Lien_Geller's Story Review Thread.

[Lien_Geller]

A Gift For Her Teacher

Here’s Katiecat’s A Gift For Her Teacher.

I like how you set up the scene with Carrie standing in the rain. My only thing is that you mention that it was raining twice when you don’t really need to. You also start that second rainy sentence with “And” which is something you should avoid if possible.

I’m only 8 or 9 paragraphs in so far, but I like the way you establish the mood and setting. Amping up the tension of a lone girl waiting for the bus only for a non-descript car to approach her, followed by the twist of it being an old friend is a nice shift in pace. It gives a nice introduction to both characters through a universally sympathetic situation (we’ve all gotten stuck out in the rain at one time or another).

This is nice, I actually get to give an example of something I liked! Here goes:

He didn't look like he'd changed at all since she was in his class -- same tousled brown hair, same easy smile, same kind blue eyes behind studious wire-rimmed glasses.

Really liked that. This is what I’m talking about when I say that character description should be about more than a simple visual run-down. You use a few elements of the guy to really give me a good idea about who he is in a single (albeit quite long) sentence. Very nicely done.

Again, I’d say watch your use of the double dash in your writing. It’s not really that you’re using it wrong, but it’s something that I’d say isn’t very common. This makes it stick out. If it sticks out it interrupts flow and see previous posts about my feelings on that.

You also struck a small pet peeve of mine when the protagonist initially describes herself as plain and then goes on to describe conventionally attractive features in an overly-critical way. ZOMG, she has large boobs and a big ass! Guys hate those! Freckles! She shouldn’t be seen in public! She should be sat under an opera house somewhere playing a pipe organ as the overworlders would clearly be repulsed by such a disfigurement!

If you want a character who isn’t confident or has issues with their body for whatever reason then that’s fine. Just do a little better to make us understand why that is rather than having her mourn over features that would normally be considered attractive.

Now let’s look at this:

An hour later, they were back with a tree...a stand...a couple of boxes of ornaments...a string of lights...all the things Carrie insisted Dave needed, and he had obliged because her bubbly enthusiasm was contagious.

Don’t use ellipses in place of commas. There should also be a space between the end of the ellipses and the start of the next word.

An hour later they were back with a tree, a stand, a couple of boxes of ornaments, a string of lights, and all the things Carrie insisted Dave needed. He had obliged because her bubbly enthusiasm was contagious.

That’s how I’d punctuate that. Less stop-start, more flow and generally more sense. Look out for ellipses in your editing passes and see if they’re really needed. Hint: In your work they’re mostly not.

I read to the end and it was a nice story. Other than the punctuation errors and annoyances you really do infuse your writing with a nice amount of personality. Your character work is good, although I do feel like you gloss over some important story beats. I’d like to have this story show more of a growing attraction between them before it went to smoochville. You show most of the attraction when they’re apart in Carrie's time in the shower. That would be better actually placed in the moments when they’re together. That’s just my opinion though, and there’s nothing majorly wrong with it.

I also thought that after all the foreplay that the ending was quite abrupt. I like a good tease as much as anyone but remember that the more you tease the more impactful you need the payoff to be. I was like: “Alright, now we’re getting staraaaaand it’s over.”

Other than that this was a really nice story and shows a marked improvement over your last one. It flows better, but there’s still room to get better and a few bad habits to kick before I think you could take it to the next level. Hope this was helpful!

 

[Areala-chan]

I think you're confusing "ambivalence" with "indifference". Very different beasts. Ambivalence can be tremendously effective in characterisation - see e.g. Gollum, Severus Snape, Mr. Darcy.

You're totally right. My apologies, LateNight. This is exactly what I did. Whoopsie...

 

[LateNightStories]

You're totally right. My apologies, LateNight. This is exactly what I did. Whoopsie...

No worries. In fact, ambivalence may quickly lead to indifference. "I'm not sure how to feel about this character so I think I'll feel nothing at all."

Peace and love!

 

[Lien_Geller]

Castles Made of Sand Ch. 01

This one is from LateNightStories and it’s called Castles Made of Sand Ch. 01.

Ok let me begin by saying no, no, no, no, no and no in varying patronizing tones. (You'll just have to imagine those) Don’t start with an explanation of your characters, setting and concept one by one. It’s like your author’s notes accidentally got copy/pasted onto the front of your story. If you want to introduce us to stuff then do it in the story, don’t just blurt it out at the start. It’s brazen info-dumping and it’s just awful to read.

The main thing with this is that there’s so much here that’s given to me out of context. I’m thinking what the fuck is Eshu and why does Sindbad need a patron god? Why the hell is there a city in the middle of a desert? Why do I need to know that The Sword of Khalid was once called the Dancing Sword?

I know I said that all good beginnings start out with a question of some sort, be it literal or otherwise, but it’s not so much about the question as it’s about making the reader want an answer. If you just pile on a load of randomly named crap at the beginning without a compelling character to anchor it for me then I just don’t care about the answers, or your story.

Ok, getting to the proper story I’d say your start is below average. It’s awakening from a dream that isn’t particularly interesting. It doesn’t do much to immediately make me invest myself in Hermes, or his situation. It fares slightly better when you mention the rash and add a little mystery of what’s going on. Is there a new sickness in the city? How bad is it? Can someone stop it? This is the kind of thing I can get behind. Too bad it’s never brought up again in this chapter.

You introduce Sindbad poorly. I’ve said this before but never tell me about main character traits in the narrative. Either actively present them to the reader in something the character does or says, and otherwise shut up about it. You can get away with it more with secondary characters, but I don’t want to be told this:

He was a great guy to hang out with - an accomplished jokester and drinking buddy.

If he’s a jokester then make me laugh and if he’s a good drinking buddy then show that through the character interaction.

Unfortunately your first interactions between Sindbad and Hermes are less character focused and aimed more at delivering exposition and plot points. I actually laughed at the line: “I’ve completed that heist I told you about.” As if that’s something you just plop into casual conversation like that.

I also noticed that for two friends talking their speech patterns are very formal. Again, this saps them of personality.

The entrance of the Dakini was a nice idea that wobbled a bit on the execution. Stuff like this is best served with a “less is more” attitude.

A veiled woman steps into a crowded area carrying a sheathed sword. Everyone gives her a wide berth. She goes to a fruit seller who gladly accepts her patronage without money before she’s challenged by the emissary. She moves so fast the eye can barely see and when she places her hand upon her sword the entire market falls silent.

That’s all you needed to convey there to make me think “Cool, who the hell is this woman!?” but instead you frequently stop to give me the back story of what she is. It spoils the effect and ruins the tension that you’re trying to build.

That being said, I actually do like your ideas quite a bit. You need to think a bit more about setting things up properly, but the actual basic components you’ve thought up are quite interesting. I’d like to have seen Sindbad actually take the dancing sword, or at least show how difficult it was to get it. Such payoffs are always better with a suitable build-up. You’re basically saying here that he just shows up with one of the biggest treasures in all the land. That doesn’t have the same effect.

I did like the note on how she picks up on his breathing during the fight. That was a nice little touch that made me look at the whole thing from a slightly different angle and it really put me in her shoes. Top stuff!

Also, Sindbad’s conversation with the Dakini was much more effective in getting across the concept of the gods and of Eshu than your opening notes. Although this conversation once again gets very exposition-heavy in the middle before the Dakini starts questioning Sindbad about his friend.

I do think that dialogue holds exposition better than simply chucking it in the main narrative. You can get other things in there as the characters talk about recent events, places or people. You can show humour and opinion along with other character traits. Just be aware that even dialogue has a limit to how much exposition it can hold without a break. The Dakini’s insight into her past life felt very devoid of actual personality as she reminisced.

The appearance of the whore wasn’t really my cup of tea. I was actually just getting interested in the Dakini and Sindbad’s conversation when it was interrupted. The sex was nicely described, but I didn’t have much interest in seeing those two get together. She arrived too late in the story to spark my interest.

Overall if this is a starting piece then it’s not bad. Your basic grasp of writing is workable, albeit with plenty of room for improvement. Still, there weren’t any distractions or repeated mistakes in the general narrative that took me out of the story. I’d say you need to work on further humanising your characters, which is something that’s exceptionally important if you’re going for a true anti-hero. Your characters do sometimes sound like robots.

Just out of curiosity, is English your first language? I’m not saying that as a criticism. (Oh and if it’s not your first language then you should be bloody proud of this.) It’s just that you don’t really seem all that familiar with the colloquialisms or rhythms of casual speech. That might be something to look into in future. I’m not saying to give your characters an accent (please don’t do that) but aim towards getting the balance right between clarity and the feeling of actual people talking.

Anyways, it’s an interesting start but it needs more work if it wants to appear on my favourites list. Don’t get disheartened though since a lot of the stuff I’ve mentioned here is a lot harder than it sounds. This is good stuff for a new writer, and nothing will make you get better quite as fast as writing more.

 

[LateNightStories]

Thank you very much! I agree with most of your points, but I've still taken the time to write some defensive rants. The reason is that I believe there are some clever stuff hidden beneath a very cluttered first chapter.

Just out of curiosity, is English your first language? I’m not saying that as a criticism. (Oh and if it’s not your first language then you should be bloody proud of this.) It’s just that you don’t really seem all that familiar with the colloquialisms or rhythms of casual speech. That might be something to look into in future. I’m not saying to give your characters an accent (please don’t do that) but aim towards getting the balance right between clarity and the feeling of actual people talking.

English is not my first language. I'm taking a year of English at Uni next year, so that I can teach it. Hopefully, this will help prepeare me. I'm fairly well versed in colloquialisms, but I might have been afraid of using slang or dialect that is connected to a certain place or time. Rhythm is a different thing. I usually avoid talking to much about it when I write papers on literature. I just don't get it.

Ok let me begin by saying no, no, no, no, no and no in varying patronizing tones. (You'll just have to imagine those) Don’t start with an explanation of your characters, setting and concept one by one. It’s like your author’s notes accidentally got copy/pasted onto the front of your story. If you want to introduce us to stuff then do it in the story, don’t just blurt it out at the start. It’s brazen info-dumping and it’s just awful to read.

I have a vivid imagination, I've spent the past two years studying religion and exposition is easy to write. Sue me! Point taken. Moving on...

The main thing with this is that there’s so much here that’s given to me out of context. I’m thinking what the fuck is Eshu and why does Sindbad need a patron god? Why the hell is there a city in the middle of a desert? Why do I need to know that The Sword of Khalid was once called the Dancing Sword?

A lot of the things that are mention off hand in the beginning will remain important throughout the story. The idea was to make people curious and to pick up the pieces later on. I guess I went a little overboard.

I know I said that all good beginnings start out with a question of some sort, be it literal or otherwise, but it’s not so much about the question as it’s about making the reader want an answer. If you just pile on a load of randomly named crap at the beginning without a compelling character to anchor it for me then I just don’t care about the answers, or your story.

The names are not random. They sound very cool when pronounced right. Point taken. Moving on...

Ok, getting to the proper story I’d say your start is below average. It’s awakening from a dream that isn’t particularly interesting. It doesn’t do much to immediately make me invest myself in Hermes, or his situation. It fares slightly better when you mention the rash and add a little mystery of what’s going on. Is there a new sickness in the city? How bad is it? Can someone stop it? This is the kind of thing I can get behind. Too bad it’s never brought up again in this chapter.

In the three first paragraphs, before Sindbad arrives, I was trying to convey some important points about the setting. Hermes dreams about a place that is very different from where he lives. He wakes up and sees beautiful women dressed in fancy clothes, but one of them shares the same deadly disease as himself. I want to convey from the start that Jahalia is a doomed city. It's a trading hub in the middle of a desert, rich on the type of wares that can be transported over long distances and sold for coin. In Hermes words, "you can't eat gold."

I'm actually quite pleased with this beginning and a bit disappointed by the fact that nobody seems impressed.

You introduce Sindbad poorly. I’ve said this before but never tell me about main character traits in the narrative. Either actively present them to the reader in something the character does or says, and otherwise shut up about it. You can get away with it more with secondary characters, but I don’t want to be told this:

He was a great guy to hang out with - an accomplished jokester and drinking buddy.

If he’s a jokester then make me laugh and if he’s a good drinking buddy then show that through the character interaction.

I guess, but wouldn't that have forced me to show Sindbad and Hermes on "a normal day"? Ain't nobody got time for that. We're telling a story here. I see your point, but it's difficult.

I actually laughed at the line: “I’ve completed that heist I told you about.” As if that’s something you just plop into casual conversation like that.

I was trying to convey his carefree attitude. At the same time, I guess the story is rushing to get along.

A veiled woman steps into a crowded area carrying a sheathed sword. Everyone gives her a wide berth. She goes to a fruit seller who gladly accepts her patronage without money before she’s challenged by the emissary. She moves so fast the eye can barely see and when she places her hand upon her sword the entire market falls silent.

Is this free for me to use?

I’d like to have seen Sindbad actually take the dancing sword, or at least show how difficult it was to get it. Such payoffs are always better with a suitable build-up. You’re basically saying here that he just shows up with one of the biggest treasures in all the land. That doesn’t have the same effect.

Sindbad's reputation will grow over the course of the history, mostly because of how he was able to break into the palace and steal the sword. In one of the last chapters, he will have to break in again. It is then revealed that it was much simpler than most would have believed. Sindbad's strenght is his ability to find simple solution to seemingly complicated problems.

Sindbad is very boisterous, trying to appear to be more than he is. In the next chapter, there is a contrasting character that is more than she first appears.

Also, Sindbad’s conversation with the Dakini was much more effective in getting across the concept of the gods and of Eshu than your opening notes. Although this conversation once again gets very exposition-heavy in the middle before the Dakini starts questioning Sindbad about his friend.

I do think that dialogue holds exposition better than simply chucking it in the main narrative. You can get other things in there as the characters talk about recent events, places or people. You can show humour and opinion along with other character traits. Just be aware that even dialogue has a limit to how much exposition it can hold without a break. The Dakini’s insight into her past life felt very devoid of actual personality as she reminisced.

I know this chapter is cramped with stuff that is not immediately important.

The Dakini is not supposed to really have much of a personality at this time. Part of her training is to deny the self.

There is a conversation between Sindbad and the Dakini in the next chapter that I think is much better. Promise. It really is.

The appearance of the whore wasn’t really my cup of tea. I was actually just getting interested in the Dakini and Sindbad’s conversation when it was interrupted. The sex was nicely described, but I didn’t have much interest in seeing those two get together. She arrived too late in the story to spark my interest.

Aisha was put in partly as "the token sex scene." However, she is also a very important device in showing the traits of other characters. Her life choices contrast that of Sindbad's other childhood friend, who is introduced in the next chapter.

 

[Lien_Geller]

Aha!

Ok, cool! Let’s engage with some criticism here.

First off, let’s talk about talking. Effective dialogue can be a real pisser to get right. Clarity is king when it comes to the technical side of writing, yet dialogue needs to sound genuine. People don’t generally speak in the way that we write. When we talk we pause at inopportune moments, we um and ah, we stutter, we stall. So, going for completely genuine sounding dialogue would read like a complete fucking catastrophe. However, if we go in the other direction we wind up with every character sounding completely the same and lacking any degree of personality or feeling to their words.

So we need to find a good balance between those two extremes. We don’t want to sound like we’re writing robots, and we don’t want the text to become indecipherable. All you can really do to get better at this is to read books and see how other writers handle dialogue effectively. Listen to how people speak in film and television (that’s generally much closer to what we’re after). Think about what makes it sound natural.

In fantasy you don’t have to worry so much about using modern colloquialisms as long as they don’t specifically reference something that doesn’t exist in your world. E.g, don’t say “oh hell” if there’s no such thing as hell in the world you’re writing. Other than that, it’s less about not feeling contemporary and more about just maintaining the tone properly.

Example:

“My good Mr. Bithlebottom! You have my deepest gratitude for attending my summons. It would be difficult to find better company on such a fine summers eve. Cuz we got bitches, brews an’ a whole load of crack up in here tonight, yo!”

That’s obviously an excessive example, but if you have a formal dialogue then even a single casual word can stick out like a sore thumb. Whereas if you keep the dialogue more casual you can get away with general colloquialisms. As I said, keep the tone right and you can nail it.

Rhythm of speech is quite important too. We talk differently to close friends than we would to a prospective employer. Part of it is in the words, but part of it is also in how those words are placed. Again, it’s quite a vague concept but if you take a closer look at effective dialogue you’ll see the patterns emerging!

In terms of how the story started I think that it would have been more effective if you’d firmly planted Sindbad as the protagonist from the outset. You could have maybe had him in a chase with the guards, showing his agility and wits as he weaves his way through the city. This would have immediately given a more active opening and gotten the reader to immediately invest in Sindbad. People love an underdog and a good chase. Then you could have had him lose the guards only for them to pick up his scent later. You could also have established that the bag he was carrying was extremely important to him. Again, that’d place importance on the sword which makes it special, and it makes us feel a bit more like he’s “earned” it.

Sorry, now I’m rewriting your story for you which isn’t a good way to criticise. I hope you see my point though.

Now let’s talk about introducing setting. This is harder to do than it used to be for fantasy writers. You can’t just dump a load of exposition at the start of the story any more and expect a modern reader to stay interested. It used to happen like that with stuff like David Eddings’ work, but it just doesn’t cut it in the modern fantasy genre. As a general rule, I’d say only introduce something about the setting if it’s directly and immediately relevant to the story. The exception to this rule is if you’re setting up a mystery or a twist in which case you’re going to need some foreshadowing or the reader will feel cheated.

Also, take a look at the parts of your story that are exposition-heavy and if possible try to spread them out. It’s easier for the reader to digest and understand that way, and you don’t risk losing their attention or sounding like a textbook. It’s clear from reading your story that you’re very excited about your world and what’s to come, but you can’t rely on “just stick around and it’ll all eventually get really interesting.”

Now I’m not saying your story isn’t interesting or anything awful like that. It’s just that you often pause in the action to give me some exposition that isn’t really necessary. You don’t spend enough time building up your characters so they fall a little bit flat in places, and suffer from infodumping dialogue.

I understand that you’re trying to keep up a pace for the story, but it feels like you’re glossing over some really important things such as investing readers in your characters. Instead, you’re happy to give paragraphs up to explaining stuff about the setting that doesn’t really seem like it needs an explanation just yet. In the case of the Dakini, your consistent pauses to explain their culture actively worked against my interest in the character.

Again, I’m being overly critical here and for a new writer who doesn’t speak English as a first language this was pretty fecking impressive. I just wanted to clarify some of the points I was making and explain some of the dos and don’ts I’ve found in fantasy writing.

 

[LateNightStories]

Thank you for all this advice you've given me. It's not unthinkable that I'll rewrite the first chapter once I feel my writing skills have improved.

One thing that I will not change, however, are the first three paragraphs. I feel they really set the tone and introduces one of the story's main themes in an eloquent way.

P.S. The second chapter starts with a chase scene involving a new character. It's quite short, but hopefully effective.

 

[Lien_Geller]

No problemo, I'm just here to spout my opinions and tell you what I thought. You're the one writing your story, so do with it as you like. Take on what you want and what's useful to you and broom the rest at your leisure. Either way, I hope I was helpful!

 

[Bramblethorn]

“My good Mr. Bithlebottom! You have my deepest gratitude for attending my summons. It would be difficult to find better company on such a fine summers eve. Cuz we got bitches, brews an’ a whole load of crack up in here tonight, yo!”

Am I the only one who really wants to read this story?

 

[Areala-chan]

Am I the only one who really wants to read this story?

Nope.

 

[CyranoJ]

“My good Mr. Bithlebottom! You have my deepest gratitude for attending my summons. It would be difficult to find better company on such a fine summers eve. Cuz we got bitches, brews an’ a whole load of crack up in here tonight, yo!”

This is exactly how I talk.

 

[Katiecat]

Hi Lien -- thanks for the critique. I appreciate your time and effort, and you brought up some good things. This story was one of the first I submitted here; I posted several in 2008, then went through a long dry spell in my writing, due to some serious personal family issues. But, now I'm back, and trying to write and post more. I'm looking over my older stories, seeing the flaws, and wishing I could edit them.

Again, I’d say watch your use of the double dash in your writing. It’s not really that you’re using it wrong, but it’s something that I’d say isn’t very common. This makes it stick out. If it sticks out it interrupts flow and see previous posts about my feelings on that.

Punctuation is definitely one of my weak spots. Shame on me, because I actually have a degree in Journalism/Communications, so I know how to punctuate correctly. The problem is that I write very conversationally. I tend to write out dialogue and descriptive scenes exactly like I hear them in my head, with pauses, stops, and starts, and I know I overuse dashes and ellipses. Just writing these couple of paragraphs I've had to purposely go back and edit out several double dashes; I see there is still one in the very first sentence, but to hell with it, I'm leaving it there. I'm such a rebel! Definitely something to work on, though.

I’d like to have this story show more of a growing attraction between them before it went to smoochville. You show most of the attraction when they’re apart in Carrie's time in the shower. That would be better actually placed in the moments when they’re together.

I get your point, but I'm not sure how I could have shown more of that. I knew it was going to be a really short story when I started (it's only 2 pages on here). It's third person, but definitely from Carrie's perspective. I mentioned more than once that she'd crushed on him pretty hard when she'd been his student for her last year of high school, even though nothing had happened between them. Then of course, her fantasizing in the shower and fitful night of sleep. I wasn't really in Dave's head, but he's helping her with her paper, buying dinner to share, inviting her over the next night, dinner again, then hanging out with her and letting her talk him into decorating his house for Christmas. I thought that was a pretty natural progression for him to make a move and try to kiss her. Because it was Carrie's perspective, I kind of wanted the reader to feel her shock and surprise, even disbelief that he felt the same attraction she did. Should have switched to his POV earlier, and indicated his interest more strongly?

You also struck a small pet peeve of mine when the protagonist initially describes herself as plain and then goes on to describe conventionally attractive features in an overly-critical way. ZOMG, she has large boobs and a big ass! Guys hate those! Freckles! She shouldn’t be seen in public! She should be sat under an opera house somewhere playing a pipe organ as the overworlders would clearly be repulsed by such a disfigurement!

If you want a character who isn’t confident or has issues with their body for whatever reason then that’s fine. Just do a little better to make us understand why that is rather than having her mourn over features that would normally be considered attractive.

This is the one point I have to totally disagree with you. I went over the story again, and I gave very clear indications of this. Carrie is shy, insecure, and inexperienced. She's bookish and a bit of a nerd; I should know, I wrote that Huxley/Orwell comparison paper for my college Sci Fi and Fantasy Lit class I'm an expert on being a geek girl.

She's 20 and still a virgin: ...no one had ever done this to her before. She'd made out with a few guys in school, a few uninspired gropes in the backseat, dry humping, a couple of quick hand jobs. But no man had ever taken the time to focus on her, to devote himself entirely to her pleasure.

When Carrie is criticizing her looks in the mirror, it isn't false modesty, and she isn't fishing for compliments. She's all by herself. And I can guarantee you that a lot of women tell themselves the same things, tear themselves down, focus on everything they feel are flaws, and have a hard time appreciating their good features. She is no raving beauty, and she is painfully, acutely aware of it. She wears glasses; she wears hoodies and t-shirts (not a fashionista); she has wavy hair (likely very unruly and messy in rainy weather); she has freckles (so she isn't tan). And there's just too much of me, she thought, frowning at her full breasts and smacking her ample ass in irritation -- so whether she's chubby, chunky, pleasantly curvy, fat, or just thinks she is, she likely isn't model slim.

So I think I explained pretty clearly why she has a lack of confidence about her sexual appeal. I also think that is realistic, and a lot of female readers can relate to that.

And your last point, that the story ended abruptly, I agree. I had intended to write a sequel for them, to continue where they left off, but due to those overwhelming personal issues (caring for my elderly mom through stroke, dementia, cancer, and hospice, then my husband being in a catastrophic accident), I just couldn't make myself write for a long time. But, now I'm baaaaaaaaaaaack I did post a short-short sequel in Romance, and it's scoring pretty well (though not spectacular). I'm wondering if A Gift For Her Teacher might have done better if I'd posted it in Romance rather than First Time?

Anyway, thanks for letting me respond, and thanks again for taking the time to review my story.

 

[Katiecat]

This is exactly how I talk.

I am quite positive that is exactly how you talk. I can hear it in my head.

 

[Bramblethorn]

When Carrie is criticizing her looks in the mirror, it isn't false modesty, and she isn't fishing for compliments. She's all by herself. And I can guarantee you that a lot of women tell themselves the same things, tear themselves down, focus on everything they feel are flaws, and have a hard time appreciating their good features. She is no raving beauty, and she is painfully, acutely aware of it. She wears glasses; she wears hoodies and t-shirts (not a fashionista); she has wavy hair (likely very unruly and messy in rainy weather); she has freckles (so she isn't tan). And there's just too much of me, she thought, frowning at her full breasts and smacking her ample ass in irritation -- so whether she's chubby, chunky, pleasantly curvy, fat, or just thinks she is, she likely isn't model slim.

I understand what you're saying here. It is ABSOLUTELY realistic for a woman with these features to think of herself as unattractive even if the rest of the world thinks she's gorgeous.

But IMHO your adjective choices undermine that message. "Full" and "ample" - yes, they do mean "big", but in this context they have positive connotations. Unless we're talking breast-feeding, "full breasts" is more likely to be a compliment than a criticism, ditto "ample ass".

Even though you're writing in third person, it's third person close, so readers are likely to take those choices as representing Carrie's perspective. Words with more negative baggage - say, "wobbly", "bulgy" etc - might be more consistent with that message of insecurity.

Or perhaps you want to convey "Carrie sees herself as unattractive but she actually has nice T&A"? If you want to make her look attractive, then that positive baggage is fine, but in that case it'd help to be clearer on the distinction between what's her self-assessment and Voice Of Author.

By the way:

Where was the damn bus? It should have been there 15 minutes ago, and it was dark and getting colder. And now it was raining, too... Carrie hesitated for only a moment, before sliding gratefully into the warm, dry car.

Was this a sneaky Police reference?

Wet bus stop, she's waiting
His car is warm and dry...

 

[Katiecat]

I understand what you're saying here. It is ABSOLUTELY realistic for a woman with these features to think of herself as unattractive even if the rest of the world thinks she's gorgeous.

But IMHO your adjective choices undermine that message. "Full" and "ample" - yes, they do mean "big", but in this context they have positive connotations. Unless we're talking breast-feeding, "full breasts" is more likely to be a compliment than a criticism, ditto "ample ass".

Even though you're writing in third person, it's third person close, so readers are likely to take those choices as representing Carrie's perspective. Words with more negative baggage - say, "wobbly", "bulgy" etc - might be more consistent with that message of insecurity.

Or perhaps you want to convey "Carrie sees herself as unattractive but she actually has nice T&A"? If you want to make her look attractive, then that positive baggage is fine, but in that case it'd help to be clearer on the distinction between what's her self-assessment and Voice Of Author.

Yes, that is exactly the message I was trying to convey. Carrie isn't ugly; she's not gorgeous, either, but she's extremely insecure and self-critical. I was trying to walk that line between what the omniscient narrator sees (maybe what a close female friend would see) and Carrie's negative self assessment in the mirror. Carrie had just abruptly brought her little fantasy in the shower about Dave to a screeching halt, telling herself, "Knock it off, no guys find me attractive." Even masturbating when she went to bed was more quick and utilitarian stress relief; she didn't allow herself to indulge in the fantasy again.

The theme of her insecurity carries over to the sequel I wrote for these two characters, "The Morning After".

By the way:

Was this a sneaky Police reference?

Wet bus stop, she's waiting
His car is warm and dry...

Right again -- two points to Gryffyndor! That song was one of the inspirations for this story (along with an unrequited mutual crush on a teacher that we never acted on, thank the gods!)

I am often inspired by songs and incorporate them into my stories, either as themes, or part of the setting or mood. I have a fem-dom story, "Fox Hunt" that was strongly inspired by Jethro Tull's "Hunting Girl". Not to everyone's taste, but it was a blast to write.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Yes, that is exactly the message I was trying to convey. Carrie isn't ugly; she's not gorgeous, either, but she's extremely insecure and self-critical. I was trying to walk that line between what the omniscient narrator sees (maybe what a close female friend would see) and Carrie's negative self assessment in the mirror.

I think this would have worked for me if I'd had been reading it as third-person omniscient; the leadup had given me the impression it was intended as third-person close, so I took this as Carrie's self-assessment.

Right again -- two points to Gryffyndor! That song was one of the inspirations for this story (along with an unrequited mutual crush on a teacher that we never acted on, thank the gods!)

I am often inspired by songs and incorporate them into my stories, either as themes, or part of the setting or mood. I have a fem-dom story, "Fox Hunt" that was strongly inspired by Jethro Tull's "Hunting Girl". Not to everyone's taste, but it was a blast to write.

I find it hard to write with music playing, but I often have something stuck in my head while I'm writing.

 

[Tio_Narratore]

I'd be interested in hearing your perspective on any of mine. Here's a short one...

A Desert Tale

 

[Lien_Geller]

A Desert Tale

Alrighty then! Apologies about the delay, but let’s take a look at A Desert Tale by Tio Narratore.

Okie doke, normally I give my thoughts on stories submitted here as I’m reading them so that the author can get a sort of “live action” insight as to what I’m thinking as I read. This story is only a few paragraphs long, so I’m just gonna blitz through it and sum up my thoughts at the end.

Ha! Ok, I have to say that out of the three words that you start your story with, two of them would probably rank in my top 20 least erotic words of all time. Also, as a life-long arachnophobe, this isn’t exactly my sort of thing. I get the feeling I’m supposed to be finding the act of the wasp and the tarantula perversely alluring from a different perspective. Instead, I’m just thinking “ew, ew, ew, EW!”

Yeah, so it’s a pretty weird thing to start out with.

This is a weird story to review, because I normally talk about elements of storytelling that don’t really exist in this piece. The characters are barely characterised and the plot is just an analogy. Normally, if someone had submitted anything like this to me I’d be tearing them a new one right about now. Except in your story it’s intentional in what I presume is an attempt to give the whole thing more of a raw impact. Everything’s pulled back except the sex and the imagery, which makes those two elements land a lot harder.

It’s an interesting idea, and it’s successful to a degree, but I don’t think it lands hard enough to make up for the lack of those more traditional elements. It’s also something that has a lot of powerful erotic language and yet it doesn’t last remotely long enough to be able to properly arouse. Five paragraphs? We’re here to tease, titillate and excite our readers. If you think someone is capable of fully immersing themselves into a steamy mood in the space of 5 paragraphs then you’re looking at someone with a serious problem with premature orgasms.

That being said, what I do see here is actually very good. The erotic writing is extremely vivid and exciting. The scene’s intensity is reflected well in the opening story of the spider and the wasp. I actually think that you’ve succeeded quite well in doing what you seem to be trying to do, but I just think you should try to do more.

All in all, it’s a fairly interesting concept piece. Not something that appeals to my tastes, but it does show a great flash of erotic writing that needs a bit more sizzle and a larger bang for my appetites.

Not really much else to say about this one! Hope this was at least a bit helpful.

 

[Tio_Narratore]

Thanks, Lien. Very helpful.

I think, perhaps, that the piece didn't aim so much at stimulation, that the sex wasn't there to be erotic, though it makes it seem an erotic story. When I finished it, it struck me as mostly an intense parallelism between the wasp's approach to reproduction and the woman's. You have shown me what it needs to become an erotic tale.

Again, thanks.

 

[Lien_Geller]

Any more?

 

[Katiecat]

Since no one else is in line, I'll throw myself in the volcano again.

Here's one I put in the Non-Human category. I believe one of the readers suggested it might have fared better in Sci-Fi/Fantasy. As always, thanks for your time.

Dream Girl

 

[Bramblethorn]

Since no one else is in line, I'll throw myself in the volcano again.

Here's one I put in the Non-Human category. I believe one of the readers suggested it might have fared better in Sci-Fi/Fantasy. As always, thanks for your time.

Dream Girl

Ms. Diana Archer

I see what you did there.

(And yet somehow I missed "Rod Johnson". Apparently my mind isn't as dirty as it ought to be.)

 

[Katiecat]

Ms. Diana Archer

I see what you did there.

(And yet somehow I missed "Rod Johnson". Apparently my mind isn't as dirty as it ought to be.)

Oh, I don't know about that; I've read some of your stuff, and I think your mind is pretty dirty.

Bonus points for mythology buffs: did you catch the Tantalus reference?

 

[CyranoJ]

Bonus points for mythology buffs: did you catch the Tantalus reference?

Not quite, but I was sooo close...

 

[Lien_Geller]

Dream Girl

Okie doke, after a brief hiatus, here’s Katiecat’s Dream Girl.

Your opening paragraph is just not my idea of a good time. A lot of the writing issues I mentioned in reviewing your other stories come back here immediately in full force. Ellipsis instead of commas, poor sentence structure, and bizarre use of punctuation.

Rodney Johnson hated meetings -- endless, boring meetings, just so the talking heads in expensive suits could all point to the I.T. guy and say, "Look, tech support is here. See, we really DO give a shit about network security...or database management...or software integration...or blah blah blah..."

Here’s what I’d do there.

Rodney Johnson hated the seemingly endless meetings he consistently had to endure in order to make the company talking heads and expensive suits comfortable with basic technology. Tech support: The one-stop-shop to show that overpaid morons really do care about network security, database management, software integration, and other important buzzwords we plucked out of a 10 minute Google search.

I’m mainly trying to illustrate there that you can write with none of your little ticks and still maintain the casual storytelling voice that you’re so fond of. Also, don’t capitalise words for emphasis in the middle of a sentence. It looks very amateurish. I also don’t like that “blah blah blah” you left off with at the end there. Again, I know you try to maintain an informal style of writing but to me this just came off as a writer not putting in enough effort. Mine actually finishes the train of thought with a hint of humour (I hope).

I also notice things like excessive comma use which leads to overly-long sentences in places. There are some spots where it’d be a lot easier to read if you split some of these things up into smaller sentences.

You go into a couple of paragraphs of description about his dream girl and your writing style is so distracting that I have a hard time concentrating on the actual story being told.

he could feel a firmware upgrade beginning in his crotch. – Ok, I’ll admit, I lol’d.

I will say that if it wasn’t for the strange writing style, I would be enjoying the build-up you’ve ignited here between Diana and Rodney. I like the way you describe her, although Jonathan does come off as a bit of a letch it is effective in establishing the woman as being sexy as all hell.

Despite a talent with setting up scenes, you don’t spend a great deal of time on the actual sex. This is somewhat disappointing because I feel that fulfilling erotica needs a good balance between build-up and climax. If you’re going to tease, then fulfil those promises. The final anal sex scene is pretty much summed up in a single paragraph. It almost feels like you’ve lost interest!

Overall, I liked the concept you have here. I’m actually a little bit surprised because I’m doing something a bit similar myself at the moment. Mine’s a vampire rather than a god, but still! It’s spooky. I also feel like it’s a bit too brief for some of the heavy ideas you’re throwing around here. Artemis is effective, but it almost feels like I’m reading a different story altogether when she shows up. I didn’t really see any build-up or suggestion and I think that big reveal would have landed better if there was a more effective set-up.

You could perhaps have started out with him dreaming about being hunted. Running through a forest to get away from an oncoming hunting party. Then, to foreshadow her interest in him his dream could have him entering a cheat code to spawn a bazooka or something. It’s silly, but I think it’d be more effective than your actual opening and it’d lay down hints at what’s to come. It’d also be cool if he’d been up all night playing a game against someone with a new handle he’d never seen before like “Archer302”. Again, just a small thing but it’d set up the climax much better for me without giving the game away.

On the other hand I will commend you for not letting the story get away from you. I tend to have a problem with these kinds of plot bunnies letting my imagination run wild into never-ending stories. So I really like that this one remains focused, I just feel like it could use a bit of fleshing out. I’d also be interested in reading a second chapter, minus the strange writing quirks!

All in all, I’d say that I liked the actual story but if you hadn’t asked me to review it then I wouldn’t have gotten past the first paragraph without clicking away. This kind of thing is pretty much right up my street in terms of what I’m interested in. It’s a nice idea, and I like that you’re obviously interested in that mythological element rather than just tacking it on for added impact. The whole thing could do with a decent re-write and some fleshing out, but it’s an interesting start that got me thinking about what might happen next.

Hope this was helpful!