Jokes: Let’s hear your funniest

[mugsgame]

Two good ol’ boys, Bubba and Junior get promoted from Privates to Sergeants

Not long after, they’re out for a walk and Bubba says, “Hey, Junior - there’s the NCO Club. Let’s you and me stop in and have us a drank.”

“But we’s privates,” protests Junior.

“NO, we’s sergeants now,” says Bubba, pulling him inside. “Now, Junior, I’m gonna sit down and have me a drank.”

“But, we’s privates,” says Junior.

"You blind, boy!” says Bubba, pointing at his stripes. “We’s Sergeants now!”

So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba. “You’re cute,” she says, “and I’d like to take you someplace and make you feel good — but I’ve got a bad case of gonorrhea.”

Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, “Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what that gonorrhea means. If it’s good, give me the okay sign.” Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Junior,” he says, “What you give me the okay for?!”

“Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates.” Then he pointed to his stripes and says, “But we’s Sergeants now!"

 

[mugsgame]

Found out two things today

1) Kitchen sex can be wild and exciting.

2) The staff at McDonald's are quite narrow minded.

 

[mugsgame]

An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic.

He put up a sign outside that said: "Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured get back $1,000."

Doctor Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000, so, he went to the clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Aaagh! This is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor Young: "Oh no you don't, that's Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak I can hardly see!"
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so. Here's your $1000 back."
Dr. Young: "But this is only $500..."
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

 

[mugsgame]

Young entrepreneurs

One day two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14 came home with a 20 and 50 euro note. Their mother asked them where they got all that money.

"Well, we were standing outside the brothel when a guy left," said the 12-year-old. "We told him we knew where he had been, so he asked us not to reveal anything and gave us 20 euros."

"Then we followed the man," said the other boy, "and when he came to his house we told him that now we also knew where he lived. Then he gave us another 50 euros and begged us to keep quiet."

"That's a truly awful behavior," the mother replied. "You really should be ashamed of yourselves and feel sorry for the man. Off you go to confession."

The boys did what they were told and went to church to confess to the priest.

After a while they came back with 100 euros because now they now knew where the man worked.

 

[mugsgame]

Padraic Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten...

Now, the Missus was never too happy about it, either. So one night she hides in the cemetery and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him.

As poor Pat wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming, "Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and ya' don't give up you're drinkin' and it's to Hell I'll take ye'".

Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded, "Who the hell ARE you?". Too that the Missus replied, "I'm the divil ya' damned old fool".

To which Flaherty remarked, "Damned glad to meet you sir, I'm married to yer sister!"

 

[mugsgame]

A drunk guy has to use the restroom in a bar.

A drunk guy is in a bar and has to do #2. So he goes to the restroom. He's in there a while and the bar manager comes in there.

"What seems to be the problem in here? You're screaming and scaring the customers."

"I'm trying to take a shit and every time I try to flush, something comes up and grabs my balls and squeezes them!"

"That's because you're sitting on the mop bucket, dummy!"

 

[mugsgame]

A Blonde Driving

A blonde female bought herself a new Mercedes. She could drive the car during the day, but at night the car wouldn't move at all. She tried driving the car at night for a week with no luck.

Furious, she called the dealership, told them the problem and they sent a mechanic to the house. The mechanic gave the car a thorough inspection and could not find anything wrong.

Eventually, he asked the blonde, " Are you sure you're using the right gears?"

"Of course I am. I'm not stupid. I use "D" during the day and "N" at night!"

 

[mugsgame]

Heart attack on a golf course

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying here and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "They found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

 

[mugsgame]

Wife in front of the mirror: “I look awful.” Then turns to her husband, and says: “I need a compliment to make me feel better.”

The husband: “You have 20/20 vision.”

 

[mugsgame]

My dyslexic blonde girlfriend just said "How do we know which of the other 49 states are real?"

I said: "What? They're all real"

She said: "No they're not, we only know for certain that one is real, no one's certain about the other ones. Just like the saying goes"

*Now very confused* I reply: "What saying?"

She looks at me like I'm an idiot and replies confidently: "You know - only two things are certain in life, death and Texas"

 

[mugsgame]

My girlfriend thought I’d be a pushover in bed, and wouldn’t you know it....

She had me pegged from the start.

 

[mugsgame]

I just came across my husband’s Tinder profile, and I am so angry about his lies.

He is not “Fun to be around!”

 

[mugsgame]

Two Lawyers were standing outside and talking when a beautiful woman walked by.

The first lawyer took one look and said, "I'd like to fuck HER!"

The second lawyer replied, "Out of what?"

 

[mugsgame]

A girl in a wheelchair goes to the dance hall, but nobody will dance with her. Finally I lad comes over and asks her to dance, so they twirl around on the dance floor for a while.

When it gets to closing time, the girl asks the lad to bring her home. They have a nice chat on the way home and before long are outside her place. The guy says to her: "Listen, any chance of a bit of jiggy-wiggy...?"

The girl says "Aye, but you can't come in, I live with my uncle. But you know what, you could hang me here onto the railings and we can have a go." So they get at it and have a few nice minutes.

When they're finished the lad takes the girl down, puts her back in the wheelchair and wheels her to the door. The uncle opens and says "Well, laddie, thank you so much - you're a real gentleman... The other fellas always left her hanging on the railings!"

 

[mugsgame]

As he was backing into a parking spot, my boss told me, “Let me know when I hit the wall.”

Me: ok. No problem.

[Bang]

Me: It’s 4: 35 p.m..

 

[mugsgame]

A therapist is asking a guy about his marriage.

Therapist: "Any complaints about your wife's sex habits?"

Guy: "There's only one - she's a real screamer."

Therapist: "Is that such a bad thing?"

Guy: "Yeah. It's only when I walk in on her."

 

[mugsgame]

Teacher asks class to use the word urinate in a sentence.

Little Johnny raised his hand wildly & says "Me me me."

Teacher says okay Johnny, let's hear you use it in a sentence. Johnny says "URINATE, and if you had bigger tits you'd be a 10."

 

[mugsgame]

Three Friends and the Whorehouse

Three friends, Jim, Mike, and Phil, walked into a Whore House where upon the Madame approached them. "What can I do for you?" she asked.

Jim noticed a Specials Board and it had three choices: Standard Blowjob $50, Deluxe Blowjob $100, Super Deluxe Blowjob $200. The friends, suddenly feeling nervous, hesitated, but then Jim said. "Excellent, I'll take the Standard Blowjob please." The Madam called out to one of the girls who then came out from behind a curtain. She was naked and beautiful. She led Jim up the staircase while the other two remained in the lobby. A short while later, Jim came down the stairs with a satisfied smile on his face.

"How was it?" asked Mike.

"She was very good.", said Jim, "I haven't cum like that in a long time. Excellent technique."

Mike opened his wallet and pulled out a $100 bill. He handed it to the Madame and said. "Well, if Jim had a good time with a $50 blowjob, I'll go ahead and try the Deluxe one."

He was suddenly spirited away by another beautiful women and headed upstairs. He was gone longer than Jim was, but when he finally came down, he had beads of sweat on his forehead and showing off a big toothy grin.

"Well?" said Phil, "How was it?"

"Oh mama", said Mike, "First she put some whipped cream on my cock, then added some chopped nuts. She then sucked me off and the feelings created by the cream and nuts was fantastic! I never felt anything like that before!"

Phil did not hesitate to hand the Madame $200. "I'll take the Super Deluxe." Soon, he was bounding upstairs with his beautiful whore. Sometime later he plodded down the stairs with a dark frown plastered on his face. His friends approached him and asked what happened.

He looked at Jim and said: "Well, like you she had great technique." He turned to Mike. "And like you she put whipped cream and nuts on my cock, and then she added some warm chocolate sauce, sliced cherries and hot fudge." Phil slowly shook his head. "And it looked so fucking good, I pushed her off the bed and ate it myself!!!"

 

[mugsgame]

A man walks into a bar...

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."

The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you do that."

The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?"

The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."

The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar.

A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.

"Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously.

"Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."

 

[Fiestykitten]

What does a prostitute and peanut butter have in common?

They both spread for bread!

 

[mugsgame]

At the pearly gates

A minister died and was waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him was a guy in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.

Saint Peter asked the guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replied, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, New York City."

Saint Peter consulted his list, smiled and said, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The taxi driver entered Heaven with his robe and staff, and it was the minister's turn.

He stood erect and boomed out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consulted his list and said, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

Just a minute," said the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he got a silk robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here we work by results," said Saint Peter. "While you preached people slept. While he drove people prayed."

 

[mugsgame]

Fart Football

An elderly married couple had just settled into bed when the old man let out a loud fart and declared, “Seven points!”

His wife, confused, rolled over and asked, “What was that all about?”

The old man grinned and replied, “It’s fart football.”

Not wanting to be left out, a few minutes later the wife let one rip and proudly announced, “Touchdown, tie game!”

After a short pause, the old man fired off another and boasted, “Aha, 14 to 7! I’m winning.”

Determined to keep up, the wife let loose with another big one, saying, “Touchdown, tie game again.”

Then, with a little squeaker, she added, “Field goal! I’m in the lead, 17 to 14.”

Now feeling the pressure, the old man couldn’t stand the thought of losing. Determined not to be defeated, he pushed with all his might—but gave a little too much effort. To his horror, he accidentally pooped in the bed.

His wife, shocked, asked, “What on earth just happened?”

The old man sighed and said, “Half time—time to switch sides.”

 

[mugsgame]

Little Johnny asks his teacher if she would punish him for something he didn't do?

The teacher says “Of course not!”

Little Johnny says “Well i didn’t do my homework.”

 

[mugsgame]

Snoopy’s official resignation letter was leaked out into the public. It simply stated:

“I’m tired of working for Peanuts.”

 

[mugsgame]

British men love cunnilingus.

That’s why they have that “Stiff upper lip.”