Is it valid to look for a D/s partner without being able to offer sex?

[A Desert Rose]

Sigh....if you'd had others constatly bash your D/s tendencies AND "religious" views bashed over and over, you might think differently. I've never actually had either of those opinions validated by anyone, so excuse me if I'd like that for once in my life.

Bowing out now. Maybe one day I'll actually find like-minded people.

Okay, you bow out. So long. But I can still post to anyone else who cares to read.

When someone posts "that others constatly bash your D/s tendencies AND "religious" views bashed over and over" and knows nothing about me, I have to laugh. My religious views have been discussed on this board and sometimes in ways that I have found very offensive. I'm Catholic and I'm pretty hardcore about my religion. There aren't many people on this board who know that. I keep that part of my life, to myself. I don't post about it nor do I post anything about other people's faith.

Furthermore, I don't ask anyone here to accept my faith, understand it or agree with it. It's my personal business. As it is to you, who has bowed out.

When you become public on a porn board, as you have since you've posted, you accept that some people will not understand, accept or agree with your views. And on the other hand, many people will.

I have to say, that I've not seen anyone "bash" your views. They have however, posted their own and unfortunately, those do not seem to please.

It can be a harsh world out there... you need to realize that. Or be unhappy. It's your choice for your life to make.

 

[AndrewBarbaross]

I can't see any problem with doing as you suggest so long as you tell people your situation.

Andrew

 

[Velvet Bubbles]

I might not be the greatest writer in the world, but it sure wasn't my intent to bash anyone. I was just stating what had happened to me. My religion is VERY strict. And, while I believe in it, it doesn't mean that I don't constantly struggle with it. Especially since I enjoy being submissive to my Master. I'd probably be excommunicated for the stuff I've chosen to do.

Not only has my religion been "bashed" by people my entire life, now my lifestyle is too. My only intent on posting in here was to point out that I've been in what seems to be a very similar position - in the hopes that it might help you if you wanted to talk. I don't have the patience for this nonsense.

<snip>

 

[Ice2000]

I might not be the greatest writer in the world, but it sure wasn't my intent to bash anyone. I was just stating what had happened to me. My religion is VERY strict. And, while I believe in it, it doesn't mean that I don't constantly struggle with it. Especially since I enjoy being submissive to my Master. I'd probably be excommunicated for the stuff I've chosen to do.

Not only has my religion been "bashed" by people my entire life, now my lifestyle is too. My only intent on posting in here was to point out that I've been in what seems to be a very similar position - in the hopes that it might help you if you wanted to talk. I don't have the patience for this nonsense.

So I'm unsubscribing to this thread before I say something rude.

And let me take this opportunity to say..

bash my lifestyle all you want I don't give a rats ass...lol

Be cool bubbles... don't let em get to ya...

 

[LadyAria]

Yes, I have had and still maintain D/s and S&M relationship that have no traditional sex (penetration/oral/anal sex). My personal preferences are denial, humiliation, worship, behavior modification and pain exchange/punishment.

There are people out there seeking light or no sex relationships. Though, in my experience, they are F/m & F/f relationships.

 

[CutieMouse]

Sigh....if you'd had others constatly bash your D/s tendencies AND "religious" views bashed over and over, you might think differently. I've never actually had either of those opinions validated by anyone, so excuse me if I'd like that for once in my life.

Bowing out now. Maybe one day I'll actually find like-minded people.

Wow. .

 

[Scarlet_Lady]

I left this thread last night with a good feeling about it ... seeing 30 posts on it today should have made me at least suspecious of trouble.

April: I don't know if you are still reading along but I wanted to say that I am sorry you feel the way you have described. I like to believe that people came on here with good intentions, offering their personal opinion and experiences, which still requires a baring their soul in a way, even if this happens anonymously. I hope that you will consider giving things and emotion time to cool of and at least think about coming back sometime. Until then I would like to wish you the best. I know it can be a frustrating and sensitive situation but I have made the experience so far that struggling on my own with it is only more difficult, at least for me.

That said, I will go back and read some of the other posts again now, since there have been a few suggestions there I would like to comment on.

I would like to thank everyone who shared their experience and opinion so far. I know that you mean well and hope that you will continue to contribute any ideas and suggestions that come to mind on the topic. Considering how much I used to lurk on the boards, I am pretty sure there is still more than just this one person around to benefit from your comments.

Thank you.

 

[Scarlet_Lady]

Sexual compatibility for me isn't just the sex itself or likes/dislikes, it's patterns and habits, which take time and experience to figure out.

I can have a lot in common with someone, but until we've been together for a good amount of time, I don't really know what their preferences, needs and skills are. When the "honeymoon" phase of the relationship ends, we may very well find we want vastly different amounts of sex, or an unwillingness/inability to resolve issues in the bedroom, for example. While we can talk about how we think it'll be, or what we believe we need and want, there's no way to figure out how it will be until we experience it.

My husband and I were years past the honeymoon phase and had dealt with a lot of sexual issues by the time we got married, so we had a very accurate picture of what our sex life would be like after the wedding. We're not a perfect match sexually, but knowing that, and the fact that we had the desire and skills to find compromise in this area, allowed us to make an informed decision on spending our lives together. The same goes for living together before marriage.

So, for us, having the time and experience to truly learn about each other beforehand was invaluable and gave us the opportunity to make the right decision, instead of getting married and hoping for the best.


Scarlet, I just saw your personal ad, and think you'll have an easier time finding what you seek as a Dominant. Perhaps you can find someone who loves denial/chastity, but really enjoys service and/or some of your other interests. I can see how no sex could work well into a FemDom relationship with the right people. There are a good number of "do me" male subs out there, but they reveal themselves pretty quickly, in my experience.

Also, if you let us know at least what country or state you're in, we may be able to give you some better suggestions on transitioning to real life when you're ready to do so.

Thank you for sharing your personal experience Erika.I can certainly see the logic in awarness and taking the time to find out about compatibility through experience and how that may be one of the most effective ways of leading to an informed decision.

The problem pretty much boils down for me to "risk of possible sexual incompatibility" vs. "certain guilt". I would like to think that while intimacy is a very important contribution to a successful committed relationship, it certainly is not the only one and as you have mentioned too, compromises can be found if both sides are willing to work on them. At least I hope so.

In the mean time it is of course driving me crazy though.

I have not been an avid pursuer of the "no sex before marriage" concept when growing up, what I always did know was that I was a one-man type of girl, the latter remaining a consistent part of what I am still looking for. Born and raised Catholic, going through the drill of minimal Sunday school education and basic ceremonies while growing up, during my teenage years I became converted to another church and without boring you with much detail I would like to say about it that I was just fine with every concept, feeling it to be right for me, at least until around the age of 20 when I decided to stop the denial of D/s interests and get informed on the matter. For a long time I had been looking for ways how to get rid of it, or heal it, but that never worked of course. So once I came to accept my interest in this regard the question came: how can I fit that into the future I want and have pictured for myself, religious views and practice included?

The best answer I could come up with so far, was to try to find people who are conservative like me and shares my basic values but also that kinky streak inside and see if any chemistry can be sparked and take things from there. In my daily life, I don't get to learn if someone is kinky or not when I meet them so I decided my best shot would be to approach things from the other end: find kinky people with complementing basic sexual interests and try to filter out those who may be a match as far as values, personality and life goals are concerned and try to see if attraction may be sparked.

Am I taking on it totally wrong?

 

[Scarlet_Lady]

However when you open yourself up on a forum like this, you will hear advice that you may not like. For a lot of us it comes from having approached things the same way you are and having had it go (in my case, catastrophically,) wrong for us.

I agree with the above statement completely. Lacking the experience myself and being at my wits end was the reason why I decided to open this topic and ask for advice in the first place. I hope that my impression about the posters of this board will prove accurate and nobody will be discouraged by the bit of turmoil that happened earlier on the thread. Your insights are valuable to me and I hope that you will keep them coming, regardless of the fact if they agree with my present views.

Thank you.

 

[Scarlet_Lady]

I might not be the greatest writer in the world, but it sure wasn't my intent to bash anyone. I was just stating what had happened to me. My religion is VERY strict. And, while I believe in it, it doesn't mean that I don't constantly struggle with it. Especially since I enjoy being submissive to my Master. I'd probably be excommunicated for the stuff I've chosen to do.

Not only has my religion been "bashed" by people my entire life, now my lifestyle is too. My only intent on posting in here was to point out that I've been in what seems to be a very similar position - in the hopes that it might help you if you wanted to talk. I don't have the patience for this nonsense.

<snip>

Thank you for sharing your situation Velvet. It *does* matter, you know.

I often feel like the odd one out in the vanilla world and the world of BDSM as well. Too interested in kink to make do without it completely, but not ready or willing to compromise certain aspects of my values for the sake of kink either. When opening up a church magazine, I rarely fail to find an article on how to heal those emerged in the evil world of pornography ... so yes, I would probably also get some serious advice on counselling if people at church new that I was reading and even posting on these boards. So the struggle you are talking about is not alien to me at all.

I can understand you running short of patience after I read through all the posts of last night. I am not here to apologize on anyone's behalf. But I do hope that you will change your mind and take a look again sometime. I would be interested in hearing more about how and why you made the choices you have if you were ready to share.

Thank you for making your voice heard. If you have more input to share I am here and happy to listen.

 

[Ice2000]

Wow. .

ROFLMAO CutieMouse you Meany!!

I just said ditto

 

[Ebonyfire]

Elaborating on my point of view:

Everyone has their beliefs. They have their standards of behavior that they live by.

I believe that it makes no difference whether you are involved in D/s, BDSM or vanilla relationships. You are always better off if you choose partners who see things as you do.

I only choose submissives who are walking a parallel path to me. That does not mean they think like me, but it does mean they have the same or similar standards of behavior, ethnics and our goals are compatible.

If having no sex is part of your belief system, so be it. If someone who wants you thinks otherwise pass them by.

 

[LunarKitten]

This is a question I was considering posting in the How to section but I don't mean to offend anyone there and concluded that this forum may be a more appropriate area to place it due to its content. If the moderators have different opinions I will of course respect that.

D/s is predominantly not about sex for me, though eventually should lead to it one day. At the moment I am more interested in finding an intellectual connection and a chemistry of personalities that may result in mutual attraction. I have been interested in the erotic aspects of power exchange since late teenage years and started exploring the topic online at the age of 20. I was raised and still live a life of conservative values I believe to reflect my views authentically, except for the area of my sexuality. I am not interested nor in the position of "coming out" with BDSM openly, it is very unlikely to ever happen, but hope to find a partner for life who would be willing and eager to share this side of me behind closed bedroom doors.

Now for the tricky part of the situation. Due to religious reasons, which I have every intention of respecting, I am not interested in engaging in pre- or extra-marital sex. It is not an expectation I have of a future partner, at least as far as the pre-marital aspect is concerned, but my very personal situation any potential partner would have to respect. So that basically leaves the task of finding and falling in love with someone compatible who is wonderfully kinky yet strictly monogamous, looking for a life long commitment and at the same time respectful of this barrier until the wedding vows are spoken. I am not famous for being a realist or uncomplicated by the way.

So the next question pops up quite naturally: how to find someone like that? Obviously chances in an environment where I can’t be honest about my interest in D/s seem very slim which pretty much leaves the D/s communities and web sites as options. That is where my other question comes in and is directed mostly towards people who have been there and can provide the real life and personal experience I am still lacking partly due to my age (23) and partly due to the above described situation.

Is it valid to advertise that you are interested in getting to know people in hopes of a D/s relationship, but not being in a position to get sexual for the time being?

I have been struggling with the situation for a while now, looked for online substitutions and outlets for my sexual energies to distract me for a while at least but of course those are no real solution to the original problem.

I would like to ask for your comments and advice on the situation. I couldn't work out much of a solution on my own all this time, so any ideas and input is much appreciated.

Thank you.

Before I was collared by my Master I had only previously worn one other collar. That was the only person in the BDSM community I had sex with.

Yes, BDSM can be a very sexual thing, but it does not have to be just about sex. What you need to do is be very upfront with the people you encounter and negotate your needs very carefully. If you do not, then you will end out with a relationship you are not happy with. What BDSM IS about, is being very honest and communicative with your partners, whether it is just a one night play date or a maybe this is the one type of deal.

 

[LunarKitten]

Sigh....if you'd had others constatly bash your D/s tendencies AND "religious" views bashed over and over, you might think differently. I've never actually had either of those opinions validated by anyone, so excuse me if I'd like that for once in my life.

Bowing out now. Maybe one day I'll actually find like-minded people.

*shrugs* D/s and religion are personal things. One size does not fit all. What's right for me may not be right for you. Who am I to say that the path you are taking in life is wrong? I believe that would be highly hipocritical of me, since I would be pissed off by someone telling that being in a loving relationship with my Master and having children with him weakens our M/s relationship. (Yuppers, I've heard that one many times.)

You will find that there are many many different ways to D/s, M/s, whatever you are intos. No way is right and no way is wrong - but you will hear people telling that if you don't do it their way then it's wrong, which is completely nutter, in my opinion. If it feels right for you, then it's right for you and that is all that matters.

 

[neonflux]

This is a question I was considering posting in the How to section but I don't mean to offend anyone there and concluded that this forum may be a more appropriate area to place it due to its content. If the moderators have different opinions I will of course respect that.

D/s is predominantly not about sex for me, though eventually should lead to it one day. At the moment I am more interested in finding an intellectual connection and a chemistry of personalities that may result in mutual attraction. I have been interested in the erotic aspects of power exchange since late teenage years and started exploring the topic online at the age of 20. I was raised and still live a life of conservative values I believe to reflect my views authentically, except for the area of my sexuality. I am not interested nor in the position of "coming out" with BDSM openly, it is very unlikely to ever happen, but hope to find a partner for life who would be willing and eager to share this side of me behind closed bedroom doors.

Now for the tricky part of the situation. Due to religious reasons, which I have every intention of respecting, I am not interested in engaging in pre- or extra-marital sex. It is not an expectation I have of a future partner, at least as far as the pre-marital aspect is concerned, but my very personal situation any potential partner would have to respect. So that basically leaves the task of finding and falling in love with someone compatible who is wonderfully kinky yet strictly monogamous, looking for a life long commitment and at the same time respectful of this barrier until the wedding vows are spoken. I am not famous for being a realist or uncomplicated by the way.

So the next question pops up quite naturally: how to find someone like that? Obviously chances in an environment where I can’t be honest about my interest in D/s seem very slim which pretty much leaves the D/s communities and web sites as options. That is where my other question comes in and is directed mostly towards people who have been there and can provide the real life and personal experience I am still lacking partly due to my age (23) and partly due to the above described situation.

Is it valid to advertise that you are interested in getting to know people in hopes of a D/s relationship, but not being in a position to get sexual for the time being?

I have been struggling with the situation for a while now, looked for online substitutions and outlets for my sexual energies to distract me for a while at least but of course those are no real solution to the original problem.

I would like to ask for your comments and advice on the situation. I couldn't work out much of a solution on my own all this time, so any ideas and input is much appreciated.

Thank you.

I think that this is very valid - it is something that I am currently doing, as well - am looking for a switch woman play partner (for very different reasons - in my case it is in part because I am only one+year into having genital herpes and don't want to risk giving it to anyone, although the risks are esier to control within the context of a BDSM w4w sexual relationship). Despite not wanting genital-to-genital contact, I definitely want someone with whom to continue to explore my Dominant side, in particular, and with whom to enjoy play. I also agree with you that the sexiest part of the body is the mind.

In addition, my SO, who I dearly love and with whom I have an open relationship, is not kinky. I am beginning to play occasionally with a male sub whom I like very much but with whom there is no expectation of sex (ever, actually - he is in much the same boat). As SweetErika has already suggested (perhaps the ad I viewed is the new one?) I am beginning to understand this as very common within the FemDom dynamic. BTW, I very much liked the directness of your personal ad. And I gather from the responses you're receiving that many men do, as well.

Good luck in your adventures! (And I am sorry that you felt there was trouble on your thread.)

Neon

EDIT: P.S., I definitely think that you are going about it in the right way, having met my SO through Craig's List. Best wishes for finding the person for whom you are looking!

 

[neonflux]

......

April, I am sorry that you felt judged - I don't believe that was what people meant to do - rather they were just describing their own experiences. I know that I have written some things on other threads with which you disagreed - I can only hope that you didn't feel judged. I also hope that you will eventually come back. I am certain that I am not the only person on these boards who admires people who stand up firmly for their own beliefs and who live their truth.

Neon

 

[Scarlet_Lady]

Time to say goodbye

At least for a while.

I am going to face a rather busy period in my life and am not likely to have much time to spend on the site in the near future.

I would like to thank you for the encouraging and thoughtful replies.

I wish you all lots of fun on Lit and hope that we will all find what we are looking for and what makes truly happy.

I am certainly leaving with fond memories. Thank you.

 

[AndrewKay]

I'm sorry if this was mentioned previously. I simply do not have the time to read through 8-9 different postings. If you are a female and want to be dominated, there are references in religious works that can support you. If you are religious and you are seeking to be dominant but you are not wanting to deal in nudity and sex, you will have a hard time finding a religiously fervent male who will be so open about wanting to be a slave/sub/pet/disciplined partner.

If you are Christian, there are an abundant number of Christian D/D sites. In fact if you do a search on Google for domestic discipline, my first hit is a Christian site; however, like I said before, a D/D interpretation of the Bible puts men in the dominant position (and D/D interpretations are already fringe). If you are talking about D/S Christian relationships, you would have a tougher time because in the fringe Christian BDSM community, a D/S interpretation is a fringe interpretation of this fringe group. I am not trying to marginalize you, but simply pointing out the facts. Religious D/S with a dominant woman is thus as fringe as it gets.

As I understand, you are a dominant woman looking to be a domme but unwilling to comprimise in terms of pre-marital sex. Here is my solution: Find a sub that likes the non-sexual aspects of being dominated. In my opinion this is not hard to find. Make it clear that there will not be sex unless the sub is deemed worthy or suitable. If you come to the point that vows can be exchanged, do so. As for religion, I say be open about it, and know that if you are a dominant woman and think D/S and your religion are compatible (as opposed to D/D, and also opposed to the man being the Dom), know that you will probably be somewhat of a pioneer. If you really think they are incompatible, then I say stick to your principles, though I doubt there will be a 'cure' to your instincts. Your religion probably won't solve your needs as a dominant woman.

In my opinion there is going to be a niche for everybody. One of these days someone in the same situation you are in (the same dilemna) will read about you and feel she is not alone in this world. Being a pioneer may not be that bad, especially if you find a sub to support you. Good luck.

 

[AndrewKay]

me again

I wanted to add another thing after reading just your postings. I think your approach is right. Go with the kinky. They may grow to share your values (more possible with a sub). They may not have thought about the things you have and may be led by you. Don't start on the conservative side looking for kink. This is the much harder route obviously.

Also I want to ask you, have you decided whether Catholicism is compatible with a D/S relationship? It would not make sense to comprimise your values on what Catholicism says about a man-woman relationship (if Catholicism deems a D/S relationship improper) while being so steadfast on holding out against pre-marital sex.

Have you asked yourself if the master-slave or similar relationship is something your religion approves of? On the flip side, have you ever been able to question the validity of your religion in a calm manner? If you are curious as to why I rejected Christianity, you can ask me though I will not mention them here for lack of space. I used to be Christian and rejected it not based on kink, but for other reasons.

Considering your dilemna, 'a master-slave relationship' as a concept has the connotation that one partner is a property to be bought, sold, shared, used. That these things usually don't happen in a consensual master-slave relationship is a separate issue. The same holds for other D/S relationships: Daddy/daughter or girl connotes incest or in the least a serious age difference. Owner/Pet as a concept connotes ownership or in the least a degree of dehumanization. Have you thought about how these ideas fit in with Catholicism?

In a religion where woman came from the rib of man, and in a religion that suggests marrige should make man and woman one flesh, I do not see how a D/S or Master-slave relationship can be compatible with this religious picture of marriage. Just a thought. If you want to talk about being a faithful Catholic, I do not think one can say immediately whether comprimising on the pre-marital sex issue is worse than comprimising on what the religion says should be the relationship between a married man and wife (not a mother-son, owner-pet, or master-slave). In my opinion, a D/D relationship or TiH relationship could be less incongruous to your religion, but again, the picture of a woman dominated D/D or TiH is more incongruous with Christianity than a man dominated D/D or TiH relationship.

It seems you have a lot of internal questions to answer before looking out. Seriously, if you think you can have a D/S relationship that does not cause you to comprimise your religious beliefs (i.e. the ideas are compatible)then you should feel free to trek the less-trodden path. The alternative is abandoning kink, or abandoning religion.