Journal: a novice couple's journey into the world of Dominance and submission

[77fbird400]

D/s session #2 - Improvements on her part! But I suck.

Non-fiction

So don’t expect this to be super exciting. It’s not. This should be pretty accurate. Although it’s been a few days, I wrote a rough draft the day following our second D/s session.

Please keep in mind that this session happened only 2 nights after the first D/s session so it predates all of the above discussion. It takes me a while to put these journal entries together.

I’ve given this a considerable amount of thought since our first session. On one hand, I think I went way too far on the first one. Even though if you are experienced at D/s, our first session must have seemed like a walk in the park. As Kim alluded, it was emotionally draining for both of us. It was challenging for me to command her in a way that she would find acceptable, yet also edgy enough that she would feel like she is being dominated. As I mentioned in the D/s session #1 post, she cried. I completely underestimated how emotionally draining it was for her.

Even before all of your wonderful advice, my Lit mentor (a full time Dom) whom I’ve been communicating with via PM suggested that I follow up with her which I did. But I did it in my own way. The next morning after our first D/s session, she was very happy, spunky, jovial and affectionate with me. Probably like you, most of the times we have sex it is a 10-50 minute quickie. Once in a while, perhaps once a week, it is an extended sex night that last a lot longer, often the entire night. We have to do this in the wee hours of the morning because we have teenage children. Our first D/s session was an extended sex night even though the entire D/s session lasted perhaps 30 mins. On these nights we usually start around 2:30AM trying to wait until all the teens are sleeping. We often do not finish until 6 or 6:30AM leaving little or no time for further sleep. To pull this off, we try to sleep that night by 9-9:30PM. The teens can take care of themselves

As I mentioned the next morning after our first D/s play, she was flirty and frisky, more than usual. She even teased that we could have sex again in a couple of days. Not only that, she actually woke up before any of us and made a really nice pancake family breakfast with spam (yum!), eggs, fried potatoes and what I call “leftover omelette”. She even made the eggs how we each liked them. Poor woman. We all like our eggs a bit different!

I woke up before our children. I do this often. Brushed my teeth. We kiss a lot so oral hygiene is important. I approached her from behind as she’s cooking, roughly grabbed her robe, she yelped not knowing I was there, unhanded her cooking implements, spun her around, she complained, I ignored, grabbed a handful of hair, roughly pulled her head back, planted a big kiss, and forced her to hug me by I burying her face between my shoulder and neck. Still grabbing a handful of hair, I held her head in that position as I tried to convey through touch and affection and without words that I love her dearly, she is valued and respected, and that I am sorry for what I did to her last night. I know from experience that this simple action would pay for itself later and it would. I released her hair, placed both of my hands on her cheeks, tilted her chin up towards mine and gave her another kiss while the scrambled eggs burned. She’s now pissed off at me, in a good way! Note to self: she’ll give me the burned eggs, so next time I should take them OFF the stove before doing this. If you haven’t guessed already, she is a woman who loves to feel forced. She has never told me that, I just know it. A lot of our sex play, even outside of BDSM and S/m is based on forced sex. She is also an old fashioned woman who also appreciates romance and chivalry. I’m happy to oblige on all fronts at every possible opportunity.

Given the above circumstances, I did not feel it was necessary to talk about our first D/s session. Besides, we really do not usually talk about sex. Still, I followed the counsel I was given from my mentor and followed up via SMS / text. I asked if she was OK from our first D/s session and if she’s willing to continue being trained as my slave wife. Of course she said yes. It was a loaded question. She knew that’s the answer I wanted.The answer came from her heart, not her mind. I don’t trust her response.

Fast forward to the start of our second D/s evening which, as it turns out, would also be fraught with mistakes especially on my part. She was brilliant!

Cosplay and scenario sex is something we’ve been engaging in relatively recently in our attempts to keep our sex lives fresh and exciting. Now this is definitely a first world problem. We’ve been having sex together for 20+ years. Before we met, we had very few other sexual partners. We’re always trying something new to keep our sex from becoming a chore that we schedule a couple of times a week. Or to keep our sex from becoming a set routine like the cycles of a laundry washing machine - fill water > tumble to wash > centrifuge > fill > tumble to rinse > centrifuge. Boring! I bought her a onesie with a button crotch with a collar attached to it a while ago but she hasn’t worn it prior to tonight. It looks like this:

Since this is a BDSM forum and not a sex forum, I won’t go into details about our regular sex play. I’ll just say that the onesie was a ton of fun! And involved a lot of deep kissing. There was a lot of laughter involved. I tried to unbutton her onesie at her crotch with my teeth but it’s new so the buttons were very tight so I couldn’t do it. She giggled, I laughed and gave up using my teeth. Then when I unbuttoned her crotch and opened what was supposed to be my prize - her kittykat, I saw that she wore panties. Well, the reason for the button crotch is you’re not supposed to wear panties! Much laughter ensued. Panties off, ate her out for a while. Kitty, labia, clit, inner thigh spanking is also within my legal authority as bestowed by my wife. I usually spank her kitty as part of orgasm denial. She hates being denied! In a good way!

I’m just including this because I thought it would be fun Plus, I would also like to read back on these posts and remember these experiences as well. She had a nice big O. With the onesie still on but the crotch unbuttoned and exposed, I decided to play with her breasts instead. Again, this is the first time she is wearing the onesie. It has those little short sleeves (cute!), a built in collar (cute!) and it was a bit small so it was tight (hot!). I should have bought a medium size. On top of that, of all things she decided to wear a bra under the onesie to make her B+ size breasts fill out the onesie a bit better. Well how the heck am I supposed to unbutton it while wearing a tight onesie? I can’t come in from the sides to play with her breasts because of the sleeves. I CAN come in from the top, but the collar holds up the front of the onesie and it’s tight. I tried to roll up the onesie from the bottom since the crotch is unbuttoned but no success there either. We laughed until we cried, it was so funny! Good times!

Time to start D/s play session #2.

At this time, she isn’t wearing a collar except for the one attached to her onesie. That doesn’t count.

Please keep in mind that this second session predates all of the above comments. Regardless, I am still under the direct mentorship of another Lit user who has been coaching my actions and decisions. He is an experienced Dom who is in a committed, long term, full time D/s relationship. However his advice is often too extreme for beginners. Still, I’d like to publicly acknowledge his efforts to assist us!

Before I collared her that night, I felt I needed to clean her up a bit after our previous sex play. Once again I placed a pillow for her knees on the floor parallel to the bed about 20” away from the center. I re-buttoned the crotch of her onesie - no panties, and tidied her onesie sleeves and collar. I put one of my hands on her cheek and chin, lifted her head slightly and tidied her hair by running my fingers through it and gathering it. I asked her to kneel on the pillow. In an attempt to give her an appropriate amount of after-care, I pushed her hair away from her ear and kissed her gently on the forehead. I unlatched the onesie collar and proceeded to collar her with a new one I just received in the mail:

I want to clarify that my wife doesn't look like that! Just the button-crotch onesie looks like that!

Looking back, at this point, it would have been a great idea to explain or remind her what the collar symbolized. I like this collar because of the metal rings. They’re going to clink when she moves and I can attach her leash to it without using her “dog” collar. Before you freak out, I should mention that pet-girl play is already part of our regular sex play outside of D/s. She’ll wear a (different) collar, leash, she will walk, heel, beg, fetch. When we’re engaging in pet-girl play, I’m issuing commands but not necessarily within the realm of D/s guidelines. Does that make sense? In fact, pet-girl play is where I got the idea that perhaps we could try D/s play as an evolutionary step to pet-girl training. I feel that pet training is somewhat similar to D/s play, so the move from pet play to D/s wasn’t a big step. Well, I was completely wrong! D/s play is much more complicated. To reflect on D/s play and pet-girl play, training her like a dog is a lot easier than D/s play. She’s a good doggie but a terrible slave. I’m a good dog trainer, but I’m absolutely terrible dominant (not going to insult Doms by calling myself one). As a leashed doggie, she isn’t required to sit motionless.

My wife is really not able to sit still and refrain from talking. As I was latching her collar, she said it was too tight (fair enough). She twisted her head and placed a finger between her neck and the collar and said “there, this tight.” I let it go, after all, she wasn’t wearing her collar yet. Reflecting on this now, she needs to try a lot harder to please me. However, being a complete novice, it is very difficult for me to gauge and adjust the intensity even though I know her so well from 20 years of marriage. Upon reflection, the fact that she is terrible at this is very arousing and entertaining. It is simply a lot of fun as vanilla as this is!

Now she is wearing the collar.

I reminded her of the two rules [1] She is to obey me [2] She is not to speak unless she asks first. I put her in slave position #1 - Good Girl
https://***************/document/d/1...it?usp=sharing

Once again, physical guidance was required to put her in this position to my satisfaction. Her knees were on the floor, toes pointed in, sitting on her heels, head bowed, hands clasped on her lap. Once again, I needed to correct and improve the arch on her back and I wanted her chin to be pointed a bit more in a submissive downward position. I commanded her to hold this position, this time for over 2 minutes, probably closer to 4 or 5 minutes. Once again, she was quite fidgety but at least she didn’t talk. I imagine it would be hard to hold any position, even a comfortable one, for an extended period of time. The caveat is that I don’t think 5 minutes can be categorized as an extended period, especially for a woman who is fairly fit but just can’t sit still. But I was very pleased that she didn’t speak.

This was such a beautiful submissive position. I was sitting above her on the bed where I should be. The single candle light was flickering on one side of her face casting a dancing shadow on the other side. This was incredibly erotic. Absolutely beautiful! I didn’t even plan this but I ran my middle finger slowly, gently through her hair, around her ear, the left one I think, very slowly, across her jawline, around her chin. Again, I didn’t specifically plan this but placed the tip of my middle finger on her lower lip and pulled it down.

She reacted and adjusted. I was hoping she wouldn’t. I removed my finger from her lip and gently placed both of my hands on her shoulder and gently pushed her down. My intention was to calm her body. She adjusted her knees, no doubt because she was tired since she has been holding this position for a while. I didn’t know what to do. So I asked her to move to position #2 - ready. Knees apart, sitting on her heels, hands clasped behind her back pushing out her beautiful breasts. Once again, I had to correct the curvature of her back. Once again I placed my fingers of one hand under her chin, my other hand pressing her lower back forward to increase the arch. But at least she didn’t speak. That is a big improvement on it’s own. As underwhelming at that sounds, this is a huge improvement from last session. She is such a good girl! I can see that she is really trying to play this D/s game and please me.

This time, I was determined to give her more after-care even though as the evening proceeds, I would once again fail miserably at this rather simple task. Even without your wise counsel (remember this second session occurred before any of the above responses), I knew that she needed more after-care. I know this from our previous BDSM / bondage, pet-play prior to the start of our D/s play. I placed both of my hands on each cheek, stood up and kissed her on the forehead.

She was in a kneeling position and I was now standing up. My erect member was close to her mouth. I didn’t realize that at the time. With my hands still on her cheeks, she lifted her butt off her knees and reached her head towards my member which surprised me. She was doing so well until now. Determined not to make the same detrimental mistake as our first session, I simply clamped my hands rather firmly on her shoulders to push her bottom back down on her heels. She gave a little “ugh” sound. The metal rings on her new collar clinked. Both of which were intensely arousing! I kept my hands on her shoulder, gently pushing her down to keep her position on her knees. I wanted to calm her body.

Again, I didn’t specifically plan what I’m about to do. It is something spontaneous I did in the heat of the moment. While in a standing position and using my hands to keep her seated at my knees where she and all submissive women belong, I moved my member close to her mouth to tempt her but didn’t allow her to take it as I kept holding her shoulders down. I rattled the metal rings on her collar with my fingers so she can hear them clink. But this time, I didn’t tug on them. I hope to remind her she is wearing a training collar. I have a feeling she forgets every now and then.

At this point, I should mention that like many women, she loves providing oral services. She is very good at it and provides it willingly and vigorously. I wasn’t thinking of this in the heat of the moment, but now as I reflect on our second D/s session, it must have been mentally torturous to deny her of this pleasure while making her hold a slave position #2.

I should also mention that this position, on her knees, hands behind her back, sitting on her heels and myself standing above her is my absolute favorite position for receiving her oral services. She must have thought that this is where I was going and predicted my next move. That was not my intention. I didn’t really intend to stand up and kiss her forehead. I didn’t know my member would pass so close to her mouth when I stood up. I forgot that this is her usual position to provide oral services to me. I greatly enjoyed denying her that opportunity. Teasing her was fun! I can feel her holding herself back. The unpredictability of the impromptu actions and the result of those actions was intensely arousing and sensual!

I must have stood up and held her in that position with my hands on her shoulders for at least a few minutes with my member so close to her mouth. As I write this, I realize that nothing I’m doing that night was planned. I had a plan prior to the start of the evening but it’s all thrown out the window now. Having no experience with dominance, I was just making it up as I go.

I should have provided some more after-care at this point, well I didn’t. This is a mistake I would just keep on making. As I write this, I’m thinking that I’m going to pay for it dearly. I sat down again on the bed while she was holding slave position #2. Since the beginning of our dominance and submission journey, this has been my favorite position. I’m sitting above her on the bed where I belong. She is below me in a kneeling slave position, hands behind her back where she belongs. Waiting, eager, trying her best to obey, but failing. It is incredibly sensual to watch her try, but fail. Although I have no idea what it would be like to have a slave obey perfectly, I’m still going to argue it’s a whole lot more fun to watch a slave genuinely try, but falter. After all, this is all just for fun. I simply cannot find the words to describe how arousing it is to dominate the woman you love, the mother of your children, your soulmate in this way. Just sitting there on the bed, watching her submit sent blasts of electric shocks through my body. I can feel a tingly feeling in my finger tips, back of my neck, my member. It was ironic to have those feelings since to this point, I have not touched any of her lady parts. All these intense feelings and there was absolutely no sex involved! Incredible!

I corrected her back curvature once again. I held her chin up, pressed my hand against her back to arch it more, I commanded her to open her mouth more. She swallowed, I told her not to. Perhaps I shouldn’t have. I should have told her to keep her mouth open, even if she drools. That would have been fun! I let it go. I resumed where I left off. With my hand open, I placed my middle finger on the lower lip of her open mouth and pulled her lip down exposing her beautiful teeth. Again, not really planning any of this, I explored her mouth a bit with my finger. She held this position well and kept very silent. Good girl. I was very impressed. I slowly moved my finger down her chin, neck and placed my middle two fingers gently in her cleavage. She is still wearing the onesie with the button crotch and I forgot to take her bra off. Actually, I couldn't take the bra off without taking off the onesie. But the problem with taking off the onesie is that it’s pretty tight. First world problem? I massaged the area between her breasts at her cleavage. She breathed heavily and adjusted. I’m sure she felt kind of ticklish. But at least she didn’t speak. Seriously, this is a woman who cut short her own maternity leave so she can return to work so she can have someone else to talk to! So her silence, as underwhelming as it seems, is actually quite amazing. Still, she has a lot to learn on how to obey me. At least this time, I didn’t react or get angry. THAT I did on purpose.

I’m not sure how long I had my fingers in her cleavage. In hindsight, this would have been the perfect opportunity to grab her hair (relax! I pull her hair a lot and have been for many years), pull her head back forcibly and plant her a passionate kiss as a reward. She would have loved that! But of course, I didn’t think of it at the time. I kept massaging her breasts with two fingers. I could feel her body gently squirm preparing for what she is anticipating, wishing. But it won’t happen. So erotic! I actually have no idea how long we did this for. The act of sitting above her as her dominant husband, her submissive position on her knees, again there was hardly any sex involved but it was just so sensual beyong words!

I’m really not sure where I’m getting these ideas. I didn’t see this in a video or read about it. I took my other hand, put the tip of my index finger partly in her mouth and commanded her to suck on it. She did. I put the same finger on her lips just above my fingernail and asked her to suck and lick it. She did. I told her to kiss and lick the palm of my hand, then the back of my hand. She did. I kept massaging her cleavage. Time was lost, I have no idea how long it has been. 20 years of having sex with the same woman, I would have to say that this is the absolute most erotic moment of my life. I simply cannot find the English words to describe how sensual it was! And there was no real sex involved. Amazing!

I had enough.

I stood up. My member approached her mouth. She unclasped her hand from behind her back in anticipation of what she thought was going to happen next. I gently put her hands behind her back again and commanded her to behave herself. This would have been another great opportunity to provide some care via a kiss. Dammit what is wrong with me? Or at least some verbal reinforcement. Why do I keep forgetting? I pulled my fully erect member to the side and commanded her to lick and suck the base of it where it met my pelvis. She did. Again I lost track of how long she performed this service for me. But I was rather impressed that she didn’t try to help herself with the rest of my member.

I told her we’re done. We can remove the collar and have sex now. Again this would have been a great place to provide some aftercare or at least verbal reinforcement. Seriously what is wrong with me that I can’t provide more slave care? Do I not love her enough? What the hell is wrong with me?

She said “That’s it?” I purposely didn’t allow her to take my member. I believe this is the first time I denied this to her. She was denied that pleasure on purpose. To reflect on this, not only did I deny her orally taking my member, I made her wait, teased her, then made her wait again and now I’m going to completely deny her? Really? What is wrong with me that I can’t figure out that is beyond unfair. Honestly, it’s just cruel. I’m so disappointed in myself. Especially considering the massive effort my lovely slave wife is putting into this second session. Being the dumbass that I am, I said “Yes, thats it, you haven’t been a good enough girl”. What a bunch of crap! I am a complete embarrassment to the D/s community. I’m so far from being a real Dom it isn’t funny. I shouldn’t do this anymore. Those words should not have left my mouth. Once again, I’m on the borderline of going too far. I couldn’t change my mind. How would that sound? “Oh wait hun, change my mind, here you go.”

Again not planned, I told her that if she wants to suck my member, then I’ll teach her one additional slave position, give her a spanking, I’ll call it even and she can suck me. She agreed. I’m so embarrassed to even write this. What a bunch of crap. I’m sure you experienced D/s’s are just keeling over with laughter right now. I should be banned from Literotica!

I kept the collar on her. I taught her what I consider the next easiest slave position, #6 - Pod - knees apart on the floor, face on the floor, arms on the floor beside her head. She moved to this position eagerly, I’m guessing because she wants the prize. Or perhaps she knows this is almost over and wants it to end. As she bent over, the onesie pulled itself tight almost to a wedgie. Ducking down, watching her camel toe appear as she bent over was just one of the hottest things I’ve ever seen! I unbuttoned her crotch exposing the rest of her ass and pussy and proceeded to spank her with my bare hand as I kept my other hand around the back of her neck. Unfortunately, her ass doesn’t redden much anymore. I’m guessing that ass is accustomed to all of that spank-play over the years. I don’t want to spank her too hard of course. Poor girl. Or lucky girl?

I put her back in slave position #2. At this time, I had completely lost track of time. At the risk of making another big mistake, I allowed here to fully take my member. But I only gave her 60 seconds to suck me. Again, completely unfair and a bad idea. What was I thinking? I pulled back. She pulled forward. I lowered myself. If there is one saving grace, at least I had the clarity of mind that she needs a huge hug and a big kiss for making a such a big effort and completing this second D/s session. My Lit mentor suggested that she was to have that she will have sex with me not as my wife, but as my slave while wearing a collar. I didn’t think it was time to do that. I removed her collar and proceed to have sex as we normally would.

So far, our amateur venture into the world of dominance and submission has little success and a lot of mistakes, especially on my part as the dominant. I’m starting to understand how difficult this is for my poor wife who loves me so much she is willing to put up with this D/s play for me. I can see now that I’ve set her up for failure. To ask a woman who can’t stop fidgeting or talking to assume a slave position in complete silence is unrealistic, perhaps cruel. But of course, this is nothing more than sexy fun. Watching her try to obey but falter was simply arousing beyond words. Perhaps it is actually the mistakes that made the first two D/s nights so exciting! And so concludes our second D/s session. No crying this time.

 

[Justplatonic]

Sorry. I used a slang term that I had to ask about.. PYL /pyl is "Pick Your Label / pick your label.

It means different people use different terms for Dom and sub, indicated by Upper and lower case letters. You commonly see W/we, referring to the couple.

We, the denizens of the Cafe are the "pervs"

Sensory Deprivation relies on the Dom giving pleasure to the sub in whatever form he/she likes it best. Food play (see 9 1/2 Weeks) and heat play (wax and ice) fit nicely as well as anything involving varying touch. This is where I learned how versatile a flogger can be, from gentle caress (with the scent of leather) to stinging impact. But start slowly if you've never used one. It's a step up from spanking. You need to practice, and learn first hand what an impact tool will do. (on yourself)

You should research SSC (Safe, Sane and Consentual) and RACK (Risk Assured Consentual Kink) while youre googling the other stuff. It just means "play safe", but thee are nuances.

Have fun. Keep this going.

 

[Justplatonic]

Silencing people can be a fun part of BDSM, but if you're doing it, need to give some thought to how you're going to communicate when necessary, especially while exploring new things.



Yeah, it's good to have a safeword, but it's also good to have some room for nuance in between "bring this scene crashing to a halt right now" and "having the time of my life, don't stop". As you've noticed, people can be reluctant to spoil their partner's fun and may make martyrs of themselves, which isn't a great idea.

It's hard to give universal advice because this kind of thing depends both on the physical logistics of the play (what kind of signals might the pyl need to give, what signals CAN they give?) and also on what's in both of your heads - one couple's normal in-scene communication might ruin things completely for another.

I'm fond of positive assent, which turns the safeword concept upside down - instead of silence meaning "go on", the pyl has to indicate that they're okay with it. "Squeeze my hand if you're ready to continue", for instance. My story "Counting to Eleven"

For role-play-type situations, sometimes it works to establish a "scene" tone ("HA HA HA I HAVE YOU IN MY POWER, WENCH") vs. a "checking in" tone (e.g. a quiet "how you doing there?")

And another option is to expand things slowly, add a little bit each time and then talk afterwards about how it went for both of you.

If you've been with your partner a long time, you will hopefully have some experience reading her moods, and that can help a lot. But especially for new territory it's still important to communicate.

(obligatory chorus of "not 50 Shades!" goes here)



That's not in the top 1000 of "things Bramble wouldn't believe". I've played with some very kinky Christians in my time.



They are, but there are different styles of fantasy.

A lot of the BDSM stories here are pure wish-fulfilment, the BDSM equivalent of "and then I won the lottery and everybody wanted to fuck me". Everybody's a mind-reader and has a bajillion dollars to spend on their sex dungeon, that kind of thing. A good deal of commercially published "BDSM" fiction is in the same category.

OTOH, there are also stories here that are closer to how healthy BDSM can work IRL. I'd nominate my own stories "Counting to Eleven" and "Anjali's Red Scarf" as stories that incorporate what I'd consider realistic styles of communication around BDSM scenes, both during the scene and outside it. Kumquatqueen also writes a bunch of good BDSM-themed stories that include realistic levels of communication, and I expect other posters here can point to more.

(My "The Floggings Will Continue..." is also kind of BDSM-themed, I guess, but dysfunctional; among other things, it's about what happens when people remember consent but forget care.)

 

[Justplatonic]

May I suggest that you do some more research/learning about D/s before you continue?

May I suggest that you have a huge amount of communicating to do with your wife if you have any hope of this working.

Your expectation that she be perfect and silent for her first training, when it sounds like she didn't even know what would be expected of her, nor had she been part of a negotiation of what this D/s relationship might look like/entail before she agreed, was unreasonable.

Please look up the difference between punishment and funishment. It appears that you may have confused the two based on your assumption, before it even started, that this first session would include punishment.

Wondering where you got your expectations of what a D/s relationship looks like. (No need to answer.)

People often giggle, fidget, even smile and laugh when they're nervous. It's involuntary. This can happen despite their trying to please.

Tops/Doms don't always need to demand. A simple request can mean the same thing.

Did your wife understand that training meant being put into various positions?

This should be a huge learning experience for both of you. That requires negotiations up front, feedback during, and discussion after. Perfection, and punishment when it doesn't happen, is an unrealistic expectation.

This is just the tip of the iceberg of my thoughts/questions. I'm trying to be constructive, since you've been vulnerable in sharing this, especially knowing it didn't go well, but if this had been my first D/s experience, there would be so much talking before I would even consider there being another.

 

[77fbird400]

D/s session #3 - BRAT!

Non-fiction

Just a reminder that this thread is a journal of our first experiences in this world of dominance and submission. So the experiences described here are real. There is no fiction or embellishment whatsoever. Please don’t expect it to be as exciting as a Lit story.

So we had a completely unplanned, mini D/s session last night. It was a short one but it was so fun!

Here is a bit of a back story.

Today (actually yesterday) was Friday. I was looking at all of the women at work wondering what they would look like with my member in their mouth. I was pretty horny all day. I was kind of aching for some head. I usually sext (text) my wife and ask her if it’s OK to get some head but I was so busy at work that I couldn’t even do that.

I really love doing what I’m about to do. I got home a bit late from work, brushed my teeth (she always likes a fresh mouth so I brush / rinse a lot b/c we kiss and generally lick each other a lot) and approached her from behind. She was in the kitchen and by the time I got home, she already had 4 dishes prepared - salmon, stir fry vegs with beef strips, 3 gigantic steaks (girls split one, boys eat like a horse so they get one each) and another veg stir fry just for the two of us. What a woman! So I do this a lot. I grabbed her arm, unhanded her kitchen utensils, spun her around, roughly pulled her hair back and planted a huge tongue-y kiss. Relax, I pull her hair a lot, she loves it! Then I pushed her head below my chin and hugged her while her food was burning. LOL I whispered in her ear that I would like to get some head tonight. She nodded obediently in the small of my neck. I love that! I know she’s working tomorrow, so I figure just head, no sex. Again when you’ve had sex with the same woman for 20 years, you know her well. I also know that about 70% of the time when the intention is just oral sex, it leads to full on penetrative sex. She pulled her head back and looked up at me with her probing grey-ish blue eyes and asked if she should wear the collar. Well I wasn’t going to waste time with that, but since she asked I said, yes. She will wear the training collar. We’ll do a quick D/s thing tonight. Why not?

So fast forward to late night.

We often sleep in separate rooms. She likes to read at night, I like to work out while I watch a movie, or watch music videos. She is an early sleeper and I’m a night owl. As I mentioned previously, our daughters are already accustomed to entering our master bedroom without knocking and using the washroom in the master bedroom anytime they please. As a father, I just can’t say no to my daughters. Can you? Perhaps you can relate. I probably should start saying no to my girls one day. So when we have sex (with my wife that is haha, get your mind out of the gutter!), it’s usually in the spare bedroom.

Because our children are teenagers and they can stay up to the wee hours of the morning, we usually wait until 1:30AM or 2AM to start sex. And if one of them are still up while we’re having sex, we figure it isn’t a bad thing for teenagers to know that sex is a healthy part of a comitted relationship. So I usually set my alarm to 1:20AM or so. Well, I forgot to do that. I wasn’t entirely serious about needing head that night. This is not surprising because I do forget to set the alarm quite frequently. She came into the spare bedroom last night just after 2AM, I was full on sleeping. What a good girl. I love her!

“You forgot to set the alarm again”

“Haha, yea, I’ll take a shower”

Before sex, she always showers, shaves and brushes her teeth. Her body is always pristine! She expects the same from me and I’m more than happy to oblige. I always shower and brush right before sex but I don’t shave my junk as closely as her. When I got back, she showed me her blue sexy panties and my favorite bra - a black pushup bra.

She sat up on the bed, back straight. I buttoned her collar on again with the two metal rings and clinked them around a bit with my finger. This time, I was able to do it rather smoothly and didn’t require help from her I placed the pillow in the floor again and asked her to take position #2, on her knees, hands behind her back and back arched. She did a pretty good job. I was thinking it was the end of the work week, I’m just too tired to play a full on D/s game. I didn’t feel like reminding her of the rules or even enforcing them too much. I learned so much from the responses in this thread. I even took notes. I just didn’t feel like playing the D/s game like it’s a competitive chess match..After all, this is just fun sex play and the bottom line is that I really don’t care, I just want to have fun tonight and keep the D/s light and fluffy

I couldn’t wait to get my member sucked but at least this time, I remembered to give plenty of after care. I mean LOTS! While on her knees and hands behind her back, I put both my hands on her cheeks, tilted her chin up and planted a huge, sloppy, kiss with lots of tongue. I can feel her body adjust and react, she absolutely loves being kissed! As I can feel her wiggling around, I clamped down on her face rather hard and continued to kiss her. I know she loves the feeling of being forced, losing control, not having a choice. In turn, she knows she is safe with me.

I couldn’t wait any more. She was just so incredibly gorgeous sitting in this slave position, waiting for orders, waiting and eager to please. I let her suck my member and she did so with great enthusiasm. Remembering to provide tons of care, I made a point to stop every minute or so to kiss and lick her mouth clean. I also want to taste my own member. This is what I usually do only now, she is wearing a collar and I’m trying to layer D/s play ontop of regular oral sex.

I just thought of something, when I’m in her mouth, she can’t talk. Hmmm… regardless, she did a wonderful job of holding slave position #2 and providing oral services to me. I really enjoyed providing care cleaning her mouth with my tongue. Every now and then, I would pull on the collar, clink the rings, pull her hair, massage her breasts. I decided not to spank her that night while she was performing oral. I have a long reaching ruler and flogger that I can spank her ass when she is giving me head. I didn’t do that. But I did want to induce some pain. So in lieu of spanking, I pinched and twisted her left nipple enough just to make her squirm and make a bit of noise a bit while sucking my member.

We only did that for maybe 10-15 minutes or so. I pulled back and she pulled forward. I pulled her hair back and down to seat her on her heels again. I should have issued a command or reminded her of the rules. But again, I just wasn’t in the mood for a full D/s thing tonight. Still, she needs to obey and be a good girl. Now seated back in slave position #2 and relaxed, I pulled her hair back and lifted her chin and just looked at her with admiration and affection from a standing position. I want this image fixed in my memory. So beautiful!

Brat!

I told her that as a reward for her oral services, I would spank her 10 times. I leaned her tummy over the bed with her legs bent down. I pulled down her panties. She is to count to 10. I’ve never done that before to her, super kinky! But I thought that this is a pretty easy command for a woman who can’t shutup. Guess what, she refused! I thought well, she’s wearing the training collar she can’t do that! But at this point, I really didn’t care, it has been a long and strenuous work week. I repeated my command - count as you get spanked. She refused again! What an absolute BRAT! So I said then I’m going to spank you until I feel you’re a good girl and I’m going to spank you hard. She didn’t say anything. I find it amazing that of all times she shuts her mouth, it’s now! She is definitely playing the brat card! She has done that before outside of D/s play. The brat card is refusing commands on purpose knowing she would have to face the consequence. Honestly, how fun would D/s be if your slave was absolutely perfectly obedient? If I’m right, then she is responding and starting to play this D/s game with me. What an unexpected surprise! How exciting!.

I was good on my word. With her panties at mid thigh, I spanked her a lot harder than I normally would. I held her arms behind her back and pushed down to restrain her as she lies across the midsection of the bed with her knees on the floor. Her ass usually doesn’t redden up that much anymore because I spank her a lot, pretty much every time we have sex. But now that I’m keeping my word and spanking her harder, her ass did turn a nice rose color, so beautiful! In fact, I can feel my hand turning a bit red too. It is so erotic to see her squirming to avoid the spanking. It is incredibly arousing to spank a woman you love so much with your bare hands! I stopped every now and then to rub her bare kitty and her poor ass. I’ve know from long ago that when dealing pain, it’s important to mix pleasure into the sex play. I know she’s aroused but she wasn’t too wet actually, but that is because she is past her ovulation and her period is approaching. We use the natural and cycle method of birth control and have been doing it successfully since our youngest daughter was born.

I don’t even know if you can call it a D/s session. Neither of us were too serious about the rules. But even if it was a full-on D/s session, this is all just sexy fun But to conclude our session, I pulled her panties back up, pulled her back into a kneeling position, grabbed a handful of hair and pulled her to a standing position while on her knees, grabbed the back of her neck, kissed her deeply, hugged her for what seems like an eternity, rubbed her sore bottom with my free hand, spanked her lightly and took off her collar. And so concluded our third D/s session.

##################

Her collar is off and we’re in bed now. As I suspected, she wanted me to give her oral, she knows I enjoy giving her oral more than receiving it. This is not to downgrade her oral skills, she’s amazing! But man, I love eating her kitty! Then she wanted to have sex. I said that well she has to go to work in a few hours. She wanted sex. At this point, I should mention that my Lit mentor who has been guiding me via PM suggested that I need to f*** her as a slave with the collar on. He told me that when she is wearing the collar, I am to f**k her and not make love to her. He explained that sex with the collar on should be a marked difference than without it. But I wasn’t ready to do that yet. I need to think it through because rough sex is already a normal part of our sex play, so how do I differentiate between normal sex sans collar and sex with a collar. Another first world problem? I think so. Besides, my mentor is in a full time D/s relationship where as our D/s play is just fun sex and nothing more.

She wanted her sex rough and vigorous that night. She didn’t tell me that, but I can tell from her reactions that she wants to be held down and forcibly taken. This is her preference perhaps 75% of the time. I’m always happy to do whatever pleases my wife. She had two orgasms, one from oral, and one from penetrative sex.

 

[ultramarineblue]

A demo is just a demonstration. I've gone to a few events hosted by people that attend the munches somewhat in the area. At the event, people could have a scene with their partners. Some may also demonstrates various techniques. For me it was a very safe way to learn more about different types of play.

I had a partner that thought he knew me very well. We were together for over ten years. The relationship started with communication as that's a typical way to get to know one another. What pretty much ended it was that communication fell by the wayside. He assumed that he knew how I would respond and everything became about only what he was interested in doing. I tried several times to get communication going again but it remained very superficial. That's just my experience in a much shorter relationship.

After it is all over, she end up absolutely loving it without much communication. Negotiation is a main factor in BDSM, kink, and d/s, etc. If you don't talk to her about what some of the things mean before hand outside of the scene, she has no idea what you're really excepting. You've mentioned she really enjoys pleasing you. You're not giving her a chance to really do that if you're not talking about what everything means and is expected. Yes, it is awkward and difficult, especially if you've never done that before but if you want to quit making mistakes, it's necessary.

Also want to throw out there that I don't really do traditional aftercare. I don't really need it. I like cuddles and all but I'm just as good going about my day. The one thing I have to have is checking in via email or message. At minimum it's just everything was great, thanks for the great time. Other times we talk about what went really well and sometimes even how it could have been better. I would be completely broken if I thought I had done awful especially if I had no idea what I had to do. Another thing is my partners don't do the slave poses with me. I'm just telling you this because it doesn't mean it isn't d/s even though we don't do them. I do have some rules that I follow completely. All that being said, my experiences are with partners with whom I'm friends with but not in long term relationships with. It's been going on a little over 4 years and works very well for us.

All of that is to say, there isn't one right way or wrong way. The thing that holds all the good and the sometimes not great sessions together is communication. I've had a couple of not great sessions and I communicated a lot after them. I've had seasons where I felt like I failed to find out that I hadn't but that I was being pushed. I'm so much happier knowing that, actually knowing that without guessing at it.

You've received some solid advice. Please incorporate more communication. Do it via email if you need to.

 

[KimGordon67]

I find this very confusing:

"Even before all of your wonderful advice, my Lit mentor (a full time Dom) whom I’ve been communicating with via PM suggested that I follow up with her which I did. But I did it in my own way. The next morning after our first D/s session, she was very happy, spunky, jovial and affectionate with me. Probably like you, most of the times we have sex it is a 10-50 minute quickie. Once in a while, perhaps once a week, it is an extended sex night that last a lot longer, often the entire night. We have to do this in the wee hours of the morning because we have teenage children. Our first D/s session was an extended sex night even though the entire D/s session lasted perhaps 30 mins. On these nights we usually start around 2:30AM trying to wait until all the teens are sleeping. We often do not finish until 6 or 6:30AM leaving little or no time for further sleep. To pull this off, we try to sleep that night by 9-9:30PM. The teens can take care of themselves

As I mentioned the next morning after our first D/s play, she was flirty and frisky, more than usual. She even teased that we could have sex again in a couple of days. Not only that, she actually woke up before any of us and made a really nice pancake family breakfast with spam (yum!), eggs, fried potatoes and what I call “leftover omelette”. She even made the eggs how we each liked them. Poor woman. We all like our eggs a bit different!

I woke up before our children. I do this often. Brushed my teeth. We kiss a lot so oral hygiene is important. I approached her from behind as she’s cooking, roughly grabbed her robe, she yelped not knowing I was there, unhanded her cooking implements, spun her around, she complained, I ignored, grabbed a handful of hair, roughly pulled her head back, planted a big kiss, and forced her to hug me by I burying her face between my shoulder and neck. Still grabbing a handful of hair, I held her head in that position as I tried to convey through touch and affection and without words that I love her dearly, she is valued and respected, and that I am sorry for what I did to her last night. I know from experience that this simple action would pay for itself later and it would. I released her hair, placed both of my hands on her cheeks, tilted her chin up towards mine and gave her another kiss while the scrambled eggs burned. She’s now pissed off at me, in a good way! Note to self: she’ll give me the burned eggs, so next time I should take them OFF the stove before doing this. If you haven’t guessed already, she is a woman who loves to feel forced. She has never told me that, I just know it. A lot of our sex play, even outside of BDSM and S/m is based on forced sex. She is also an old fashioned woman who also appreciates romance and chivalry. I’m happy to oblige on all fronts at every possible opportunity."​

What you describe here doesn't really feel like 'following up with her' at all. Apparently your actions have conveyed to her "that I love her dearly, she is valued and respected, and that I am sorry for what I did to her last night." ... that's still not finding out what SHE thinks, how SHE feels.

I'm not sure why you don't want to hear the voices of people who come from the s side of the d/s equation - including that of your wife. When I've been in these situations, I'm dying to know how things feel for the in-charge person, what they're getting out of it, what they enjoyed, what they'd like to do again, what didn't really work for them. It's only by knowing this stuff that I can make any further experiences better for them - for THEM, not according to some hypothetical ideal.

I'm also puzzled as to why you're putting so much faith in this mentor. How do you know he's 'right', when the advice he's giving you seems so counter to what everyone else in this thread has said?

You seem to really care about her wife, but find talking with her about sex difficult. I've kind of been in that position myself, but it was regarding very vanilla sex ... as Bramble noted earlier, there's sort of a script for that, so it was in some respects 'easier' to not talk about it. But the d/s stuff is different territory. (Also, related to that - I was with my husband for 20 years, and he really loved me and knew me really well, but trust me, he had NO idea what was going on my head a lot of the time. If he'd actually instigated a conversation, things might have been a bit better between us, but he hated talking about sex, and it was almost impossible for me to bring the topic up with him, so it never happened.)

Please just actually talk with her. What's the worst that could happen - it'll be a bit awkward? Is that worse than finding out six months down the track that your wife really wanted something different, but couldn't find a way to say that?

 

[wicked woman]

I'm also puzzled as to why you're putting so much faith in this mentor. How do you know he's 'right', when the advice he's giving you seems so counter to what everyone else in this thread has said?

...

I'm not sure why you don't want to hear the voices of people who come from the s side of the d/s equation - including that of your wife.

...

Please just actually talk with her. What's the worst that could happen - it'll be a bit awkward? Is that worse than finding out six months down the track that your wife really wanted something different, but couldn't find a way to say that?

Thank you for asking the question about the mentor. I couldn't find it within myself to ask this politely.

While the OP appears to want and appreciate our advice, I've come to the conclusion that he has an idea in his head about how D/s will be for him and his wife...what it entails, how it will be done/communicated... that is completely foreign to what it is for me, that I'm no longer interested in spending the time to try to offer advice.

I read and cringe. Part of me wants to explain the inner workings of a lot of subs' minds and how badly we want to please our D, how hard we try to do so, how important the good feedback is, how crushing just the idea of disappointing our D is let alone actually doing it, and how gut wrenching it is to be punished when you've tried your best. But I'm not reading that it's worth my time.

So I'm wishing the OP and his wife well on their journey, but I'm not holding my breath. Going to treat this like a journal...which is what the OP said it was, before we saw it as a need for lots of advice.

 

[77fbird400]

Thank you for the time you took to share your advice! I appreciate it a lot!

A demo is just a demonstration. I've gone to a few events hosted by people that attend the munches somewhat in the area. At the event, people could have a scene with their partners. Some may also demonstrates various techniques. For me it was a very safe way to learn more about different types of play.

Sounds like fun! Neither my wife or I are interested in sharing with anyone else. Unfortunately my position at work is rather public and it would be a disaster if I were identified. That is why I chose this form of communication technology. I should mention, I use a VPN as well.

I had a partner that thought he knew me very well. We were together for over ten years. The relationship started with communication as that's a typical way to get to know one another. What pretty much ended it was that communication fell by the wayside. He assumed that he knew how I would respond and everything became about only what he was interested in doing. I tried several times to get communication going again but it remained very superficial. That's just my experience in a much shorter relationship.

Communication x 100, I’m making a HUGE effort to improve my communication with my wife about D/s play. It isn’t like sex which is fairly mindless compared to D/s play. I don’t need to communicate with her about sex. But I understand now that communication in D/s play is essential if there is any chance it will continue. But I don’t want to move too fast either. In fact, I may not do another D/s thing for another week or two. It’s been three in a row now, time to give it a rest.

After it is all over, she end up absolutely loving it without much communication. Negotiation is a main factor in BDSM, kink, and d/s, etc. If you don't talk to her about what some of the things mean before hand outside of the scene, she has no idea what you're really excepting. You've mentioned she really enjoys pleasing you. You're not giving her a chance to really do that if you're not talking about what everything means and is expected. Yes, it is awkward and difficult, especially if you've never done that before but if you want to quit making mistakes, it's necessary.

To be honest, the mistakes we’re both making is kind of fun! Remember for us, this is sex-play, we’re not doing this for real. I don’t really want to enslave my wife full time. I should mention that we engage in other scenarios during sex as well as cosplay. However the more “real” the scenario, the more pleasure we attain from playing it out.

Also want to throw out there that I don't really do traditional aftercare. I don't really need it. I like cuddles and all but I'm just as good going about my day. The one thing I have to have is checking in via email or message. At minimum it's just everything was great, thanks for the great time. Other times we talk about what went really well and sometimes even how it could have been better. I would be completely broken if I thought I had done awful especially if I had no idea what I had to do. Another thing is my partners don't do the slave poses with me. I'm just telling you this because it doesn't mean it isn't d/s even though we don't do them. I do have some rules that I follow completely. All that being said, my experiences are with partners with whom I'm friends with but not in long term relationships with. It's been going on a little over 4 years and works very well for us.

Well my wife really does enjoy after-care after a night of “tough” sex. We’ll usually have one night of intense sex play, then the next night we may have sex again but it is slow, senual. I imagine it is something like the scenes out to the romantic novels she likes to read. Basically, it is an entire night of after care.

The slave position is a story I read on Lit. I wish I can find it again, but for some reason I can’t seem to login to the Literotica story website with this account, I’m not sure why. Figure it out later haha

My wife and I have been married now for 18 years and known each other for 3 years before that. So actually it’s been over 20 years. We’ve had very few sexual partners other than each other. So I have no idea what it is like to have multiple partners, a fling, a 3some, group, swing etc… so in a sense, if I don’t know what I’m missing, I’m not missing anything at all. I’d like to keep it that way

All of that is to say, there isn't one right way or wrong way. The thing that holds all the good and the sometimes not great sessions together is communication. I've had a couple of not great sessions and I communicated a lot after them. I've had seasons where I felt like I failed to find out that I hadn't but that I was being pushed. I'm so much happier knowing that, actually knowing that without guessing at it.

You've received some solid advice. Please incorporate more communication. Do it via email if you need to.

I usually use SMS / text to communicate. I find that she is more honest with me via text as she does not have to deny me in person. I hate to admit this, but as an upper manager, when I want to drive home a point or convince someone more strongly to do something, I’ll meet with them in person. I know it is harder for my employees to deny me face to face. Same with my wife. It’s easier for her to say “NO” to me via SMS / text.

Question: it sounds like you submit to various people over a short term. In the privacy of their own residence or BDSM place, how do you know you can trust them if you haven’t known them for a long period of time?

Thank you again for your sage advice. I am trying very hard to improve communication with my wife with regards to this D/s play. But also, I don’t want to move too fast.

That was not my biggest worry though. It was the reason for the punishment.
As I said, getting punished when you already tried your best and put yourself out there will not work for everyone.
Think about it. Preferably talk about how she feels about it.
For me it would cause real resentment that would cause relationship issues and I know I’m not alone in feeling that way. Only your wife can tell you how she would feel.

Understood. There is a difference between being punished because of a lack of effort vs disobedience. To be honest Iris, my wife really holds all of the power in D/s, not me. She can call this off at any time and I’ll stop it immediately. But it is more complicated than that. I don’t think she will because she loves me and wants to see me happy. So even if she says it is OK, I can’t always trust that. I’m not sure if that makes any sense whatsoever. But the bottom line is that for us, D/s play is just a sex game. It is very complicated, much more complicated than when she dresses up like a maid (very hot), or when she’s my dog (super hot!). Remember, I’ve known her for 21 years now.

The point I was trying to make with my question about if it was a wonderful experience for you wife is that you seem to extrapolate your views and feelings of the to be your wife's as well.

You are entirely correct. I will pay much more attention to her feelings now. I just can’t trust her words or feelings because I know she likes to make me happy.

Yet you described her crying and withdrawing from you etc. And afterwards you've written that she only did it to please you. So there's a big juxtaposition there.

It's the juxtapositions like that that make at least me a little weary and question this set up a little. I feel like your wife didn't really have a lot of say in all of this and didn't really know where she was headed, didn't have that great an experience, yet you say it was a wonderful experience for you (plural).

You are entirely correct again. Those tears were real. Well I did ask her, and she said yes prior to our first D/s play. But she says yes all the time. I hate to bring gender into this, but when a man says yes or no, I feel he means YES or NO. When you ask a woman, “should I get you anything for your birthday because you return the thing I got you last year”. And she says “No, dont need to get me anything”. That is simply not true and any man who believes that is an idiot.

Crying afterwards and doing something just to please your partner is legit and can be a part of bdsm play. I've done both and some of my fondest experiences revolve around those two things. But I think the difference between me in that situation and your wife in that situation is that I knew that it was a part of the game, it wasn't the first time I was doing D/s things.

I see it the same way. But I’m not claiming our first D/s session is a success. In fact, in my 40’s now, I’ve done a lot of new things. I can’t say I’ve ever done anything for the first time that worked out perfectly.

To be honest, her crying was both highly disturbing in that I don’t remember the last time I made her cry in anguish. But it was also oddly arousing. The mixture of guilt and pleasure was a feeling I don’t believe I’ve experienced before. I wanted to journal that experience in detail since it was such a unique experience. I’d like to remember it myself as well.

Once more, communicate. Talk about your (both of you) expectations, don't be so dead set on doing what you think D/s should look like, involve your wife in the process. Fantasize together and figure out where your limits lie before going in and poking at things. When you've been with someone for a long time, you know how to read their body, but it doesn't mean you know everything that goes in their head. So... Talking is good, even though you know her really well.

I’ve been makin a huge effort to communicate more since receiving all of these responses. I’ve asked her if there is something I can to make D/s pay more enjoyable for her. But she keeps coming back to the response.

Talking about sex is kind of difficult with four teenagers around haha. Even behind closed doors it feels weird to talk about sex. Even though its slower, I feel she can be more honest with me through SMS / text. She can think about her response before she communicates it and doesn’t see my facial or body language. I think it’s easier for her to say NO to me if needed via SMS / text for that reason.

Thank you for your response, you really made me think.

Yep. Different people have hugely different ideas about what counts as severe and scary play.

BDSM incorporates B&D, D&S, and S&M. Domination and submission can be part of BDSM though it's not part of everybody's play.

I'd class humiliation more under D&S than S&M, but others might draw that line differently.

Sounds like the line is a quite a fuzzy one. Well it’s all just consensual and fun sex play.

Well in the last 12+ years we’ve been spanking, BDSM, bondage, ropes, cuffs etc… we’ve never had a safeword. I simply don’t trust she’ll use it in the heat of sex. I’m usually the instigator when it comes to trying something new and … well, dirty. After over 20 years of sex with the same person, I just know her very well.

And trust me, she has no issue about telling me if I’ve hit a hard point. For example, we engage in pet girl training and have been doing that for a while. This is way before we started D/s play (only a few days ago as of this writing). She’ll let me put her on a doggie collar (one made for women, comfortable) and leash. She’ll walk around in a leash, play fetch, heel, beg. I’ll hold her neck and face to the floor with one hand and spank her with my other hand etc… She’ll also eat a certain bodily fluid (from me) out of my hands or a dish from the kitchen. So I figure, I’ll get her a proper dog dish. Well she freaked out on me! Heck I couldn’t even return the doggie dish I was afraid to even look at it!

Keep this in mind. Yes, you learn a lot about somebody after twenty years with them, but there's always room to learn more. I've been with my partner since the Clinton administration and we routinely finish one another's sentences, but when it comes to BDSM-type stuff I still check in now and then to make sure she's okay with stuff.



These conversations do feel weird at first. But they get a lot easier with practice, and in my experience it's really important to be able to talk about this stuff. All the love and good intentions in the world do not make us telepathic.

In a vanilla relationship, there are some fairly standard defaults about sex: people tend to assume that if you're married to somebody, you will be available for sex with your spouse reasonably often (for some value of "reasonably often") and not with everybody else. Certain activities can be assumed to be part of the Standard Package, and others are definitely non-standard, with a few that are grey areas.

If both partners are happy with those standard rules, then you can get away without ever talking about sex. You just stick to the social-standard package deal and you're okay.

.

That is funny what you said about a “standard sex package”. So you’re lining up for your marriage certificate, and the clerk at city hall hands you over this standard sex package.

“Here’s a standard marraige sex package, if you want more you’ll need to discuss it yourselves”

Hilarious, you describe it like insurance. Here is the base rate, and you want more then you can add more!

I’ll take it all!

lol

But if you want to explore beyond that, BDSM or polyamory or various other ways in which people can depart from the package deal... you don't have that standard model to fall back on. There is so much more potential for catastrophic mismatch of expectations.

Sooooo much, though the quality is very variable. There are non-fiction how-to-s (I think we've had a few threads about BDSM resources before on this forum), there are picture books, there are novels. Overall, most fall into the "escapist fantasy" category, but there are realistic stories too.

*checks watch*

.

Nope, didn’t know there was such thing as professionally written BDSM books, picture books etc… I see there are a lot of choices out there. Do you have a suggest website or online resource I can try? I don’t think I can order any printed materials. I’m a bit embarrassed to be seen with such materials to be perfectly honest.

oh look, time for my weekly plug for Stjepan Šejić's "Sunstone" graphic novels. Gorgeously drawn, sexy, funny, and in my experience pretty true to the vibe of BDSM between a couple who care about one another.
.

LOL I can’t wait to check it out!

Forgiveness is an essential part of a healthy long-term relationship, but it's something one needs to avoid leaning on more than necessary. In my book, a prerequisite for forgiveness is contrition, and contrition isn't consistent with the intention to continue doing things that will require forgiveness.

And that's fine. I think a lot of people make the mistake of going into BDSM with the mindset that more is better, that the end goal is to work up to doing all the hardcore things they've seen in porn. But none of that is obligatory. It's fine to decide that one likes this stuff, and not that stuff, and maybe ask me again about that other stuff in a couple of years.

I’ve already learned that porn is a bad place to be taking examples for BDSM D/s play. I like reading BDSM D/s stories right here on lit. I feel that it is mostly women that write these D/s stories which are likely based on their BDSM D/s fantasies. Most of my BDSM D/s play are based on those kinds of stories. I’m reading several of yours BTW

You've been together 20 years. It sounds like you intend to be together another 40 or so. It might be worth thinking about how long you can sustain a cycle that involves repeatedly pushing hard limits, and what the end of that cycle looks like.

Human psyches are funny things. Sometimes when one pushes on something uncomfortable, one overcomes the discomfort and expands one's comfort zone. But sometimes, strain accumulates, like an athlete powering their way towards a crippling stress fracture. The fact that she loves you enough to allow this is not necessarily a sign that you should keep on pushing.

Funny you mentioned that. I was thinking the same thing. It seems my wife and I are always looking for something new, bypassing our own sexual boundaries in an attempt to keep things fresh and interesting. Being strictly monogamous, we don’t have the benefit of a swing group, cucks, threesomes etc… Well it hasn’t been a problem so far and it’s been 20 years. Maybe this is a non-issue? I figure, lets not worry about something that isn’t a problem. But I do agree, this could be a figure issue. If we get doing on D/s play and it becomes a regular part of our sex play, what’s next? I feel we’ve already taken BDSM and rough sex play almost as far as we can go without diving into some real grey areas which I don’t even want to mention.

Sorry. I used a slang term that I had to ask about.. PYL /pyl is "Pick Your Label / pick your label.

It means different people use different terms for Dom and sub, indicated by Upper and lower case letters. You commonly see W/we, referring to the couple.

We, the denizens of the Cafe are the "pervs"

.

Ohhh I see. Pervs haha I can accept that

Sensory Deprivation relies on the Dom giving pleasure to the sub in whatever form he/she likes it best. Food play (see 9 1/2 Weeks) and heat play (wax and ice) fit nicely as well as anything involving varying touch. This is where I learned how versatile a flogger can be, from gentle caress (with the scent of leather) to stinging impact. But start slowly if you've never used one. It's a step up from spanking. You need to practice, and learn first hand what an impact tool will do. (on yourself)

You should research SSC (Safe, Sane and Consentual) and RACK (Risk Assured Consentual Kink) while youre googling the other stuff. It just means "play safe", but thee are nuances.

Have fun. Keep this going.

Wow, thank you for pointing me in the right direction! I will definitely search up those terms. We don’t usually do food play for fear of possible infections. Wax / ice play, haven’t done much of that either. I know of it, but I don’t think it really excites either of us so we’ve never really done it. Our spanking implements are an 18” wooden ruler, 12” plastic ruler, bamboo kitchen spoon, a 8” piece of belt with a loop (for pussy and inner thigh whipping), a full sized belt. But my absolutely favorite spanking implement is my bare hands.

Hello 77fbird400.

I really respect putting your heart and soul out there.

It’s actually not so hard. Only my wife and I knows the intimate details, there is very little chance of getting “discovered” even if one of my kids or a co-worker were to read my posts. I doubt they could identify me.

I also respect and echo all the comments above. Sage advice indeed.

I’m so grateful for all of the kindness!

This caught my eye, with all due respect > "When I make a mistake and hit one of her limits, she forgives me. Always."

I used to think this, verbatim. I used think my Wife was this infinite well of forgiveness, that I could do no wrong.

I have to warn you... This is not true. No matter how it may appear from your POV (or how much she tells you its "OK"). I've learned this the hard way, and we still bare the scars as a couple.

We are all capable of forgiveness, but memory always persists and can do for a lifetime.

It took me years to really understand my Wife (I'm still learning). To really appreciate the consequences of what I asked of her over the years, versus what she was actually willing to do for me (on her terms).

Thank you! One can never really trust what comes out of a woman’s mouth. When my wife said “You don’t have to get me anything for our anniversary, it isn’t a special one anyways (18 years)” … yea right! Does she think I was born yesterday? You bet I got her something! Really nice too.

But where I disagree somewhat is that I do not think that I cannot do anything wrong. I do push her limits. Sometimes I take a pretty good chance and pass a known boundary. But that is what makes life exciting. You know that episode of Seinfeld where Krammer is test driving that car with the salesman, but they’re practically out of gas? Then he doesn’t take that highway exit back to the dealer to see if he can make the next one? That stuff can be exhilarating!

 

[77fbird400]

Thank you for asking the question about the mentor. I couldn't find it within myself to ask this politely.

While the OP appears to want and appreciate our advice, I've come to the conclusion that he has an idea in his head about how D/s will be for him and his wife...what it entails, how it will be done/communicated... that is completely foreign to what it is for me, that I'm no longer interested in spending the time to try to offer advice.

I read and cringe. Part of me wants to explain the inner workings of a lot of subs' minds and how badly we want to please our D, how hard we try to do so, how important the good feedback is, how crushing just the idea of disappointing our D is let alone actually doing it, and how gut wrenching it is to be punished when you've tried your best. But I'm not reading that it's worth my time.

So I'm wishing the OP and his wife well on their journey, but I'm not holding my breath. Going to treat this like a journal...which is what the OP said it was, before we saw it as a need for lots of advice.

I'll respond to the others in more detail, I just wanted to quickly address this one.

I have no doubt that our first 3 D/s sessions are cringe-worthy for established Doms and subs alike.

Please remember that my wife is not really full submissive. At least for now, D/s is a sex scenario we're playing out. It is a lot more complicated than other scenarios we play (pet girl, maid, school girl etc...). But it's still a scenario. When we leave our bedroom, we are 100% equal. Our sex play never leaves the bedroom. Not to imply that a fully submissive woman can't be a good role model to her daughters, but my wife needs to be a strong role model for our teenage daughters. She needs to show them that a woman can put a man in his place if needed. I need to show my daughters that a man's role is not to enslave his wife but to treat her equally, with respect, love and compassion. I hope that my daughters (and sons) will find similar qualities in the partners they select when it is time for them to settle. This is just fun sex play and nothing more, for now.

My Lit mentor is advising me via PM as a full time Dom. His counsel tends to be on the extreme side. I take his advice and pare it down to something I can do. He understands.

Thank you for your response, I appreciate it! I apologize if I offended you.

 

[77fbird400]

I find this very confusing:

"Even before all of your wonderful advice, my Lit mentor (a full time Dom) whom I’ve been communicating with via PM suggested that I follow up with her which I did. But I did it in my own way. The next morning after our first D/s session, she was very happy, spunky, jovial and affectionate with me. Probably like you, most of the times we have sex it is a 10-50 minute quickie. Once in a while, perhaps once a week, it is an extended sex night that last a lot longer, often the entire night. We have to do this in the wee hours of the morning because we have teenage children. Our first D/s session was an extended sex night even though the entire D/s session lasted perhaps 30 mins. On these nights we usually start around 2:30AM trying to wait until all the teens are sleeping. We often do not finish until 6 or 6:30AM leaving little or no time for further sleep. To pull this off, we try to sleep that night by 9-9:30PM. The teens can take care of themselves

As I mentioned the next morning after our first D/s play, she was flirty and frisky, more than usual. She even teased that we could have sex again in a couple of days. Not only that, she actually woke up before any of us and made a really nice pancake family breakfast with spam (yum!), eggs, fried potatoes and what I call “leftover omelette”. She even made the eggs how we each liked them. Poor woman. We all like our eggs a bit different!

I woke up before our children. I do this often. Brushed my teeth. We kiss a lot so oral hygiene is important. I approached her from behind as she’s cooking, roughly grabbed her robe, she yelped not knowing I was there, unhanded her cooking implements, spun her around, she complained, I ignored, grabbed a handful of hair, roughly pulled her head back, planted a big kiss, and forced her to hug me by I burying her face between my shoulder and neck. Still grabbing a handful of hair, I held her head in that position as I tried to convey through touch and affection and without words that I love her dearly, she is valued and respected, and that I am sorry for what I did to her last night. I know from experience that this simple action would pay for itself later and it would. I released her hair, placed both of my hands on her cheeks, tilted her chin up towards mine and gave her another kiss while the scrambled eggs burned. She’s now pissed off at me, in a good way! Note to self: she’ll give me the burned eggs, so next time I should take them OFF the stove before doing this. If you haven’t guessed already, she is a woman who loves to feel forced. She has never told me that, I just know it. A lot of our sex play, even outside of BDSM and S/m is based on forced sex. She is also an old fashioned woman who also appreciates romance and chivalry. I’m happy to oblige on all fronts at every possible opportunity."​

What you describe here doesn't really feel like 'following up with her' at all. Apparently your actions have conveyed to her "that I love her dearly, she is valued and respected, and that I am sorry for what I did to her last night." ... that's still not finding out what SHE things, how SHE feels.

I'm not sure why you don't want to hear the voices of people who come from the s side of the d/s equation - including that of your wife. When I've been in these situations, I'm dying to know how things feel for the in-charge person, what they're getting out of it, what they enjoyed, what they'd like to do again, what didn't really work for them. It's only by knowing this stuff that I can make any further experiences better for them - for THEM, not according to some hypothetical ideal.

I'm also puzzled as to why you're putting so much faith in this mentor. How do you know he's 'right', when the advice he's giving you seems so counter to what everyone else in this thread has said?

You seem to really care about her wife, but find talking with her about sex difficult. I've kind of been in that position myself, but it was regarding very vanilla sex ... as Bramble noted earlier, there's sort of a script for that, so it was in some respects 'easier' to not talk about it. But the d/s stuff is different territory. (Also, related to that - I was with my husband for 20 years, and he really loved me and knew me really well, but trust me, he had NO idea what was going on my head a lot of the time. If he'd actually instigated a conversation, things might have been a bit better between us, but he hated talking about sex, and it was almost impossible for me to bring the topic up with him, so it never happened.)

Please just actually talk with her. What's the worst that could happen - it'll be a bit awkward? Is that worse than finding out six months down the track that your wife really wanted something different, but couldn't find a way to say that?

Thanks Kim for your insights.

But what is wrong with texting? In a way, perhaps texting / SMS is better than talking because it is generally easier to say no to someone via email or text. I'm in a leadership position at work. When I need a coworker to do something I know they won't like, I'll ask them in person rather than email because I know its harder for them to turn me down.

With all due respect, and I do mean that I respect the advice that you and wicked woman have provided. You have a communication system that works for you, but it may not work for us the same way. This is an oversimplified observation, we're not you. So like my Lit mentor who has been advising me, his advice very extreme. Like your advice, I take what I can use and put the rest of his advice in my back pocket. Sometimes, I modify his advice so it works for my wife and I. It may take me years to get to some of his advice (which I'll share later). Or I may never get there at all.

Please allow me to use an analogy to explain. I still remember trying to get our first child to just SLEEP! Then toilet training her, then trying to teach her to read. When you talk to other parents, especially Moms, they're "Well I sleep-trained my kid and it worked great so therefore it'll work for you". Or 'This is how I toilet trained Johnny and it worked, so it'll work for you." Or 'This is how I got my kid to read, it'll work for you the same way." Four kids later, I learned that each kid is different. What works on one kid simply may not work on another, even within the same family. Generally, the argument that "I did ABC and XYZ happened, so if you do ABC then XYZ will happen". That has never been a strong argument.

Regardless, I assure you that I will make an effort to talk to her in person about this.

 

[77fbird400]

A demo is just a demonstration. I've gone to a few events hosted by people that attend the munches somewhat in the area. At the event, people could have a scene with their partners. Some may also demonstrates various techniques. For me it was a very safe way to learn more about different types of play.

Oh that would be out of the question. Neither of us are interested in group, swing, cuck or joining a club. We are strictly monogamous.

I had a partner that thought he knew me very well. We were together for over ten years. The relationship started with communication as that's a typical way to get to know one another. What pretty much ended it was that communication fell by the wayside. He assumed that he knew how I would respond and everything became about only what he was interested in doing. I tried several times to get communication going again but it remained very superficial. That's just my experience in a much shorter relationship.

After it is all over, she end up absolutely loving it without much communication. Negotiation is a main factor in BDSM, kink, and d/s, etc. If you don't talk to her about what some of the things mean before hand outside of the scene, she has no idea what you're really excepting. You've mentioned she really enjoys pleasing you. You're not giving her a chance to really do that if you're not talking about what everything means and is expected. Yes, it is awkward and difficult, especially if you've never done that before but if you want to quit making mistakes, it's necessary.

Just curious if you ever think that the mistakes are actually kind of fun?

Also want to throw out there that I don't really do traditional aftercare. I don't really need it. I like cuddles and all but I'm just as good going about my day. The one thing I have to have is checking in via email or message. At minimum it's just everything was great, thanks for the great time. Other times we talk about what went really well and sometimes even how it could have been better. I would be completely broken if I thought I had done awful especially if I had no idea what I had to do. Another thing is my partners don't do the slave poses with me. I'm just telling you this because it doesn't mean it isn't d/s even though we don't do them. I do have some rules that I follow completely. All that being said, my experiences are with partners with whom I'm friends with but not in long term relationships with. It's been going on a little over 4 years and works very well for us.

The slave position idea was from a Lit story I read. I've been searching for BDSM / slave / slave wife, collar stories on Lit. I've always thought that the fictional stories here on Lit are mostly people's erotic fantasies on paper. I'm guessing the majority of the writers are women. So by reading these stories, I figure I can get a glimpse of what women may find appealing in this D/s sex play.

Can you give me an example of some of the rules that you are given?

All of that is to say, there isn't one right way or wrong way. The thing that holds all the good and the sometimes not great sessions together is communication. I've had a couple of not great sessions and I communicated a lot after them. I've had seasons where I felt like I failed to find out that I hadn't but that I was being pushed. I'm so much happier knowing that, actually knowing that without guessing at it.

You've received some solid advice. Please incorporate more communication. Do it via email if you need to.[/QUOTE]

Well we prefer SMS / text to communicate about sex.

I just came up with an idea on how to bring up this topic. I'll trap her.

We have a favorite restaurant - Italian of course. It'll just be the two of us. This mght even work.

If you don't mind me asking, what does a type D/s night look like for you?

 

[KimGordon67]

Thanks Kim for your insights.

But what is wrong with texting? In a way, perhaps texting / SMS is better than talking because it is generally easier to say no to someone via email or text. I'm in a leadership position at work. When I need a coworker to do something I know they won't like, I'll ask them in person rather than email because I know its harder for them to turn me down.

With all due respect, and I do mean that I respect the advice that you and wicked woman have provided. You have a communication system that works for you, but it may not work for us the same way. This is an oversimplified observation, we're not you. So like my Lit mentor who has been advising me, his advice very extreme. Like your advice, I take what I can use and put the rest of his advice in my back pocket. Sometimes, I modify his advice so it works for my wife and I. It may take me years to get to some of his advice (which I'll share later). Or I may never get there at all.

Please allow me to use an analogy to explain. I still remember trying to get our first child to just SLEEP! Then toilet training her, then trying to teach her to read. When you talk to other parents, especially Moms, they're "Well I sleep-trained my kid and it worked great so therefore it'll work for you". Or 'This is how I toilet trained Johnny and it worked, so it'll work for you." Or 'This is how I got my kid to read, it'll work for you the same way." Four kids later, I learned that each kid is different. What works on one kid simply may not work on another, even within the same family. Generally, the argument that "I did ABC and XYZ happened, so if you do ABC then XYZ will happen". That has never been a strong argument.

Regardless, I assure you that I will make an effort to talk to her in person about this.

"Still, I followed the counsel I was given from my mentor and followed up via SMS / text. I asked if she was OK from our first D/s session and if she’s willing to continue being trained as my slave wife. Of course she said yes. It was a loaded question. She knew that’s the answer I wanted.The answer came from her heart, not her mind. I don’t trust her response."​

This doesn't feel like communication to me, and even you're saying you knew what her answer was going to be.

But you're right - different strokes for different folks. Pretty much nothing about your situation makes sense to me, so I'll just back away. I hope it all works out for you and your wife. Have fun.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Nope, didn’t know there was such thing as professionally written BDSM books, picture books etc… I see there are a lot of choices out there. Do you have a suggest website or online resource I can try? I don’t think I can order any printed materials. I’m a bit embarrassed to be seen with such materials to be perfectly honest.

Hmm. For non-fiction, "Screw the Roses, Send Me The Thorns", "SM 101", "The Loving Dominant", and "The Topping Book"/"The Bottoming Book" are all worthwhile how-tos, though the last two have some bits that irritate me.

For fiction... past Sunstone, I'm not sure what to recommend. It'd depend very much on what you're looking to get out of it.

Thank you! One can never really trust what comes out of a woman’s mouth.

Happy to say that hasn't been my experience.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

I am absolutely terrified at the amount of faith you are placing in this “full time” Lit dom. I’ve been here since 2001 and can assure you there are many, many, many Lit “doms” who should not be listened to at all.

I’m reading your posts and cringing as well. Not because you’re new to BDSM and it can get clunky, but because you are routinely disregarding VERY GOOD advice and justifying it by referring to this “mentor.” You’ve only been here a few months, you cannot know this person well enough to put this much faith in them. I think you are also disregarding your wife’s feelings and desires.

You say you’ve been together a very long time and you just know her well enough to know what she’ll put up with and what she’ll forgive you for. Okay....I left my husband after we had been together 21 years. I’m sure he thought he knew me really well, too, when he had no idea how much I simply tolerated. If what you’re tolerating is intended to be BDSM, and you aren’t consenting, it’s abuse. Consent requires informed consent. Informed consent requires talking with your wife. FFS, stop listening to the net dom and read some books. The fact that you didn’t even know books exist on the topic makes it seem like you’ve done no research at all. You are playing a very dangerous game.

ETA: I was not abused by my ex. Clarifying as it may sound as if I were implying that. Very vanilla, my ex. I just tolerated a lot of BS for a long time.

 

[Justplatonic]

Thank you for the time you took to share your advice! I appreciate it a lot!

Thank you! One can never really trust what comes out of a woman’s mouth. When my wife said “You don’t have to get me anything for our anniversary, it isn’t a special one anyways (18 years)” … yea right! Does she think I was born yesterday? You bet I got her something! Really nice too.

But where I disagree somewhat is that I do not think that I cannot do anything wrong. I do push her limits. Sometimes I take a pretty good chance and pass a known boundary. But that is what makes life exciting. You know that episode of Seinfeld where Krammer is test driving that car with the salesman, but they’re practically out of gas? Then he doesn’t take that highway exit back to the dealer to see if he can make the next one? That stuff can be exhilarating!

With all due respect, I fear you've missed the point. I trust my Wife, and her choice of words (and the sentiments/expectations behind them as best I can). Its always about context, and the duress we purposely apply to our Wives/Girlfriends, I question (it can happen unwittingly, but that's different, still not right, just unfortunate, and very regrettable). Just because we're husbands/boyfriends, it doesn't give us the right to knowingly assume we can, no matter how exciting...

 

[ToPleaseHim]

I just took a shower and literally was thinking about your breakfast scenario. You 100% disregarded her there. You even describe her being pissed and giving you the burnt eggs. No matter what is in your head, you must say it in words. You can’t communicate how much you appreciate her by pulling her hair and kissing her forcefully, deliberately with zero words, when “she complained, I ignored.” Jesus, man. Is your goal here divorce?

You ask UMB if the mistakes aren’t sometimes fun. DISREGARDING HER and DELIBERATELY NEVER TALKING TO HER are not mistakes. They are choices you are making. Maybe ask her to read this thread. I’m curious how she would feel about the advice you’re choosing to ignore.

Oh, one more thing on the mentor, we also have amazing doms here. I mentioned there are many who should never be consulted for advice. There are many who should. These men and women would almost never profess themselves to be experts to you, btw. They would also talk a lot a lot a lot about consent and SSC and RACK. You are not listening to a good one, I fear.

 

[77fbird400]

Thanks, I read all the responses but it is the beginning of a work week. It may take me some time to reply.

I realize that I'm a man and expected to take this. I can and I will ... but you are really raking me over the coals. It bothers me that you don't think I'm treating my wife with fairness and compassion.

 

[Moochienanu]

Thanks, I read all the responses but it is the beginning of a work week. It may take me some time to reply.

I realize that I'm a man and expected to take this. I can and I will ... but you are really raking me over the coals. It bothers me that you don't think I'm treating my wife with fairness and compassion.

It has nothing to do with you being a man and everything to do with your choices in approaching this lifestyle (mainly, doing so without your partner involved).

I have read this thread and talked myself out of posting several times because it just makes me uncomfortable to speak up, but you have gotten some really good advice - unsolicited, yes, but some may say very warranted - and you continue to disregard or toss it aside.

I just... well... I don’t want you to end up with an exploding wife. That is what happened with my husband and I about five years ago. He would not communicate effectively and I would avoid confrontation by just agreeing with whatever he wanted. I ended up going to my sister’s and crying the whole time I was there about how I didn’t think my marriage was going to make it because we were just doing and not talking, and I came back home to more of the same behaviors from him, so I lost it. I spent a week not talking and he didn’t notice. During that time, I put together words I needed to say to him. Anyway, one day, I just exploded it all onto him “out of nowhere” and he didn’t even know I was thinking about ANY of these things I thought were important. This is not where anyone wants to get before they’re heard in a relationship.

Us quiet, obedient types are always overthinking.

It sounds like your wife does enjoy some of the aspects of the D/s play you’ve engaged in thus far, but how can you know for sure or what parts specifically she might want to steer toward in the future if you don’t ask her?

Texting is fine for other sex talk, but you need to see her eyes when she says ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to something, because as you mentioned, she will likely be inclined to agree with whatever you want - it is up to you to see in her (using those 20+ years of knowing her) whether that yes is actually enthusiastic consent.

And please, cornering your wife at your favorite restaurant sounds like the WORST way to talk about your sex life. Might I suggest a walk somewhere in nature without onlookers? Or even a long car ride? Both without the kids, of course.

 

[Justplatonic]

It has nothing to do with you being a man and everything to do with your choices in approaching this lifestyle (mainly, doing so without your partner involved).

I have read this thread and talked myself out of posting several times because it just makes me uncomfortable to speak up, but you have gotten some really good advice - unsolicited, yes, but some may say very warranted - and you continue to disregard or toss it aside.

I just... well... I don’t want you to end up with an exploding wife. That is what happened with my husband and I about five years ago. He would not communicate effectively and I would avoid confrontation by just agreeing with whatever he wanted. I ended up going to my sister’s and crying the whole time I was there about how I didn’t think my marriage was going to make it because we were just doing and not talking, and I came back home to more of the same behaviors from him, so I lost it. I spent a week not talking and he didn’t notice. During that time, I put together words I needed to say to him. Anyway, one day, I just exploded it all onto him “out of nowhere” and he didn’t even know I was thinking about ANY of these things I thought were important. This is not where anyone wants to get before they’re heard in a relationship.

Us quiet, obedient types are always overthinking.

It sounds like your wife does enjoy some of the aspects of the D/s play you’ve engaged in thus far, but how can you know for sure or what parts specifically she might want to steer toward in the future if you don’t ask her?

Texting is fine for other sex talk, but you need to see her eyes when she says ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to something, because as you mentioned, she will likely be inclined to agree with whatever you want - it is up to you to see in her (using those 20+ years of knowing her) whether that yes is actually enthusiastic consent.

And please, cornering your wife at your favorite restaurant sounds like the WORST way to talk about your sex life. Might I suggest a walk somewhere in nature without onlookers? Or even a long car ride? Both without the kids, of course.

You brave soul...

 

[77fbird400]

It has nothing to do with you being a man and everything to do with your choices in approaching this lifestyle (mainly, doing so without your partner involved).

I have read this thread and talked myself out of posting several times because it just makes me uncomfortable to speak up, but you have gotten some really good advice - unsolicited, yes, but some may say very warranted - and you continue to disregard or toss it aside.

I just... well... I don’t want you to end up with an exploding wife. That is what happened with my husband and I about five years ago. He would not communicate effectively and I would avoid confrontation by just agreeing with whatever he wanted. I ended up going to my sister’s and crying the whole time I was there about how I didn’t think my marriage was going to make it because we were just doing and not talking, and I came back home to more of the same behaviors from him, so I lost it. I spent a week not talking and he didn’t notice. During that time, I put together words I needed to say to him. Anyway, one day, I just exploded it all onto him “out of nowhere” and he didn’t even know I was thinking about ANY of these things I thought were important. This is not where anyone wants to get before they’re heard in a relationship.

Us quiet, obedient types are always overthinking.

It sounds like your wife does enjoy some of the aspects of the D/s play you’ve engaged in thus far, but how can you know for sure or what parts specifically she might want to steer toward in the future if you don’t ask her?

Texting is fine for other sex talk, but you need to see her eyes when she says ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to something, because as you mentioned, she will likely be inclined to agree with whatever you want - it is up to you to see in her (using those 20+ years of knowing her) whether that yes is actually enthusiastic consent.

And please, cornering your wife at your favorite restaurant sounds like the WORST way to talk about your sex life. Might I suggest a walk somewhere in nature without onlookers? Or even a long car ride? Both without the kids, of course.

Thank you for taking the time to share your insights.

Great suggestion, I won't trap her in a restaurant or in a car to talk about this. I will try do as you suggest. But if we go for a walk and talk about this, isn't it the same thing? Won't she feel trapped by me trying to talk to her about this? I don't see how I can talk to her about this without trapping her.

I don't have time right now to offer a more detailed response, I'll do that later. I'll leave you with this: I don't have a problem talking about sex ergo my posts in this thread. My wife is a chatterbox, but she doesn't like to talk about sex in person.

I leave you with this thought:

Here are the lyrics to one of my favorite Alison Krauss songs
"When You Say Nothing At All"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1SCOimBo5tg

I can relate to this song. Is it so hard to understand that we can read each other without words?

It's amazing how you can speak right to my heart
Without saying a word you can light up the dark
Try as I may I could never explain what I hear when you don't say a thing
The smile on your face lets me know that you need me

There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me if ever I fall
You say it best when you say nothing at all

All day long I can hear people talking out loud
But when you hold me near you drown out the crowd
Old Mister Webster could never define
What's being said between your heart and mine

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me if ever I fall
You say it best when you say nothing at all

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me
A touch of your hand says you'll catch me if ever I fall
You say it best when you say nothing at all

 

[ToPleaseHim]

Question: is it possible to roll one’s eyes hard enough to cause an injury? Asking for a friend...

 

[KimGordon67]

I am just going to say this one last thing. You see to be quite keen on doing d/s 'properly', which is fine - I get that we all want things to be 'right', however we interpret that. But honestly, in my years of frequenting the boards on Lit, any other reading I've done, and my own (admittedly limited) experience, everything in the bdsm arena has three pretty standard basic tenets:
- explicitly agreed upon (although sometimes flexible) boundaries - usually conceptualised as 'these things are good/these things are a total no/these things are a maybe'.
- some form of safeword.
- clear and explicit communication.
There are instances where there are exceptions to this, but they're notable as exceptions, and not generally advised for newbies (e.g. a 'no limits' situation). Pretty much everything else is entirely negotiable, but those three things are pretty fundamental, regardless of whether you're doing 'real' d/s or 'just playing'.

There's a number of ways you can break the ice into that conversation - e.g. maybe each do the bdsm test and compare results to see how aligned you actually are in your want and desires, sending each other images of things that might spark your interest, reading some stories together, etc. The bdsm test one is commonly recommended.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

The BDSM test is a good suggestion. Thanks for that, Kim.

My first dom, met here in these threads, by the way, encouraged me to complete one. I learned a lot about myself answering the questions and a whole lot about everything on the huge continuum of BDSM.

 

[Moochienanu]

If anything, this OP is consistent in the replies that make me want to throw things.

I wish you and your wife good luck on your journey. I will see myself out now (you’re not worth another of my spoons).