Journal: a novice couple's journey into the world of Dominance and submission

[seela]

First, I find it very alarming that you feel like you can’t trust your wife to really tell you what she thinks and feels on the inside. It’s even more alarming that you seem to believe that it’s some feminine trait that women can’t be trusted.

I think that’s the first issue you should address. Tell her that it could be so much more rewarding for both of you if she would give you her opinion on things and not say what she thinks you want to hear. Tell her that you’re flying blind now and as much as you want to make sure things are safe, good and fun for your both, it’s difficult or impossible to do so if she doesn’t give you any guidelines. It can be in text, it doesn’t have to be a face to face discussion, but I think in the long run it would be better to move towards that because then you can see her body language too.

She’s an adult. She understands that actions has consequences and if she’s not being truthful to you, she’s doing a disservice to you both. Listen to what she says and don’t undermine her. Give her a chance to get her say.

Maybe talking about sex isn’t the real issue here. How do you communicate in the rest of your life? Do you think she can’t be trusted to tell the truth in other spheres of life or just when it comes to sex and anniversary gifts?

How about as a submissive task you tell her to write you a little sex scene she finds hot? It doesn’t have to be long, just a few sentences. Then talk to her about it, ask what it is that makes it hot for her, tell her what you loved about it etc. Get used to to talking about sex in general.

I’m totally in the camp that not everything and every single action needs to be talked and analyzed to death and sometimes you just know you’re both into something and new things can be introduced slowly and gradually without them ever been discussed before. But you jumped straight to slave positions rather than at least at first incorporating something you already knew she would enjoy, like the spanking for example. I’ve yet to meet a submissive person who would like to only do slave positions found on the internet and nothing else. Also now you’re doing zero communicating with words, you’re telepathically sending a message to your wife that you love her through a kiss and handholding. Really, you both need to learn to use your words.

I think the two of you really have the chance to have a super happy relationship. We’re all just seeing many alarming things in your posts. If your wife really doesn’t have any ideas, fantasies and wants and needs of her own, that’s legit too. Some people (me included) get off on being a tool for the D to fulfill their fantasies. For some that’s the only thing they’re into, maybe your wife is one of them. Based on your writing im not sure that’s the case, but it’s a possibility. If that’s the case, she needs to be open about that and own her own kinks. So once again, communication.

 

[77fbird400]

Do you even realize how you are totally roasting me? Is there not one guy out there that can say I’m doing *something* right? I won’t call him my mentor b/c I see that upsets you, but the person I’m PM’ing with is giving me real things to do, I’ve tried a few of his ideas. Unfortunately, but many of them are too extreme for now (inspection, f*** her as slave and not a wife, give her a slave name, “owned by” rubber stamp, daytime collars etc…).

You know an interesting dynamic. I used to participate on a different sex forum. They’re mostly a pack of weenies (guys) with a few girls whom I bet some of them are actually guys. What a difference in the tone of the posts. It’s like night and day! Just an interesting observation.

If my username was “freebird” and the title read : “Journal: A submissive wife’s journey into the world of Dominance and submission”, I bet your counsel would take on a whole different tone. But I get it, you women think I’m just some weenie trying to have his way with my wife. I love my wife more than I can describe in words. She is the mother of my children, carried my children for 3 full years of her life, gave natural birth to them, I was there for all four of them, she nurtured them, she sacrificed her own career for all of us, there is no one on this planet more important to me than my wife. Not myself, parents or even my kids. I go out of my way to make sure she feels this every day. I don’t care anymore if what I just said makes you cringe and puke, it’s true. You can’t tell me I’m not treating her right.

Ok I’m going to prove once and for all that I have taken your advice in earnest and made multiple attempts to communicate with my wife about our D/s sex play. The following is evidence that I respect your contributions and I have taken your advice SERIOUSLY. I have talked this over with my wife. Can you understand that she is not YOU. You may require detailed and intricate discussions but she doesn’t like to do that.



Can someone please give me more concrete things to do other than talk to her?

######################

This is what happens when I try to talk to her in person about sex. This happened last night, we had our fourth D/s session using a dog collar and leash. Before you tear a strip out of me again, we play pet-girl scenario at least a couple times a month well before we dipped into D/s sex play. Dog training is nothing new for her.

“Am I going to wear the collar today?”

“Do you want to? Sure.”

“Can we not have sex today? I’m sore.”

“Yes dear.”

[long pause]

“Can I ask you something?”

“Will you be my slave wife?”

“Yes.”

One word answers are very rare for this woman. I’m not entirely convinced it’s a yes from her mind. I suspect is is a yes from her heart.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“I can continue to train you to be my slave wife?”

“Yes.”

“You know I love you right?”

“Yes.”

“You trust me right?”

“Yes.”

“You know I’d never hurt you right?”

“Yes.”

“You know I would do everything to protect you right?”

“Yes.”

[long pause, thinking]

“When you wear my collar, you are my slave, you need to try your best to obey me.”

“Yes.”

“Is there anything I can do to make it more fun for you?”

[pause, no answer, what does that mean?]

“Sweetie?”

[spoon hugging her, kissing the nape of her neck]

“How can I make this fun for you?”

“As long as you’re happy.”

[pause, thinking, what does that mean? is that good or bad?]

“Did I do anything previously that made you uncomfortable?”

[pause]

“No.”

“Are you sure?”

[pause]

“Yes.”

I don’t like the one word answers. I don’t trust them.

“Can we just do this tonight and not have sex? I’m sore.”

“Yes dear.”

“Can I get some oral?”

“Yes.”

As you can see, it’s not even a discussion. She does not like to talk about sex face to face. What’s wrong with that?

######################

Here is a sample of our SMS / text conversations, you can see the difference. These convos happened around the time I started receiving your advice in this thread. I asked her like 6 times if she really wants to be my slave wife.

“Dont wake me up too early” --- translation = YES

I left a button-crotch onesie on her bed that night (we sleep separately quite often), that means I’d like to have sex. This is how she tells me she doesn’t want sex. Granted, she didn’t answer the quesiton if I’ve gone too far. I have no idea what that means. Should I have asked again? I don’t know.

#######################

She was honest here. I know she likes rough sex, cosplay sex and scenario sex probably more than D/s play - at least for now. I know for a fact that she likes being restrained, held down and generally “taken”. Since she won’t tell me what she likes, can you please make some suggestions for actions that she may enjoy other than “talk to her”?

#######################

 

[77fbird400]

First, I find it very alarming that you feel like you can’t trust your wife to really tell you what she thinks and feels on the inside. It’s even more alarming that you seem to believe that it’s some feminine trait that women can’t be trusted.

I think that’s the first issue you should address. Tell her that it could be so much more rewarding for both of you if she would give you her opinion on things and not say what she thinks you want to hear. Tell her that you’re flying blind now and as much as you want to make sure things are safe, good and fun for your both, it’s difficult or impossible to do so if she doesn’t give you any guidelines. It can be in text, it doesn’t have to be a face to face discussion, but I think in the long run it would be better to move towards that because then you can see her body language too.

She’s an adult. She understands that actions has consequences and if she’s not being truthful to you, she’s doing a disservice to you both. Listen to what she says and don’t undermine her. Give her a chance to get her say.

Maybe talking about sex isn’t the real issue here. How do you communicate in the rest of your life? Do you think she can’t be trusted to tell the truth in other spheres of life or just when it comes to sex and anniversary gifts?

How about as a submissive task you tell her to write you a little sex scene she finds hot? It doesn’t have to be long, just a few sentences. Then talk to her about it, ask what it is that makes it hot for her, tell her what you loved about it etc. Get used to to talking about sex in general.

I’m totally in the camp that not everything and every single action needs to be talked and analyzed to death and sometimes you just know you’re both into something and new things can be introduced slowly and gradually without them ever been discussed before. But you jumped straight to slave positions rather than at least at first incorporating something you already knew she would enjoy, like the spanking for example. I’ve yet to meet a submissive person who would like to only do slave positions found on the internet and nothing else. Also now you’re doing zero communicating with words, you’re telepathically sending a message to your wife that you love her through a kiss and handholding. Really, you both need to learn to use your words.

I think the two of you really have the chance to have a super happy relationship. We’re all just seeing many alarming things in your posts. If your wife really doesn’t have any ideas, fantasies and wants and needs of her own, that’s legit too. Some people (me included) get off on being a tool for the D to fulfill their fantasies. For some that’s the only thing they’re into, maybe your wife is one of them. Based on your writing im not sure that’s the case, but it’s a possibility. If that’s the case, she needs to be open about that and own her own kinks. So once again, communication.

Thank you.

"I think the two of you really have the chance to have a super happy relationship. "

I'm not upset, but I'm wondering why do you feel we don't have a happy relationship? I don't think she would let me do these things to her that I described in my posts if she wasn't a happy wife. Quite simply, good things happen when a husband makes his wife feel happy, safe, loved and valued. I think most women would need to feel that way about their husbands in order for them to open up to him like my wife has with me.

Regarding texts and non-face to face discussions, please see my above posts and screenshots.

She never stops talking. I mean never. This is why I often sleep in the spare bedroom. This is why I need to stay late at work. I can't get any work done at home. She simply doesn't like to talk about sex. See my post before this one. When we talk about sex in person, it's one word answers only. Keep in mind that we both came from staunch Christian backgrounds. So generally talking openly about sex is taboo and that has been ingrained within us. This is part of the reason for engaging in technology such as message forums.

"Really, you both need to learn to use your words."

I'm sure you can understand that my wife has a different personality than you.

Thank you again for your response.

 

[seela]

Thank you.

"I think the two of you really have the chance to have a super happy relationship. "

I'm not upset, but I'm wondering why do you feel we don't have a happy relationship? I don't think she would let me do these things to her that I described in my posts if she wasn't a happy wife. Quite simply, good things happen when a husband makes his wife feel happy, safe, loved and valued. I think most women would need to feel that way about their husbands in order for them to open up to him like my wife has with me.

Regarding texts and non-face to face discussions, please see my above posts and screenshots.

She never stops talking. I mean never. This is why I often sleep in the spare bedroom. This is why I need to stay late at work. I can't get any work done at home. She simply doesn't like to talk about sex. See my post before this one. When we talk about sex in person, it's one word answers only. Keep in mind that we both came from staunch Christian backgrounds. So generally talking openly about sex is taboo and that has been ingrained within us. This is part of the reason for engaging in technology such as message forums.

"Really, you both need to learn to use your words."

I'm sure you can understand that my wife has a different personality than you.

Thank you again for your response.

I’m sorry, I was supposed to write a super happy D/s relationship, skipped a word. I blame early morning and fat thumbs on the phone not being my preferred method of typing.

If communication is not a problem for you two, then everything is great! The experience most (all) people here seem to have is very different and that’s why we find it difficult to not see no direct communication as an issue and that’s why we keep returning to it. You communicate in your own way and if that’s enough for you, then so be it.

I realized this is a journal thread and as such the comments here are probably misplaced. Based on your response about what it is that you get out of your mentor, you’re clearly looking for different kind of feedback (ie. sexy things to do with your wife). What everyone else here is suggesting is that you talk with your wife and figure out together what are some fun things that excite you and you want to experiment with rather than doing the things an outsider feeds you. But I understand now that it is not your thing, so I’m not going to pursue this discussion further.

I’ll sign out of this thread as well and wish you and your wife happy times with D/s!

 

[ToPleaseHim]

I’m so perplexed by so many of your statements. I do understand your being drawn to the person who is claiming to be a “full time real dom,” after reading your weenies comment. I can assure you that not one person in this thread ever thought, “this guy is a weenie, I’m going to roast him.” I would encourage you to reread the suggestions with an open mind. Lots of BDSM newbies come to this part of the internet and have gotten advice on getting started and the advice is always communicate, communicate, communicate. This is because it is the best advice. You clearly don’t want to hear it. I read your wife’s responses differently than you do, too. I’m surprised you shared all of those screenshots here. Would that upset her? I guarantee those screenshots have been screenshot. Would that upset her?

I’m going to leave this thread with this: Based on my experience here over the last twenty years, I highly suspect you are taking advice and instructions from some guy with very little or no real world experience. I suspect he is giving you these instructions and advice and jacking off while you tell him what you did to your wife. I can’t help but notice he hasn’t posted in this thread. Does he have any posting history here at all? I would encourage you to listen to more reasonable voices, but you seem very opposed to that. I wish you and your wife the best.

 

[Justplatonic]

That's it for me too. Better people than me have opted out already. Quite frankly, these people are some of the best contributors on Lit. They've been around for many years. Their combined experience and knowledge vastly outshines mine, let alone yours.

But what's also done it for me, is your blatant disrespect of women. I'm really cross about it, with all due respect.

I sincerely hope this is just a phase, and you're both able to move past it. I also wish you and your Wife all the best.

 

[Vix_Giovanni]

######################

Here is a sample of our SMS / text conversations, you can see the difference. These convos happened around the time I started receiving your advice in this thread. I asked her like 6 times if she really wants to be my slave wife.

#######################

She was honest here. I know she likes rough sex, cosplay sex and scenario sex probably more than D/s play - at least for now. I know for a fact that she likes being restrained, held down and generally “taken”. Since she won’t tell me what she likes, can you please make some suggestions for actions that she may enjoy other than “talk to her”?

#######################

Sometimes it helps to just take a second look at the documents you have in front of you. This is what your wife told you, and I added the inflection in the way I read it, in case it’s helpful for you to see this from another POV:

”I’ll do it cause you like it.”

“I don’t hate it but I’m just okay with it.”

“Not that exciting but again... I will go along.”

“I’ll go along like I said.”

“I’m willing to give it a try if you like these stuff. But I prefer we are having crazy fun dressing up and joking around. I am not the submissive but rather the quirky and silly type. And so you know the dog dish is an all time low...”​

IMVHO, I don’t think you need role play or BDSM advice from Lit users, or advice from a FT Dom mentor or even to keep an online journal o about your personal thoughts/enjoyment. At this time, to me, it looks like you just need to read your wife’s texts and really acknowledge what she’s telling you. I did, and her feelings seem to be exactly opposite other ones you describe her having in your chronicles; her texts juxtaposed to your journal seem to be the most informative insight about what’s really going on between the two of you.

I’m an anonymous nobody online: no reason you need to take my advice about anything in your marriage or sex life. But my two cents here is that you’re at a tipping point. There’s a difference between hierarchy and dominance, especially when the Dom and sub are married. In even the best marriages, you’re already dealing with two people who don’t always have the exact same preferences about everything—for example, maybe she loves watching Law & Order and you hate it, or maybe you don’t mow the lawn as often as she wants—whatever it is, there’s no “right” or “wrong” person in those scenarios, it’s just that individuals have different preferences even when they’re married.

But if one partner takes a hierarchical approach to the needs of the marriage, things start to fall apart. For example, one partner decides that you’ll always watch Law & Order because eventually you’ll start to love the show too. Or decides you can never have begonias in the flowerbed, and you’ll just come around to liking mums instead. Those hierarchies are microscopic tears in the relationship that eventually cause rips that can’t be fixed. And that all gets magnified in a D/s marriage—if the BDSM play is a hierarchy, then things can unravel very quickly.

I hope this is helpful and wish you both the very best of luck resolving things and finding a happy, mutually satisfying compromise.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Do you even realize how you are totally roasting me? Is there not one guy out there that can say I’m doing *something* right? I won’t call him my mentor b/c I see that upsets you, but the person I’m PM’ing with is giving me real things to do, I’ve tried a few of his ideas. Unfortunately, but many of them are too extreme for now (inspection, f*** her as slave and not a wife, give her a slave name, “owned by” rubber stamp, daytime collars etc…).

I agree with TPH here. I would not be at all surprised if this guy was vastly overstating his experience and using you to live out his porn-inspired fantasies.

If somebody here offered to mentor me in BDSM, and if I wanted to explore that, I'd be checking up on them to get a feel for what sort of person they are. Do they look like they're here for discussion with like-minded souls, or do they seem focussed on engaging with newbies and taking that discussion to PM as soon as possible? Do they participate in how-to threads, and if so, how do other people respond to their advice? (There's certainly room for healthy disagreement, but if everybody else thinks my advice is dangerous bullshit, you probably don't want me as a mentor.) I might even PM a few of the regulars and ask their impressions of this "mentor".

You know an interesting dynamic. I used to participate on a different sex forum. They’re mostly a pack of weenies (guys) with a few girls whom I bet some of them are actually guys. What a difference in the tone of the posts. It’s like night and day! Just an interesting observation.

If my username was “freebird” and the title read : “Journal: A submissive wife’s journey into the world of Dominance and submission”, I bet your counsel would take on a whole different tone.

Of course it would. Different things are different.

But the idea that this is about women hating on you for being a guy - that's bullshit, and an insult to a whole bunch of people who have put some effort into giving you thoughtful advice (and who somehow manage to get along with the other male doms on this forum just fine).

But I get it, you women think I’m just some weenie trying to have his way with my wife. I love my wife more than I can describe in words. She is the mother of my children, carried my children for 3 full years of her life, gave natural birth to them, I was there for all four of them, she nurtured them, she sacrificed her own career for all of us, there is no one on this planet more important to me than my wife. Not myself, parents or even my kids.

That sounds like a bunch of very commendable intentions there. Intentions.

Ok I’m going to prove once and for all that I have taken your advice in earnest and made multiple attempts to communicate with my wife about our D/s sex play. The following is evidence that I respect your contributions and I have taken your advice SERIOUSLY. I have talked this over with my wife. Can you understand that she is not YOU. You may require detailed and intricate discussions but she doesn’t like to do that.

...

“Will you be my slave wife?”

“Yes.”

One word answers are very rare for this woman. I’m not entirely convinced it’s a yes from her mind. I suspect is is a yes from her heart.

But later:

"I'll do it cause you like it. I don't hate it but I'm just ok with it. Not that exciting but again...I will go along."

That seems a lot like an answer to me. If you're being really really eager about something that is "just ok" for her then, yes, you're probably going to get a lot of monosyllabic answers.

Not having been there for the last 20 years of your marriage, I don't profess to know the whole of your dynamic. But my first thought on looking at these conversations: if I was on your wife's side of things, there's a non-zero chance that I would be thinking "well, when I tell him that I'm not into it, he either ignores that or asks me to think of ways he can persuade me to be into the thing I keep telling him I'm not into. So why would I bother articulating stuff when it's not going to improve the situation for me? I'll just keep saying yes so I can get on with something else."

Whether it's that or something else, if I had a partner who was communicating like that, I'd be looking to change the way we communicate - acknowledging that this might take a lot of work on both our parts - before I tried to negotiate new BDSM play. That probably isn't something that a bunch of strangers online can debug.

 

[77fbird400]

Sometimes it helps to just take a second look at the documents you have in front of you. This is what your wife told you, and I added the inflection in the way I read it, in case it’s helpful for you to see this from another POV:

”I’ll do it cause you like it.”

“I don’t hate it but I’m just okay with it.”

“Not that exciting but again... I will go along.”

“I’ll go along like I said.”

“I’m willing to give it a try if you like these stuff. But I prefer we are having crazy fun dressing up and joking around. I am not the submissive but rather the quirky and silly type. And so you know the dog dish is an all time low...”​

IMVHO, I don’t think you need role play or BDSM advice from Lit users, or advice from a FT Dom mentor or even to keep an online journal o about your personal thoughts/enjoyment. At this time, to me, it looks like you just need to read your wife’s texts and really acknowledge what she’s telling you. I did, and her feelings seem to be exactly opposite other ones you describe her having in your chronicles; her texts juxtaposed to your journal seem to be the most informative insight about what’s really going on between the two of you.

Thank you, your post differs from others. I'll need to re-read it to try and absorb your advice.

Can I offer a rebuttal?

I see it with a simple lens. My favorite food is steak, Spanish rice pilaf and tiramisu. That doesn't mean I'm going to eat it every day. If I do, it probably won't be my favorite for very long. I also have a favorite artist (music), but I listen to a variety of music.

 

[77fbird400]

I’m so perplexed by so many of your statements. I do understand your being drawn to the person who is claiming to be a “full time real dom,” after reading your weenies comment. I can assure you that not one person in this thread ever thought, “this guy is a weenie, I’m going to roast him.” I would encourage you to reread the suggestions with an open mind. Lots of BDSM newbies come to this part of the internet and have gotten advice on getting started and the advice is always communicate, communicate, communicate. This is because it is the best advice. You clearly don’t want to hear it. I read your wife’s responses differently than you do, too. I’m surprised you shared all of those screenshots here. Would that upset her? I guarantee those screenshots have been screenshot. Would that upset her?

I’m going to leave this thread with this: Based on my experience here over the last twenty years, I highly suspect you are taking advice and instructions from some guy with very little or no real world experience. I suspect he is giving you these instructions and advice and jacking off while you tell him what you did to your wife. I can’t help but notice he hasn’t posted in this thread. Does he have any posting history here at all? I would encourage you to listen to more reasonable voices, but you seem very opposed to that. I wish you and your wife the best.

Yes, she does know I participate in a sex forum and I post screenshots. My argument to her is there is no chance of being identified and called out since only herself and me know the details. She trusts me. Technology is my expertise. Let's just say my line of work involves investigation.

Let us say that this Lit Dom is actually a 14 year old kid who has read all of the D/s BDSM stories here on Lit. Let's say he's pretending to be a 50 year old male with a perfectly submissive wife and is advising me to that effect.

What does it matter to me as long as I feel it's real?

The nature of this form of communication allows any one of us to assume whatever online personality we want. You can be whoever you want to be when you're online. In real life, pretending to be someone you are not is difficult because it involves acting skills. Online, you can't see the other person, no acting skills are required. When you're online, you can have multiple personalities. Perhaps one user is posting to the same thread both as a Dom and a submissive. Perhaps this person is living out some kind of fantasy. It doesn't matter to me as long as it sounds real. I believe it. Even though in the back of my mind, I know that the computer screen allows a level of autonomy much greater than real life.

This is why online bullying tends to be much more severe than in person bullies. When you bully someone in person, better be ready for a fight (boys). When you bully someone online, you're completely safe. And the way girls bully online can be much worse than what girls can do in person. Again, the screen protects the bully.

That is why you feel so empowered to tear a strip out of me in this thread. You are online and therefore safe.

There is a lot of academia research in this area BTW. Many have based their thesis and defences on this topic of online / multiple online personalities.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

No one is bullying you. We were trying to help you. You don’t want the help, that’s fine. That’s your prerogative.

By the way, a LOT of people from this site know who I am. We are friends on social media and in person outside of this site. I met two of my best friends in the world from this site; we get together in person. I am not anonymous/pseudonymous here to many. My partner knows I am here and knows my username. I am certainly not behaving in a way I would not behave in person (including my eye roll post). Perhaps if we were in person you could have heard the tone in our responses and wouldn’t have reacted as defensively as you have. When we have said we are worried for you and your wife, it means exactly what is said there and no more. When several of us have said we wish you the best, that’s what is meant. You feeling bullied says a lot about you and nothing about the folks in this thread. Maybe reflect on that instead of calling people bullies. This thread is exasperating and I do not have the time or energy to concern myself with your antics. Keep giving your dom the wank fodder and keep ignoring that your wife is a person with her own desires and feelings, that’s definitely your prerogative.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Thank you, your post differs from others. I'll need to re-read it to try and absorb your advice.

Can I offer a rebuttal?

I see it with a simple lens. My favorite food is steak, Spanish rice pilaf and tiramisu. That doesn't mean I'm going to eat it every day. If I do, it probably won't be my favorite for very long. I also have a favorite artist (music), but I listen to a variety of music.

It seems like your wife likes a wide variety of music too but she doesn’t seem too fond of indie pop.
Does it have to go on the playlist? Could you explore together and see if there is some flavour of indie pop she can actually get into?
Can you make a special playlist for the indie pop that you use on special agreed upon times?

I get that it can be tough to get the kind of feedback you are getting but as far as I can tell people are chiming in to help and out of concern. There are places where you would get your ass handed to you in small pieces for not having a safeword and a contract and whatnot.

But fine, you want examples of what you can do? Could you just branch out from the silly cosplay she likes in the D/s direction? Go ahead and be Jabba to her Leia or strict headmaster to her naughty schoolgirl or something. Perhaps branch out the puppy play, because puppy needs training?
Baby steps and then text about what you both liked.

 

[77fbird400]

It seems like your wife likes a wide variety of music too but she doesn’t seem too fond of indie pop.
Does it have to go on the playlist? Could you explore together and see if there is some flavour of indie pop she can actually get into?
Can you make a special playlist for the indie pop that you use on special agreed upon times?

I get that it can be tough to get the kind of feedback you are getting but as far as I can tell people are chiming in to help and out of concern. There are places where you would get your ass handed to you in small pieces for not having a safeword and a contract and whatnot.

But fine, you want examples of what you can do? Could you just branch out from the silly cosplay she likes in the D/s direction? Go ahead and be Jabba to her Leia or strict headmaster to her naughty schoolgirl or something. Perhaps branch out the puppy play, because puppy needs training?
Baby steps and then text about what you both liked.

Good point.

I didn't intend to imply that I was being bullied. I'm not being bullied. I was using online bullying as an example of how people feel more empowered to share what they truly feel than when they are speaking to someone online. When you speak to someone in person, you often filter what you say. Not so much when online.

That is why when I have a sensitive question to ask my wife, I like to text her instead. That is why when I need a co-worker to do something I know they don't want to do, I'll ask in person. It's harder for them to say no to me in person.

OMG the Jabba and Leia is a great idea! I'm going to run with that!

THANK YOU this is what I was after! Although I hate the thought I have to play Jabba lol. Hmm.. what about Vader and Leia when he catches her or interrogates her?

She will ABSOLUTELY LOVE THIS IDEA!!!!!

She will totally eat this up!!!!!

And she can totally be silly about it!!!!!

Plus we are both Star Wars nuts!!!!!

And we already have a number of props (just not used for sex)

Screw this D/s stuff, that is what we'll do!!!!!

So many movies, scenes and scenarios, this could last for a long time!!!!!

THANK YOU SO MUCH!

EXACTLY what I was looking for when I started this thread!

Can I say this is my idea? haha

I'm SO disappointed I didn't think of this! And we were matching Mandalorian last night too.

End of thread. It's a happy ending folks. Post no more.

Edit: we don't do the schoolgirl thing often, or at all. Kids all go to private schools, they wear uniforms. Already do the pet girl training scenario, 5+ years now, it's not that exciting anymore.

 

[wicked woman]

...

Screw this D/s stuff, that is what we'll do!!!!!

...

Yes, please do.

The whole issue is that we took you at your word when you said you were a novice couple on a 'journey into the world of Dominance and submission' and were having trouble. We wanted/tried to help (not 'roast', 'lambast' or 'bully' and yes you said that). But you weren't interested in D/s at all. You wanted some sexy role playing ideas where your wife does what you say. Nothing wrong with that, just don't call it D/s. It's not.

And once again, I wish your wife well.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Let us say that this Lit Dom is actually a 14 year old kid who has read all of the D/s BDSM stories here on Lit. Let's say he's pretending to be a 50 year old male with a perfectly submissive wife and is advising me to that effect.

What does it matter to me as long as I feel it's real?

As a solo fantasy? Not much.

When there's a third person in this picture, who isn't the fantasy perfect sub but a real human being with feelings? Plenty.

The nature of this form of communication allows any one of us to assume whatever online personality we want. You can be whoever you want to be when you're online. In real life, pretending to be someone you are not is difficult because it involves acting skills. Online, you can't see the other person, no acting skills are required.

Yes and no.

Online fakery is pretty easy in a one-on-one conversation. It becomes much harder in an online community where people know one another, because then you have to fool all of the people all of the time.

We get an assortment of sleazy types and predators around here. But people here talk to one another. If the same guy is sending the same horny PM to every woman he talks to... people will compare notes, and find that out, and spread the word. If the same guy keeps popping up looking for young inexperienced women and offering his services as a "teacher", with a story that varies in the details every time he tells it, the regulars here will notice that and call him out when he does it.

If I want to convince a crowd of experienced BDSMers here that I'm a knowledgeable dom, worth listening to, pretty much the only way is by demonstrating that I know what I'm talking about. They can't tell whether I'm fibbing about my hair colour or whatnot, but if I start saying something like "and then suspend her from her handcuffs", they will recognise me instantly as a dangerous fake and that reputation will follow me here.

If I want to convince one inexperienced person in a PM conversation, where nobody else can see that conversation and call bullshit, that's a different proposition.

 

[Vix_Giovanni]

Thank you, your post differs from others. I'll need to re-read it to try and absorb your advice.

Can I offer a rebuttal?

I see it with a simple lens. My favorite food is steak, Spanish rice pilaf and tiramisu. That doesn't mean I'm going to eat it every day. If I do, it probably won't be my favorite for very long. I also have a favorite artist (music), but I listen to a variety of music.

This thread will still be on the site for posterity, so JIC someone later comes along with similar questions and searches for this thread, my short reply:

Yes, absolutely, any suggestion of mine (on this entire forum) is merely a rebuttable opinion. However, I think that you may be oversimplifying things with your “favorite dinner” analogy. Making steak dinner is probably unlikely to put significant strain on your marriage—e.g., your wife’s ability to feel safe and supported and protected in both your marriage and sex play. However, pushing your wife to engage in D/s play that she’s not excited about could create that kind of strain. Putting this back in context of your favorite dinner metaphor, it would be analogous to asking her to make/eat your favorite meal for dinner despite knowing that she has a food allergy.

Hope the Star Wars cosplay is fun and inspires you guys to communicate more and find more scenarios that are mutually pleasing.

_____​

EDIT (a day later): I’m adding this following note; again, this is in case someone with similar circumstances comes along at a later time looking for similar advice.

Some of the latter comments on this topic are ones I personally find appalling—such as the suggestion that this OP’s love for his wife and children is merely a nice “intention”. But there’s comments about D/s contracts that I’ve noticed have a bad legal misunderstanding about contracts, and that concerns me.

First of all, IMHO, it is important to keep in perspective that this OP and wife have been together and married for cumulative twenty years. Not only do they live together, day in and day out, raising a family (teenagers no less!) and building a life together, they also, as demonstrated by their own text correspondence, have found their own unique love language and are simply looking for ways to keep the fire burning in their sex life. That’s commendable. The OP shouldn’t have been bullied for being a good husband. And it’s myopically inappropriate to reduce his primary obligation as a husband and father to this Lit thread discussion about cosplay and D/s exploration.

The info about contracts is also off base advice for a couple that has been together/married 20 years. If you are playing in a club, or in a power exchange relationship with someone you don’t know well or aren’t married to, then yes, it’s a good idea to have something written that memorializes the agreement between all parties involved. It’s good for trust and morale. It’s good for fostering communication. It’s good for setting boundaries. But, in reality, from a legal perspective, all that is very soft: from a legal perspective, the real purpose of such a contract is to define the agreement and disclaim liabilities. And for professionals and clubs, those disclaimers are critical elements of the contract.

But in a marriage, the parties already have a contract, and they have no liabilities to one another that can be disclaimed: they have a marriage contract. In the U.S. and other common law countries, the law already presumes that parties to a marriage contract (ie spouses) agree to communicate about marital things, particularly sex and sexual desires! A marriage contract obviously supersedes any written sex play agreement; if a married couple doesn’t feel like they want or need it, then they simply don’t need one.

The law already presumes that if a husband can’t talk to his wife about safe words and collaring, then they have much bigger issues than a power contract could ever fix!

And yes, I’m a lawyer with contract law expertise.

However, this observation isn’t merely based on my own legal knowledge. I don’t want to go into too many specifics because I like to protect my anonymity. But my SO and I are friendly with a couple who deal with this on a first-hand basis because the husband is an internationally respected BDSM teacher. He teaches all over the world and has all kinds of contracts for his teaching business—including power exchange contracts with the handful of women who he has accepted as his subs. But a contract with his own wife who’s an attorney???? That would just be silly.

 

[77fbird400]

And once again, I wish your wife well.

This post is brilliant. I didn't get it the first time around but I got it now.

One last kick at the dog on your way out.

Very subtle, hardly noticeable. Very passive aggressive.

Very well played!!! Commendable. I'm not even joking!

You know, I conceded, you saved my wife from a nasty husband who was trying to dominate her. But you had to take one last kick in the crotch on your way out.

lol

I hope this thread stays on Lit for others to enjoy. It has been fun! I've received another PM from a woman who informs me that the Lit royalty has been participating in this thread. I haven't been active here long enough to know that. Well that explains it, no chance for me when I'm up against chess masters.

Anyways, I sincerely wish that you are all living your best lives, whatever that looks like!

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

God don't we love that one litster who PMs behind the scenes and condescending.


<deletes long post bc it doesn't really matter anymore>


Sorry, if you're old enough to have teenagers, you should be old enough to know not to ask for opinions and advice if you don't really want it.



The Lit Dom thing is really at the top of my list of things that make me squeamish here. You said in post one that you weren't into cucking but it seems to me that this person had you, at the very least, submitting to him a bit.


I think maybe you really just wanted a blog and got more than you anticipated.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

Right, PLP! That one behind the scenes person who sends the all-knowing PM always makes me laugh. Which of us is Lit Royalty? Not going to lie, I’ve been considering adding it to my signature since I read the post.

I hadn’t put the pieces together that he’s essentially been cucked by his “mentor,” but I think you’re absolutely right.

Incidentally, the OP does seem to understand the concepts of contracts and safe words in another thread. He understands why a professional domme wouldn’t play without a safe word, and his statement speaks to his intent with regards to not having one. The sub must endure it to get out. *shivers*

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

Right, PLP! That one behind the scenes person who sends the all-knowing PM always makes me laugh. Which of us is Lit Royalty? Not going to lie, I’ve been considering adding it to my signature since I read the post.

I hadn’t put the pieces together that he’s essentially been cucked by his “mentor,” but I think you’re absolutely right.

Incidentally, the OP does seem to understand the concepts of contracts and safe words in another thread. He understands why a professional domme wouldn’t play without a safe word, and his statement speaks to his intent with regards to not having one. The sub must endure it to get out. *shivers*

Exactly and the inability to talk about it in person would be an instant deal breaker for me if I was him. A huge part of my subbiness joy is the discussion, the talk, the emotional dissection. Without that, it's not D/s. And that's a thing a lot of "Lit Doms" lack, which would disqualify them for me.

 

[Dreamliner]

No one is bullying you. We were trying to help you. You don’t want the help, that’s fine. That’s your prerogative.

By the way, a LOT of people from this site know who I am. We are friends on social media and in person outside of this site. I met two of my best friends in the world from this site; we get together in person. I am not anonymous/pseudonymous here to many. My partner knows I am here and knows my username. I am certainly not behaving in a way I would not behave in person (including my eye roll post). Perhaps if we were in person you could have heard the tone in our responses and wouldn’t have reacted as defensively as you have. When we have said we are worried for you and your wife, it means exactly what is said there and no more. When several of us have said we wish you the best, that’s what is meant. You feeling bullied says a lot about you and nothing about the folks in this thread. Maybe reflect on that instead of calling people bullies. This thread is exasperating and I do not have the time or energy to concern myself with your antics. Keep giving your dom the wank fodder and keep ignoring that your wife is a person with her own desires and feelings, that’s definitely your prerogative.

https://encrypted-tbn0.***********/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQTA22mrFzgshep6lS7-qvO1NleY8iITCGLuQ&usqp=CAU

 

[77fbird400]

you, at the very least, submitting to him a bit.

I realise that you probably said that inadvertently. But if I'm going to submit to another guy virtual or otherwise, one of us is going to have to loose some teeth first. I'll submit to a woman. I'll concede to a guy, surrender, obey but no way in hell I'm going to submit to a guy I don't care who they are. Don't think about this. You wouldn't understand. It's a male-culture thing.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

I realise that you probably said that inadvertently. But if I'm going to submit to another guy virtual or otherwise, one of us is going to have to loose some teeth first. I'll submit to a woman. I'll concede to a guy, surrender, obey but no way in hell I'm going to submit to a guy I don't care who they are. Don't think about this. You wouldn't understand. It's a male-culture thing.

Perhaps not all male culture.
I think there are plenty of lovely men and couples who would enjoy it even if you wouldn't.

Spread those horizons, guy

 

[KimGordon67]

I realise that you probably said that inadvertently. But if I'm going to submit to another guy virtual or otherwise, one of us is going to have to loose some teeth first. I'll submit to a woman. I'll concede to a guy, surrender, obey but no way in hell I'm going to submit to a guy I don't care who they are. Don't think about this. You wouldn't understand. It's a male-culture thing.

It's just weird how determined you are to boil everything you don't like down to some 'men are from Mars, women are from Venus' explanation. This is so not the case. Most of the people who have contributed to this thread have a long history of quite involved exchanges with people of other genders on the boards. I can't think of any of mine that have had a 'you wouldn't understand because you're a woman' dynamic (except for the dicks on the GB who dismiss the opinion of anyone with a vagina automatically, but that's usually about politics, not sex). Almost everyone here is interested in those exchanges because they learn something about the dynamics of sexual relations between two (or more) people. I've had first one and then a follow up thread running for years that work like that.

Also, I really don't think PLP said that inadvertantly. You really aren't giving people here enough credit.

As has been pointed out a number of times, everyone to originally contributed to this thread did so because they took your original statement about interest in a d/s dynamic seriously, and wanted to ensure that it was done safely and sanely. You chose to largely ignore what people said, not really read their posts, be defensive, and explain why the experience of multitudes of people and the generally agreed upon guidelines of engaging in bdsm sexual activities didn't apply to you and your wife ... all the while saying you wanted to do d/s 'properly'. It's just confusing.

 

[seela]

Hey guys, don’t you think this is quite enough already?

I think some posts stopped being about offering help, support and guidance and started to feel more like piling on.