Love Sonnets!

[Floater]

This is the first thing I tried writing according to a 'form' and I have a feeling I'

DP,

I liked your poem, specially holding the dead hand.

There's always what Judo calls the danger of Yoda-speak with poems written in strict forms, and I think we have to be careful using words we wouldn't actually say. The word thence I'm uneasy with, and you could possibly say,

Before I could stumble, knowing I would fall

and maybe you could try,

I tried to save myself a broken heart

as sounding more natural

If this really is a first shot at writing in a strict form I think your poem remarkably assured and natural, and hope you're encouraged to explore the fertile minefield of fixed forms.




This is for you:

Sometimes forms have ideas of their own
Like people do, and these ideas may be
At variance with ours. When we’re alone
Thoughts seem to find their voice more effortlessly.

In conversation we’re required to toss
Ideas around; if one gets lost in space
We try another, till we get across
What was behind that thought in the first place.

We make discoveries, something more fresh
Than what we thought we thought, we find we think;
Something quite unexpected, and we mesh
With something beyond ourselves. Or . . . we may sink!

Dylan, asked how to write songs that really fly
Said, write fifteen, then throw fourteen away.

Floater

 

[damppanties]

Thanks Floater, for your comments and suggestions.

The first one - about 'thence' - I agree with. I was uncomfortable with that myself.

About the second suggestion - In "I saved myself from the breaking of heart", I tried to convey a finality that I cannot with the suggested 'tried to save'. I didn't try, I am telling myself and forcing it down my throat that I did it.

Thanks for the encouragement This isn't really my first attempt - it's the first attepmt that made it. The first try turned into something which couldn't be called a sonnet, but I absolutely loved the way it turned out so I couldn't get myself to fiddle with it and get it to confirm to the metre, etc.

And I love the poem...

 

[JUDO]

but here's a little try:


I regret your coming into my world
And filling it with iridescent dreams
You made life a magical, dancing twirl
But in retrospect a big farce it seems

Was it love - the feeling I had for you?
I'm still not sure after all this has passed
Although I realize that 'we' are through
I'm still clutching the dead hand of the past

Before the terrible ending could start
Before I could stumble and thence could fall
I saved myself from the breaking of heart
I convinced myself it's not love at all

But if those feelings didn't mean anything
Just why in hell did I need convincing.


This is the first thing I tried writing according to a 'form' and I have a feeling I've ruined my ideas in the process... but since I wrote it, I thought I'd post it anyway. Can it be salvaged?

DP -

Original ideas are always worth salvaging.

You followed the 'form,' but for one thing. The meter is missing.

Iambic pentameter in the English (not necessarily Italian or classic) Sonnets have five feet to the line with each foot having the emphasis of the beat (or ictus) on the second half of the foot, as in:

ta-DAH

Or a line of five:

ta-DAH ta-DAH ta-DAH ta-DAH ta-dAH

Within my breast the light of joy burns bright!

Yes, it is 10 syllables per line, but the lines should have the meter, not just 10 syllables.

---------------------------------------------------
Let's look at what you have:

1st stanza

I regret your coming into my world
And filling it with iridescent dreams
You made life a magical, dancing twirl
But in retrospect a big farce it seems

10 syllables per line, but it really doesn't flow like music. Generally speaking, words with more than one syllable have accents in them. Your second word regret is one of these, as is coming, filling, magical, and dancing. As you can see, some words do not lend themselves to the form easily. The word magical is a perfect example of this. It has three syllables and only the first has emphasis. If the middle had the emphasis, it could be made to work. This is a perfect word for Double Dactyl poetry, but it doesn't work in the iambic meter needed here.

Like I mentioned above, the ideas are the things to keep from first words. Let's see if we can move words around and substitute others to fit the form and keep your intent.

Regret has come with you into my world
To feed me full of your enticing dreams.
You made my life a dizzy dance that twirled,
But retrospect reveals a farce it seems.

Hear the difference, the flow?

* * *

2nd stanza

Was it love - the feeling I had for you?
I'm still not sure after all this has passed
Although I realize that 'we' are through
I'm still clutching the dead hand of the past

Oh, was it love - the feel I had for you?
I'm still not sure since all this time has passed.
Although it's plain to see that 'we' are through
My heart clings to the dead hand of the past. -- clutching was difficult to use here.

* * *

3rd stanza

Before the terrible ending could start
Before I could stumble and thence could fall
I saved myself from the breaking of heart
I convinced myself it's not love at all

Before the death of love's demise could start --
Before I stumbled blindly, thence could fall,
I saved myself to miss this break of heart
And told my mind it wasn't love at all.

* * *

couplet

But if those feelings didn't mean anything
Just why in hell did I need convincing.

But if these blinding dreams were lies all told,
Then why'd my heart need breathless, freezing cold?

I couldn't get anything and convincing to work together. So, the couplet is the biggest change. Here are all my suggestions with the accents in bold.

An Anesthetic for Heartbreak

Regret has come with you into my world
To feed me full of your enticing dreams.
You've made my life a dizzy dance that twirled,
But retrospect reveals a farce it seems.

Oh, was it love - the feel I had for you?
I'm still not sure since all this time has passed.
Although it's plain to see that 'we' are through
My heart doth cling the dead hand of the past.

Before the death of love's demise could start --
Before I stumbled blindly, thence could fall,
I saved myself to miss this break of heart
And told my mind it wasn't love at all.

But if these blinding dreams were lies all told,
Then why'd my heart need breathless, freezing cold?

* * *

HINT: A check I use to see if my meter is working or not is to look at the words in the line that have the emphasis and see if the import of the line is largely contained in these words. It is my belief that if you have written a line well, then this will be true or closely true.

Take the third stanza's lines and do this:

Before death love's demise start
Before stumbled blindly thence fall
Saved myself miss break heart
Told mind wasn't love all

My thoughts -

- Judo

 

[JUDO]

Micro and Lauren, I will get to you, if you still want it. I like yours, Micro and have some thoughts. Lauren, you last was so beautiful -- do you still want comments for the previous?


- Judo

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Of course, Judo! I want comments on both of them, if you don't mind the extra work.

I was just about to comment on the subtle way you'd ignored my sonnets again when I saw this last post... hee... sorry

 

[damppanties]

Thanks a lot Judo. That's really helped me.

Now preparing to go and tear my other poems up into accented iambic pentameter...

 

[JUDO]

J--

Let me know what you think of this one: classic abba abba cdc dcd scheme, 12 syllable verses, non-iambic.



Insomnia

Almost a waning shape, nothing but tenuous light,
Nocturnal Diana dispenses her pale glow;
And as her route comes to end, the ocean below
Doubles her moonlit figure, tremulous in fright...

Subtle filtered murmurs hasten throughout the night,
The bawling frogs within the sleeping lake lay low,
Hooting owls upon men ominous fears bestow,
Between encroaching bushes kept from sight...

Lethargic vapour spread by Morpheus takes its toll,
As strange sweet despondency quickly claims its place
In the light hearts of those blessed with a loveless soul...

But (oh, gloomy me!) if I seek sleep's soothing embrace,
Love opens my eyes, in my whole self lust takes control
And sweetest Katherine through my thoughts gives me chase.

Fucking finally! I have to remember never to try and write/edit these reviews in the gosh darn "Post Reply" thing-y. The net, Lit, Netscape, my friggin' Mac -- anything crashes and the hour or more of work is history.

* * *

:sigh: Okay, now down to it for my sweet thinker, Lauren.

Insomnia

1st Quatrain:

Almost a waning shape, nothing but tenuous light,
Nocturnal Diana dispenses her pale glow;
And as her route comes to end, the ocean below
Doubles her moonlit figure, tremulous in fright…

Content:

This seems to be using the travels of the moon at night over the ocean as an analogy for how Diana, the huntress goes about her business. It makes me think of a woman at night, stealthily hunting for something elusive.

Meter & Structure:

Accents marked in bold. You have:

Almost a waning shape, nothing but tenuous light, (13 syllables and the tenth is accented)
Nocturnal Diana dispenses her pale glow; (12 syllables with an odd choice of the first three words all having "middle" accents in them, and the last two words both being accented. The 10th syllable is not accented.)
And asher route comes to end, the ocean below (12 syllables. 10th syllable, not accented. The positioning of the phrase flows right over the rhyme, negating its use as structure)
Doubles her moonlit figure, tremulous in fright… (12 syllables, 10th not accented)

Seems like you have achieved what you sought to achieve. No meter at all. The structure is largely heard from the rhyme of the 1st line and 4th line. The words work well in conveying a haunting meaning and imagery, almost like free verse, but the "light and fright" use pull it back from that.

You asked if iambic pantameter might serve the work? I don't know, so let's try it and see.

Almost a waning shape, just barely light,
By night, Diana issues her pale glow.
As ends her route above the waves below,
A twin reflects her face so soft in fright.

Perhaps a slightly different meaning to what you had originally intended. Possibly not as 'haunting' as the original. Does it help being in strict meter? I like how it sounds and feels, but yours I like as well, just in a very different way.

2nd Quatrain:

Subtle filtered murmurs hasten throughout the night,
The bawling frogs within the sleeping lake lay low,
Hooting owls upon men ominous fears bestow,
Between encroaching bushes kept from sight...

Content:

Again, the haunting feel… The murmurs almost acting like sprites flitting about a dark forest. The frogs suddenly silent at the approach or no one and the hoot of owls frightening 'men' as though they were already on edge. I think the men are hiding in the bushes, but the position of 'between' leaves that to debate.

Meter & Structure:

Accent marks in bold. You have:

Subtle filtered murmurs hasten throughout the night,(12 syllables with the first four words all having accents on their first syllable).
The bawling frogs within the sleeping lake lay low,(12 syllables, this is iambic with a six foot meter)
Hooting owls upon men ominous fears bestow, (12 syllables, no discernable meter)
Between encroaching bushes kept from sight... (10 syllables, iambic pentameter)

Again, each line is so different from the rest that no discernable consistent rhythm could be counted. Like the first quatrain, there should be a feeling of no accented rhythms (this is my best way of saying that although there may be a flow to the words that works, there isn't a metrical rhythm). Funny, that the two iambic lines are in this quatrain.

Again, you asked about applying iambic pentameter. Here is my attempt on your second quatrain:

Low subtle murmurs echo through the night.
Within the sleeping lake, cool frogs lay low.
By hoot of owls mens' quiet fear bestow
Between encroaching bushes kept from sight...

1st Tercet:

Lethargic vapour spread by Morpheus takes its toll,
As strange sweet despondency quickly claims its place
In the light hearts of those blessed with a loveless soul...

The haunting quality from before is now extended in the realm of legend with the appearance of Morpheus and the zombie-like existence of loveless souls. -- plus the applied 'sweet' nature to despondency.

Meter & Structure

Accents marked in bold. You have:

Lethargic vapour spread by Morpheus takes its toll, (13 syllables, iambic 'til 'Morpheus.' Begins and ends well, if it were iambic.)
As strange sweet despondency quickly claims its place (12 syllables, no iambic, BUT what I just noticed with this line is that there were no strongly accented syllables next to one another. This may be a good rule to follow when trying to create flowing non-iambic lines, especially while still following other iambic rules -- beginning the line with a weak accent and ending with a strong one.)
In the light hearts of those blessed with a loveless soul... (12 syllables, and this line is just the opposite in good keeping with making certain that anything remotely iambic is offset in this work with strong accents next to one another thoughout while still beginning and ending well for iambic.)

I think you can see from my comments above that I am looking for reasons as to why you work is working in spite of the lack of consistent meter. You decided on a meter (or non-meter) and you stuck with it well.

For an iambic pentameter look, here we go (Oh, by the way, Lauren, the reason for my asking was that Morpheus accents don't work well in the iambic pentameter form, but the Italian Morfeo does - :

With numbing mist, Morfeo takes his toll
So sweet despondency can claim its place
In vain light hearts thus blessed with loveless soul...

2nd Tercet:

But (oh, gloomy me!) if I seek sleep's soothing embrace,
Love opens my eyes, in my whole self lust takes control
And sweetest Katherine through my thoughts gives me chase.

And the kicker… The haunted night and fears of men give rise to the wicked embrace of Morfeo's delusional dream-state, and you give yourself over to lust (likely excuse. Lol.) and thoughts of 'sweetest Katherine' taunts your dreams. Lovely, just lovely. A good setup that is well paid off. Good job.

I do feel like the middle line could use a little reworking. The "in my whole self" feels awkwardly stated.

Meter & Structure

Accented syllables in bold:

But (oh, gloomy me!) if I seek sleep's soothing embrace, (13 syllables and no consistent meter -- as a device, the comment in parenthesis helps a lot.)
Love opens my eyes, in my whole self lust takes control (13 syllables, and no meter)
And sweetest Katherine through my thoughts gives me chase. (12 syllables, no meter).

A model of consistency - no consistent accent rhythm from these words.

In iambic pentameter:

But if I seek enchanted sleep's embrace,
I'm overwhelmed by love and lust's control
And sweetest Kate o'er dreamland gives me chase.

Summary:

To the best of my knowledge, Lauren, you have a wonderfully written classic Italian sonnet here. Although, the imagery is vivid enough to easily inspire the iambic pentameter version listed below. Thanks for sharing.

* * *

Lauren.Hynde's 'Insomnia'
- an iambic pentamenter reworking of -

Almost a waning shape, just barely light,
By night, Diana issues her pale glow.
As ends her route above the waves below,
A twin reflects her face quite soft in fright.

Low subtle murmurs echo through the night.
Within the sleeping lake, cool frogs lay low.
By hoot of owls mens' quiet fears bestow
Between encroaching bushes kept from sight...

With numbing mist, Morfeo takes his toll
So sweet despondency can claim its place
In vain, light hearts thus blessed with loveless soul...

But if I seek enchanted sleep's embrace,
I'm overwhelmed by love and lust's control
And sweetest Kate o'er dreamland gives me chase.

* * *

My best.

- Judo

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Thank you so much for your time and effort, Judo.

Your analysis of the imagery of the poem was perfect, and I can't begin to tell you how much better I think your edited version. It flows better, it looks better and the images are so much clearer.

I wasn't happy with mine. It took me way too long and I had to struggle to bring it to life. And no matter how nicely you try to put it (which I appreciate) I know it's far from being perfect as a classic sonnet. But with your indications, I'll be able to take it a step further in that direction.


And yes it was a likely excuse. And yummy too

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Pssst! Check these out: Insomnia (edited*), and Insomnia: redux.

*Or should have been. I think Laurel didn't update it yet... Check again tomorrow.

Now I only have to wait for your review of the other sonnet. I'm thinking some time before April would be nice, but no pressure

 

[Angeline]

Sonnet

I only wish I'd written this one--it's Billy Collins. I love it and think it's a terrific reminder that sonnets come in many forms.


Sonnet by Billy Collins

All we need is fourteen lines, well, thirteen now,
and after this one just a dozen,
to launch a little ship on love's storm-tossed seas,
then only ten more left like rows of beans.
How easily it goes unless you get Elizabethan
and insist the iambic bongos must be played
and rhymes positioned at the ends of lines,
one for every station of the cross.
But hang on here while we make the turn,
into the final six where all will be resolved,
where longing and heartache will find an end,
where Laura will tell Petrarch to put down his pen,
take off those crazy medieval tights,
blow out the lights, and come at last to bed.

 

[JUDO]

Oringally posted by Lauren.Hynde --
A Silent Whisper, One Night

Intractable spell, that voice's opiate sigh,
With sounds of gold in nights of doubts umpteen;
By silver sparks, her say reveals a Queen,
She dances naked, lustful -- laughs so sly.

A Tigress, tenders me a gleaming thigh,
Intoxicate on Cool, her Beaut pristine,
Bestows her sex and -- Oh marvellous scene!
We spasm together, twin souls soaring high,

But never have I seen her --not a glance!
Her voice alone commands my heart like this,
I don't desire her flesh, or mere romance.

She's just a voice-in-heat, the quiet ballerina --
And for that voice-turned-real, that Goddess Athena,
I dream to melt away, drown in shivering bliss.

I'm not certain that the punctuation above is what you wanted. The '—' listed with the poem originally, I believe is a MS versus html anomaly. Let me know what it should be.

Anyway, since you have done such before, I will assume that this is a classic sonnet form, not English, and therefore, the iambic pentameter critique is out the window. I will, however, give you suggestions with regards to fitting this into the English meter.

Commentary:
First of all, the words chosen reflect the grace of the unseen ballerina that is the character of this work. I also believe the seductive nature of this creature is also presented with nice word choices. Words that stick out to me on first read as possibly not belonging are 'Beaut' and 'umpteen.'

1st Quatrain

Intractable spell, that voice's opiate sigh, (13 syllables)
With sounds of gold in nights of doubts umpteen; (10 syllables)
By silver sparks, her say reveals a Queen, (10 syllables)
She dances naked, lustful -- laughs so sly. (10 syllables)

With the last three lines bearing ten syllables each, the first line (which is always used to set meter) feels out-of-place here. 'Intractable' is a wonderful word, but could it be altered, or the reference to the central character 'that voice's' be altered to make the line fit a little better?

Perhaps 'unruly, magical, bothersome, enticeing' would shorten the syllabic usage and still convey the meaning needed. Rather than 'that voice's' which seems a little misplaced so early in the work, since we have no reference to a character or voice as of yet.

Also, 'opiate' in this position would require a oPIate pronounciation, so I moved it a bit.

How about:

Unruly spell, an opiate of sigh,
With golden sounds in doubtful nights so lean;
By silver sparks, its say reveals a Queen,
Who dances naked, lusts and laughs so sly.

2nd Quatrain

A Tigress, tenders me a gleaming thigh, (10 syllables)
Intoxicate on Cool, her Beaut pristine, (10 syllables)
Bestows her sex and -- Oh marvellous scene! (10 syllables)
We spasm together, twin souls soaring high, (11 syllables)

It seems like you may actually be trying the English Sonnet after all, my mistake. 11 in the last line will be easy to alter.

I love the opening line:

A Tigress, tenders me a gleaming thigh,

I'm not certain the intent of the second line, though.

Intoxicate on Cool, her Beaut pristine,

The biggest error here is Beaut's use. It's defined as one who is beautiful. So, in your usage, it would convey that she has someone with her 'her Beaut.' I believe you meant it to refer to her beauty.

Perhaps the 'Intoxicate' line begins as an understood subject, as in 'I intoxicate.' I intoxicate on cool (reflecting her), a beaut pristine (defining her).

Also, 'spasm' sticks out for me as not belonging. Possibly 'shiver, tremble' or some other metaphor could replace it?

How about:

A Tigress, tenders me a gleaming thigh.
Intoxicate on cool, a beaut pristine
Bestows her sex and -- Oh, marvelous scene! --
We tremble as one, twin souls soaring high,

1st Tercet

Interrupting for a brief note:

You're not going to believe this. I've had my computers running continuously for weeks, and now, today, I start another critique of a Lauren sonnet and BOOM! The power went out right about here.
Augh! I ran outside to see if the power was on and it was. Back inside, the computers are already coming back up, and I realize, "OH Damn! I hadn't saved it!" So, started again… Gah!

Now, back to our regularly scheduled program…

But never have I seen her --not a glance! (10 syllables)
Her voice alone commands my heart like this, (11 syllables)
I don't desire her flesh, or mere romance. (10 syllables)

The first and last lines are good. 'Vo-ice' is two syllables in English. I know of your latin background. Perhaps you wanted 'vox?' Kidding. I will try to change something else to make the line work and keep voice. Also, 'VO-ice a-LONE' doesn't work in the iambic, perhaps that's what should be altered.

How about:

But never have I seen her, not a glance!
Her voice only rules my heart like this.
I don't desire her flesh, or mere romance.

2nd Tercet

She's just a voice-in-heat, the quiet ballerina -- (14 syllables)
And for that voice-turned-real, that Goddess Athena, (13 syllables)
I dream to melt away, drown in shivering bliss. (12 syllables)

Okay, well, I think you conveyed what you wanted, but the lines are too long for what you were attempting, I believe.

Let's look at meter first:

She's just a voice-in-heat the quiet ballerina --
And for that voice-turned-real, that Goddess Athe na,
I dream to melt away, drown in shiering bliss.

Well, the only part of the sonnet not following iambic pentameter. Let's see if we can keep the intent and fit it into the old form.

'ballerina' and 'Athena' both end on non-accented syllables, so we can't use them in the strict sense as rhyming words for the English sonnet, but poetry is art and therefore, adjustable for the greater good when need arises.

I'm also wondering about your rhyme scheme in the two tercets -- ABA, then CCB -- seems a little odd. If we re-order the 1st Tercet to AAB, it seems to make a little more sense and still convey the meaning.

How about:

Her lust-filled song, her ballerina's grace
From lands born real, my queen Athena's face,
I dream to melt, and drown in shivered bliss.

* * *

When it's all put together, it sounds like this:

Silent Whisper, One Night

Unruly spell, an opiate of sigh,
With golden sounds in doubtful nights so lean;
By silver sparks, its say reveals a Queen,
Who dances naked, lusts and laughs so sly.

A Tigress, tenders me a gleaming thigh.
Intoxicate on cool, a beaut pristine
Bestows her sex and -- Oh, marvelous scene! --
We tremble as one, twin souls soaring high,

But never have I seen her, not a glance!
I don't desire her flesh, or mere romance.
Her voice only rules my heart like this.

Her lust-filled song, her ballerina's grace
From lands born real, my queen Athena's face,
I dream to melt, and drown in shivered bliss.

* * *

 

[Angeline]

Time's Folly

On Thursday last he took his leave of me
And understanding that my sweet must go,
I smiled although parting unwillingly,
Expecting days surely to pass too slow.

Tis true the days between us were not dull,
But filled with season’s laughter, joy, and care,
And yet these hours I would glad annul
To bask for minutes more in love so rare.

For lovers’ time ticks to a fickle clock,
Defying the mere mortal’s standard day,
Flying too fast when hearts together lock,
But falling still when they must be away.

And yet when we return to be as one,
All time and space between us are undone.

 

[JUDO]

Beauty of a sonnet, Angie. I will return with a few meter suggs, but wonderful none-the-less.


- Judo

 

[Angeline]

Beauty of a sonnet, Angie. I will return with a few meter suggs, but wonderful none-the-less.

Thanks dollface.





P.S. We need to get the rest of these poets in their evening attire, eh?

 

[JUDO]

Crit for Angeline

Originally posted by Angeline
Time's Folly

On Thursday last he took his leave of me
And understanding that my sweet must go,
I smiled although parting unwillingly,
Expecting days surely to pass too slow.

Tis true the days between us were not dull,
But filled with season’s laughter, joy, and care,
And yet these hours I would glad annul
To bask for minutes more in love so rare.

For lovers’ time ticks to a fickle clock,
Defying the mere mortal’s standard day,
Flying too fast when hearts together lock,
But falling still when they must be away.

And yet when we return to be as one,
All time and space between us are undone.

Overall

As I mentioned in the above post -- wonderful sentiment, well-chosen words. Only the meter gets a little stuck now and again.


1st quatrain

On Thursday last he took his leave of me
And understanding that my sweet must go,
I smiled although parting unwillingly,
Expecting days surely to pass too slow.

You handle the meter quite well, placing the accent on the 'upbeat' (used for those of jazz ilk) in most places.

3rd line:

The word "parting," while wonderfully appropriate has its meter on the wrong syllable, and there is a simple substitute as a fix - "we part."

4th line:

The same thing here for the word "surely." It gets a little tongue-tied, trying to put slow at the end of the sentence and maintain the conveyed thought of time passing too slowly. I liked the beginning "expecting days," and so kept it in my rework below.

Expecting days to pass me much too slow.

How about:

On Thursday last he took his leave of me
And understanding that my sweet must go,
I smiled although we part unwillingly,
Expecting days to pass me much too slow.


2nd quatrain

Tis true the days between us were not dull,
But filled with season’s laughter, joy, and care,
And yet these hours I would glad annul
To bask for minutes more in love so rare.

With an apostrophe beginning, no?

3rd line:

Only nine syllables here. The only one in the bunch, so I guess you tried to make 'hours' be two of them -- "Ow-wers?" The fix seemed simply, but with the following line beginning with "to," I felt "too" in front of glad would be "too to." Also, with "so" contained in the next line, I couldn't really use that in front of "glad," or it would be too "so-so." (Yes, pun intended.) As a result, "quite" will have to do unless a more extensive rewrite of the line is found to be necessary.

So, how about:

'Tis true the days between us were not dull,
But filled with season’s laughter, joy, and care,
And yet these hours I would quite glad annul
To bask for minutes more in love so rare.


3rd Quatrain:

For lovers’ time ticks to a fickle clock,
Defying the mere mortal’s standard day,
Flying too fast when hearts together lock,
But falling still when they must be away.

First two lines are gorgeous, but I may need to alter the third and fourth lines because of minor meter stuff again. The third line starts with "Flying," and really can't. As a result, the 2nd line has to end in a period, rather than comma. The third line will start a new sentence.

It flies too fast when hearts together lock,

"Flying" and "falling" were good parallelism in the original, but without "flying, falling" seems out-of-place. I don't know why, but upon reading it without flying, falling felt odd, so I changed it to keep the sentiment. The last line could probably still be re-worked -- "still it holds" is a little too Yoda-speak for my tastes.

But still it holds when they must be away.

How about:

For lovers' time ticks to a fickle clock,
Defying the mere mortal's standard day.
It flies too fast when hearts together lock,
But still it holds when they must be away.

The Couplet:

And yet when we return to be as one,
All time and space between us are undone.

Your couplet is perfection. Proper sentiment, closing the thoughts. Do you write bumper stickers for a living? lol.

And with all my changes:

Time's Folly

On Thursday last he took his leave of me
And understanding that my sweet must go,
I smiled although we part unwillingly,
Expecting days to pass me much too slow.

'Tis true the days between us were not dull,
But filled with season’s laughter, joy, and care,
And yet these hours I would quite glad annul
To bask for minutes more in love so rare.

For lovers' time ticks to a fickle clock,
Defying the mere mortal's standard day.
It flies too fast when hearts together lock,
But still it holds when they must be away.

And yet when we return to be as one,
All time and space between us are undone.


My thoughts.

- Judo

 

[Lauren Hynde]

In response to Judo's comment on 'A Silent Whisper, One Night'

Judo--

Thank you for your comments. They're always well worth the wait, power outage's and all (yes, I have that effect on people, sometimes)

Just a few notes I'd like to run through you:

I must confess, I was going for the iambic pentameter thing, but perfectly aware that I wasn't being able to maintain it consistently throughout the sonnet. Even so, I managed to mess it up a couple of times.

In the 1st Quatrain, I honestly don't know what the hell I was thinking about; at first I though I'd seen five iambs were there were six already, but now that I'm really paying attention, I believe I had to be comatose or something like that. Still, there's a couple of things about your suggestions. I know English isn't my native language, and that's why I always try to double check these things, but I can't find the 13th syllable you're counting:

Intractable spell, that voice's opiate sigh,
in-'trak-t&-b&l 'spel, [th]at 'voi-ses 'O-pE-"At 'sI

Of course that Intractable renders iamb impossible, and screws up the whole meter. But I would like to introduce voice from the very start, since that is the real character of this stanza. How about:

That voice's magic spell, hypnotic sigh
With golden sounds in doubtful nights so lean;
By silver sparks, its say reveals a Queen
Who dances naked, lusts and laughs so sly.

I'm a bit bothered by the so-so thing in the 2nd and 4th verses, but it isn't serious.

Then, in the 1st Tercet, you again count once extra syllable, in voice. I triple checked it. According to Merriam-Webster Online:

Main Entry: voice
Pronunciation: 'vois

One syllable... Sooo... VOICE aLONE does work!
(If I'm wrong, it isn't my fault: blame it on Mr. Webster)

Where I really got it all wrong was in the last tercet. Not with the rhyming scheme, because the rules allow some flexibility in there--I do think your suggestion's better--, or the choice of ballerina and Athena--decided to ignore the last non-stressed syllable in the count--but for everything else, I can't find any explanation. Maybe I was getting too excited with the subject and rushed it through. lol. With a few corrections, we could have:

A voice-in-heat, the quiet ballerina (iambic pentameter + one weak syllable)
And for that voice-turned-real, that Goddess Athena (1)
I dream to melt, and drown in shivered bliss.

(1) THIS was the one verse I couldn't turn into iamb, and substitute Goddess for Queen would do it--check that voice issue again--, or at least make it 'iambic pentameter + one weak syllable'. But still, I think this is one of those situations where I can use my poetic licence to overrule the technically correct form, don't you think, my queen?

But I think I like your version better, with a few minor adjustments. The full 'corrected' version:

A Silent Whisper, One Night

That voice's magic spell, hypnotic sigh
With golden sounds in doubtful nights so lean;
By silver sparks, its say reveals a Queen
Who dances naked, lusts and laughs so sly.

A Tigress, tenders me a gleaming thigh.
Intoxicate on cool, a beaut pristine;
Bestows her sex and--Oh, marvelous scene!--
We tremble as one, twin souls soaring high,

But never have I seen her, not a glance!
I don't desire her flesh, or mere romance,
Her voice alone commands my heart like this.

Her lust-filled song, her ballerina's grace,
For once turns real my poised Athena's face:
I dream to melt, and drown in shivered bliss.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

I'm not certain that the punctuation above is what you wanted. The '—' listed with the poem originally, I believe is a MS versus html anomaly. Let me know what it should be.

Mmm... Not sure what you see. It looks ok from where I'm standing. The '—' I used in the poem originally was an m-dash. I used the code that's supposed to be html compatible, so it would show up as -- in any computer regardless of which OS or browser.

Don't you see the same thing I do?

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Re: Time's Folly

On Thursday last he took his leave of me
And understanding that my sweet must go,
I smiled although parting unwillingly,
Expecting days surely to pass too slow.

Tis true the days between us were not dull,
But filled with season’s laughter, joy, and care,
And yet these hours I would glad annul
To bask for minutes more in love so rare.

For lovers’ time ticks to a fickle clock,
Defying the mere mortal’s standard day,
Flying too fast when hearts together lock,
But falling still when they must be away.

And yet when we return to be as one,
All time and space between us are undone.

I totally agree with Judo, Ange. Changes or no changes, this is still a beautiful sonnet. Congratulations.

 

[Angeline]

Sonnet Helpers

JUDO, thank you for the thorough critical review. You really are a doll. I'm doing all the changes but for the gerunds in the last quatrain--I really like the parallelism and I don't want to lose flying/falling, which really express what I want to say. I see your point, though, and think it's a lesser of two evils situation. Maybe there's yet another way--I need to cogitate.

Lauren, you mermaid! Love the AV and the sig line. Thank you for the good words. That was my seventh sonnet, so it must have been the lucky one.

 

[Cordelia]

another try at a love sonnet

As if the darkness of your eyes could show
a way for me to trap the voice of pain,
and set in amber life’s imbroglio
for me to hide, so only you remain.

Jars of my desire, well preserved –
formaldehyde-postponed in its allure,
patient in the hope that I’ve reserved
for packing up my soul, in honey-cure.

Repentance never froze a single urge,
but kisses stir emotions long left stored.
From suspended animation will emerge
warmed and soft – adventures unexplored.

A trophy, not of conquest, but of art –
A taxidermist version of my heart.


*********************************

Okay, okay.....so how often do you get to use "formaldehyde" in a love poem?



Cordelia

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Thanks

But don't blame it on luck, Ange. You know better than that.

 

[Cordelia]

wow

Awesome sonnet, Ang. So tender and simple in its sentiments.

They just get better.



Cordelia

 

[JUDO]

Re: In response to Judo's comment on 'A Silent Whisper, One Night'

Judo--

Thank you for your comments. They're always well worth the wait, power outage's and all (yes, I have that effect on people, sometimes)

Just a few notes I'd like to run through you:

I must confess, I was going for the iambic pentameter thing, but perfectly aware that I wasn't being able to maintain it consistently throughout the sonnet. Even so, I managed to mess it up a couple of times.

In the 1st Quatrain, I honestly don't know what the hell I was thinking about; at first I though I'd seen five iambs were there were six already, but now that I'm really paying attention, I believe I had to be comatose or something like that. Still, there's a couple of things about your suggestions. I know English isn't my native language, and that's why I always try to double check these things, but I can't find the 13th syllable you're counting:

Intractable spell, that voice's opiate sigh,
in-'trak-t&-b&l 'spel, [th]at 'voi-ses 'O-pE-"At 'sI

I suppose it depends is the answer, but I always read vo-ice [voh-ees] as two syllables, hence vo-i-ces [voh-ee-says] as three. Like to-y, bo-y, no-ise... Oh-ee just isn't one syllable in English, not like the oi en Francais.

Of course that Intractable renders iamb impossible, and screws up the whole meter. But I would like to introduce voice from the very start, since that is the real character of this stanza. How about:

That voice's magic spell, hypnotic sigh
With golden sounds in doubtful nights so lean;
By silver sparks, its say reveals a Queen
Who dances naked, lusts and laughs so sly.

I'm a bit bothered by the so-so thing in the 2nd and 4th verses, but it isn't serious.

Then, in the 1st Tercet, you again count once extra syllable, in voice. I triple checked it. According to Merriam-Webster Online:

Main Entry: voice
Pronunciation: 'vois

See above.

One syllable... Sooo... VOICE aLONE does work!
(If I'm wrong, it isn't my fault: blame it on Mr. Webster)

Where I really got it all wrong was in the last tercet. Not with the rhyming scheme, because the rules allow some flexibility in there--I do think your suggestion's better--, or the choice of ballerina and Athena--decided to ignore the last non-stressed syllable in the count--but for everything else, I can't find any explanation. Maybe I was getting too excited with the subject and rushed it through. lol. With a few corrections, we could have:

A voice-in-heat, the quiet ballerina (iambic pentameter + one weak syllable)
And for that voice-turned-real, that Goddess Athena (1)
I dream to melt, and drown in shivered bliss.

(1) THIS was the one verse I couldn't turn into iamb, and substitute Goddess for Queen would do it--check that voice issue again--, or at least make it 'iambic pentameter + one weak syllable'. But still, I think this is one of those situations where I can use my poetic licence to overrule the technically correct form, don't you think, my queen?

C'est manifique!

But I think I like your version better, with a few minor adjustments. The full 'corrected' version:

A Silent Whisper, One Night

That voice's magic spell, hypnotic sigh
With golden sounds in doubtful nights so lean;
By silver sparks, its say reveals a Queen
Who dances naked, lusts and laughs so sly.

A Tigress, tenders me a gleaming thigh.
Intoxicate on cool, a beaut pristine;
Bestows her sex and--Oh, marvelous scene!--
We tremble as one, twin souls soaring high,

But never have I seen her, not a glance!
I don't desire her flesh, or mere romance,
Her voice alone commands my heart like this.

Her lust-filled song, her ballerina's grace,
For once turns real my poised Athena's face:
I dream to melt, and drown in shivered bliss.

 

[JUDO]

Mmm... Not sure what you see. It looks ok from where I'm standing. The '—' I used in the poem originally was an m-dash. I used the code that's supposed to be html compatible, so it would show up as -- in any computer regardless of which OS or browser.

Don't you see the same thing I do?

No, I don't. It could very well be because I have a pre-OS10 Mac, but then it could also be because we are not displaying stuff in this subsidized forum (What is it? Vbulletin?) in html, we display in an abbreviated "vB" code.

:shrugs:
- Judo

 

[Lauren Hynde]

No, I don't. It could very well be because I have a pre-OS10 Mac, but then it could also be because we are not displaying stuff in this subsidized forum (What is it? Vbulletin?) in html, we display in an abbreviated "vB" code.

:shrugs:
- Judo

What about here, do you see the same thing? (And what exactly do you see? lol)

A Silent Whisper, One Night