Limerance

[MiaBabe23]

Could you focus it back to pleasant memories of what you loved about her, rather than beating yourself up about what went wrong?

 

[Lucy_Lastic]

I’m not convinced some of what’s being described above is limerence.
If you’ve connected with someone, truly come to care for them, recognize how special they are, call it what it is - love
But maybe that perspective isn’t welcome, in which case I apologize

Limerance sounds like obsessive love. Is that healthy? It's just objectifying an idealised version of someone you used to know from what people are saying.

 

[MiaBabe23]

Limerance sounds like obsessive love. Is that healthy? It's just objectifying an idealised version of someone you used to know from what people are saying.

Right yeah, so maybe that’s the distinction then, limerence is obsessive and about the idea of how you think they should be, rather than love, focused on who they are and their happiness?
Doesn’t sound healthy, no, especially if that affects how you are to them or others

 

[Justfantasies]

Could you focus it back to pleasant memories of what you loved about her, rather than beating yourself up about what went wrong?

It's obsessive, but less than it used to be

 

[MiaBabe23]

It's obsessive, but less than it used to be

Maybe you’re reaching the point of relaxing a bit and letting it become healthier?

 

[Justfantasies]

Maybe you’re reaching the point of relaxing a bit and letting it become healthier?

Yes I think I am

 

[Lucy_Lastic]

Try imagining her as she is now, a dowdy grandmother, rather than how she was then.

If you'd got together back then you'd probably hate her and be divorced by now.

 

[Justfantasies]

Try imagining her as she is now, a dowdy grandmother, rather than how she was then.

If you'd got together back then you'd probably hate her and be divorced by now.

I know -- I am not sure she is a grandmother but we are both in our 70s. I do try to imagine her now.

Funny, my ex wife says exactly the same thing -- if I had married Helen-my-obsession. I would be divorced from Helen by now.

 

[Lucy_Lastic]

Kind of sad you made your ex-wife feel like second-best all those years.

 

[Justfantasies]

Kind of sad you made your ex-wife feel like second-best all those years.

That thought had occured to me too

 

[Justfantasies]

Bump …

 

[Lucy_Lastic]

No need to bump. It's a sad, somewhat pathetic obsession that's hurt your ex wife and ruined your life.

 

[Justfantasies]

No need to bump. It's a sad, somewhat pathetic obsession that's hurt your ex wife and ruined your life.

Perhaps you are taking this a little too personally

 

[Lucy_Lastic]

It's your problem. Maybe you haven't taken it seriously enough. If you were less obsessive about someone from the past, and hadn't made your ex feel like she was second choice, do you think you'd still be married? Do you thibnk that you caused her emotional harm? Do you give a shit? I don't think so because this thread is all 'oh poor me'.

 

[Justfantasies]

It's your problem. Maybe you haven't taken it seriously enough. If you were less obsessive about someone from the past, and hadn't made your ex feel like she was second choice, do you think you'd still be married? Do you thibnk that you caused her emotional harm? Do you give a shit? I don't think so because this thread is all 'oh poor me'.

Why do you care so much? Why are you writing an entire narrative around me?

 

[YourSecretDesires]

"Limerence is a state of mind which results from romantic feelings for another person, and typically includes intrusive, melancholic thoughts, or tragic concerns for the object of one's affection as well as a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and to have one's feelings reciprocated. ....nThe four stages of limerence are attraction, obsession, elation and frustration, and resolution. These four limerence stages help us understand the experience of intense romantic obsession and infatuation. Limerence and love are not the same." Adapted from Wikipedia

Who here has had a limerance relationship? Mine has lasted 50 years and is only just beginning to wane.

50 years? That is a long time and doesn't sound healthy. Not that I'm judging, maybe you managed it well. Did you make a move?

For me it was all in how I framed it. Instead of despairing I just enjoyed the feeling of being undeniably attracted to someone. She ticked so many of my boxes. But now that I'm out of it I can see it probably would not have worked at all. Maybe for a quick fling but that's it. We're still friends and she knows or knew but we were both mature adults about the whole thing. Still, it drove (and still drives) a lot of my cock stroking fantasies, lol.

Anyway my point is I tried to keep the focus positive, that feelings are normal and as long as I was out dating other women and not obsessing then I was doing fine. Just part of being human.

 

[Lucy_Lastic]

I don't care. I just don't like self-obsessed men who fuck other people around.

Have a good day.

 

[Justfantasies]

50 years? That is a long time and doesn't sound healthy. Not that I'm judging, maybe you managed it well. Did you make a move?

For me it was all in how I framed it. Instead of despairing I just enjoyed the feeling of being undeniably attracted to someone. She ticked so many of my boxes. But now that I'm out of it I can see it probably would not have worked at all. Maybe for a quick fling but that's it. We're still friends and she knows or knew but we were both mature adults about the whole thing. Still, it drove (and still drives) a lot of my cock stroking fantasies, lol.

Anyway my point is I tried to keep the focus positive, that feelings are normal and as long as I was out dating other women and not obsessing then I was doing fine. Just part of being human.

I agree with all your points and I am certainly not despairing, although I do think it could have worked. I have enjoyed the same feeling of intense attraction as you have -- of course the cock stroking fantasies are mostly fantasies and not the real Helen.

 

[YourSecretDesires]

I agree with all your points and I am certainly not despairing, although I do think it could have worked. I have enjoyed the same feeling of intense attraction as you have -- of course the cock stroking fantasies are mostly fantasies and not the real Helen.

It would never live up to the fantasy anyway. IME healthy relationships allow plenty of space for people to operate outside of them. I've been on the receiving end of an obsessed partner and it's a nightmare. Sounds to some like it would be "romantic" but it's not.

 

[Justfantasies]

It would never live up to the fantasy anyway. IME healthy relationships allow plenty of space for people to operate outside of them. I've been on the receiving end of an obsessed partner and it's a nightmare. Sounds to some like it would be "romantic" but it's not.

Nothing lives up to fantasy. The reality is unhealthy but wonderful sometimes

 

[quietlylooking]

Going back to the definition of limerence, there is one word that is very important that I think gets missed sometimes:

"the state of being infatuate or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one's feelings but not primarily for a sexual relationship"

It seems that this state can happen to you and it isn't really something you can control. As some of the posters above have found from their own experiences, you can manage it as much as you can, you can appreciate the occasional profound beauty of it, and you can try to live your life as best as you can, realizing it is what it is and not blame yourself for having these feelings.

 

[Justfantasies]

Going back to the definition of limerence, there is one word that is very important that I think gets missed sometimes:

"the state of being infatuate or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one's feelings but not primarily for a sexual relationship"

It seems that this state can happen to you and it isn't really something you can control. As some of the posters above have found from their own experiences, you can manage it as much as you can, you can appreciate the occasional profound beauty of it, and you can try to live your life as best as you can, realizing it is what it is and not blame yourself for having these feelings.

Yes exactly -- you can't help the feelings and they go away but in their own time frame. Meanwhile, the slightest little sign or reciprocation feeds into the fantasies

 

[YourSecretDesires]

Going back to the definition of limerence, there is one word that is very important that I think gets missed sometimes:

"the state of being infatuate or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one's feelings but not primarily for a sexual relationship"

It seems that this state can happen to you and it isn't really something you can control. As some of the posters above have found from their own experiences, you can manage it as much as you can, you can appreciate the occasional profound beauty of it, and you can try to live your life as best as you can, realizing it is what it is and not blame yourself for having these feelings.

True true. There may be methods to diminish or eliminate it through psycho cybernetics, affirmations, etc. In spite of the feelings being involuntary, our brains can be programmed. But that's a whole other conversation.

 

[Justfantasies]

True true. There may be methods to diminish or eliminate it through psycho cybernetics, affirmations, etc. In spite of the feelings being involuntary, our brains can be programmed. But that's a whole other conversation.

My experience was that I programmed my brain to turn her into the perfect woman for me and the perfectly sexual woman. The real Helen dressed neatly, the fantasy Helen dressed exquisitely. The real Helen told me about an occasional affair, the fantasy Helen was desired by every man . . . and so on

 

[Justfantasies]

Limerance thoughts