Love Sonnets!

[JUDO]

What about here, do you see the same thing? (And what exactly do you see? lol)

A Silent Whisper, One Night

I see — rather than --.

Ah, well.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Do you mean an m-dash instead of two dashes simulating an m-dash, or are you still seeing some weird symbol?

 

[JUDO]

Do you mean an m-dash instead of two dashes simulating an m-dash, or are you still seeing some weird symbol?

I don't see an mdash, I see "&mdash."

 

[JUDO]

Re: What am I missing?

Originally posted by MyOpinion:

An Answer To Character

To speak or write, or act in return of
Question posed; be accountable, liable
Even to a foe; to serve and match love
In quest of call from desire, if able.

Is this the answer you do seek to see?
Does he reply correctly to your whim?
Or is there need or service yet of me
A prescription yet to make dog of him?

This character wishes to go his way,
To conform his nature to your own cause
Could bring verbal caustic witty play;
Remember, he bares sharply seasoned claws.

A retort? A debate in response? Leave,
I say! Let him go, his own way to weave!

-------------------------------------------------

Opi!

So, you were trying an English sonnet (iambic pentameter - 3 quatrains and a couplet)? Eh?

Yes, it's awkward and there are several reasons why - all of them different, all of them will have to be addressed seperately (sorry).



Let's go:

-------------------------------------------------
1st Quatrain:

To speak or write, or act in return of (10 syllables)
Question posed; be accountable, liable (11 syllables)
Even to a foe; to serve and match love (10 syllables)
In quest of call from desire, if able.(10 syllables)

1st line:

The first six words meter is fine, but "in return" will not work successively in iambic. Prepositions such as "in" are almost always not strongly metered (plus you have it following a strong meter already). And "reTURN" always has the strong sound on the second syllable. Then you ended on a weak possessive -- "of." Can you really pronounce comfortably the last three words "in REturn OF?"

So, you started nicely, but then tripped up.

To speak or write, or act in (then it doesn't work metrically)

Plus, you wanted to use "of" in the American slang pronunciation "uhv" to rhyme with "love." That will work (since you and I are Americans), but some Austrailian, British, and South African readers might not see the rhyme (or hear it).

Also when "of" is left at the end of a poetic line, I consider it a linking word to the next line -- to be read in such a manner as to not have a pause. The innate weak metric sense of "of" lends to this anyway.

2nd line:

Question posed; be accountable liable

You have used the word "li-a-ble" as you might the word "li-bel," I believe. I don't think I need to tell you, they are not pronounced the same, or have the same meaning. As a result, you have 11 syllables, rather than the needed 10 for iambic pentameter. Plus, the line alone is continued with the awkward
Rhyme from the previous line.

The line begins with a strong accent in meter -- "QUEStion." Which is not iambic. Iambic begins with the weaker accent leading to the strong.

3rd line:

You've started this line also with a strong accent (see note above).

4th line:
Starts well again, but then trips up on meter, like the 1st line. Oh, and able does not rhyme with 'liable.'

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To cut to the chase, once you are clear on avoiding the above mistakes, you can easily correct your work in the first stanza.

How about:

To speak or write or act in bold return,
Forgiving or forwarning wicked foe
In serve and match, kind love will always burn
Desireous quests which only Angel's know.

----------------------------------------------------------

2nd Quatrain:

Is this the answer you do seek to see?
Does he reply correctly to your whim?
Or is there need or service yet of me
A prescription yet to make dog of him?

Awkward again. "You do seek to see?" Someone else christened these kind of phrases "Yoda-speak." And rightly so, they seem to tumble the verbs and predicate nouns around on top of one another in order to satisfy a rhyme. If you ever find yourself doing this to some point of satisfaction, realize there is a better way you haven't explored yet, and yes, it may cause you to rewrite the entire poem, but it will be worth it.

All lines have 10 syllables and the meter is better.

There is much that is good here, and I will try to use it in a rewrite -- hopefully, keeping your intent intact.

How about:

Is this the mighty volley that you seek?
Does he reply with fervor ever grim
Or is there need for humor full of cheek --
A magic spell to make a dog of him?

-----------------------------------------------------------

3rd Quatrain:

This character wishes to go his way,
To conform his nature to your own cause
Could bring verbal caustic witty play;
Remember, he bares sharply seasoned claws.

Awkward. Meter problems much like the 1st quatrain. Look at the meter of your first line:

This character wishes to go his way,

Doesn't work metrically. Also, the word "character" doesn't have much "character" used in this fashion. I would opt for something more descriptive, possibly referring to earilier "gamesmanship."

How about:

Our challenger would like to go his way --
If bend his will, I serve my ego's cause,
And sprout barrage of caustic, witty play,
But heed, he wears vain, sharply seasoned claws.

-------------------------------------------------------------

The Couplet:

A retort? A debate in response? Leave,
I say! Let him go, his own way to weave!

Well, again, the meter betrays you. "A reTORT?" You begin the line with two lesser accents in a row -- not an iambic foot.

How about:

A curse, retorting while you take your leave?
Dark scoundrel, think and practice what to weave.

-------------------------------------------------------------

With my changes, you have:

To Match a Wit

To speak or write or act in bold return,
Forgiving or forwarning wicked foe
In serve and match, kind love will always burn
Desireous quests which only Angel's know.

Is this the mighty volley that you seek?
Does he reply with fervor ever grim,
Or is there need for humor full of cheek --
A magic spell to make a dog of him?

Our challenger would like to go his way --
If bend his will, I serve my ego's cause,
And sprout barrage of caustic, witty play,
But heed, he wears vain, sharply seasoned claws.

A curse, retorting while you take your leave?
Dark scoundrel, think, and practice what to weave.

--------------------------------------------------------------

My thoughts.


- Judo

- Edited to correct a bracket.

 

[MyOpinion]

removed

 

[JUDO]

Opi -

Some IP notes --

Iambic - 2 syllables making up a "foot" of meter where the 2nd syllable is stronger than the first, sounding like "taDAH", as in:

toDAY, I wish, our love, would end, or because.

Pentameter - a meter of five parts, or in this case, five "feet" as described above.

If one foot is "taDAH" then five feet would be:

taDAH taDAH taDAH taDAH taDAH

equalling 10 syllables total accented strongly on every even syllable, weakly on every odd.

Example:

Today I wish our love would end because,...

One simple check I've found is to see if the strong accented words contain the gist of the lines meaning. If so, you've probably got a winner.

In the above example, that would be:

Today wish love end because

See, it almost says it all.

I hope that helps.


- Judo

 

[Mythos50]

It has been too long since any posting to this thread, and in my humble opinion, this thread should never fade into the background. There is too much of value here in poems written and lessons given, in feedback and interaction amongst poets.

JUDO, when you have time, please post us another of your sonnets here!

Ever learning,

Mythos

 

[JUDO]

Okay, Mythos. Maybe this will make up for me screwing up my 'Bent' entry. -

--------------------------------------------------------

Tears of the Burning Bed

Upon my soul, I burn in wakeful night
To turn and spin as pictures dance in spite
Of all my tricks I've played to make them tire,
But sweat can not upturn this bed of fire.

A haunting smile, a teasing glance appears
Behind my eyes, but it's my heart that sears
As breasts and legs rub flames along my face
My hands are yours so hot to take their place.

Perhaps the moon, or planets so aligned,
Or maybe it's just sex, I'm quite inclined.
Poor sleep retreats as violins spread in song,
And breathy moans' duet sings right along.

It's too long since we've fucked, my love and I,
But tears run down my thighs, and make me cry.

 

[Angeline]

Tears of the Burning Bed

Upon my soul, I burn in wakeful night
To turn and spin as pictures dance in spite
Of all my tricks I've played to make them tire,
But sweat can not upturn this bed of fire.

A haunting smile, a teasing glance appears
Behind my eyes, but it's my heart that sears
As breasts and legs rub flames along my face
My hands are yours so hot to take their place.

Perhaps the moon, or planets so aligned,
Or maybe it's just sex, I'm quite inclined.
Poor sleep retreats as violins spread in song,
And breathy moans' duet sings right along.

It's too long since we've fucked, my love and I,
But tears run down my thighs, and make me cry.

Wow! I don't think you should worry about losing your touch. That is masterful and has so many interesting wordplays (I love "tears run down my thighs.") This is a terrific poem. We should all pool our efforts and publish a book of erotic sonnets. I'm serious! I'll bet it would do rather well pitched to the right niche (literary perverts, lol).

 

[JUDO]

Thanks, Angie. Want to do it? Photographs, I think, would be a must (Oh, black and white, of course). I could just see someone writhing in a tumble of sheets in the dark to go along with that one.

Let me know if you want to. How many would we need? Fifty or so?

By the way, your AV is cool. It looks like someone painted you as the Madonna in oils.

Angie as 'Madonna and Child.' Imagine, a little Jesus running around the house causing havoc. I can just see Mary on the verge of losing it. "Jesus! Quit growing wings on the cat. It freaks out the pigeons."

 

[Angeline]

By the way, your AV is cool. It looks like someone painted you as the Madonna in oils.

Of all the things I've been compared to, the Madonna (or Madonna for that matter, lol) has never been one. I do have the pedigree (well the Jewish part, not the er virgin one), but otherwise I don't think we share much. She seems to have been more tolerant than I ever was--although my mother would probably be willing to compare my house to a stable sometimes.

 

[Floater]

Syllables, Rhythm & Poetics

Let us not to the mirage of true minds
Posit a solidity; thought’s no more real
Because it labels everything it finds
With leaden tags, subscribing to some rule.

Zoologists who study the eagle’s flight,
Anatomising every feather’s role
And marking every muscle, fix their sight
On stiffened ripples, as the supple soul
Of flight vanishes in a swoon of light,
And science maps the nap of its own blindfold.

Poetry should fly; the rhythms that are its wings,
Subtle as the shimmer that flickers before flames start,
Congeal, defeated, trapped in reason’s rings
And rules, out for the count. Listen to the heart.

 

[Lady Brittany]

Here's one of many sonnets that I've written in the past 10 years.

-Brittany

Sonnet #17

She is as soft as silk
Of rarest form, from heaven spun
Skin as fair as purest milk
Eyes beaming bright like the sun

As beautiful as Aphrodite rising from the foam
She who has brought me into the light
From her presence, I'll ne'er roam
As my soul she fills with pure delight

'Neath the moon, she stands there
Beauty beyond all that's e'er seen
The wind blowing her dark hair
Holds my memory of this romantic scene

A flower, delicate and rare
'Tis her, my lady fair