It's dead Jim...

[JustKjell]

Thanks!

I've been in therapy and pretty much been told the same. Just not sure I'm ready to pull the plug. Then again, it might all work out wonderfully in the end.

People who've gone through divorces with similar (not cheating, just issues like mine)... How did things work out?

 

[SPARTAN047]

Very sorry to hear that. There's a whole subreddit dedicated to dead bedrooms, and I nearly always hear about it in marriages. It does happen a lot in relationships and cohabiting, I always hear of one or both partners getting bored. It's much easier to handle it when you're just living together except in Australia. You can just walk when the relationship reaches such a point, there are no lawyers involved.

 

[SPARTAN047]

@JustKjell... You seem a like a stand up guy, but we don't REALLY know you, so please don't take offense to this.

Unless we hear his wife's side of the story, we're not really able to offer much in the way of objective guidance.

After all, it's quite possible what JustKjell calls "digs" many of us might see as well-intentioned reminders to follow a Doctors instructions about medication, diet, exercise, etc... And her "put downs" might actually sound to us as justifiable criticism for how he's aggressive and short-tempered with their kids. And maybe her "demands" are about not drinking when he's alone watching the children - which, if true, is quite reasonable.

I'm not saying this is what's really going on, I'm just saying that we don't really know it's not.

As for sex, there could be good reasons for her disinterest. Maybe he's a selfish lover, or maybe he pressures her to do the crazy shit he sees in Porn or maybe he has horrible hygiene... Again... we don't really know.

Hence, going to therapy where someone hears both sides is the ONLY recommendation that makes sense.

At least it was a fair assessment, but why is he automatically to blame?

 

[Get_happy_1]

@JustKjell ...From what I have learned over the years, the majority of women wont be interested in sex if there is zero emotional connection. They dont want to put out just cuz we males need to get laid. It sounds like like your emotional connection is no longer, sadly. Get her alone and free of distraction, look her square in the eyes and ask her "Do you want to rebuild our emotional connection?". It is a "Yes" or "No" question, you deserve as much. Do not accept anything else. If she says "Yes", ask her to put a plan in place. This way she will own the process and knows/feels that she is being heard and understood. If she says "No" or anything else for that matter, she has made a very intentional statement on your marriage, accept it and move on. Life is short. Get Happy.

 

[drobert44]

I'm in the same situation. No sex, or even a hug in nearly 10 years of 15 years of marriage. I am biting the bullet and getting divorced because of it. Uncontested here, so she gets whatever the hell she wants, and I walk away clean. I'm planning to move overseas, was originally planning New York, but an old classmate is trying to convince me to move in with her in Lisbon. Unfortunately, Portuguese is 1 language I do not speak. Planning to visit next summer, may not come back.

Well, Spanish is so easy; I bet Port is too.

 

[Shaglus_Ziegler]

My sex-life, that is...

It's been dead for over 10 years in a 20+ year marriage. Apparently I've been married to an a-sexual woman and now have a roommate rather than somebody who I can have a healthy sexual relationship with. And yes, I've tried everything. I'm keeping it somewhat vague for fear of being found out by friends / colleagues.

Anyway, kinda wondering if there are folks out here who've been in a similar situation and how they handled it. Divorce isn't really an option b/c of kids and the fact that it'd financially ruin me.

Fun, no?

I’d get real honest and see where it goes, it beats not living. Good luck.

 

[Shaglus_Ziegler]

I'm in the same situation. No sex, or even a hug in nearly 10 years of 15 years of marriage. I am biting the bullet and getting divorced because of it. Uncontested here, so she gets whatever the hell she wants, and I walk away clean. I'm planning to move overseas, was originally planning New York, but an old classmate is trying to convince me to move in with her in Lisbon. Unfortunately, Portuguese is 1 language I do not speak. Planning to visit next summer, may not come back.

Wise. Lots of Portuguese people speak English. They understand Spanish too. Have fun. Way to get brave!!

 

[Shaglus_Ziegler]

Well, Spanish is so easy; I bet Port is too.

Portuguese is tough!! Lol.

 

[drobert44]

I'm having trouble with Spanish and French. Can't retain the knowledge, which is weird. They are the 2 most common languages at work. I should be picking them up.

Spanish certainly easier than French.

 

[Lotus_Kitty]

Thanks!

I've been in therapy and pretty much been told the same. Just not sure I'm ready to pull the plug. Then again, it might all work out wonderfully in the end.

People who've gone through divorces with similar (not cheating, just issues like mine)... How did things work out?

Sending you sympathy for your tough situation. I know I haven't heard the wife's side of things so I can't really make objective assessments here, but you are very clearly hurting and not being treated well. I hope that changes for you.

I know this thread is several weeks old. Hoping things are slowly getting better for you.

If your wife does indeed have BPD, I sympathize even more, with you, and with her as well. If I understand correctly, people with BPD can have trouble with attachment and stable relationships. They can fear being abandoned but can also be really hard to live with. Rough on everyone. Definitely rough on you.

Very glad you have gone to see a therapist, even if it is just you. I recommend therapy very highly (it's helped me with mental health tremendously). I wish your wife would go but no one can make her.

I second everything others have said about the need for an emotional connection, for hugs, for being heard and treated with kindness and respect. Those things are needed for any good relationship. I am sorry you are not getting those things.

I think mediation rather than divorce may be a very good idea. Far better to split amicably or at least without a huge fight.

There is another option you may wish to consider. Have you asked your wife about remaining married on paper, living together, but agreeing you are both free to see other people? Is that something that would work for you? Something to ask yourself.

Good to see men supporting each other emotionally in this thread. We need more of that.

 

[JustKjell]

Thanks for all the replies everyone. I haven't been here for a while but it means a lot!

Quick Edit:

Despite things having improved somewhat, it wasn't to be. It's the same pattern all over again and I honestly don't know how to break free from it. My wife doesn't feel she needs to see anyone (nothing's wrong with me!) but at least I've managed to get her to talk a bit more. Anything that's *slightly* emotional to her ends the conversation with 'I don't want to talk anymore' but we'll see.

The thing that really kills you is the emotional roller coaster and, at least on my end, the lack of physical intimacy that not only brings you closer together but reduces stress.

So to everyone who's reached out (and one in particular), thanks for being there. It means a lot!