March Review Open Season

[StillStunned]

I use "hoarfrost" in conversation. It doesn't come up often, but when it does, there's only one word that fits.

"Hoary" comes up in writing occasionally. I doubt I'd use it in conversation.

 

[Omenainen]

Well, I'd have a snowplough, and also could conceive of a hoarfrost, and I reckon shit all the time. So fuckem, ignorant sods with a limited vocabulary who think they're the centre of the world, when obviously, they're not. That's why Australia has drop bears, and why we get on with Canadians, eh?!

What do you know about snow or hoarfrost

Surfer boy.

Also, you ignorant people, none of you have a word for avanto which is a disgrace. How can one write a proper sexy story without holes in the ice? I might ask! These are fundamental things!

But yeah, agreed. It’s just so difficult to know who to listen to when often things aren’t clearly wrong or right.

 

[StillStunned]

Also, you ignorant people, none of you have a word for avanto which is a disgrace. How can one write a proper sexy story without holes in the ice? I might ask! These are fundamental things!

My second language has a word for that. Interestingly, in my third language, that same word translates as "look" or "look out".

 

[Omenainen]

My second language has a word for that. Interestingly, in my third language, that same word translates as "look" or "look out".

Well, you better look out for avanto, don’t ya? But we’re derailing the thread.

 

[yowser]

Again, thank you so much for this! Very nice to be in the receiving end of a review for a change. I didn't know what to expect or what I could gain from a review, since I'm a pantser and my process is largely subconscious, but there's a few things I did realize while ruminating on this so I thought I'd share.

Thanks. I appreciate your musings on English, and I am amazed at how well you, and many other, non-native speakers here, manage to create such interesting well-told stories when not operating in your mother tongue. And you often wield the language much better than native speakers. What I know about Finnish fits in one hand, and I am in the category of functionally monolingual Americans who cannot imagine writing a tale in a different language. (I am perhaps even worse, since I studied five languages in the course of my education, yet can barely order a meal in a couple of them. A severe lack of the US education system.)

Assholism only because it got mentioned so thoroughly in both characters' family backstories.

The quote comes from Tlön, Uqbar, Orbis Tertius, one of the most amazing, mind-twisting stories I've ever read:

'mirrors and copulation are abominable, because they increase the number of men.'

 

[joy_of_cooking]

Finally published my vampire story. Thanks to all the many people who pushed me along, among them @oneagainst, @Winter_Fare, and of course you.

Vampires Don't Wait Tables
He's a cryptid-obsessed cook. She's just a waiter. Right?

Have at it, yowser.

 

[oneagainst]

Finally published my vampire story. Thanks to all the many people who pushed me along, among them @oneagainst, @Winter_Fare, and of course you.

Vampires Don't Wait Tables
He's a cryptid-obsessed cook. She's just a waiter. Right?

Have at it, yowser.

Good to see it finally out! Just in time....

 

[yowser]

@AwkwardMD
Perfect Storm

This is a complex work, with a lot of moving parts. Felt a little like being in a camera store, trying out different lenses, in then out, wide then narrow, mostly close-up. It's demanding and rewarding in equal measure.

A story of a relationship gone bad, with all the regret, hurt, anger and reflection that go into the messy business of being in love, then out, and the details of one human being connected to another.

I thought the introduction was superb, dropping the reader right into the scene. In particular I think it a huge plus that you have a specific location outlined, the Pacific Northwest: the rain, the setting all working to paint a vivid launch point for the tale. I can hear the rain on the windshield and feel the wet air outside. Marvelous.

The characters are introduced quickly, with lean effective outline drawings, done with dialogue and suggesting the characters' relationships and history.

The reader can guess very quickly what's going to happen, the involuntary collision of the two former lovers.

But the collision is unavoidable, and the explosive energy released is crackling, explosive, revealing.

Okay, trauma from the sky, I get the first transition, the fever-dream flashback. But I kept waiting for the present to return. But it doesn't at the next transition, or the one after that, and I finally give in to the recognition that this is going to be a long series of flashbacks (or quasi-flashbacks.)

You achieve a comprehensive mosaic by doing this, and yet here is the place I think you could have done some paring.

I know you said you were pleased at how sparse you were with the storytelling effects, and I will have to take your word since this is my first full read of one of your stories, but I think you could have shortened this sequence even more, and most of the individual scenes as well, to greater effect.

What is accomplished however, is remarkable. Like a Bach fugue, the heavy drama chords strike loudly, then there’s a light treble riff, then back to mighty blasts of feeling: an emotional fission that is intriguing and exhausting at the same time.

Sex was splendid, sweet and immersive, easy to see why these two were together.

Aside from some paring, I don’t have any real complaints.

My minor one, and this is likely more my quirk as a reader than a flaw in the delivery, so you should take what I say as labeled and ignore as you wish, is a typical one from me: adverbs.

You use them a lot. Many times each individual one is spot-on and legit, but their frequency in tight proximity gets wearisome after a while:

sadly, absolutely, laughing bitterly.

forcefully, absolutely, sadly. exasperatedly, coldly

quickly, excitedly sadly, miserably, desperately, angrily, promptly, playfully, perfectly, immediately, painfully, noncommittally, grimly

haptically, (this one in particular bugged me, do the show-not-tell business here) lovingly, abruptly, devilishly

fearsomely, fiercely, reluctantly, genuinely

tiredly, tersely, eagerly, blithely

helpfully. urgently, stubbornly, softly.

These clusters all vanish when you hit the passionate sections, which are written with short effective blasts of words; the adverb concentrations mostly occur in the dialogue sequences.

I think your narration would work much better if these are used in an exceedingly sparse manner, all will read much better that way. One thing in my own work when I start to see these pile up is to pose a question: can I turn this adverb into a clearer picture somehow? Instead of ‘reluctantly’ can I instead go:

Her words halted, a half-step syncopated pause before each utterance.

Her hesitation showed in how she held her hands, her posture.


Do something to make that particular snapshot more visible, visceral.

Okay, rant over, I should know better than to tell you how to use adverbs.

Overall a sweet, powerful read. Lots of punch behind each interaction, you treat the reader with respect and don’t need to reveal all, just the important pieces that go into the formation of these bonds of love and friendship, and the atomic forces released when those bonds get altered. Lovely.

 

[AwkwardMD]

I've always been more focused on the story, and the ways in which the story is told from a mechanical standpoint, and least focused on the prose. It's my biggest weakness by far. This was fantastic for giving me some goals. My next project is a white whale I've been chasing for... the better part of a decade, and the specific style of the writing was more than I was able to do before. This is good, and gives me a lot to work on.

At some point, I latched onto adverbs as a shortcut to reader interpretation. I love the concept of giving the reader all the clues they need to read a scene on a deeper level, but I've probably gotten lazy at letting one word do the describing. More showing than telling but only by degrees. I'd be lying if I said I was using adverbs to reduce one descriptive sentence into one word. Even I'm not that maniacal when it comes to condensing a story.

I might have more thoughts, but I want to sit with this for a couple days. Thank you very much.

 

[AwkwardMD]

You achieve a comprehensive mosaic by doing this, and yet here is the place I think you could have done some paring.

I know you said you were pleased at how sparse you were with the storytelling effects, and I will have to take your word since this is my first full read of one of your stories, but I think you could have shortened this sequence even more, and most of the individual scenes as well, to greater effect.

Without naming specifics (and I'm not necessarily asking you to), I suspect that at least some of the moments that struck you as unnecessary are there for me, to bring me joy, because The Perfect Storm is a fan fiction that has had the serial numbers filed off. Little details here and there that make me smile because I know what they signify. I'm terrible at killing my darlings, and it turns out that if you just level a genocide at the rest of the story sometimes you can keep a few darlings alive!

Nobody knows that it's fan fiction (although I'm contemplating making a WIWAW to talk about it). If/when I post that, I plan to talk more about some of the references, although I also suspect that there will be zero forum regulars with any knowledge of the subject let alone an expert who might have recognized the pairing without me pointing it out. To my knowledge, no one has ever identified it as such.

 

[ElectricBlue]

These clusters all vanish when you hit the passionate sections, which are written with short effective blasts of words; the adverb concentrations mostly occur in the dialogue sequences.

It's not just me then. Whenever I read @AwkwardMD's work, I think her intimate, emotional sequences shine with a rawness and spontaneity that's powerful, superb, gripping. I think you're saying the same thing.

But the sections where she more consciously "constructs" her content - and we know from her analysis of her own writing how much she enjoys doing that - those elements lose their way for me. I can't help but think, don't edit so much!

But then, I think that of many writers who edit that rawness from their content.

AMD acknowledges this herself:

I've always been more focused on the story, and the ways in which the story is told from a mechanical standpoint, and least focused on the prose.

Give your prose its day in the sun .

 

[AwkwardMD]

Give your prose its day in the sun .

I had awful asthma as a girl, and was hooked up to this breathing machine three times a day for 30 minutes each where all I could do was read. I read books too fast to keep up with making trips to the library all year long (as there was no nearby library at the time), so I grew up reading periodicals and non-fiction. Every section of the newspaper, Newsweek (back when it was good), Time, Nat Geo. (EDIT: Newsweek and Time are weekly magazines that cover very broad subjects. I recall them being somewhat political but mostly focusing on long form essays on individuals and individual achievements, but I was ten and it's been 30 years. Who knows if anything I recall is accurate?) Anything I could get my hands on. Then, when I was in college, I was a history major. I was writing 10 page papers at least once a week, every week, for the last couple years. I have deep roots in persuasive non-fiction.

I am trying very hard to shed some of this with my next project, and the adverb advice will help, but it is a monumental shift for me and it hasn't been easy. My white whale is crafty.

 

[AwkwardMD]

It's not just me then. Whenever I read @AwkwardMD's work, I think her intimate, emotional sequences shine with a rawness and spontaneity that's powerful, superb, gripping. I think you're saying the same thing.

Did you read this one? It's just under 12k words! That's so short!

 

[Omenainen]

It's not just me then. Whenever I read @AwkwardMD's work, I think her intimate, emotional sequences shine with a rawness and spontaneity that's powerful, superb, gripping. I think you're saying the same thing.

But the sections where she more consciously "constructs" her content - and we know from her analysis of her own writing how much she enjoys doing that - those elements lose their way for me. I can't help but think, don't edit so much!

But then, I think that of many writers who edit that rawness from their content.

AMD acknowledges this herself:

Give your prose its day in the sun .

If you ever read our collaborations, I’d be curious to know what you think of who wrote what. If you can spot it, I mean. We don’t split them by characters or scenes or anything so it’s not a case of guess which is which.

 

[ElectricBlue]

If you ever read our collaborations, I’d be curious to know what you think of who wrote what. If you can spot it, I mean. We don’t split them by characters or scenes or anything so it’s not a case of guess which is which.

Remind me of your collaboration call sign, and I'll do that.

When I read my collabs with Jason Clearwater now, I can't always spot the exact shifts. I know a broad scene was mine or his, but not always where we changed gears.

Having read AMD's explicit acknowledgement of "plot before prose" - I knew she was a plot hound from comments she wrote years ago on my first Floating World story - I'm now wondering how you two manage to write together, since you seem polar opposites in your approaches to writing. Spontaneous pantser and constructivist plotter?!

I'm absolutely "prose before plot". The feel of my prose, it's flow, that's far more important to me than any staging, plot movements, story arc or purpose. I think many of my stories read like a harvest of dreams.

 

[Omenainen]

Remind me of your collaboration call sign, and I'll do that.

Aren't you the lazy one. I do have the link in my signature.

When I read my collabs with Jason Clearwater now, I can't always spot the exact shifts. I know a broad scene was mine or his, but not always where we changed gears.

Having read AMD's explicit acknowledgement of "plot before prose" - I knew she was a plot hound from comments she wrote years ago on my first Floating World story - I'm now wondering how you two manage to write together, since you seem polar opposites in your approaches to writing. Spontaneous pantser and constructivist plotter?!

Read Epilogue, Grumpy Old Ladies or This is How We Change the World. The others are too short to see us in action. Grumpies we outlined, because it turns out I can outline with AMD, and Changes we pantsed, because it turns out AMD can pants with me. So what can I say, where there's a will there's a way maybe? Changes is a lot longer but it has some of the best sex. I'm a little amused we have sex scenes that are longer than many whole stories (over 10k words). Epilogue is the newest so it's probably even harder to spot the differences than before.

I'm absolutely "prose before plot". The feel of my prose, it's flow, that's far more important to me than any staging, plot movements, story arc or purpose. I think many of my stories read like a harvest of dreams.

I'm first and foremost a storyteller. Which is good, because if I was really focused on prose I think I'd despair a lot more over writing in English. Funnily enough that doesn't make me very plotty and doesn't make me prone to outlining. But more often than not, there's a story in my stories. I might not know what I have to say when I start writing, but I almost always end up saying something.

 

[ElectricBlue]

Aren't you the lazy one. I do have the link in my signature.

I've turned signatures off on my dash, because I got bored with all the crap covers and flashing lights people have. I've not seen anyone's Sig Block for about five years, including my own.

Read Epilogue, Grumpy Old Ladies or This is How We Change the World. The others are too short to see us in action. Grumpies we outlined, because it turns out I can outline with AMD, and Changes we pantsed, because it turns out AMD can pants with me. So what can I say, where there's a will there's a way maybe? Changes is a lot longer but it has some of the best sex. I'm a little amused we have sex scenes that are longer than many whole stories (over 10k words). Epilogue is the newest so it's probably even harder to spot the differences than before.

Okay, ta. Best sex, huh? I'll give that one a go.

I'm first and foremost a storyteller. Which is good, because if I was really focused on prose I think I'd despair a lot more over writing in English. Funnily enough that doesn't make me very plotty and doesn't make me prone to outlining. But more often than not, there's a story in my stories. I might not know what I have to say when I start writing, but I almost always end up saying something.

That sounds a little like me, the not plotting and not outlining bit, but I suspect your social leanings get revealed more than mine do. I'm too enamoured with the women in my stories to worry about their ideology. Although, my Amelia story, the woman with the wheelchair, combines a social conscience with an EB woman. Judging from the comment you left several years ago, I think that was the first story of mine that you read.

 

[gacor]

Hi, Yowser. I have very limited experience with writing (no writing career or related job), and English is not my first language either.

I have written three stories so far, with relative success (hovering around the 4* mark) considering they all are in Loving Wives.

My first story was the first thing I wrote almost since high school, and I never intended to submit anything else, so I did enough to get the story out of my head and move on. My second story was just a long joke, so while I put more effort into it, it was nothing remarkable.

My third story, which I’d appreciate feedback on, was the first one where I tried to develop the characters. It did decently well in terms of scoring, but it had between a third and a fifth of the views of the other two, and a tenth of the votes, so it had significantly less reach.

I am currently stuck on my fourth story, and I am trying to expand the length and provide more development of the characters, but most feedback just mentions the events in the story over more technical details, so I’m insecure about what works, what doesn’t and any potential pitfalls I may incur in.

The link to the story is below, not sure about the word count, but it fits in a single page.

https://literotica.com/s/i-kissed-a-girl-7

Thank you for your time.

 

[yowser]

Watching Her

@Bazzle

'Watching Her' is a long (excessively I would say, but I'll get to that) dive into tobacco yearning, which is obviously your special interest. It has an intriguing premise and a magic mirror, with a couple of what could-be-interesting characters.

I'll say right up front that the smoking thing isn't in my bag of interests, but that doesn't matter, since I am not your audience. I'll focus on the language, and how your storytelling might improve, give you some ideas for the future.

I do have to ask your motivations as an author however, since there tends to be a range here on Lit. Tobacco lust and its erotic components (fairly low-key in this story) surely are major; I wonder how you get your story ideas and what the writing does for you? Knowing that, I might be in better position to make suggestions, but I will start with basics.

While some of your strengths lie in the sensory descriptions you offer up, the repetition is extraordinary. I think you could have told this story in half the words, and each segment could be much tighter and more effective by leaving out a lot of repetitive detail.

Lucy wakes up. Lucy drives to work. She goes up and down stairs a lot, she is fascinated by this strange and alluring mirror. All kinds of questions emerge, but few are answered in a satisfying fashion. Okay, she's in sales, with her co-worker Tammy. They talk about drinking and going out, party time. For what end exactly? Neither seems very interested in a date, or meeting others, it's all very two-dimensional. What other interests do they have? Please tell us, the reader wants to know, wants to root for these poor souls stuck in drab lives.

A couple ideas: the Lucy-Parents relationship is an important part of this, and we learn a bit over time. I bet you could make this a more intriguing connection, throw in some stories about growing up, how Mum and Dad handled little Lucy (the love and care comes through, can we see more?)

Any hints you can throw out about your characters that isn't just plain simple back-story in narration would vastly enliven the tale. Get Mum and Dad doing more reminiscing, their spoken words can do a lot of heavy lifting in the history department.

There are some interesting aspects of addiction to explore here, you touch on some of them (the guilt, the strong impulse to indulge) and I don't know how much you want to make this part of your work, but they are there for the taking.

The eroticism elements are fairly muted, especially considering you have a mirror to work with, and two young appealing female bodies that get a little description while gazing into the magic mirror, doubling themselves and their assets, but could be handled in an extended alluring fashion. But most likely, the smoking element is all the eroticism you wish to relate, and that is built in to the story.

Most of all, however, there is some serious work needed on the sentence level. There are numerous run-on sentences, fragments and I'll give a few examples at the bottom. If you are serious about story telling, I'd suggest getting a good style guide (Chicago Manual of Style is authoritative, but any good one should be useful) and maybe reading ‘How to Write a Sentence: And How to Read One’ by Stanley Fish.

I don't know if you use an editor but if not, you would benefit from another pair of eyes on your story before publishing, there are a good number of typos and misspellings.

Examples:

Below the tabletop tens of small draws with weathered matching brass handles.

She coughed as the dust plumed out of the middle draw as she ran her hands through the other draw to find it empty, except for an 1980's Sunday Times Magazine pages which had been used to line the draw she pulled out the sheet to study it, on one side was a day in life of some unknown celebrity from the 80's full size advert for Silk Cut cigarettes, Lucy smiled at the dark mysterious purple swirls on the page pondering how silly they were to let people advertise cigarettes.

Wendy raised a recently died brown eyebrow

Even to Lucy the cloud was sexily almost teasingly as the drift became a flood as the Reflection exhaled from her actual lips.
Her practically China clay white skin with the exception of a dark brown mole just above the right breast, Lucy was proud of her slim figure.

Anyway, there you go. I urge a little more care in your productions, and wish you godspeed in your smoking journeys.

 

[Bazzle]

Thank you!
Yes sentence runs is my worst habit! I have spent ages going back through most of my work.
I had thought I'd corrected this one. Clearly not.
No I don't have an editor. I know I need it. I try my best but I make too many mistakes.

I really appreciate your time reading my waffle.

Thank you so much!
B

 

[Bazzle]

I do have to ask your motivations as an author however, since there tends to be a range here on Lit. Tobacco lust and its erotic components (fairly low-key in this story) surely are major; I wonder how you get your story ideas and what the writing does for you? Knowing that, I might be in better position to make suggestions, but I will start with basics.

So my explanations.

I started out my writing as solely Smoking Fetish. Its a strange one. Sex is not necessarily important in the fetish. The idea of a women lighting up and getting addicted is a theme in the fetish writing. Boring to others I know.

The idea for this story is A LOT of smoking fetish videos and content is done in front of a mirror...lots of girls doing make up, or just them standing in front of it and light up and looking pretty in either nothing or some sexy underwear.

For 99.99999% of the population its a very strange video.

Also for the smoking fetish community, the whole getting addicted thing and how it happens is key. Normally its a coming of age story. "The wrong side of the tracks/peer pressure/bad parenting".

For this story I thought that a grown women could be corrupted by her mirror.

Below the tabletop tens of small draws with weathered matching brass handles.

Yes...annoyed that I miss spelt Drawer...

She coughed as the dust plumed out of the middle draw as she ran her hands through the other draw to find it empty, except for an 1980's Sunday Times Magazine pages which had been used to line the draw she pulled out the sheet to study it, on one side was a day in life of some unknown celebrity from the 80's full size advert for Silk Cut cigarettes, Lucy smiled at the dark mysterious purple swirls on the page pondering how silly they were to let people advertise cigarettes.

I hate myself for my long sentences...I have worked hard to try and solve this. I will go through again, and again and edit this one. I will let you know when its done

Even to Lucy the cloud was sexily almost teasingly as the drift became a flood as the Reflection exhaled from her actual lips.
Her practically China clay white skin with the exception of a dark brown mole just above the right breast, Lucy was proud of her slim figure.

I had "tried" to give the ghostly a reflection a capitalisation all the way through. Almost a tool for the reader to determine who Lucy or Tammy was looking at. That was a deliberate typo.

Lucy wakes up. Lucy drives to work. She goes up and down stairs a lot, she is fascinated by this strange and alluring mirror. All kinds of questions emerge, but few are answered in a satisfying fashion. Okay, she's in sales, with her co-worker Tammy. They talk about drinking and going out, party time. For what end exactly? Neither seems very interested in a date, or meeting others, it's all very two-dimensional. What other interests do they have? Please tell us, the reader wants to know, wants to root for these poor souls stuck in drab lives.

Yes, its drab, yes its mundane. But again I was trying for a bit of realism. I also contemplated that Tammy and Lucy could become lovers, but I also thought, no. Let them just be friends. Let the tease and potential be there. But ultimately two women could live together as friends?

Again I was playing to SF community, Tammy going on a journey too. Rather than sex. Two sexy girls, a cigarette and a mirror.

Just to circle back to the lack of a relationship or sex or anything remotely scandalous. There is a relationship between the girls and the mirror, their reflection. Then I was also playing on that deeper level. Are the girls addicted to the cigarettes or looking at themselves or both. Does vanity play a part?

It went on too long, and too repetitive. But then the act of smoking is. Its difficult thing of character development without repeating oneself. I tried to modify each time she gets in the car and drives home/work. The are subtle differences as her addiction takes hold. It might not have been exciting differences.

I also tried to play with visual hints of cigarettes all around her, in the colours of things, but again that did not work.

I really do appreciate your time reading my story!

Thank you

 

[yowser]

Vampires Don't Wait Tables

@joy_of_cooking

This is certainly the cutest Vampire story I have ever read, almost forces me to overhaul my view of the Vampire lifestyle. (Excellent title, amongst other things.)

Two major themes emerge here (a third perhaps the emigrant experience), all handled competently and with a light, deft touch.

The Vampire bit is muted at first, and I appreciate how you let the clues accumulate in short little bits, trusting the reader to put all the pieces together.

The second theme - young inexperienced male up against an older, wiser, more worldly woman - is handled exceedingly well. You paint a three-dimensional picture through conversations, fumblings, awkward actions. Almost overdone, you pull back just enough to keep Jemmy from being an absolute twit.

The erotic element is softly drawn but always lurking in the background. You get a lot of the 'first time - first love' part outlined clearly and appealingly.

I have only a couple minor complaints in the whole story, which you constructed carefully and competently.

Hard to imagine an immigrant family, even living in close quarters, being okay with a new girlfriend retreating to our hero's bedroom so easily. Hong is great and sweet and helpful, but the couple’s permitted intimacy is still a tough swallow. Second is the intrusiveness of the aunt's insistence on getting Jemmy's 'apology' right, to the point of supervising a text message. You had this reader's eyebrows raised and clucking noises emerging from his mouth.

But the story flows along nicely, shifting from scene to scene with grace and efficiency. There is almost no element of the story that doesn't succeed in pushing the tale along, and that’s never a writerly quality to take for granted.

Hong’s character is lovely, you fill her qualities out marvelously:

She laughs again. "Okay, little tip? You don't have to be super confident. A little nervousness can be cute. But it's best not to question it when the girl says yes."

The sex is fine, only a couple over-the-top bits (could have done without the 'earth-shattering' business.)

Humor is welcome and lightly included:

"No, I don't. I only take a pint or so. Most of us are on a catch-and-release model, by now. It attracts less attention."

"Not yet. Thanksgiving." It's the best day to get married, the one day nobody orders takeout.

In all, a satisfying read, the characters treated thoroughly and appealingly, and your confidence as a writer is well appreciated: a reader likes a sure hand at the tiller. I think you could have shortened the story by 10 or 20 percent, but I have that thought about most of everything that appears here on Lit, my own work included. Each scene pared down slightly, perhaps not quite so much repetition to highlight Jemmy's awkwardness and Hong's Vampire peculiarities. Well done.

 

[joy_of_cooking]

Hard to imagine an immigrant family, even living in close quarters, being okay with a new girlfriend retreating to our hero's bedroom so easily. Hong is great and sweet and helpful, but the couple’s permitted intimacy is still a tough swallow.

Oh, interesting. Yeah, that's a good point and I should have thought of that.

Second is the intrusiveness of the aunt's insistence on getting Jemmy's 'apology' right, to the point of supervising a text message. You had this reader's eyebrows raised and clucking noises emerging from his mouth.

Sorry, which part of that did you disapprove of? As a matter of plausibility, the aunt's interference? The MC's acquiescence? Or do you mean it was clumsy of me as an author not to find a better way to deliver the "do what you need to get what you want" lesson?

think you could have shortened the story by 10 or 20 percent,...Each scene pared down slightly, perhaps not quite so much repetition to highlight Jemmy's awkwardness and Hong's Vampire peculiarities.

Yeah, you're right. I'm always surprised by how much I can cut if I go over a draft with the goal of cutting. I think my high was 4.5k from (at the time) 16k. It's a good reminder to do that pass next time.

Thanks for the careful read, yowser! I appreciate the review.

 

[yowser]

Sorry, which part of that did you disapprove of? As a matter of plausibility, the aunt's interference? The MC's acquiescence? Or do you mean it was clumsy of me as an author not to find a better way to deliver the "do what you need to get what you want" lesson?

Reading it again, it doesn't bother me so much (and it is a minor issue anyway.) I had no objection to the aunt's motivation, only the 'showing the phone' bit, which on re-reading was Jemmy's idea, not her snatching his phone to 'get it right' which was the impression I was left with.

Really, you did a fine story, thanks for a chance to read it.

 

[yowser]

I Kissed a Girl
@gacor

First of all, congratulations on publishing here, which I hope proves a worthy place for your future works. I am always impressed with early submissions, knowing how much effort you as an author puts into the writing, and having the confidence to put a new story out there for a read, and in this case, a review. Well done.

Secondly, I am even more impressed when English is not a writer’s mother-tongue and yet that's the language being used. It is so easy to get things wrong in a different language, and easy also to feel like you are missing nuance, clarity, and run the risk of confusing your audience. I think you have done well.

This is a simple story with complex overtones. I like how you begin in bed, straight away, with sex as the bullseye right from the start. You identify the three major characters quickly and clearly, always a good idea at the beginning of a story.

A few things to consider on your next effort.

I would have liked a clearer picture of your characters. Not, as in full explicit descriptions, but some details I could hang my imagination on. I understand Sandy's mental state, her qualms, indecision, second-guessing, but what sort of woman is she? I don't have a clear picture in my head. (This can often be a trouble with a first person narrator, who likely isn't necessarily going to provide the reader with a self-description, and in this case I am not sure you need much, just something. Maybe some indication of size by the way that Terry snuggled up to her? the narrator's comparison of their hair, skin tones? Give us something.)

I would also have liked a notion of where all this action is taking place. It wouldn't matter so much ordinarily (although I have a strong preference for specificity) except that you mention France as a destination, thus setting is important for that reason. Is France the next country over? Across the ocean? It’s a detail that matters to the story.

Normally I am in the habit of recommending cutting down the tale, making it smaller and tighter, but in this case I think you could have told a better story by including some more details.

More about Luke, for example. Not necessarily a description (although a detail or two on looks, typical facial expression or attitude would have been helpful) but something to give me a better sense of him as a person. Normally kind? Patient? You give us his reactions and words, but we don't know enough about him to know how different these are from his normal behavior.

You capture Sandy's ambivalence well, but teasing out even more of her feelings and thoughts would make for a little more tension in the story, and an engaging tale should have a good measure of tension. The reader wants to know what happens next. You can tell this straight up, but it's more fun (and a more interesting read) if you can draw things out a bit. How will the characters react? What is their dynamic and what might change as they talk and thrash out their issues?

You have some grammar things to work on. Comma usage is a bit inconsistent, too many at some points, not enough at others, or they are poorly placed. These are minor issues, and don't interrupt the narrative, but it is always good to shoot for the best you can do. Two examples:

We had a couple more drinks there, and sex followed. (comma unnecessary in such a short sentence.)

"Please, let me explain Luke" I begged him. (general rule is to have one when addressing a character in dialogue: ‘Hey Luke, did you hear me?’ ‘Luke, I’m talking to you!’

There are a couple (not a lot) of sentences that are awkward, here’s one:

As I felt her the rhythm of her breathing behind me, I started to sober up and mull things over.

On the other hand you have a couple gems, (and use humor well.)

"Honey, sex with you is nice and all, but it is making me wonder if I am into girls" is something no guy wants to hear.

Dialog also could improve, something hard to get right. Your characters speak a bit too much in full sentences when fragments, or shorter bursts might carry the scene a bit better.

I don't have any super-particular solutions to this, except to note that it is often really handy as a writer to be observant when you are out in the world while others are speaking. Can you catch the rhythm of their words? The back and forth, like a tennis match? How those words reveal the characters' mindset and emotional traits? Before publishing a story it’s often a good idea to read everything out loud to yourself, you can catch a lot of mistakes or off-key words that way, particularly in dialogue.

Only other minor issue to mention is that perhaps breaking up some of your larger paragraphs, particularly when there is dialog included, into smaller segments, would make for smoother reading.

Thus, instead of this:

"And become your jailer? I am sorry, but that is not how I want to live." He sighed. "Sandy, in these two months you might have realised I am the ideal husband for you, but I have also realised you are not the ideal wife for me." That got my attention. He could not be implying... "Remember when you became obsessed about French culture and went to Paris on vacation? You knew I could not take a week off from work at that time, and you knew I wanted to go with you, but you were not willing to wait a year to go together. And what happened next year? You had already gone to France and did not want to spend so much again, so we just did a road trip, and I never went to see France."

How about:

"And become your jailer? I am sorry, but that is not how I want to live."

He sighed. "Sandy, in these two months you might have realised I am the ideal husband for you, but I have also realised you are not the ideal wife for me."

That got my attention. He could not be implying... "Remember when you became obsessed about French culture and went to Paris on vacation? You knew I could not take a week off from work at that time, and you knew I wanted to go with you, but you were not willing to wait a year to go together. And what happened next year? You had already gone to France and did not want to spend so much again, so we just did a road trip, and I never went to see France."

Finally, you might give a little more thought to titles and descriptions, I'll wager you could have arrived at more intriguing ones than the ones you picked. See this thread for further discussion.

You seem to have gotten good attention with the start of your writing here, lots of comments from obviously involved readers, and pleasing the Loving Wives crew is never easy.

Best of luck as you continue.