is it rape?

[Patryn]

I didn't SAY that you were lying, flowerpetal...I said IF. Anyone can lie...this is the internet after all. I do believe what you say, but it seems hard to help you since you keep making excuses. I KNOW how hard it is to get out of any abusive relationship, but once you realize something is wrong, you need to at least consider the advice given to you.

I hope you're ready to do that now, and that the 800 number you call can lead to someone that can help you. Best of luck with everything, if you need to talk, why don't you e-mail me?

I apogize if I hurt your feelings, but it IS difficult to offer advice when it sounded like you weren't going to take the advice you asked for. I realize you're hurting...I wouldn't intentionally hurt anyone who was already down.

{{{{hugs}}}}

 

[flowerpetal]

thank you for all the responses... I certainly didn't mean to offend anyone.

just a quick follow up... it's almost funny.... in a pathetic sort of way.

there was no 800 number so i called a talkline and they referred me somewhere and then they referred me somewhere else and finally i was referred to a hotline, where a machine answered and said something along the lines of "no one is available to take your call right now so please leave your name and your number and someone will call you back"

HELLO? is it just me or is that the stupidest hotline ever? who goes through something this embarrassing and then freely gives out their name and number, broadcasting the issue before even talking to anyone about it?!
needless to say i did NOT leave my number!
so frusturating.

oh, and april, i am sorry if i led you to believe this somewhere, but i don't work in this field... again, sorry to have mis-guided anything about myself.

thank you everyone.

 

[Sinsual]

To those that doubt flowerpetal is telling the truth:

Like I said early on this thread, I have been there. Its easy to tell someone to get out and get help. Breaking up a marriage and a relationship is not always that easy. There are always lots of lives affected. Emotional abuse, and yes flowerpetal he is emotionally abusing you as well as physically, is one of the toughest things to escape. If you have never been in a relationship like that it is hard to understand. The abuser has a way of convincing the other person that they are in the wrong. That they are not as good a person as they should be. That they have to do more to be what HE wants. Its a mind game. The threat of suicide if you leave him Flower, thats all part of the abuse. He is using anything he can just to make you stay and he wants it his way. You have to have faith in yourself huney. You have to love yourself enough to know what is happening here. It is hard for some people to understand. It sounds so much like my marriage it is scary. I always hoped no other wife every felt that way. Warm hugs to you and please huney, find that strength. The longer you wait, the tougher it gets..

 

[April]

Sorry. My mistake. I went back to the first page to reread flowerpetal's posts, and I goofed. Sorry.

 

[Guest]

Please FlowerPetal!

As someone who knows believes what you are saying and is trapped in a similar situation of her own, PLEASE get out. Or get help or something!

I think you mentioned that you have a son? If you do, think about him. Do you want him to grow up hearing these kinds of things taking place between his parents? Do you want him to grow up thinking that this kind of behaviour is acceptable and do it to someone else? Do you want him to grow up and rather than proceed with his own life stay around to protect you? Please think about these things.

My own story:
My father is an alcoholic asshole. He also used to (not sure if this is still taking place) rape my mother and in fact, my brother was conceived during one of these episodes. (A fact I overheard during one of their arguments.) I'm not sure if my brother knows this or not, but I can't imagine how it must make him feel if he does know this.

When I was growing up I was compelled to listen to every argument that took place between my parents because I felt that I was the only one who would be able to stop my father from beating on my mother if things got too intense. I used to listen with my ear pressed to my closed bedroom door. When I could hear things getting too violent, I'd storm out and scream at my father at the top of my lungs how much I hated him, etc, etc. I have never had to resort to violence against him but I know if it came down to it, I would and could kill the man.

I remember begging my mother to leave him but she never had the courage. She was always afraid that we wouldn't be able to survive as a single mother with three children. She also used to say that he wasn't as bad as I perceived him to be.

My father has had some health problems in recent years and so now, she won't leave him because she feels that if she left it would kill him and that she wouldn't be able to live with herself and her guilt. And consequently, I feel that I cannot leave because like her, if my father did anything to my mother, the guilt would kill me. So, it's all a vicious chain with an asshole who doesn't deserve the damm effort. *sigh* And all of us are just waiting, and wishing, for him to die so that we can get on with our lives. Unfortunately, the bastard will probably outlive us all.

And for those of you who don't believe that my story is true, you can kiss my ass! Like you, flowerpetal, I am posting under a fake identity because generally, I prefer much better to be viewed as a normal individual. *shrug* I wish you luck, but most of all courage and strength to face this battle. Please don't turn out like my mother, trapped in a life not worthy of her. And don't let your children turn out like me, trapped because they feel they must defend you. Because it really is sad. :~(

 

[Melody_lane]

he is a good husband and he loves me

besides, often enough i can push him away if i fight him and am really determined.

Whoa...Monday Night Movie flashbacks!

Scary!

 

[Gingersnap]

Flower Petal I want to commend you on having the courage to ask this very hard question. It is the first step towards a life affirming choice. I have read each of the responses here and see only love and concern in their replies. I am glad to hear you are ready to call for help. I have a friend who is emerging from a similar situation. Chances are that things have gotten worse then you are letting us know. I bet that the behavior you are fearful of is not obsessive but rather controlling. I offer you my hand and say to you that you are not alone. I pray that you find your way.

 

[Guest]

Flowerpetal - I'm so sorry that your first attempt to seek help came to a dead-end. Please don't let this stop you now, though. By taking action you've shown that you have strength and that you're ready to start making changes for the better in your life.

Many of the abused women I worked with didn't think they would ever feel good about themselves. They didn't think they could ever improve their lives. Many of them felt so low and so lacking in self-confidence that they didn't think they even deserved to have a better life. But over and over they discovered with time that they could make things better for themselves. They could start to feel good again - even learn to love themselves. All it took was self-belief and the strength to make serious changes in their lives. I know you can be happy again, Flowerpetal. I've seen it so many times before. This is why it can sometimes help to talk to other women who are going through similar things or who have been there before and managed to move on. It helps you to realise that you're not alone and that things can get so much better if you allow them to.

You've already made it through one of the hardest hurdles - admitting to yourself that there are serious problems in your relationship and reaching out for help, as you've done by starting this thread and with your recent 'phone call.

I really hope things work out for you, Flowerpetal - whether that's by getting help to convince your husband he needs to seriously change his behaviour and attitude towards you or by building up enough self-confidence to leave.