My first Haiku?

[Rybka]

ladybug
flame colored flight
spotted

I prefer the second and third lines reversed,

Regards,                       Rybka

 

[_Land]

Interesting, but i wonder? Why?


ladybug
spotted
flame colored flight

I prefer the second and third lines reversed,

Regards,                       Rybka

 

[Zhuk]

Ladybug

_Neal,

By having 'ladybug' in the first line you are not allowing readers to wonder. Perhaps using 'spotted' in the first line and 'ladybug' in the last will be better. (Remember who I have for my Guru!)

Regards,

Interesting, but i wonder? Why?


ladybug
spotted
flame colored flight

 

[_Land]

Zhuk, I am well aware of SJ's prowess for Haiku' however..... I have my own poetic voice, and dont always agree with him.....I am sure he will comment when he has time, he knows I am interested in becoming better.........sometimes I try to put a small amount of humor in to mine..... to take out ladybug would ruin that....... Also, it would also not depict the season.


but alas theses are delicate details...... SJ when you have time


_N

 

[Zhuk]

Ladybug

_Neal,

I didnt say take out Ladybug, I suggested putting it in the last line.

Regards,

Zhuk, I am well aware of SJ's prowess for Haiku' however..... I have my own poetic voice, and dont always agree with him.....I am sure he will comment when he has time, he knows I am interested in becoming better.........sometimes I try to put a small amount of humor in to mine..... to take out ladybug would ruin that....... Also, it would also not depict the season.


but alas theses are delicate details...... SJ when you have time


_N

 

[Rybka]

Interesting, but i wonder? Why?

ladybug
spotted
flame colored flight

It allows for a stronger feeling of another possible interpretation. Consider an unwritten "in" in line two.

Regards,                       Rybka

 

[Zhuk]

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[Sweetwood]

Too many words

Too many words spun
in rapid fire sequence
make my head hurt hard

 

[Zhuk]

Haiku # 69

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[Rybka]

Re: Too many words

Yes, agreed.
How about:

Too many words
in rapid sequence
my head hurts

Too many words spun
in rapid fire sequence
make my head hurt hard

Regards,                       Rybka

 

[MyOpinion]

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[MyOpinion]

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