Long Distance Relationships: BDSM style

[Esclava]

First things first: x 12

Even in an obvious state of distress your reply was poignant and eloquently stated. You're making perfect sense. Coherence is a relative state, is it not?

Yes, it most certainly is...

I can empathize with your pain to some extent. I too have felt the knife twisting in me at not being able to reach out and touch my on-line sub...give her the comfort and guidance she seeks so desperately, physically see her give over to me, claim her once and for all. Ironic how it is said that time heals all wounds. We are a direct contradiction to this statement, no?

Again, yes we are in direct contradiction to that particular saying. I know the only way to alleviate this pain is to 'DO SOMETHING' - either find a rl Dom/me or make myself believe that I don't love Master so much - so it doesn't hurt so much. I don't believe either of these is feasible. But never say never...

I do not have the amount of time invested in this relationship that you do, but the natural want for more is quite strong and when denied, it is also quite daunting. I do speak to her everyday by computer as well as on the phone. I'm feeling happy now, as I sent her new pictures just this morning in reward for her sending me a few the day before.

Pictures are VERY important. If I had the opportunity to see Master, I know I would not feel so isolated.

Would it be too forward to ask you a few of your rituals or biddings of your Master? Please do not feel obligated if it is painful or private.

Most of Master's rituals and biddings surround submitting to self administered acts of intercourse, reward or discipline. Sometimes he will specify how he wants it accomplished - other times he will leave it up to my imagination (and a vivid one it is!). He has favorite positions - including binding of my ankles and hands - and I must find a way to get into these positions. If I do not, I feel guilty that I would have displeased him if he were there.

What drives me because he is NOT here? I love him and it hurts me to hear the disappointment in his voice when I've told him that I was unable to accomplish a required task. I will PM you with more things he has tried which may help keep you close to your LD sub.

Thanks for sharing your experiences and what keeps you going, even if it was hard. It is good for me to know these things so that I may attempt to avoid any mistakes that could damage her, for she is precious to me.

~ R W

She is fortunate, indeed. As I said, I don't believe I will ever find one to replace Master and I can't see myself alone the rest of my life; but I will not change who I am nor accept one I don't want just so I won't be alone.

Esclava

 

[SweetDommes]

This thread just caught my eye (and damn, it hurt ) because we just started an LDR with a new boy ...

Seriously, some of you know from previous conversations that Holly and I used to have an LDR for a year before we were able to move in together, and with ghosst being a truck driver, there are times when - even though he lives here - it's an LDR. And now, we've added a new boy to our family. He is currently living near Seattle, and of course, we are in north central Indiana. He just spent almost three weeks here with us, but is now back on the west coast, and we miss him terribly (and I'm pretty sure that he misses us just as much) ... even one of our cats misses him and has been running around the house looking and crying for him. Long distance sucks, and we knew that before we added the new boy, but we love him, and we are hoping that it's worth it. I just hope that he moves in before I get too entirely paranoid ...

Miss Karen
Miss Holly

 

[esclave_PP]

Master and I have been on and off long distance over the last seven years. At some points of our M/s relationship we've actually managed to live in the same place, first Northern California and then almost in Las Vegas. So when we aren't living in the same place we do what we can, meaning visits in person when we can afford it, lots of phone time, im'ing of course and the proverbial web cam. While it isn't the same as sessioning in person, because of the depth of our relationship, we're able to stay close and in touch. The wonders of technology never cease. I still miss His touch tremendously, but He still touches me in here (pointing to head) and here (pointing to my heart).

The distance makes it hard, but He tells me that what is important is that we still have each other, even if we're not seeing each other physically. But when we do, oooo watch out. Sparks fly.

Great thread!

 

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

Although we have been living together for about 6 months now, JM and I managed to successfully pull off a year-long long distance D/s relationship that had us 650 miles apart--me in NE Florida and he north-central North Carolina.

How did we pull it off? There were several things that worked together. The most important were our visits. When we first met, I had the opportunity to make several trips to North Carolina. I spent a week out of each month, sometimes two, for the first 4 or 5 months we were dating, in North Carolina--just getting to know him. Grant you, most people don't have that option, but for us, it was something that really set the stage for our relationship. Once things really got rolling we made a trip back and forth every other month or so.

The second most important thing was communication. We talked on the phone each and every night. Without fail. For an hour or more. For a year. LOL. We also IM'd back and forth, but the phone was our lifeline. Once again, we were very fortunate--JM had access to a WATS line at work, and I had a 3 cents a minute plan at home. Kept our phone bills wayyyyy down!

He planned his move, and it finally happened on Valentine's Day this year. We just celebrated 6 months of him living here. Life is GOOD!

~anelize

 

[Rugor]

I am dealing with a very new LDR with a brand new sub. Both new to me and to being a sub.

I've been involved in LDRs before with various degrees of success. One of which ended after spending several years living together after a several thousand mile relocation. It can be done, but it's not easy.

I do use ritual and symbolism very heavily, since I have to train her mind so her body will respond for me. Bedtime rituals work well as they catch the person when she is at her most accepting. If someone feels they need more details feel free to PM me.

This latest LDR has been entirely online -- one doesn't rush things too far or too fast -- and has involved a lot of emails and IM conversations. The trust has to be built before some things progress.

One training device that I find works very well is if the sub is given lines, just like back in school. I get her to write lines and then scan the pages and email them to me.

As to trust, this kind of relationship is all about trust. I have to trust her to do as I have told her and she has said she's done. But some of the emails she's sent are enough to prove to me she's done what I said.

It really depends on the people involved.

Good luck.

 

[fallon2]

Until

a person is in a LDR nobody realizes how much work, frustration and money is put into a relationship that can often fail unless
both are serious about working together to achieve their goal of someday being together or even meeting.

My hat is off to everybody who works their ass off trying to make one work.

 

[SweetDommes]

We managed to make one work when it was just the two of us ... and now we are trying to make one work now that it's 4 of us - throw the fact that it's a poly relationship in the mix too ... it's just a headache - but so far, it's definately been worth it. I just hope that it continues to be.

Miss Karen

 

[kayte]

Work but worth it

Oh yes, LDRs are such a challenge and do require so much work.

I was in a LDR for quite some time. That one ended and I swore up and down that when I was finally ready for something, I would never again be in a D/s or LDR again. Sighs....

So, I am now again in a D/s LDR! We see each other when time and finances permit.

It is a true delight. The home phone, with unlimited long distance minutes is marvelous. It permits us to contact each other on a daily basis, most days more than once.

The internet, IMs and emails do help to maintain the rest of the contact that is also so important.

The relationship is based on trust, respect, humor and communication.

My task, after our next visit is to get a webcam that will work with my laptop.

Just thinking of, knowing he is watching me doing what is saying.

Hearing his voice on the speaker phone as he then permits me to cum...

 

[fyrehardt]

Well, me and Sir live about a 4 hour drive apart, so it isn't REALLY that long of a distance, but it is far enough away that it is often difficult with jobs and money to see each other. We aim for a RL life meeting about once a month, and talk to each other online/on the phone nearly every day. When He comes down to see me or i go see Him, it is never long enough and i go thru serious withdrawl for days after we part. Sir and i are always talking about trying to find some way for us to move closer, but at the moment it is not feasible for either of us

Basically, i have my collar that i wear at home and while i am out whevever it is feasible (we haven't been able to get me one that is subtle enough for me to wear 24/7 yet, so at work or in "official" situations i take it off and leave it in my purse) and i have certain things i am to do every day for Him that i either IM to tell him i did or He asks when we see each other on line. We try to keep track of each other's work schedules so that i know when i should be online, even if it means i have to get up way early to see him when he gets home from work (he works 3rd shift)

When we are together, in some ways he is less controlling than he is online, mostly just because we are so enjoying just being together that we spend more time just.....well, just being together than we do worrying about me submitting to him. But it really doesn't matter, since it is second nature to do whatever He asks of me to do anyway...

 

[SweetDommes]

Bumping this one again, since we're now in another long distance D/s relationship ... it sucks, but it's only temporary (thankfully).

Since we don't do online and aren't really comfortable with it, we are having some trouble with knowing how to control on a daily basis - I don't suppose anyone would be willing to give us some simple suggestions?

 

[RJMasters]

Bumping this one again, since we're now in another long distance D/s relationship ... it sucks, but it's only temporary (thankfully).

Since we don't do online and aren't really comfortable with it, we are having some trouble with knowing how to control on a daily basis - I don't suppose anyone would be willing to give us some simple suggestions?

Daily online blog is probably a great way for you to extend control. Have said person log into blog 2 or 3 times a day. You can get them password protected if you need that. Also allows you to post instructions which they are required to check everyday.

I like using chatrooms myself for back and forth interaction. Excite has a good chat program that allows you to wear AVs in the room and browse to URLs while chating. What is nice about it, is you can make theme webpages, like dungeons, special rooms, then control the avs they wear during the session. Great for online humilation too if you do it right.

Webcam is great.

Also, lowwers voice, there are some new toys that are USB controllable. I will have to get you the name and where you can get them, but basically from your computer, you control the toy that is plugged into their computer. With a webcam and these toys...well you can imagine.

Most of the toys are vibration activated, there might even be some low shock ones. You basically push a button and turn on the toy's vibration or deliver a shock.

Here is that link

http://www.peekay.com/sinulate/sinulate_info.html

I don't have personal experience with this, just have the knowledge it is available.

 

[TigerClaw]

Long Distance Relationship

Be extremely cautious. Ive been in 2 and they both followed a similar path. Similar events but the meanings to those events were different. One was harmless, the other had dire consequences. Both exihibited warning signs. Just the distance and relying on voice or text communication alone could color things and events. The difference was me. I was over confident in the second because I "knew" not to be concerned over little things.

In the first I took my time in finding out whether those things meant anything. In the second I knew they didnt mean anything but they did.

Safety and Caution is the prmary tool here. Following those rules then you can get to know each other and Play.

 

[wanton wonton]

I struggle in my Ds LDR too. One of my big things is spanking and caressing. How can I do that long distance? My sub has often offered to spank himself for me so I can hear the blows as we talk over the phone but the effect just isn't the same.

We cope with the distance by frequent communication--email, IM and phone. It's never enough. IMHO, nothing can substitute for really seeing (not even webcam) his humiliation, subservience, for hearing his voice as he pleads for permission and the TACTILE experience of feeling his bum get red and hot under my hand.

Sigh...

I appreciate the suggestions in previous posts. I am going to try a blog and also establishing rituals between us. Can anyone suggest a good (free) blog?

 

[DarkLadyOfDeath]

I just ended my second LD relationship... October would have been a year for us. He was in Chicago.. I'm in WI.. about 2 hours away. So not horridly LD.. I just found over time I was the one makeing the trips every week.. And well simply.. I still live at home for a reason right now. The money wasn't an Issue until I simply could not afford to put gas in my car to make it to work between checks! He understood.. he came out here a few times.. and bitched every single time about work.. and such.. That was when I knew it wouldn't work.. and then he finds out he "had" to relocate to TX.. This wasn't a D/s relationship.. won't get started on that aspect.. But it just didn't work.. Period.

My first one was when I was in Chicago liveing and he was in NY.. It lasted 3 yrs. with plans of either me moveing out there or him out here. He was finishing college and I was trying to get into one. We truely love eachother and we're still best of friends. Stress killed that one.

Would I do another LD relationship?.. Yes. Am I an Idiot?.. Meeebe....

I've not tried a D/s relationship LD but I think a LD relationship is not much different then a "normal" relationship.. It's a matter of learning how to make a relationship work. no matter the type. You just have to be in tune with eachother.

 

[RJMasters]

I appreciate the suggestions in previous posts. I am going to try a blog and also establishing rituals between us. Can anyone suggest a good (free) blog?

Here is one site that pretty straight forward.

http://www.blogger.com/start


Now here is what I really recommend. Imagine having your personal forum board with you boy. Its completely free and if you have any computer experience, you can set it up pretty easy.

You can password thread areas for special intamate things and have other threads for daily rituals and stuff.

http://www.proboards.com/index.html

I wish you well on your LDR.

Here is a nice webpage I made for someone special to me and she is my LDR.

http://www.geocities.com/kmracerx/index.htm

Even though I may not be able to feel her skin I enjoy knowing I touch her heart.



Be well

 

[SweetDommes]

Here is one site that pretty straight forward.

http://www.blogger.com/start


Now here is what I really recommend. Imagine having your personal forum board with you boy. Its completely free and if you have any computer experience, you can set it up pretty easy.

You can password thread areas for special intamate things and have other threads for daily rituals and stuff.

http://www.proboards.com/index.html

I wish you well on your LDR.

Here is a nice webpage I made for someone special to me and she is my LDR.

http://www.geocities.com/kmracerx/index.htm

Even though I may not be able to feel her skin I enjoy knowing I touch her heart.

Be well

Aw, that is soo cute ... and thanks for the sites *big grin* We'll work on getting the one that's passworded set up. Maybe we could just add that to the forum that Holly already has.

and now I must dash because the puppy is trying to eat her choke collar (it's not on her, she's just playing with it ... ack!).

 

[wanton wonton]

RJMasters, thank you for the links. I look forward to exploring their potential in strengthening the relationship with him.

 

[crimsonlace]

...You just have to be in tune with eachother.

And communicate!!!

Ask questions, discuss....a partner who is serious will welcome the questions as a sign of your commitment. Touch base occasionally...no, not occasionally....often to establish where you each are in the relationship.

A long distance relationship takes a lot of trust and hard work....but then, I don't know of a relationship that doesn't.

 

[TigerClaw]

And communicate!!!

Ask questions, discuss....a partner who is serious will welcome the questions as a sign of your commitment. Touch base occasionally...no, not occasionally....often to establish where you each are in the relationship.

A long distance relationship takes a lot of trust and hard work....but then, I don't know of a relationship that doesn't.

Too many people forget this after time. They get to person by being open and then close up when things get serious.

I firmly believe in communication. If it starts to get spotty then find out why. Usually there is a problem.

 

[SweetDommes]

Now here is what I really recommend. Imagine having your personal forum board with you boy. Its completely free and if you have any computer experience, you can set it up pretty easy.

You can password thread areas for special intamate things and have other threads for daily rituals and stuff.

http://www.proboards.com/index.html

I was signing up for this one, and I don't think that it will work for us - the ToS state no pornography, sex, ect ... and while I doubt they are really checking, if they do, we'd be off the site.

Any others?

 

[RJMasters]

I was signing up for this one, and I don't think that it will work for us - the ToS state no pornography, sex, ect ... and while I doubt they are really checking, if they do, we'd be off the site.

Any others?

My bad SD sorry, I'll look into it and get you another link ok.

You might try this one

http://www.runboard.com/

I don't have any experience with it but I did read the TOS and there is not any mention of restricted material.

 

[SweetDommes]

My bad SD sorry, I'll look into it and get you another link ok.

No problem ... I did sign up for it anyway - but I'd prefer to have one that is a little ... safer. I tried to do a search, but only came up with the ones that you suggested - ug

 

[catalina_francisco]

Thought this might be an interesting bump for some who mightn't have seen it.....

Catalina

 

[Jay Davis]

I have two serious experiences with LDRs, one vanilla, one D/s, both ending badly.

The first was the vanilla relationship. We worked at the same company, but in different groups. We were good friends, and there was serious-but-never-acknowledged chemistry between us, but neither of us was going to get involved at work. We'd seen that turn out badly for at least two other couples in the office. When I took a job with another company, in California, as I was leaving, I asked her out--fully expecting her to say no, but not wanting to be wondering the rest of my life what might have been. As it turned out, she said yes, and a year-and-a-half's worth of mutual longing was suddenly unleashed. We were finally free to say the things we really felt, and we fell for one another pretty deeply...

I was flying back to Texas to be with her every third weekend, on average--I had enough flexibility to arrange 3 and 4 day weekends that often. We spoke on the phone daily, usually morning and night. But the relationship was too new to handle the strain. During the period in a new relationship that we should have been seeing each other maybe two or three nights a week, we were instead NOT seeing each other for almost a month, then being together constantly for 72 hours straight. It was just too erratic, inconsistent, and intense to survive. It killed us when we broke it off--the break-up was a 6-hour conversation (lots of holding, no sex) that was open, honest, sad, and in a way, very beautiful. Of all my vanilla relationships, that is the only one that I really mourn these days.

The D/s relationship was quite different. It started through alt.com, with me in New York and Her in California. We emailed and IMed a few nights, then swapped cell phone numbers. Within 2-3 weeks, we'd both invested a great deal of time and emotion into the relationship, even making very premature plans for a shared future. About a month after the first contact, She came to New York for a long weekend. Within 30 minutes, I knew we had a serious problem. The powerful, confident Domme I thought I knew from all those phone conversations turned out to be needy, clingy, dependent and desperate--basically, She was a replay of my vanilla ex-wife, just in a leather bustier.

I put on my game face and gave it the best chance I could, hosting her, showing her the city, trying to invent chemistry where it didn't exist. I kept the play pretty limited--I doubted already that the relationship was going to survive past the weekend, and felt it would be unethical to lead her on for the nothing more than cheap sex. For me, the weekend was long and borderline excrutiating. For whatever reason, I waited until Monday to officially break things off, once she was back in California; I'm not proud of that, but I just didn't have the heart to reject her in a strange city with a 6-hour plane ride between her and any comfort or support.

Based on these two experiences, I can tell you with confidence that I won't be STARTING any relationships over distance. Things like VOIP, cell phones, web cams, and IMs can help an established relationship survive a separation, but they are too feeble and misleading to be the basis for a new relationship.

I will and do use the internet to meet potential play and romantic partners. But at this point, I'll only entertain the possibility of a serious relationship with someone within reasonable driving distance. Furthermore, I won't let a potential relationship develop more than a week or two before meeting face-to-face, in public and without the possibility of any play, to check the RL chemistry. Never again will I invest a month or more in building a relationship with someone I've never met face-to-face, to be sure there's an appropriate level of mutual attraction.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Have to say LDR's are difficult at the best, but I am pleased we took the chance and still as surprised as all who know us, that we planned down to the last detail and legal arrangement, the marriage before meeting. From the moment we met for the first time face to face, to the day we married 2 weeks later, we didn't doubt we had done a crazy thing but it was going to be good....3 years later it is more than good, it is blooming fantastic....and that is an understatement.

Catalina