Loneliness...how do you cope?

[KarlMartinK]

I'm not in a meaningful relationship either and that probably has something to do with it.

And on top of all that, I'm a menopausal maniac. Damn, I didn't realize what a mess I was until I typed it out.

Menopausal? You're not that old... Your pictures look a lot younger than that.

I don't know what it is with the loneliness, either. I have joint custody of my son. I miss him when he's not here, but I never feel lonely. I'm not in a relationship at the moment, either, and I don't miss it.

 

[sunandshadow]

I cope with loneliness by writing stories. I create a character who is a version of myself, then try to imagine what kinds or people I would really enjoy meeting and spending time with.

 

[warrior queen]

Every day I'm surrounded with good, caring people. I lead a full life by taking care of my family, helping to care for others, staying involved in my community, but at the end of the day I feel like an empty shell. I don't know how to fill the void.

Any suggestions?

I guess I should consider myself lucky that I have people who depend on me. Otherwise, I think I would just disappear.

one of the hardest things in life is learning to like your own company.
at 38, and alone for the first time in a very long time, i am slowly learning to like being by myself and filling my time with 'me'.
it's hard tho, i never realised what a learning curve this would be for me.

i've used the 'pro/con' list thing to figure out what i want to do when i'm by myself (and i have made the effort to broaden my outlook to find things that interest me - basically, i decided to learn something new every few days)

good luck on your journey

 

[DISCOVER28]

tons of vol work

 

[KarlMartinK]

one of the hardest things in life is learning to like your own company.
at 38, and alone for the first time in a very long time, i am slowly learning to like being by myself and filling my time with 'me'.
it's hard tho, i never realised what a learning curve this would be for me.

i've used the 'pro/con' list thing to figure out what i want to do when i'm by myself (and i have made the effort to broaden my outlook to find things that interest me - basically, i decided to learn something new every few days)

good luck on your journey

I was married for a long time. Now that I'm divorced adn have no one bitching about me taking it easy or doing something I like, being alone is a hell of a lot better than any "together" time I had with her. I don't miss it at all!

 

[human_male]

It's been a constant state for as long as I remember. I kept thinking after ten or fifteen years it'd lose it's edge, not so far. I find if I'm busy and keep myself entertained I don't think about it. But if not then it comes crashing in on me. I scoff at people who say things like don't worry, you'll meet someone eventually. I think if that was ever going to happen it would have by now. Sometimes I can't face the knowledge that it will be like this forever, but... fuck everyone has problems.

What makes it worse is I work as a cleaner at a school. I like my job and I'm happy to have it. When the building is empty and I'm alone everything's fine. But often there's young folk running around, rehersing their plays or jamming in the studios or just goofing around and joking with each other in the hallways... and there I am, like a ghost. Moving around amongst them, totally unnoticed. Everyone (for the most part) just ignores me. It's like those movies where someone dies but they don't know it, and they wander around trying to get the attention of people around them, and they eventually go insane. It's not that bad of course but I'm beginning to think it might have a psychological effect on me.

Have you talked to someone about it? If a person has a full life and loved ones around them and they feel depressed or lonely maybe it's more a psychological or medical thing. It can't hurt to talk to your doctor. The only other thing I can think to say is to concentrate on things in your life that you enjoy and give you meaning. It helps when I have something to look forward to.

 

[NaughtyLil1]

I escape into my own world of sexual adventures.

I try to do that too, but I have too much on my mind and never seem to get very far.

Hi NaughtyLil1
Set aside some "Me" time.

Now that my house has cleared out some, I have been able to do that. With summer here, I have been able to spend some time outside and the fresh air has done wonders for my attitude.

one of the hardest things in life is learning to like your own company.
at 38, and alone for the first time in a very long time, i am slowly learning to like being by myself and filling my time with 'me'.
it's hard tho, i never realised what a learning curve this would be for me.

i've used the 'pro/con' list thing to figure out what i want to do when i'm by myself (and i have made the effort to broaden my outlook to find things that interest me - basically, i decided to learn something new every few days)

good luck on your journey

Thank you and I wish you success in yours. My hope is that I can get to that point by next year, where I really am okay with it. My youngest will be heading off to college next year, and if I don't have a grip on it by then, it's really going to be tough.

tons of vol work

I do quite a bit now and to take on anymore at this point would add more stress. That may be something I look towards next year.

Menopausal? You're not that old... Your pictures look a lot younger than that.

I don't know what it is with the loneliness, either. I have joint custody of my son. I miss him when he's not here, but I never feel lonely. I'm not in a relationship at the moment, either, and I don't miss it.

Karl, thanks for the smile. I am in my 40s and in full throes of the hot flashes and mood swings. Fun stuff, I tell ya.

Your son is young, if I remember correctly. Do you think you will feel differently when he is older, gaining his independence and pulling away?

 

[NaughtyLil1]

I cope with loneliness by writing stories. I create a character who is a version of myself, then try to imagine what kinds or people I would really enjoy meeting and spending time with.

That’s a good idea. Unfortunately, I don’t have the extra brain capacity to write. I’m glad it helps you.

It's been a constant state for as long as I remember. I kept thinking after ten or fifteen years it'd lose it's edge, not so far. I find if I'm busy and keep myself entertained I don't think about it. But if not then it comes crashing in on me. I scoff at people who say things like don't worry, you'll meet someone eventually. I think if that was ever going to happen it would have by now. Sometimes I can't face the knowledge that it will be like this forever, but... fuck everyone has problems.

What makes it worse is I work as a cleaner at a school. I like my job and I'm happy to have it. When the building is empty and I'm alone everything's fine. But often there's young folk running around, rehersing their plays or jamming in the studios or just goofing around and joking with each other in the hallways... and there I am, like a ghost. Moving around amongst them, totally unnoticed. Everyone (for the most part) just ignores me. It's like those movies where someone dies but they don't know it, and they wander around trying to get the attention of people around them, and they eventually go insane. It's not that bad of course but I'm beginning to think it might have a psychological effect on me.

Have you talked to someone about it? If a person has a full life and loved ones around them and they feel depressed or lonely maybe it's more a psychological or medical thing. It can't hurt to talk to your doctor. The only other thing I can think to say is to concentrate on things in your life that you enjoy and give you meaning. It helps when I have something to look forward to.

Mine is psychological and is centered on my children. With the second one leaving soon, I am trying to deal with entering the second stage of parenting and it is tough. I will make it; this is just a little bump in the road.

You, on the other hand, have you talked to someone about your feelings? I know this is temporary for me, but you have been feeling this way for too long.

 

[M's girl]

I haven't tried it but I think I should. Thank you for the suggestion.


What do you think, ladies? I think we should designate a date for an All About Me Day. It will be a mandated paid holiday. We will spend our day being pampered and fawned over.

Well... I think at one point mother's day was designed for that but did that work? I think mothers (I am not one, however for the last two years part-time, but that doesn't count since it's a whole different 'story' with different dynamics and problems - think ex-wifes -) have the hardest job in the world, I really do. They should not be rewarded for that one day a year, but every day.

 

[KarlMartinK]

Karl, thanks for the smile. I am in my 40s and in full throes of the hot flashes and mood swings. Fun stuff, I tell ya.

Your son is young, if I remember correctly. Do you think you will feel differently when he is older, gaining his independence and pulling away?

Yes, he's young. I hadn't thought of what I'd do when he doesn't want to hang out with me. I think the more independent he becomes, the more I will also become. I'm not a co-depentent person. I don't need someone to cling to me to make me feel happy. I'm happy knowing he's happy, even if it doesn't involve me and he'd rather be somewhere else doing something else.

 

[pleasteasme]

I've been alone for so long, I think it would be difficult for me to adjust to not being alone.

I go through ups and downs, just like anyone else, I suppose. I do get lonely, even though I hate to admit it. I find if I thrust myself into work and keep myself busy that I don't have time to think about how very alone I am in this world.

This is probably a poor coping mechanism but...it is me.

 

[eudaemonia]

I've been alone for so long, I think it would be difficult for me to adjust to not being alone.

I go through ups and downs, just like anyone else, I suppose. I do get lonely, even though I hate to admit it. I find if I thrust myself into work and keep myself busy that I don't have time to think about how very alone I am in this world.

This is probably a poor coping mechanism but...it is me.

I think it's about the best coping mechanism. What else is there?

I've also been alone for some time now, going on 6 or 7 years now. Much of that time I was mostly glad for it. But I've hit a point recently where I've wanted to not be myself so much. Some days I feel acutely lonely; others not. The cycle is more frequent now than ever and I must say that there are days I want to scream, "Enough already!"

Wish I had some insight to offer. The best I can do is not give up and put my heart into hibernation mode, honestly try to stay open to the possibilities when I meet new people (which is almost every day) and keep my nose to the grindstone with school. It's hard, no question.

 

[ntsu]

I don't know how to cope.

my heart aches for one special woman. I don't know how to make it change.

 

[Quinn71]

Lit helps Me cope

 

[captvaw]

Every day I'm surrounded with good, caring people. I lead a full life by taking care of my family, helping to care for others, staying involved in my community, but at the end of the day I feel like an empty shell. I don't know how to fill the void.

Any suggestions?

I guess I should consider myself lucky that I have people who depend on me. Otherwise, I think I would just disappear.

I have this same issue but compounding it is the fact that I am away from home for military service and really have nobody after work. So I come online and communicate with others or swap numbers and talk the night away. It really does help. Private messages and emails help me keep busy and it is a way to share with someone that doesn't have a biased outlook like those in our inner circle.

 

[lilwetone]

Just surrounding myself with a positive mind and additude...helps me get through the day......I do alot of angel therapy too..which helps.

Yes somedays are hard, but just think positive

 

[LeahLo519]

Every day I'm surrounded with good, caring people. I lead a full life by taking care of my family, helping to care for others, staying involved in my community, but at the end of the day I feel like an empty shell. I don't know how to fill the void.

Any suggestions?

I guess I should consider myself lucky that I have people who depend on me. Otherwise, I think I would just disappear.

Well, it's not a sense of purpose you lack, which is what you seem to be leaning towards here rather than lonliness. Like you said, you have people that need you, and it gets you by...maybe you're feeling a little taken for granted?

 

[NaughtyLil1]

This is probably a poor coping mechanism but...it is me.

It may not be the best way, but I do think it's common. I know I use it frequently.

Lit helps Me cope

To some extent, I'll agree with that.

I have this same issue but compounding it is the fact that I am away from home for military service and really have nobody after work. So I come online and communicate with others or swap numbers and talk the night away. It really does help. Private messages and emails help me keep busy and it is a way to share with someone that doesn't have a biased outlook like those in our inner circle.

I can only imagine how tough that must be. The internet is a great thing. I know I'm grateful. My family is all out of state and I'd have a million dollar phone bill without it.

I do alot of angel therapy too..which helps.

Yes somedays are hard, but just think positive

What is angel therapy?

Well, it's not a sense of purpose you lack, which is what you seem to be leaning towards here rather than lonliness. Like you said, you have people that need you, and it gets you by...maybe you're feeling a little taken for granted?

There are times when I do. I'm naturally a giving person and always put myself out there when people need me, and I don't do with the expectation of receiving anything back. I do admit, there are times when it would be a welcomed event.

 

[captvaw]

That is why I have the cell phone with rollover minutes and unlimited after 7PM. However, nobody ever wants to talk.

 

[lilwetone]

It may not be the best way, but I do think it's common. I know I use it frequently.




To some extent, I'll agree with that.




I can only imagine how tough that must be. The internet is a great thing. I know I'm grateful. My family is all out of state and I'd have a million dollar phone bill without it.





What is angel therapy?




There are times when I do. I'm naturally a giving person and always put myself out there when people need me, and I don't do with the expectation of receiving anything back. I do admit, there are times when it would be a welcomed event.

Angel Therapy is used as a spiritual healing. And can also be used by any religion. Check out Doreen Virtue I have several of her books as well as tarot cards.

Any other questions about the books or cards, check the link or you may pm me if you like......

 

[NaughtyLil1]

That is why I have the cell phone with rollover minutes and unlimited after 7PM. However, nobody ever wants to talk.

I'm sorry.

Angel Therapy is used as a spiritual healing. And can also be used by any religion. Check out Doreen Virtue I have several of her books as well as tarot cards.

Any other questions about the books or cards, check the link or you may pm me if you like......

Thank you for the link. I'll look into it.

 

[jerseyman1963]

Naughty, my situation is both like and unlike yours. Don't know if my experience will help spark anything, but I spent most of my young adult life trying to avoid loneliness. I threw myself into everything. I put myself through a ridiculously intense (30 credit hours a semester) course of study in college. I worked two jobs each summer. When I got out I worked 24/7 for years and took on every possible challenge I could. I did this for a long time.

Then one day after the umpteenth failed relationship that went just like all the others, and the latest bad work experience with a boss I hated that was just like all the others, I said to myself, "It can't be all a coincidence," and I started working on myself, which is a euphemisim for, "I went to see a therapist."

I know it did me good in the long run, but the more I slowed down, the worse and lonelier I felt. I came to realize that the loneliness was always there - I just didn't give myself any time or space whatsoever to recognize or feel it, or even deal with it.

That went on for quite a while too. I felt isolated, like there was nobody who would understand it, or me. One thing I eventually figured out was that it fed on itself, and I had to break the cycle.

I didn't think anyone would understand, but eventually I decided I had to reach out for some understanding for my own good. I picked a few friends, who I really didn't think would get it, but I decided that they were my good friends because I admired them, and I was seling them short, so I ought to give them a try. It worked out OK, and I realized that, to quote the Beatles, the love you make is equal to the love you make, or something like that.

I was lonely so I isolated myself, and created more loneliness, but if I forced myself to reach out, to open up, to take the chance that someone would connect with me, I created more connections.

It was god awful hard, and truth to tell it still is, and I still think of myself as unworthy, even though you would never know it to look at me from the outside. It still is hard to "make" a conection happen, but I can do it.

Even though I am a man, and so don't fully understand menopause, and don't have any kids, so don't know the empty nest syndrome, where I think we have a similarity is in suddenly finding ourselves in uncharted territory... slowing down and suddenly having to sit with some feelings that don't feel good, that feel unfamiliar because we've been avoiding them, and not exactly knowing what to do about it, and if you're used to DOING something about things, it's maddening to sit there thinking you don't know what to do.

Like Cathleen said, some days I can't do what I want, and some days I don't do what I can. Can't do what you want is just a fact of life. Not every day is going to be peaches and cream. But I started trying to deal with the days that were days I could do what I could. Call a friend. Take an initiative. It's hard, but I find that it's exactly the days when I least want to motivate myself and crawl under the covers that are exactly the days I have to suck it up and reach out.

It's working for me. Hope this was thought provoking at least, and possibly helpful.

 

[Flyin_Free]

one of the hardest things in life is learning to like your own company.
at 38, and alone for the first time in a very long time, i am slowly learning to like being by myself and filling my time with 'me'.
it's hard tho, i never realised what a learning curve this would be for me.

What a true post Warrier Queen. I'm 36 and in the same boat. I was married for sooo long that I'm really finding it hard to remember just what it is that I even like doing. It's like trying to find me all over again. I am enjoying my alone time though--one day I'll meet somebody else but for now I'm just happy trying to figure out who I am again.

 

[Flyin_Free]

Every day I'm surrounded with good, caring people. I lead a full life by taking care of my family, helping to care for others, staying involved in my community, but at the end of the day I feel like an empty shell. I don't know how to fill the void.

Any suggestions?

I guess I should consider myself lucky that I have people who depend on me. Otherwise, I think I would just disappear.

Hi Naughty. I agree with what others have said. Maybe you're just losing yourself in your day to day life. You're somebody's wife, somebody's mom, you're probably a million things everyday but maybe you just need to find You again. Maybe you've gotten lost while you were trying to be what everyone else wanted you to be.....

JerseyMan's post is really good. Very thought provoking....and helpful (for me anyway) I didn't throw myself into work, but I threw myself into a relationship (that even 18 years ago I *knew* wasn't right) and I hung on for dear life and tried to make it work because the thought of being alone was scarier than being in a crappy relationship. Now that it is over, and there's just me, it's scary to have to find me again. Scary and exciting at the same time actually.

 

[plague]

ughh... i so understand some of these posts!
i see me posting here one day