Loneliness...how do you cope?

[jerseyman1963]

JerseyMan's post is really good. Very thought provoking....and helpful (for me anyway) I didn't throw myself into work, but I threw myself into a relationship (that even 18 years ago I *knew* wasn't right) and I hung on for dear life and tried to make it work because the thought of being alone was scarier than being in a crappy relationship. Now that it is over, and there's just me, it's scary to have to find me again. Scary and exciting at the same time actually.

Thanks, Flying. Right back at ya. For a very brief time in high school, in between shaking off my adolescent nerdiness but not yet getting caught up in the bullshit of being an adult, I was myself, without a care as to what anyone else thought. It was a great time, and I feel like the rest of my life has been a struggle to get back to that person. It IS scary when it's "just me," but exciting, even liberating, at the same time.

And Plague... I read through this thread a few times before I posted myself, and had the same reaction: I feel like I'll be posting here some day. This is a rich, deep thread. Everyone who's posted has plumbed the depths of their souls and come up with great stuff. (And it's probably no small coincidence that, relatively speaking, this thread is still so small. It hit me square on, but it's an intimidating thread to think about.)

 

[R_Hughes1905]

Goodness, I'm awfully thankful that I saw this thread, as I can relate to almost every single post here. I'm not really sure how I cope with it, I just know I'm always dreadfully lonely.. I'm one of those people who can feel alone in a crowded room.. Its funny, but I asked a friend siting here with me last night about her loneliness, I wanted to see if she felt the same way as I did.. She only got upset and snippy with me.. I'm thankful now that I found this thread and people who I can relate to.

The first post by Lil did it for me, I feel EXACTLY how she does. I think I would've disappeared somehow in the last two years if it hadn't been for the fact that people were depending on me, but now? They don't depend on me so much, and its really made things even worse..

This is a subject I really need to consider before posting anything else on, I have company around here today ((which is part of the problem too I think)) but I think I'll try to post something more indepth later... If someone could help me understand things a little better, I'd be forever greatful.

Thanks.

 

[privyjo]

deleted

 

[NaughtyLil1]

Jersey, Flyin, R_Hughes and Privy, thank you for your wondeful posts.

There's always too much to think about. Just when I think I'm heading in the right direction, figuring out a plan, something else pops up. I need to quit stressing about it and let things fall into place.

Plague, we will be here when you're ready.

 

[jerseyman1963]

There's always too much to think about. Just when I think I'm heading in the right direction, figuring out a plan, something else pops up. I need to quit stressing about it and let things fall into place.

You know, that's really not a bad plan at all. On those days when there's like a dozen urgent things to do at work (which is my version of your situation), and another dozen things I've been putting off at home, and it's all too overwhelming, and I can't for the life of me figure out which comes first, because they're all important, I just pick one thing and get on with it. I figure, better to be doing something about something than sitting around worrying about which comes first. At least that way I'll be making some progress, and I'll get to them all eventually, it'll all work itself out somehow in the natural order of things, and I won't have wasted too much emotional energy sweating anything. But don't forget to make time to call a friend and go out for a beer or a meal or coffee or something. Make at least little fun time for yourself!

 

[viosh]

answer to the thread question is ......

I don't

I don't cope very well at all

:-(

 

[viosh]

answer to the thread question is ......

I don't

I don't cope very well at all

:-(

sometmes I just give mysef a treat

most times - I sit in my own space

 

[ntsu]

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[NaughtyLil1]

it's a shame to be lonely when you don't have to be.

You just don't get it, do you?

 

[eudaemonia]

I just pick one thing and get on with it. I figure, better to be doing something about something than sitting around worrying about which comes first. At least that way I'll be making some progress, and I'll get to them all eventually[...]

Yes! And I find very often -- almost daily -- that something (or two) on my To Do list just falls off because it's no longer urgent or for some reason resolves on before I get to it, i.e. a follow-up call gets crossed off due to a confirmation by e- or snail mail.

But don't forget to make time to call a friend and go out for a beer or a meal or coffee or something. Make at least little fun time for yourself!

Amen! Nothing like connecting with a friend to set oneself right and feel a little less alone in the world ... for a little while anyway.

Also, I try to find something to laugh about every day. Hard laughing, I mean. About four years ago I finally made the connection that I had better days when I had had a good, healthy chortle or two. As forced as it may sound, I now try to watch an episode of The Simpsons, South Park, Fraiser or Drew Carey every night after dinner or jsut before going to bed because I'm guaranteed a good-kind-of bellyache afterward. It really does get the endorphins going!

 

[redneckgirl]

Well................................. my husband is a truck driver, he drives all 48 states, so lonliness to me is just a part of daily life. I don't really cope with it very well, we argue constantly. I blame him for me having to take care of two, somtimes 4 kids by myself. But that's all part of life to me. I just take what I've got and make the best of it.

 

[NaughtyLil1]

Well................................. my husband is a truck driver, he drives all 48 states, so lonliness to me is just a part of daily life. I don't really cope with it very well, we argue constantly. I blame him for me having to take care of two, somtimes 4 kids by myself. But that's all part of life to me. I just take what I've got and make the best of it.

That has to be tough. Just remember, keep your chin up. If it will make you feel better, come on in and vent.


Btw, welcome to Lit.

 

[JustSkye]

For Naughty ~

 

[pte_arg]

i've been alone now for four years, i've always have had friends and people that cared about me around, but i never felt anything for any of them.
I was alone by choice,never quite sure why, but at the time it felt good, it was apathy and i was content.

however recently i fell in love with a woman i can't have(for various reasons) and now I realize how empty my life really is. It's more of a reawakening of emotions i long thought gone.

Now the only way i can feel happy is by keeping myself busy so i don't think. I've voluntered for extra hours at work, I stay out to all hours of the night socialiazing with people, but the minute i come home all the thoughts come back.

I'm turning into a very bitter and depresed person and frankely i'm not dealing with it well.

but i am glad there's a post where i can at least vent what i'm thinking

 

[NaughtyLil1]

For Naughty ~

It's funny. Somedays I take the time to reflect on the twists and turns I have taken. It makes me feel wise; I have traveled far. At the same time, though, I realize just how little I know. I still have many streets to walk, wrong turns and one way streets to navigate. Here I go again, tripping through life.

 

[redneckgirl]

That has to be tough. Just remember, keep your chin up. If it will make you feel better, come on in and vent.


Btw, welcome to Lit.

Thanks, Naughty. Luckly, I only have the other 2 kids one month during the summer because they are his. It is tough, and you would think after 4 years, I would be used to it, but I guess we never get used to it.

Thanks again, for the support and the welcome.

 

[NaughtyLil1]

i've been alone now for four years, i've always have had friends and people that cared about me around, but i never felt anything for any of them.
I was alone by choice,never quite sure why, but at the time it felt good, it was apathy and i was content.

however recently i fell in love with a woman i can't have(for various reasons) and now I realize how empty my life really is. It's more of a reawakening of emotions i long thought gone.

Now the only way i can feel happy is by keeping myself busy so i don't think. I've voluntered for extra hours at work, I stay out to all hours of the night socialiazing with people, but the minute i come home all the thoughts come back.

I'm turning into a very bitter and depresed person and frankely i'm not dealing with it well.

but i am glad there's a post where i can at least vent what i'm thinking

I think it's safe to say that most of us have shared the ups and downs of love and relationships. It's not easy, but you'll work through it. I know it's easier said than done, but don't become overwhelmed; take it one day at at time, each one will become a little easier.

Bitterness, though. Once it takes hold, it's hard to break free. There was a time when I was consumed by it and it sucked the life out of me. It's taken me some time, but I'm learning to let go. I would hate to see you go there.

 

[jerseyman1963]

I think it's safe to say that most of us have shared the ups and downs of love and relationships. It's not easy, but you'll work through it. I know it's easier said than done, but don't become overwhelmed; take it one day at at time, each one will become a little easier.

Bitterness, though. Once it takes hold, it's hard to break free. There was a time when I was consumed by it and it sucked the life out of me. It's taken me some time, but I'm learning to let go. I would hate to see you go there.

I keep checking back with this thread because so much of what everyone has posted is very thought provoking. Thanks everyone!

Once bitterness takes hold, it is so awfully hard to break free because it usually sets in as the result of a disappointment or hurt, so of course it's hard to break free.

I used to watch other people and think, "How do they handle XY and Z so well? How can they just glide through it? Why isn't it such a big issue for them?" And then one day I realized that XY and Z just weren't issues for them at all, because we all have different life experiences, and some people are just plain lucky enough to have had the perfect parents and family upbringing, never get burned, etc. And I concluded that you just have to play the hand you're dealt and make the best of it.

I have a friend and colleague who is a classic optimist. Everything is a great adventure to him, and somehow everything just seems to work out for him. He is not shy about expressing his feelings, and although it's a little creepy at first when he tells you how much he likes you (it's almost school boyish) I've noticed that everyone likes him in return. (Funny the way that works, isn't it?) I imagine he leaves his house every morning with a spring in his step, whistling a tune and thinking, "What crazy adventure awaits me today? What nice people will I meet? What insane scheme will I blunder into that makes me an obscene amout of money?"

I am the complete polar opposite, but I am trying to become more like that, because it seems like a much better way to be.

Now here's what made me think of this in relation to bitterness: it's a fight. I could roll over and give in and be a cranky old man for the rest of my life, or I can make an effort to change it up. It doesn't feel natural some days, and sometimes I am just flat out pretending, but I have noticed that even when I am pretending, and don't really feel nice inside, being friendly and kind draws in more and better friends, lovers and colleagues, and over time, it has a snowball effect.

It didn't happen over night. It took months or years, but accentuating the positive and gradually learning to eliminate the negative got me to having something happen that felt good, and that carried me to the next time, and so on, and it keeps happening more and more often. My bitter brothers and sisters, I feel your pain, but I'm living proof that you can make it better.

 

[b-slave]

Commit genocide.

 

[eudaemonia]

I have a friend and colleague who is a classic optimist. Everything is a great adventure to him, and somehow everything just seems to work out for him. He is not shy about expressing his feelings, and although it's a little creepy at first when he tells you how much he likes you (it's almost school boyish) I've noticed that everyone likes him in return. (Funny the way that works, isn't it?) I imagine he leaves his house every morning with a spring in his step, whistling a tune and thinking, "What crazy adventure awaits me today? What nice people will I meet? What insane scheme will I blunder into that makes me an obscene amout of money?"

I can somewhat relate to your wonderment about this friend.

Certainly, I would classify myself as a optimist of the "Learned" sort. By nature I'm always hoping for the best, but for a very long time didn't think I deserved it or that I was working hard enough or being good enough or whatever enough to earn it -- "it" being "the best".

I took time to realize that wonderful things happen for no particular reason and also when you spend the necessary effort to make it happen. The difference between the two is my expectation of the outcomes. If I put a reasonable amount of energy into a desired outcome (that is, doing something realistically within my capabilities), I generally get a good payoff. My expectation is proportional to my effort and that makes me want to keep trying for desired outcomes more often.

As far as the thinking of wonderful things and exciting adventures lurking just 'round the corner, while I certainly don't walk around expecting them to "just happen" I do know that tyring to keep an eye out for the next wonderful adventure tends to be rewarded. I used to call this mindset "planning to be consistently lucky", and I've used this as my sig from time to time. It really captures the essence of my belief that much of what is ascribed to as mere luck is a willingness to be open to the prospect of good things happening. Some people refer to it as "keeping an open heart" or "maintaining a positive attitude" or similar notions.

For me, I'd say I more actively seek out "fun around the next corner" now by planning a little extra time in my day for dallying and not rushing from point to point to point, all day, every day. I find that non-stop "go-ness" just soul-crushing. "Stop and smell the roses" is maybe the apt shorthand??

I do think optimism is a behavior like any other, and can be learned -- or even unlearned!

Learned helplessness is a very interesting phenomenom described by pioneering psychologist, Martin Seligman. In his attempt to explain depression he discovered that when a person views his problems as pervasive and permanent that pessimism becomes an ingrained and repetative response, eventually leading to apathy, passiveness and submission.

How this applies to loneliness, I think, is that even when we feel overcome with aching for another -- for connection on some level -- that that is proof that we are alive and feeling and very human. Still so very much alive and capable of expressing empathy and love for others, as opposed to merely hanging on to a physical body for no particular purpose.

Hope is perhaps a survival mechanism for the human species. Maintain it or else there's no point in living??

 

[jerseyman1963]

I can somewhat relate to your wonderment about this friend.

Certainly, I would classify myself as a optimist of the "Learned" sort. By nature I'm always hoping for the best, but for a very long time didn't think I deserved it or that I was working hard enough or being good enough or whatever enough to earn it -- "it" being "the best".

I took time to realize that wonderful things happen for no particular reason and also when you spend the necessary effort to make it happen. The difference between the two is my expectation of the outcomes. If I put a reasonable amount of energy into a desired outcome (that is, doing something realistically within my capabilities), I generally get a good payoff. My expectation is proportional to my effort and that makes me want to keep trying for desired outcomes more often.

As far as the thinking of wonderful things and exciting adventures lurking just 'round the corner, while I certainly don't walk around expecting them to "just happen" I do know that tyring to keep an eye out for the next wonderful adventure tends to be rewarded. I used to call this mindset "planning to be consistently lucky", and I've used this as my sig from time to time. It really captures the essence of my belief that much of what is ascribed to as mere luck is a willingness to be open to the prospect of good things happening. Some people refer to it as "keeping an open heart" or "maintaining a positive attitude" or similar notions.

For me, I'd say I more actively seek out "fun around the next corner" now by planning a little extra time in my day for dallying and not rushing from point to point to point, all day, every day. I find that non-stop "go-ness" just soul-crushing. "Stop and smell the roses" is maybe the apt shorthand??

I do think optimism is a behavior like any other, and can be learned -- or even unlearned!

Learned helplessness is a very interesting phenomenom described by pioneering psychologist, Martin Seligman. In his attempt to explain depression he discovered that when a person views his problems as pervasive and permanent that pessimism becomes an ingrained and repetative response, eventually leading to apathy, passiveness and submission.

How this applies to loneliness, I think, is that even when we feel overcome with aching for another -- for connection on some level -- that that is proof that we are alive and feeling and very human. Still so very much alive and capable of expressing empathy and love for others, as opposed to merely hanging on to a physical body for no particular purpose.

Hope is perhaps a survival mechanism for the human species. Maintain it or else there's no point in living??

E, you always post such wonderful, insightful thoughts with just a touch of the magical who-can-really-explain-this? to them!

Plan to be lucky, and just remember that when you're feeling down and out, the fact that you're feeling it is a good sign that you're not dead to the world yet, you're just temporarily unlucky, and it'll change. I love it.

 

[Matt12191982]

My problem is finding people online who like the stuff I do (music, movies, comedy), but as I get older, I love not leaving the house, and love not having anyone over.

Forums are great, though!

 

[carrollguy]

Every day I'm surrounded with good, caring people. I lead a full life by taking care of my family, helping to care for others, staying involved in my community, but at the end of the day I feel like an empty shell. I don't know how to fill the void.

Any suggestions?

I guess I should consider myself lucky that I have people who depend on me. Otherwise, I think I would just disappear.

Try treating yourself like you're someone you care about. What advice would you give someone you care about, if they came to you with the same questions?

 

[LadyJS]

Try treating yourself like you're someone you care about. What advice would you give someone you care about, if they came to you with the same questions?

You may not get an answer to your question as NaughtyLil1 hasn't posted anything in almost nine years. Hopefully she's solved her issues with loneliness. We can only wish her the best.

My problem is finding people online who like the stuff I do (music, movies, comedy), but as I get older, I love not leaving the house, and love not having anyone over.

Forums are great, though!

I get into anti-social moods myself where I don't want to see or talk with anyone, maybe that's a sign of aging, I don't know. But I also at times long for company and dialogue. Again, depends on the mood.

 

[Vitriolhack]

Chat Room

I plan to have a room in the chat section of the site called

"Lonely Hearts" for Valentine's day.

Safe zone for chats and lots and lots of Virtual hugs.

Open to all.

You don't need to feel alone.