Kinky Poems

[todski28]

Aww, lol, I knew you wouldn't appreciate the explanation but I say you didn't get confused, you went here the words, as you read them led you. That valuable info to me. Shows that it's kinkier than I thought.

I went in a similar direction to tsotha was going to comment tonight but got beaten to ir

 

[twelveoone]

Because to me it was better for conveying uneasy/uncomfortable as well as problems such as my sister's, who had cancer removed from her tongue, and thus has physical difficulty speaking.

The whole pieces is about speaking when it's difficult to do so for emotional/social/physical reasons. How doing so despite those difficulties brings people closer to one another, even if it's only momentarily and can potentially thwart later regret, thus the title.

in that case forgive my rewrite,
can the ocean. drowning. the empty glass. Focus on the mouth.

 

[greenmountaineer]

Thanks for explaining and best wishes to your sister

Because to me it was better for conveying uneasy/uncomfortable as well as problems such as my sister's, who had cancer removed from her tongue, and thus has physical difficulty speaking.

The whole pieces is about speaking when it's difficult to do so for emotional/social/physical reasons. How doing so despite those difficulties brings people closer to one another, even if it's only momentarily and can potentially thwart later regret, thus the title.

Sis does damn good for what she's got to work with. The piece isn't about her but she's the first example of physical speech issues that comes to mind.

Given your explanation, Trix, I wonder why it couldn't be both. That may be too sentimental for some(perhaps you too), but your piece reminded me of a poem written by Anne Sexton in which she's addressing her aunt, now deceased, which, of course, is beside the point with respect to your sister.

I've provided a hyperlink if you're interested in looking at it:

http://m.poemhunter.com/poem/some-foreign-letters/

It's a much longer poem than yours is. The narrative is an homage, but I think says alot about the poet's view of life.

Getting back to sentimentality for a moment, the "Confessional Poets," of which Sexton was one, I don't think are as popular today for that reason. So I have some mixed feelings about even raising the issue, except to provoke some thinking.

I'm not so sure about the title BTW. I had some trouble connecting it with the poem itself, which I liked very much.

 

[Trixareforkids]

.....

 

[pensivepoet]

Salty oceans is maybe redundant?
~something like,
Pull me into the oceans
Salting your mind?
No, that sounds too jeffrey dahmer
Never mind

 

[Trixareforkids]

Salty oceans is maybe redundant?
~something like,
Pull me into the oceans
Salting your mind?
No, that sounds too jeffrey dahmer
Never mind

Shit, I grabbed the wrong version. Gonna edit.

 

[pensivepoet]

Salty oceans just sounds too cutsie.
And you're not a cutsie writer, which isn't to say you're not cutsie, cuz you're very cutsie, not that i know, but if i did know, i'm sure i'd say you're cutsie.
Shit
Nevermind again

 

[Trixareforkids]

LOL, I've been called cute (though not cutsie) my entire life.

I edited, take another look.

 

[pensivepoet]

LOL, I've been called cute (though not cutsie) my entire life.

I edited, take another look.

Glad to see the briny brain in form

 

[Trixareforkids]

Glad to see the briny brain in form

Ha! I'll bet you're a salty dog.

 

[ninianne]

First off, I read the rest of the discussion, so I thought I would start here.

I think that you have an interesting set of images here that are evoking some mixed emotions in it. There's a sense of power in the images--I don't know who the "you" is, but she's dangerous--I'm getting siren images from the drown-y bits, especially when combined with the emphasis on dry and foam in the first bit which are all ocean connected in my head.

One thing I did notice was that you have an adjective-noun construction thing going (empty glass, full platter, vast oceans, starved lungs) where the adjectives give me more questions about meaning than they answer (I should add salty mind, because it has the same rhythm, but it is fresher than the other adjectives).
What do I mean by that? Well, why is the glass empty (because "you" drank from it? to contrast with full? because the narrator drank it?), and what does it mean that it's empty (good, bad, cruel) what is the platter full of (food? salt? the ocean? blood?), why is it important to state that the oceans are vast (isn't that a given?)--in other words, the words are stopping short of delivering a connotatively, emotionally rich image. So, consider going through and taking those images and adding feeling to them, if that makes sense.
I also question "foam spittled dry lips," there's something in that phrase that I like because of the image but the rhythm feels too machine-gun (rat tat a tat tat) for the poem (which may be the fact that it's so sea based and the rhythm there feels more mechanical).

I think that if you switch the last line for "for" you need to switch out forever for another word that means that.

The title: The original had reference to a marriage ceremony, which felt funny in context of the poem, but this one almost feels too flat. I don't know what I'd name it, though, because I hate naming things. It's one of the last things I do to a piece. Maybe something to do with blood, oceans, or tongues.

Finally, I know you said you mostly liked it--so feel free to ignore everything I say:

Speak to me
with dis eased tongue (do you need the "with" that would make it direct address)
over foam spittled dry lips (what if you switched this so you were giving the "you" another order--something like: spit foam over dry lips)
about what (this line feels place-holder as it is--is there a way to give it a verb instead? What if you switched the order--line three and one switch, then you're linking the phrase contained in lines one and four more closely, maybe even one line--speak to me of what)
bleeds your heart
cramps your brain
about the empty glass and (does this about mean another topic under discussion, or is the bleeding and cramping caused by the empty glass and full platter? could go either way, and I'm not sure that's a functioning ambiguity)
full platter before you

Pull me into
the vast oceans (do you need vast?)
of your salty mind
hold me under
kicking and fighting to surface (do you need the and? or the to surface?)
until I breathe your words
into my starved lungs (I don't really like starved lungs--it feels a bit expected/unnecessary, but what if you cut into-slowly: until I breathe your words / drown in them)
slowly drown in them

And I will love you forever (is there a switch word here you could use? eternally? always (which has the added benefit of being two words in one so you could play with that again)
in that moment

There's a real strength to this poem, despite the kinks.

 

[Trixareforkids]

Hi Ninnianne,

Thanks for your thoughtful run through.

You have some points that I will think about and others don't fit in with my thoughts on the piece, but I still appreciate you sharing, it's good to see other view points.

First, the original title. It wasn't about weddings or marriage, though I can see people thinking that, which is why I changed it. It's that small window you're given to speak or not. With some people it's all you ever get, yet we mostly talk about little nothing things, "polite" conversation, thus the current title.

The piece in general is about sharing the things that matter, at least to the person who is speaking, or being implored to speak.


Speak to me
with dis eased tongue already discussed
over foam spittled dry lips this is a clear image in my head, not changing
about what the flow changed here from my original, before it all ran together, now I've broken it up trying to mimic the slow, sometimes awkward start to a conversation
bleeds your heart what do you care about
cramps your brain what do you worry about
about the empty glass and what do you think is broken
full platter before you what fulfills you

Pull me into
the vast oceans you're right, it's trite, overdone, I do feel it needs something though
of your salty mind
hold me under
kicking and fighting to surface don't want a comma, so 'and' stays, and yes to keeping 'to surface' as well, the thought is that the speaker has made me lose myself in their view of life/the world, I've got to struggle to incorporate it into my own
until I breathe your words
into my starved lungs I can probably drop starved
slowly drown in them it takes time to absorb someone else's view, see how/if it changes your own, so this stays

And I will love you forever this went well with the original title, will think on it some more
in that moment


Some people hate a breakdown of the thought behind a piece, but here, where I'm trying to improve the expression of a thought, I feel it's necessary. That it may garner more focused feedback. Well, lol, if any additional feedback is forthcoming.

Thank you again Ninianne,

 

[ninianne]

Hi Ninnianne,

Some people hate a breakdown of the thought behind a piece, but here, where I'm trying to improve the expression of a thought, I feel it's necessary. That it may garner more focused feedback. Well, lol, if any additional feedback is forthcoming.

Thank you again Ninianne,

It's your poem, you know what's best for it--trying to focus in on what it feels like you're still questioning.

The title: So, if you're going for a mirror to polite conversation, missed connections--what you didn't say--polite nothings = impolite everythings
Like I said, I'm no good at titles. But if you want to focus on the conversation, you might want to go with something like "what I didn't say" or "closing the window" I don't know.

If you're serious about wanting the first stanza to kind of move haltingly, why not repeat the first line--as though you had to circle back around to the beginning. What bothers me most about "about what" is that it's necessary for the phrase, but the phrase is not close enough so it doesn't track for me as a phrase (and if I try, I could use phrase a couple more times in a sentence--sigh). Did that make sense? But if you bring the beginning of the phrase into to fourth line again, you have the repetition--as though the speaker is trying to say something but the you isn't having it.

I like bleeds your heart (connotation of leeches/wounding/healing) and cramps your brain (connotation of PMS/tense/stress). I think I get the connection to meaning there. If the empty glass is something broken, and the full platter something that sustains, could you bring the images back into the you's body somehow? you have some great body imagery already--tongue, heart, brain--what about eyes, hands, ears, stomach, liver--something more visceral to attach to the concept you want to work with?

about the ocean adjective--is there a word or concept you can think of that would connect to movement in some way? Is this a still/lifeless ocean, is it a teardrop ocean, is it a storm dark ocean . . . you see? how does the speaker assume that the you feels? or is it a mystery--does this ocean hide monsters? You know what you want your reader to feel, so you're the one who has to get us there.

 

[twelveoone]

Hi Ninnianne,

Thanks for your thoughtful run through.

You have some points that I will think about and others don't fit in with my thoughts on the piece, but I still appreciate you sharing, it's good to see other view points.

First, the original title. It wasn't about weddings or marriage, though I can see people thinking that, which is why I changed it. It's that small window you're given to speak or not. With some people it's all you ever get, yet we mostly talk about little nothing things, "polite" conversation, thus the current title.

The piece in general is about sharing the things that matter, at least to the person who is speaking, or being implored to speak.


Speak to me
with dis eased tongue already discussed
over foam spittled dry lips this is a clear image in my head, not changing
about what the flow changed here from my original, before it all ran together, now I've broken it up trying to mimic the slow, sometimes awkward start to a conversation
bleeds your heart what do you care about
cramps your brain what do you worry about
about the empty glass and what do you think is broken
full platter before you what fulfills you

Pull me into
the vast oceans you're right, it's trite, overdone, I do feel it needs something though
of your salty mind
hold me under
kicking and fighting to surface don't want a comma, so 'and' stays, and yes to keeping 'to surface' as well, the thought is that the speaker has made me lose myself in their view of life/the world, I've got to struggle to incorporate it into my own
until I breathe your words
into my starved lungs I can probably drop starved
slowly drown in them it takes time to absorb someone else's view, see how/if it changes your own, so this stays

And I will love you forever this went well with the original title, will think on it some more
in that moment


Some people hate a breakdown of the thought behind a piece, but here, where I'm trying to improve the expression of a thought, I feel it's necessary. That it may garner more focused feedback. Well, lol, if any additional feedback is forthcoming.

Thank you again Ninianne,

ok, then you see some of it goes in cliched places, a cliche generates no thought.
empty glass. full platter (plate) bleeds your heart...

 

[Trixareforkids]

ok, then you see some of it goes in cliched places, a cliche generates no thought.
empty glass. full platter (plate) bleeds your heart...

Cliches are useful. They're concepts people already understand, and don't have to think about, and are being used to lead them to the thing I do want them to think about. I could spend the time finding another way to say the same thing, but it's very possible that in doing so it would distract readers from the main theme.

 

[twelveoone]

Cliches are useful. They're concepts people already understand, and don't have to think about, and are being used to lead them to the thing I do want them to think about. I could spend the time finding another way to say the same thing, but it's very possible that in doing so it would distract readers from the main theme.

or otherwise, as it did me.

 

[champagne1982]

Cliches are useful. They're concepts people already understand, and don't have to think about, and are being used to lead them to the thing I do want them to think about. I could spend the time finding another way to say the same thing, but it's very possible that in doing so it would distract readers from the main theme.

You voice the same argument I've used before, trix. Sometimes I see where dropping a cliche can be useful. Watch:

Pull me into
the vast oceans
of your salty mind
hold me under
fighting to surface
until I breathe in gulp your words
then slowly drown

Anything in pale green could be deleted without losing the whole idea of water. Anything in italics remains optional since I added or changed your words to suit my thoughts.

 

[Trixareforkids]

Thanks Champagne, with that example I agree. Oceans can be dropped completely the way you've arranged it.

I think I like 'swallow' better than gulp though. I can't think gulp without thinking 7-11 Big Gulp

 

[champagne1982]

Thanks Champagne, with that example I agree. Oceans can be dropped completely the way you've arranged it.

I think I like 'swallow' better than gulp though. I can't think gulp without thinking 7-11 Big Gulp

And alas. A new cliche takes a soggy first breath. LOL

 

[butters]

Impolite Conversation

Speak to me
with dis eased tongue
over foam spittled dry lips
about what
bleeds your heart
cramps your brain
about the empty glass and
full platter before you

Pull me into
the vast oceans
of your salty mind
hold me under
kicking and fighting to surface
until I breathe your words
into my starved lungs
slowly drown in them

And I will love you forever
in that moment

hi trix, just a few quick thoughts and some ideas, dismiss if hey're not for you

you say 'the empty glass' is about 'what's broken'. i don't get that from the visual or the familiarity: it takes me to the state of mind of not being able to see the good in any given situation - something that (for me) actually works in this context rather than the broken thing.

you're more aware of the speech-patterning you've heard than us (cap'n obvious statement, duh), but i also think 12 has a point about moving those 'about's about - it makes for broken speech.

the final two lines sit awkwardly with me. a simple statement, says what you want it to say, yet i'm having trouble feeling it. in fact, when you first posted this i had a whole lot of trouble feeling it as an entire piece - it left me confused and so i wanted to think about it some.

k, what i'm doing below is just me 'think-typing' aloud:

Impolite Conversation

Speak to me
dis eased tongue
foam-spittled dry lips
about what bleeds
your heart about
cramps your brain about
the empty glass
the full platter before you

Pull me into
deep water
your salty mind
hold me under
struggling for light
till I breathe your words
slowly drown in them
lungs driven to discover
beauty
in bioluminescence

 

[Trixareforkids]

Oh my aching brain! LOL

I'ma give it one more shot later tonight. If I like it, I'll submit, if not, I'll file it away for the nonce.

Thank you all for your thoughtful input and insights.


Now, who's up next?

 

[butters]

Oh my aching brain! LOL

I'ma give it one more shot later tonight. If I like it, I'll submit, if not, I'll file it away for the nonce.

Thank you all for your thoughtful input and insights.


Now, who's up next?

ain't that always the trouble? we all want feedback but when we get lots and it's all varying in opinion and direction it messes with our heads. i feeeel your pain

step away from the poem *loudspeaker voice*
stick to what feels right. think first then just trust your instincts.

 

[Trixareforkids]

ain't that always the trouble? we all want feedback but when we get lots and it's all varying in opinion and direction it messes with our heads. i feeeel your pain

step away from the poem *loudspeaker voice*
stick to what feels right. think first then just trust your instincts.

Thanks, glad to know it's not just me. Still so much to absorb and learn. If after I go through it again it still feels kinky, I'll just let it sit a while.

And now I think I need to write something really kinky just for a change of pace, been writing all silly or serious lately. Gonna find a challenge that calls for HAWT

 

[twelveoone]

Oh my aching brain! LOL

I'ma give it one more shot later tonight. If I like it, I'll submit, if not, I'll file it away for the nonce.

Thank you all for your thoughtful input and insights.


Now, who's up next?

ha,ha,ha ms. code breaker, I'm going to throw something at you, I assume you know the difference between signal and noise. Jamming and counter measures. Poetry is not all that different.

Why is the mind "salty"? Is it because ocean was there?

 

[pelegrino]

FORWARDING


I like kinky,
just my kinky,
without hormones
from the Mormons.

I like screwy,
just my screwy,
empty moments
without comments.

I like flying,
just my flying,
without pooling
facts from schooling.

I like yielding,
just my yielding,
take or leave it,
forward give it.