Elmo_Lincoln
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Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70? Because every time she gets to 69 she gets a little frog stuck in her throat.
mugsgame
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Bubba applied for an engineering position at a refinery.
A Yankee applied for the same job, and, both applicants having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test. Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one question.
The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the Yankee the job."
Bubba said, "Why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me being a Southern boy, I should get the job!"
The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed."
Bubba then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
The manager replied: "Bubba, its like this. On question #4 the Yankee put down: "I don't know." You put down, "Neither do I."
A Yankee applied for the same job, and, both applicants having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test. Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one question.
The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the Yankee the job."
Bubba said, "Why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me being a Southern boy, I should get the job!"
The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed."
Bubba then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
The manager replied: "Bubba, its like this. On question #4 the Yankee put down: "I don't know." You put down, "Neither do I."
mugsgame
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Three sorority sisters meet for brunch 20 years after graduation.
The waiter asks, “What will you have today?”
“White wine, and a salad.” “White wine and a salad, also.” “White wine! And a salad!”
The conversation starts and Amanda says, “Why don’t you tell us a little about your life, Stacey?”
Stacey says, “It’s amazing! I’m married to an international businessman and we travel all over the world in our own 747! We have a home in Paris, we have a home in Palm Springs, we take our yacht to Saint-Tropez. Last week we were with the Kardsashians and I think Kim is one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met! What about you, Stacey?”
“Well, much like you, Amanda. I’m married to an international heart surgeon and we travel the world in our 747. We have a home in London, a home in Miami, and I shop on Rodeo Drive. Last week we were with the Obamas and I think Michelle is the sweetest person I’ve ever met!”
And there sat Hilda. “What about you girl, what’s your life been like?”
“Well nothing like yours. I just married old Joe Jones out of college and we live in a really nice double-wide just out of town. He cuts meat down at the grocery store and we went to Six Flags last year and the kids were really excited about that.”
“Hilda, what happened? You were everything in college! You were the cheerleading captain, you dated the quarterback of the football team - isn’t there anything extraordinary about your life?”
“The only thing I can think of is that when Joe gets sexually aroused and has an erection [Hilda lifts a finger and points with her other hand] we can put 13 parrots on there, like this.”
Amanda wrinkled her brow, looked over her glasses and said, “How many?” “13 parrots.”
Hmm.
They keep drinking white wine and talking and the truth starts to come out. Stacey says, “Guys I got to level with you. I lied earlier. My husband isn’t an international businessman, he’s a real estate agent and we live in Tulsa, Oklahoma. We got to go to Dollywood last years and the kids were real excited about that.”
Amanda said, “Guys, I lied, too. My husband isn’t a heart surgeon, he sells insurance where we live, in Topeka, Kansas. We went to Branson last year on vacation and that was kind of fun.”
Stacey said, “Hilda, thank you for being so honest with us earlier, but is there ANYTHING you might have exaggerated about your life?”
Hilda said, “Well, sometimes, [points at tip of finger] when we put that 13th parrot right there on the end, it has to flap its wings to stay on!”
The waiter asks, “What will you have today?”
“White wine, and a salad.” “White wine and a salad, also.” “White wine! And a salad!”
The conversation starts and Amanda says, “Why don’t you tell us a little about your life, Stacey?”
Stacey says, “It’s amazing! I’m married to an international businessman and we travel all over the world in our own 747! We have a home in Paris, we have a home in Palm Springs, we take our yacht to Saint-Tropez. Last week we were with the Kardsashians and I think Kim is one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met! What about you, Stacey?”
“Well, much like you, Amanda. I’m married to an international heart surgeon and we travel the world in our 747. We have a home in London, a home in Miami, and I shop on Rodeo Drive. Last week we were with the Obamas and I think Michelle is the sweetest person I’ve ever met!”
And there sat Hilda. “What about you girl, what’s your life been like?”
“Well nothing like yours. I just married old Joe Jones out of college and we live in a really nice double-wide just out of town. He cuts meat down at the grocery store and we went to Six Flags last year and the kids were really excited about that.”
“Hilda, what happened? You were everything in college! You were the cheerleading captain, you dated the quarterback of the football team - isn’t there anything extraordinary about your life?”
“The only thing I can think of is that when Joe gets sexually aroused and has an erection [Hilda lifts a finger and points with her other hand] we can put 13 parrots on there, like this.”
Amanda wrinkled her brow, looked over her glasses and said, “How many?” “13 parrots.”
Hmm.
They keep drinking white wine and talking and the truth starts to come out. Stacey says, “Guys I got to level with you. I lied earlier. My husband isn’t an international businessman, he’s a real estate agent and we live in Tulsa, Oklahoma. We got to go to Dollywood last years and the kids were real excited about that.”
Amanda said, “Guys, I lied, too. My husband isn’t a heart surgeon, he sells insurance where we live, in Topeka, Kansas. We went to Branson last year on vacation and that was kind of fun.”
Stacey said, “Hilda, thank you for being so honest with us earlier, but is there ANYTHING you might have exaggerated about your life?”
Hilda said, “Well, sometimes, [points at tip of finger] when we put that 13th parrot right there on the end, it has to flap its wings to stay on!”
Matt12191982
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Rockefeller dies. He's standing in line at the pearly gates. One newcomer wants to enter the kingdom. St. Peter asks,
"What did you do for others?"
"I was a great teacher and helped kids"
"Ok, you may enter"... and this goes on.
Then Rockefeller is up.... St. Peter asks, "What did YOU do for people?"
"I once gave three homeless men a dime" (which I believe would remove their incentive)
God intervenes and says, "Give him 30 cents and tell him to go to Hell"
"What did you do for others?"
"I was a great teacher and helped kids"
"Ok, you may enter"... and this goes on.
Then Rockefeller is up.... St. Peter asks, "What did YOU do for people?"
"I once gave three homeless men a dime" (which I believe would remove their incentive)
God intervenes and says, "Give him 30 cents and tell him to go to Hell"
Matt12191982
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Saddam Hussein, Taha Yassin Ramadan and Tariq Aziz are lounging on the balcony of one of Saddam's palaces when a flock of geese flies over. "Ramadan, shoot the geese," Saddam says. The vice president lifts his AK-47 and empties a clip into the sky, but doesn't hit a single goose. "You try, Tariq," Saddam says. The deputy prime minister fires and misses as well. "Damn, I have to do everything around here," Saddam says. He fires five rounds in the air. None of the birds fall. There's an awkward silence. Then Tariq Aziz points at the receding flock and says, "My God, would you look at that! Dead birds flying!"
mugsgame
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A man walks into a bar and orders a 21-year-old whiskey.
He takes a sip and then spits it out.
"I asked for a 21-year-old, this is 18 years! I'm not paying! Give me a 12-year-old cognac."
The bartender serves him, and the man spits it out again.
"This is only 10 years! I'm not paying!"
The bartender starts getting frustrated. After more and more drinks with the same reaction, the bartender serves another one and says:
"This one's on the house."
The man takes a sip and immediately spits it out.
"This tastes like piss!"
"Now tell me, how old am I?"
He takes a sip and then spits it out.
"I asked for a 21-year-old, this is 18 years! I'm not paying! Give me a 12-year-old cognac."
The bartender serves him, and the man spits it out again.
"This is only 10 years! I'm not paying!"
The bartender starts getting frustrated. After more and more drinks with the same reaction, the bartender serves another one and says:
"This one's on the house."
The man takes a sip and immediately spits it out.
"This tastes like piss!"
"Now tell me, how old am I?"
mugsgame
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A car gets pulled over for inspection because it's driving very slow on the interstate.
Officer: "Ma'am, do you know how slow you were driving."
Woman: "25 mph."
Officer: "Why were you driving so slow?"
Woman: "Slow? There are signs everywhere that say I-25, so I was driving that speed."
Officer: "That's not a speed sign, it's the identification number of the interstate. license and registration, please."
As the driver reaches for the glove compartment, the officer sees the passenger sitting there, pale and shivering.
Officer: "Are you okay? what's the problem?"
Passenger: "We just got off the US-160."
Officer: "Ma'am, do you know how slow you were driving."
Woman: "25 mph."
Officer: "Why were you driving so slow?"
Woman: "Slow? There are signs everywhere that say I-25, so I was driving that speed."
Officer: "That's not a speed sign, it's the identification number of the interstate. license and registration, please."
As the driver reaches for the glove compartment, the officer sees the passenger sitting there, pale and shivering.
Officer: "Are you okay? what's the problem?"
Passenger: "We just got off the US-160."
mugsgame
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The Fertile 70yr old man.
A 70-year-old married a 20-year-old. A year after the wedding the couple arrives at the delivery room. A male boy weighing 3.5 kg was born, healthy and beautiful.
The nurse asks the old man "Yours?"
"Yes," the old man replies proudly.
"Congratulations," the nurse replies.
"Well…" says the old man, "the old engine still runs!"
Two years later the duo arrives at the delivery room again. A 3.5 kg girl was born, healthy and beautiful.
The same nurse again asks the old man: "Yours?"
"Yes" the old man answers.
"Well done" the nurse answers.
"The engine still runs!" said the old man.
After two more years, they come to the delivery room again. A 3.5-year-old male son is born, healthy and beautiful.
The same nurse asks the old man: "Yours?"
"Yes," the old man replies.
"Congratulations," the nurse says, "that’s really impressive."
"Well…" says the old man, "the engine is STILL running!"
"Well… says the nurse, "You may want to change the oil, the last one came out black."
A 70-year-old married a 20-year-old. A year after the wedding the couple arrives at the delivery room. A male boy weighing 3.5 kg was born, healthy and beautiful.
The nurse asks the old man "Yours?"
"Yes," the old man replies proudly.
"Congratulations," the nurse replies.
"Well…" says the old man, "the old engine still runs!"
Two years later the duo arrives at the delivery room again. A 3.5 kg girl was born, healthy and beautiful.
The same nurse again asks the old man: "Yours?"
"Yes" the old man answers.
"Well done" the nurse answers.
"The engine still runs!" said the old man.
After two more years, they come to the delivery room again. A 3.5-year-old male son is born, healthy and beautiful.
The same nurse asks the old man: "Yours?"
"Yes," the old man replies.
"Congratulations," the nurse says, "that’s really impressive."
"Well…" says the old man, "the engine is STILL running!"
"Well… says the nurse, "You may want to change the oil, the last one came out black."
mugsgame
Literotica Guru
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Putting a stop to Church gossip.
Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned, and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny the accusation. Instead, he said nothing.
Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home, and left it there all night.
Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned, and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny the accusation. Instead, he said nothing.
Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home, and left it there all night.
ccs29745
Friend
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- Sep 25, 2006
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Damn
Northernlands
Experienced
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- Apr 24, 2020
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What's the difference between kinky and perverted? Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird.
ALovelyNudist
Passionate Nudist
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- Apr 11, 2024
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What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot! 
mugsgame
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A man has a serious car crash.
And wakes up in hospital. The doctor tells him during the crash he had his dick completely severed off but luckily the hospital he's in is the world's foremost at dick transplants.
The Dr tells him he can have a small one for £3000, a medium one for £6000 or a massive one for £12,000.
The man replies that he needs to talk to his wife since it'll affect her to.
The next day the Dr comes by asking if he and his wife had come to a decision.
To which the man says "Yes we have. We've decided to get a new kitchen."
And wakes up in hospital. The doctor tells him during the crash he had his dick completely severed off but luckily the hospital he's in is the world's foremost at dick transplants.
The Dr tells him he can have a small one for £3000, a medium one for £6000 or a massive one for £12,000.
The man replies that he needs to talk to his wife since it'll affect her to.
The next day the Dr comes by asking if he and his wife had come to a decision.
To which the man says "Yes we have. We've decided to get a new kitchen."
mugsgame
Literotica Guru
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Johnny wants to try new things
So Johnny goes to see his friend Jenny and tells her he will give her 20$, if she let him put his finger in her belly button but only under bed-sheets, so it's not awkward.
Since Jenny is short on cash, she agrees to the request. She invites Johnny to her house and they both get into bed.
After a few minutes, Jenny is confused so she asks Johnny: "Wait, Johnny, this isn't my belly button..."
"Well, it's not my finger either."
So Johnny goes to see his friend Jenny and tells her he will give her 20$, if she let him put his finger in her belly button but only under bed-sheets, so it's not awkward.
Since Jenny is short on cash, she agrees to the request. She invites Johnny to her house and they both get into bed.
After a few minutes, Jenny is confused so she asks Johnny: "Wait, Johnny, this isn't my belly button..."
"Well, it's not my finger either."
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