Meet Mable

[butters]

..
It's Mabelous, dahling, simply Mabelous.

*sniggles*

 

[LaRascasse]

I'll have another crack at it

Meet Mable
Trapped in her body
Ahead of her time and
Unashamed to act like it
Free spirit
Unfettered, unshackled,
Unbound by what they say
Soaring high above it all
Looking down on us
Pitying our mortal ways
Our tainted understanding and
Our primitive ideals
The way we hold ourselves back
Afraid to challenge them
Afraid to dream beyond

Meet Mable
She burns at the stake tomorrow

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Meet Mable
Trapped in her body
Ahead of her time and
Unashamed to act like it
Free spirit
Unfettered, unshackled,
Unbound by what they say
Soaring high above it all
Looking down on us
Pitying our mortal ways
Our tainted understanding and
Our primitive ideals
The way we hold ourselves back
Afraid to challenge them
Afraid to dream beyond

Meet Mable
She burns at the stake tomorrow

I am so liking your poems!

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Meet Mable;
Stella and Mable love, hold hands,
laughing at the silliness of life,
their sunshine lights a room
and teaches me to cook
some special magic.
I know Mable cries
in Stella's arms some nights,
hurt by a world with it's taunts,
their love no less beautiful
than those who claim
a higher understanding,
but never see as I do
two women heart to heart.

 

[butters]

meet mabel

café rose
a green silk dress
white linen sheets
freesia sprigs in a slender crystal vase
a single lace-hemmed stocking
half-drawn blinds
cheval mirror
tilted towards the window

on the carved walnut cabinet
a cell phone discreetly trembles

 

[Tzara]

Mable John

Meet Mable—
God, she sings
in a way
that makes

me want to sleep with her,
if only I could hear
her voice

cry like she cries
in that song.

I’d draw my fingers along
her 45, as if
she were a genie who emerged
to tousle my hair

and sing me
into a rapturous sleep
in her languid 4/4 beat.

She’d sing me right into death
in waltz time: One, two,
three,

one, two,

 

[HarryHill]

meet mabel

café rose
a green silk dress
white linen sheets
freesia sprigs in a slender crystal vase
a single lace-hemmed stocking
half-drawn blinds
cheval mirror
tilted towards the window

on the carved walnut cabinet
a cell phone discreetly trembles

..
great punchline, will there be dancing here as well, after the trembling that is.
..
'café rose ... sonics are running amuck in this. I'm just gonna sit here and read awhile.

 

[HarryHill]

Mable John

Meet Mable—
God, she sings
in a way
that makes

me want to sleep with her,
if only I could hear
her voice

cry like she cries
in that song.

I’d draw my fingers along
her 45, as if
she were a genie who emerged
to tousle my hair

and sing me
into a rapturous sleep
in her languid 4/4 beat.

She’d sing me right into death
in waltz time: One, two,
three,

one, two,

..
Dude. you did it. I'm cured that songs gone, good work, great poem. I can almost hear a poet singer and the flat top.

 

[butters]

..
great punchline, will there be dancing here as well, after the trembling that is.
..
'café rose ... sonics are running amuck in this. I'm just gonna sit here and read awhile.

thanks for reading, mr H

about the dancing, who knows? depends entirely upon who the reader is and how they interpret Mabel. this is a 'and what kind of person lives in this house?' write because i wanted each reader to imagine that for themselves. i suppose i could have put in all manner of items that would state musical taste, what she might like to read, remains of a meal, contents of a drawer and stuff . . . but i wanted a glimpse, a provocative glimpse (i decided as i wrote ) and leave it up to imagination.

the perfume, café rose, gave me an issue as i kept wanting to pronounce it café rosé - but i also liked the layering it could add by suggesting she was (possibly) the kind of beautiful woman (if she's a woman) to be seen sitting outside some chic café on a sunny morning.... Anyway, the perfume itself is quite complex in its makeup, and i liked that as it suggests she might be the kind of woman who is a complex blend:

Top notes are saffron, black pepper and may rose; middle notes are turkish rose, bulgarian rose and coffee; base notes are incense, amber, sandalwood and patchouli.

i quite like the 'discreetly trembles' bit, too, if i'm honest i first had "hello...?" on the end, but removed that as i wanted to leave it more open-ended - the reader becoming the one in the room, and so whereas one might pick it up and speak, another might not - is it Mabel on the other end of the phone, maybe calling her lover, or has she forgotten the phone . . . in fact, where is she in all this, apart from right there in the room despite not being there, if that makes sense? i knew what i meant but i've confused things writing it down here

 

[butters]

Mable John

Meet Mable—
God, she sings
in a way
that makes

me want to sleep with her,
if only I could hear
her voice

cry like she cries
in that song.

I’d draw my fingers along
her 45, as if
she were a genie who emerged
to tousle my hair

and sing me
into a rapturous sleep
in her languid 4/4 beat.

She’d sing me right into death
in waltz time: One, two,
three,

one, two,

oh my, that is just wonderful! and that's without me hearing or knowing the music - the words draw me through the piece but disappear, replaced by imagery. that's how i like to read a write. lovely.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

All these Mable (Mabels) but I'm seeing them all roll into one, a complex woman who knows her own mind, yet is still vulnerable because she sticks to what she believes in.

 

[butters]

All these Mable (Mabels) but I'm seeing them all roll into one, a complex woman who knows her own mind, yet is still vulnerable because she sticks to what she believes in.

perhaps Mabel is the new Eve - synonymous of all womanhood

 

[UnderYourSpell]

perhaps Mabel is the new Eve - synonymous of all womanhood

Have you noticed how everyone is praising her? I think it's about time she became it bit more 'human' or maybe a bit evil!

 

[butters]

Have you noticed how everyone is praising her? I think it's about time she became it bit more 'human' or maybe a bit evil!

nods to the space waiting to be filled: after you

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Meet Mable;
the Mother in law from hell, mine,
taught her son nothing,
except all men
should be catered to
whatever the circumstances.
The world sees a paragon of virtue
goes to Mass each Sunday,
dotes on her boys.
Such a pity, both now divorced,
couldn't find a wonderful woman
just like her.

 

[butters]

ouchies

 

[butters]

mabel likes to toy with her food
torment and tease
lick
and bite
they quiver
never quite sure if suitor or prey
elevensies
or midnight snack
till, bored,
she bites their heads off

 

[UnderYourSpell]

ouchies

Ex Mother in Law I'm glad to say! Although she has long shuffled off this mortal coil and he's had to learn to look after himself!

 

[UnderYourSpell]

mabel likes to toy with her food
torment and tease
lick
and bite
they quiver
never quite sure if suitor or prey
elevensies
or midnight snack
till, bored,
she bites their heads off

Oooooooh has to be my phobia Spiders!
Won't let on that jelly babies did spring to mind at first, but then I'm odd

 

[todski28]

Meet Mable
Hardened crone, gummy maw she smiled down
before delivering a vicious thump with her stout oak stick
more for beating the young than for support,
the wood as warped as she, would whistle at you before
the pain, she would caress it like a lover
her laugh a clichéd cackle at tears she wrought forth
her smile haunts me, a black hole cracked open
the mouth of a wrinkled catfish, whiskers and all
I wanted to cheer when she died, but how do you cheer,
when you lose your innocence?

Meet Mable, she beat me and stole away my childhood
when I had to drag her unbreathing from the toilet

 

[butters]

Meet Mable
Hardened crone, no teeth, her gummy maw she smiled down,
just before delivering a viscous thump with her stout oak stick
more for beating the young than for support,
her laugh a cliched cackle at tears she wrought fourth
her stick as warped as she, would whistle at you before
the pain, she would caress it like a lover
her smile haunts me still, like a black hole cracked open
in the mouth of a wrinkled catfish, whiskers and all
I wanted to cheer when she died, but it was also the loss of innocence,
the first time I realised we were all just a moment away from not being

Meet Mable, she beat me and stole away my childhood
when I had to drag her unbreathing from the toilet.

hey, tods

okay, you've some strong imagery in here, and the final lines are the kicker - but right now, for me, this feels too raw. i'd suggest you take it and go over each line, seeing where you can tighten it up so that each word works as hard as the next.

the mouth, the catfish image, the stick and her stroking it like a lover (like that, unusual!) and the image of the toilet scenario - these are all vivid but need framing to bring out their full potential. typos/misspells distract:

viscous (did you intend that? it could work, bringing a wet, meaty sound into play) or vicious?

do you need 'no teeth'? 'gummy maw' shows us a good enough image without you needing to spell it out

and here, for example:

her smile haunts me still, like a black hole cracked open
in the mouth of a wrinkled catfish, whiskers and all

might work better something like:

her smile haunts, a black hole cracked open
in the mouth of a wrinkled catfish, whiskers and all

basically, you have all the meat right there - it just (imo) needs trimming to bring them into better focus.




p.s the scenario of those last lines feels real

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Agreed and should fourth be forth?

 

[todski28]

Thanks for the feedback I promise no more 3am throw always, if I can't spend at least 15minutes extra tweaking, editing and a little polish, I'll store it on the phone and check it over before posting.

The whole little twisted tale is true, except of course the name. It was my great grandmother. I think I was about 7 when it happened

 

[butters]

Thanks for the feedback I promise no more 3am throw always, if I can't spend at least 15minutes extra tweaking, editing and a little polish, I'll store it on the phone and check it over before posting.

The whole little twisted tale is true, except of course the name. It was my great grandmother. I think I was about 7 when it happened

get the ideas down as they burn - edit after. *nods* trying to do it on the phone must be really tricky

hard stuff for a kid to take in. still, you now have the experiences - for good or bad - to draw on for your writing. poets - they'll use anything they can to get a write.

 

[todski28]

get the ideas down as they burn - edit after. *nods* trying to do it on the phone must be really tricky

hard stuff for a kid to take in. still, you now have the experiences - for good or bad - to draw on for your writing. poets - they'll use anything they can to get a write.

Try doing while working a hundred hours a week as well, see how you go