man who was first and foremost someone I considered my friend for many months and only lately has become much more to me. I have developed a good friendship with one of the two other subs and am hoping to do the same with the remaining woman.

I have learned that this man has so very much love to give and that He can cherish each of us for our differences as well as our similarities. The love He has for the others does not diminish His feelings for me. He has been open with me from the beginning about the others. There has never been any secret about what He offers or about what He expects in return.

Some of you have mentioned that you feel you must be the alpha sub. At this point, we don't know if there will be an alpha among us (yes, I know this is unusual, but we are figuring out what will work for us). For now, we seem to be on pretty equal footing. Time will tell and I am content to wait and see. As long as we are happy together, I'm not sure it makes any difference.

He is not what I was looking for, yet I am so very fortunate to have been found by Him. He is teaching me new things about myself. I agree, you must be true to yourself, but if you are open to new possibilities, you may be surprised. I certainly have been. Although it is hard sometimes, I see this as an adventure and would not miss the journey for anything.

 

[curious2c]

I have found that some people take things written here too seriously

and

some people here take serious things, too lightly.

It can be hard to realize what is needed to be serious and what can be taken lightly. Sometimes lightness can change ones attitude, and sometimes it doesn't. I guess one has to take some good with the bad.

 

[lark sparrow]

Being too light, or too heavy is also rather subjective, is it not?

 

[A Desert Rose]

I could site examples to my statement and I am sure you would all understand what I am saying. But I won't do that because it does nothing but continue some stupid things that have since died and should remain dead.

One example I will site is this one: If someone calls me an old, fat slut I don't take offense. The person calling me that is no one of import to me. But I see others who are called names or insulted, who become very wounded by it. That is what I meant by taking some things too seriously. The person doing the insulting will not be at my next company picnic, so what do I care what he thinks of me?

 

[Desdemona]

Rose, you sound quite serene today.