March Review Open Season

[intim8]

I'll take on requested reviews for one of your stories, new or early career writers especially encouraged.

Thank you so much for doing this.

My Christmas contest story was my one attempt at really raunchy, and comically over the top. Did it work?

Santa's Little Helpers (12.2k words)
Naughty girls get more than they bargained for.

It's NC/R, but not very seriously so. Thanks in advance if you take it on, and if you don't, I understand.

 

[gacor]

I Kissed a Girl
@gacor

First of all, congratulations on publishing here, which I hope proves a worthy place for your future works. I am always impressed with early submissions, knowing how much effort you as an author puts into the writing, and having the confidence to put a new story out there for a read, and in this case, a review. Well done.

Thank you for your kind words, you have given me some things to consider. To address certain points.

Regarding specificity, remaining vague was a conscious choice on my end. It may not be the nicest thing to admit, but I have lost a bit of interest in a story when the character's physical descriptions did not match my preferences. By remaining vague about the characters, my idea is to allow everyone to imagine the characters as they prefer. What I had not considered until your review is the possibility of mixing both options. It is possible to remain vague about race, hair colour or body build while providing descriptions such as expressions, general demeanour or some other details (does she have a tattoo? is he clean shaven?) that make the characters more memorable.

The specificity about the location comes from a different source, but I can see where did I go wrong here very clearly. I do not live in the US, the UK or Australia/NZ, which are the main three locations for Literotica stories. I have been on vacation a few times and even briefly lived in the US as a student, but I have not been there enough to really know any place in particular as anything other than a tourist. My attempt to remain vague comes from a desire of locate the story in the US, but due to my lacking knowledge of life there, I did not want to pick a specific spot. You are completely correct that by mentioning a location (France), I should make it clearer where the story is happening. It kinda loops back to my earlier paragraph, I can be vague about the specifics, but give more details that what I'm currently doing.

The comma thing is a real issue I have, guilty as charged. I think I include way more commas than needed, and a big chunk of my revisions include restructuring sentences to make them flow better. When I first write a paragraph I tend to make sentences overly long, and break them in parts with several commas. Upon revision, many of those sentences will strike me as too long, so I try to rework them into two or three different sentences (and that might need reworking the entire paragraph sometimes). This can also lead the opposite issue, too many short sentences. I try to find a middle ground approach, but that is when my excessive comma usage shows its fangs, haha.

The advice about dialogue is very sound. This was my first attempt to really carry out a dialogue, and while I try to make my characters speak as people do, it is true that conversations are not exchanges of monologues. I'll keep that in mind for future stories.

Regarding the breaking down of certain dialogue sections into paragraphs, I tend to follow a self rule, which is not to change the paragraph in which there is dialogue until another character speaks, with the goal of not confusing the audience about who is speaking. But then again, you are correct that it flows much better by breaking it down. I will look into how can I improve on this. It will require more rewrites, but I'm sure I can come up with ways to make clear who is speaking at each time without resorting to "s/he said" or equivalents at the start or end of each sentences. The story I currently have in pending is guilty of this (and a couple other points above) a number of times, and I'm almost tempted to recall it to edit it further, but I think I will just let it go until the next one.

Thanks a lot for the link to the title thread, it is interesting food for thought, and shows I have not been using a very potent tool to market my stories better.

Overall, I want to thank you for the time you spent reviewing my work, and the advice you have given me will serve me well to improve in the future, so I really appreciate that.

 

[Bazzle]

I don't know if you use an editor but if not, you would benefit from another pair of eyes on your story before publishing, there are a good number of typos and misspellings.

Not that it really matters, but I have gone through an edited it and posted a revised version. There should be fewer typos...or knowing my luck more...

B

 

[yowser]

Santa's Little Helpers
@intim8

Well, you said this was ‘over the top’ (check) and ‘raunchy’ (double-check) so I think you succeeded in your effort. I give you full marks for a twisted imagination as well.

Not much subtlety here, in humor or other aspects, and that's fine, you're playing with old worked-to-death themes around Christmas and Santa, and still give an entertaining perverse twist to it all.

Structurally, there is really only one main issue, and that is the first transition from the initial Sarah-Kaylee prank (which I think worked marvelous well) to the Christmas scene. Even just a little situating (a paragraph, maybe just a sentence) to suggest that what is about to happen is another prank from the all-too-adventurous Sarah. All we get is this line: "Sarah's target this time was Santa," The previous scene was when? How long ago? Close to Christmas? (they were outdoors so not in a temperate region of the world apparently.) Or is the Christmas scene months later? The reader has no clue how we got to the second part from the first.

(A side note, probably my own preferences showing, but I think giving a story a proper setting is almost always a good idea. I like to know where my characters are living, something about their location, even just a tidbit. I think this story, with its Christmas theme, would benefit from just such an inclusion.)

Second, more minor note, is that the first scene is much more tightly and clearly delineated than what follows. Almost like your brain got ahead of your typing fingers after that, the prose is looser, sentences sometimes unclear, especially as the action shifts to the 'Elves village' labyrinth of confusion. You reel it all in at the end (which I have no trouble with and think worked well) but it's soggy and disjointed prose in the middle, where another editing pass (or two) would have made a big difference in the telling.

The sex is comic-book stuff, which was probably your intent, and so not gripping or realistic in the slightest. The narration reads like a Grade-B sports announcer (everyone's positioning, the detailed descriptions of various sliding and pleasuring body parts) and there are some sentences that are cringe-worthy, even for a silly story like this.

'Gil began to churn her butter.'

'...remnants of his baby batter'

Oh come on, you can do better than that.

Fair number of typos and mistakes, your comma usage is inconsistent:

Kaylee gulped, and unbuttoned her blouse. (Don't need a comma there.)

"Ho ho motherfucking ho" Santa bellowed. (get some commas in there between vocalisations please.)

"Bring them to me." it bellowed. (You have a habit of using a period/full-stop instead of a comma during these dialogue sections.)

So, overall a fine, light-hearted piece. I haven't read anything else of yours, but I suspect your story-telling skills and mechanics in general are way above average and broadly sound. In a different story I would want the characters to be a bit more three-dimensional (the main ones anyway) and that would certainly enhance the erotic elements, but I think you've reached your goals on this one.

 

[intim8]

Structurally, there is really only one main issue, and that is the first transition from the initial Sarah-Kaylee prank

First, thank you a lot for doing this.

This complaint is definitely spot on. I saw it myself on rereading it, and it would be a fairly easy fix. But, and with the others, I take the attitide that it is what it is, and if I went down the rabbit hole of patching up published stuff, it would never end. But these points are all things I will definitely learn from and work on going forward.

Soggy writing in the middle. I hadn't picked up on that. I will review it with that in mind. You might be right about my brain getting ahead of my fingers and not picking it up in editing.

Cringeworthy lines: I was trying to deliberately use silly euphemisms. Some hits, some misses.

Bad grammar, punctuation, etc: Oh, definitely, this was an earlier story, before I started running everything through grammarly. Amazing how if it is your own story, you can read it over and over and just not see those. I didn't realize it was quite that bad.

In a different story I would want the characters to be a bit more three-dimensional

They definitely are, even in my one other campy story. At least, I hope they are. Feel free to go pick a random one and review it . But, no, you've gone above and beyond with this, thank you very much.

 

[RBeemer]

Is it still March?

I appreciate your reviews and would love to get your take on one of my stories.

https://literotica.com/s/sight-is-overrated

Thanks!