My Fears about "Submissiveness" and How it *Satisfies* Me..

[~Dream~]

I tthink a possible answer ..

may be Fear,Red..Fear that if a person is honest that the other parties involved may hurt them,alot of people need the sense that the person whom they are being honest with,really DOES care about their needs,being honest with someone ,while it is my motto,is a great thing indeed,however we also lay ourselves "Vulnerable when we honestly make our needs known..

 

[MsWorthy]

Hmmm... I bet assessing your goals and stating just that would also work better in friendships, at work and just in general every day life. Why is it so hard to stop playing mindgames and just be honest about what we need...?

Excellent point, Red!

Indeed it does work in all relationships, except where others have a vested interest in keeping up the *game,* in which case, it will not get you very far. Sometimes, in business we must play by their rules in order to get ahead.

It all depends on what your goal is, getting ahead or staying real and true to yourself.

 

[MsWorthy]

Oh I agree completely, MsW. I feel that if you really want to achieve a goal you can. It comes down to how important it is in your life. Will the be lapses and setbacks? Of course. But that is the learning process. That is life. If we never made mistakes, life would be boring. And in the end, after you have put in all that hard work and achieved your goal, you will feel so much better having earned it. And in a way, with BDSM, the goal is always there, just out of reach. You can always do better.

PBW

Isn't it (life/bdsm) great that way, PB? Once we reach a goal, there is always another to aim for. ~smiles~

 

[Red Menace]

MsWorthy, I don't mind you responding at all. Quite the opposite, actually... I appreciate your insight. While there are a lot of things I'd like to give up control of, there are just as many other things I wonder if I'd begin to resent not having control over. I'm not really sure I'm a "true submissive" in that sense. I think I have some submissive tendencies, but I also have a very wide willful streak. And finding that person to really trust to have my best interest at heart is a chore all in it's own. I wonder if I could give up control of that to someone else.

I've read a couple of the Mars/Venus books. They were very helpful. I found myself in a relationship where we were constantly arguing about trivial things so I started using some of those techniques. Dream, you are so right about the fear factor. At first I was very afraid about making myself that vulnerable, but after some careful consideration and soul-searching, I decided I was comfortable with who I was and if someone didn't accept me for that, it didn't have to affect my opinion of myself.

So in this relationship, I started telling him what I was feeling when we had these arguments, and what I wanted from him (a hug or a little validation of my worth to him), and effect was amazing. We stopped fighting and eventually he sort of learned to express himself in a similar manner.

 

[MsWorthy]

MsWorthy, I don't mind you responding at all. Quite the opposite, actually... I appreciate your insight. While there are a lot of things I'd like to give up control of, there are just as many other things I wonder if I'd begin to resent not having control over. I'm not really sure I'm a "true submissive" in that sense. I think I have some submissive tendencies, but I also have a very wide willful streak. And finding that person to really trust to have my best interest at heart is a chore all in it's own. I wonder if I could give up control of that to someone else.

This is good insight into who you are and what you need/want, Red. Having this knowledge of yourself will work for you. Now all you need do is find someone whose needs complement yours. Don't ever give up power that you are not comfortable giving up. There is a dom that can be happy with what you have to offer and only wants/needs the control in areas in which you need that control (or is willing to compromise).

It really needn't be *either/or*. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. There are many dom/mes who do not want control over every aspect of your life (actually I would say they are easier to find than the ones who need a TPE).

Once you find someone, give up a little control at a time. Go at your own pace, and each of you will discover where that line is. Just be up front about what you need/want from the beginning.

I've read a couple of the Mars/Venus books. They were very helpful. I found myself in a relationship where we were constantly arguing about trivial things so I started using some of those techniques. Dream, you are so right about the fear factor. At first I was very afraid about making myself that vulnerable, but after some careful consideration and soul-searching, I decided I was comfortable with who I was and if someone didn't accept me for that, it didn't have to affect my opinion of myself.

I would like to add that even if you do end up hurt, the vulnerability you showed in trying to better the relationship is a plus for you. It demonstrated your honesty, your ability to try, to trust, to take a chance. It makes you a better partner for the next person (if you don't allow yourself to be bitter). No one can ever take away the good you did, the efforts you made. If a potential partner told me that she made this effort and opened herself in this way, I would feel proud to be with someone who was willing to try this hard to make a relationship work. I would know that I had found a special person.

So in this relationship, I started telling him what I was feeling when we had these arguments, and what I wanted from him (a hug or a little validation of my worth to him), and effect was amazing. We stopped fighting and eventually he sort of learned to express himself in a similar manner.

It is wonderful when it comes together. ~smiles~

 

[artful]

MsWorthy

It is wonderful when it comes together. ~smiles~

MsW,...just want you to know,...you have been copied and pasted again. More than that, Dream and I had been struggling in our communication, and you have opened not only HER eyes,...but mine also on many ways we express ourself to each other online.

In face to face, we had little to NO problems in communicating, our phone conversations went very smooth also,...BUT,...in text messaging,...we have flopped, and it has been painful for EACH of us. Your information was GREATLY appreciated.

 

[MsWorthy]

Re: MsWorthy

MsW,...just want you to know,...you have been copied and pasted again. More than that, Dream and I had been struggling in our communication, and you have opened not only HER eyes,...but mine also on many ways we express ourself to each other online.

In face to face, we had little to NO problems in communicating, our phone conversations went very smooth also,...BUT,...in text messaging,...we have flopped, and it has been painful for EACH of us. Your information was GREATLY appreciated.

Thank you, Art.

I am really glad that I could help.

 

[MissTaken]

In my previous experiences, I always found myself full of self doubt and doubt in my partner after we had met in real time.

For some reason, the need is greater, the text and the phone calls don't achieve an iota of the connection that they once did. Serving became difficult as I was so lost and self absorbed in our distance that I couldn't focus on tasks. I know that may not make sense to anyone, but once I had served in real life, trying to do so long distance didn't carry as much meaning for me.

Then, communicating that seemed impossible to me. How could I tell a Dom that without it sounding trite or hurtful? Perhaps I was trite and self absorbed, but it was where my head took me.

This is just me, putting my history out there to share for you and perhaps showing you my weak underbelly.

I am quite hopeful that this will all be manageable when painman returns home. We have had a wonderful week together and already I am afraid. Afraid that I won't be able to live to his expectations or my own. Hopefully though, we live about four hours away from one another and can be together often.

I feel for you Dream and anyone else who goes through periods of self coubt or doubt in their relationship. Sometimes, love doesn't seem to be all that is necessary. But it is a powerful weapon against the threat of loss of your soulmate.

 

[Red Menace]

Thank you for your words, MsWorthy. I'm encouraged you think it's possible to find a balance of giving and retaining control and I'm truly flattered at your validation of my approach to sharing my feelings.

Yes, it is very wonderful when it comes together. Unfortunately, it didn't stop it from falling apart, but it was still a great experience at the time and taught me communication skills for future relationships.

MissTaken, I think your feelings of the serving having less meaning when done from a distance are very valid. I wish you the best of life of love in your relationship with painman. Do you keep a journal? Recording your feelings while you're with him and then going back to re-read and refresh your memory during the lonely times can help while he's away.

 

[~Dream~]

Miss T..

In my previous experiences, I always found myself full of self doubt and doubt in my partner after we had met in real time.

For some reason, the need is greater, the text and the phone calls don't achieve an iota of the connection that they once did. Serving became difficult as I was so lost and self absorbed in our distance that I couldn't focus on tasks. I know that may not make sense to anyone, but once I had served in real life, trying to do so long distance didn't carry as much meaning for me.

Then, communicating that seemed impossible to me. How could I tell a Dom that without it sounding trite or hurtful? Perhaps I was trite and self absorbed, but it was where my head took me.

__________________________________
Thank you soo much for sharing that Miss T cause I was`feeling exactly the same way amd had no way to define it untill your words came along..

 

[MissTaken]

I had wondered if it may have been some of what you were going through.

I am glad to have helped.