My GF likes to see other guys use and control me ?

[twister947]

^^^Word. Read and heed.

 

[satindesire]

^^^Word. Read and heed.

Brohoof! /)*(\

 

[mike300800]

I honestly don't think that arranging a safeword in order to protect yourself from permanent emotional or physical harm would damage the intensity of your sexual encounters at all.

If you break your toy, you can't play with it.

People CAN and DO break when they don't protect themselves.

Be smart about this and talk about it. Stop pussyfooting around and pretending like you are too shy or reluctant. Pretending shyness and reluctance is great for the bedroom but you're an adult and need to act like one and TALK TO HER ABOUT A SAFEWORD BEFORE YOU GET HURT.

Sorry for being so sharp, but you can literally die from an anal fissure. YOU CAN DIE. Do you understand the gravity of the situation now? People like you have died because they got damaged during sex. You probably aren't ready to die from an ass-infection, what a way to go. I'm sure you'd rather go quietly in your sleep when you're 85 with grandkids. You need to protect yourself and your future. AND YOUR ASS.

SAFEWORD MUTHAFUCKAAAA!

Thanks - I hear everyone - and AGREE !!!

 

[klippert]

EVERYONE has a fetish.... as for the pain. ask her to bash her thumb with a hammer... then keep doing.... pain is NOT pleasure. if its rectal pain.. they could be causing serious damage... hence...I have never jammed my cock up someones ass...that pain is a signal to 'STOP'

 

[mike300800]

EVERYONE has a fetish.... as for the pain. ask her to bash her thumb with a hammer... then keep doing.... pain is NOT pleasure. if its rectal pain.. they could be causing serious damage... hence...I have never jammed my cock up someones ass...that pain is a signal to 'STOP'

I would make a clarification between discomfort and pain at least as it relates to me and my "need". A certain amount of discomfort actually adds to the intensity of the situation, enhances the submissive or letting go feeling. Curious that I did not know I had this need/desire until it occurred ?

 

[mike300800]

I still wonder why she gets so incredibly aroused by the extreme discomfort and even pain. Other than these encounters, she doesn't exhibit any dominate tendencies at all. In fact when its just the two of us (both in our everyday activities and in sex) she tends to be more submissive and I typically lead. It is also interesting that she uses someone else. I get that seeing me submit to another man is probably part of that, but she doesn't really participate that much (other than a few times where she is kissing me and/or sort of holding me so I cannot move). I even suggested her using a strap-on and she had no interest at all.

She asked if I was up for it this weekend and I took the opportunity ....we chatted just a bit. Without saying that I enjoyed it or wanted it, I told her that if she really enjoyed these encounters that I was willing to continue to please her, but that we needed a signal when the pain approached something that could hurt me. She was not very comfortable with the conversation as we never really talk about it other than the logistics of setting it up ..... but she agreed. We'll see how it goes.

 

[Pachet]

I don't know if there's really an answer for that...? Plus I'm sure if there is, it's different for every person. If you asked me ::why:: I get off so much (and not just get off, it's more than sexual for me) on having pain inflicted on me, on being genuinely scared, on taking risks... my answer would simply be "because it feels good".

 

[BrightlyGo]

We don't always know 'why?'

Do you know exactly why you're enjoying the aspects of it that you are?

You're probably both discovering things about yourselves, maybe pretty fundamental things about who you really are (as opposed to who you've learned to be all your life). Or, y'know, maybe just kinky things that you enjoy - it doesn't need to be deeper than that.

It's jmho, and i obviously can't tell much from just hearing what you've described, but i think it'd be better to be honest about how you feel - that you've been enjoying it and want it to continue, just in a way that's safer for you - rather than putting the responsibility for wanting it all on her and thus making it a more adversarial negotiation. Particularly as you're not otherwise in a subservient position to her, you should be able to negotiate limits as equals who both want it.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I have no why either, expect that I do love the sudden flash of naked emotion and honest struggle. It's possible that you are normally a less than expressive person, as men are taught to be in our culture. I treasure those moments when the mask is torn off, and a person can't hide what they are experiencing.

 

[mike300800]

I have no why either, expect that I do love the sudden flash of naked emotion and honest struggle. It's possible that you are normally a less than expressive person, as men are taught to be in our culture. I treasure those moments when the mask is torn off, and a person can't hide what they are experiencing.

I am pretty expressive, but I do agree with the second part of your statement, I do also treasure/desire those moments when I totally let go (by choice or by situation) and "the mask is off" as you describe it !

 

[KoPilot]

She was not very comfortable with the conversation as we never really talk about it other than the logistics of setting it up ..... but she agreed. We'll see how it goes.

I get that people are kind of trained to hope and pray and flutter their lashes and hope that their partner understands what all of that means by osmosis because actually talking about sex is icky and bad and takes away from the fun and only freaky freaks do that...

...but if she keeps this up as you continue to try and talk to her about this, I would personally see it as a huge red flag. Even if she doesn't actually want to seriously hurt you, your sub-par levels of communication can still very much get you hurt.

 

[mike300800]

I get that people are kind of trained to hope and pray and flutter their lashes and hope that their partner understands what all of that means by osmosis because actually talking about sex is icky and bad and takes away from the fun and only freaky freaks do that...

...but if she keeps this up as you continue to try and talk to her about this, I would personally see it as a huge red flag. Even if she doesn't actually want to seriously hurt you, your sub-par levels of communication can still very much get you hurt.

Actually in this case, I almost glad we did not get into it too much. I know I am being advised otherwise but truly, part of me relishes the unknown part of this and I do not want to lose that. Plus I still have my relative "reluctance" in tact (in her eyes, and in the unknown part of it for me) ... I really do not want to lose that either. I just don't want to die .... (yes that was typed with humor but I also very much get that I need to protect myself)

She seemed to get what I needed and she agreed. I do think she got it ! We've talked about it before .... after-the-fact .... about a particular situation being too much for me, but never a strategy to address it in real-time ! She agreed on coded words for slowing down and stopping.

 

[welkin]

I still wonder why she gets so incredibly aroused by the extreme discomfort and even pain. Other than these encounters, she doesn't exhibit any dominate tendencies at all. In fact when its just the two of us (both in our everyday activities and in sex) she tends to be more submissive and I typically lead.

I'm also usually a sub/bottom to my boyfriend, but this one time I tied him up and made him suck on a dildo... so... just to throw out some ideas, which may be more or less relevant

- the taboo aspect knowing that my boyfriend is mostly straight
- confidence boost knowing how horny I can make my boyfriend, to the extent that he'd do something he normally wouldn't
- and a little bit of pure sadistic power thirst...
- visually it is VERY erotic, a view that one doesn't always get to sit back and enjoy while actively engaging in intercourse
- the fuzzy feeling of being trusted, that my boyfriend is willing to be humiliated and thereby vulnerable in front of me
- feeling of being special as I make him do things that he hasn't done with other girls
- affirmation that I have not given up all the control in the relationship just because I usually submit; seeking some sort of 'balance', as it were

 

[mike300800]

I'm also usually a sub/bottom to my boyfriend, but this one time I tied him up and made him suck on a dildo... so... just to throw out some ideas, which may be more or less relevant

- the taboo aspect knowing that my boyfriend is mostly straight
- confidence boost knowing how horny I can make my boyfriend, to the extent that he'd do something he normally wouldn't
- and a little bit of pure sadistic power thirst...
- visually it is VERY erotic, a view that one doesn't always get to sit back and enjoy while actively engaging in intercourse
- the fuzzy feeling of being trusted, that my boyfriend is willing to be humiliated and thereby vulnerable in front of me
- feeling of being special as I make him do things that he hasn't done with other girls
- affirmation that I have not given up all the control in the relationship just because I usually submit; seeking some sort of 'balance', as it were

Well said. And for me I take pleasure in providing those feelings for her !!! The submission, the degradation, the vulnerability, the humiliation .... all are powerful for me ... so I like that she is into "forcing" me to this place of submission and humiliation in front of her and I can give her all that you described !! Still wonder a bit about how intense her reaction was during a few times when it seemed obvious that I was in pain. But as I thought about it, perhaps she didn't realize in the moment that my threshold had been crossed. Heck I like her holding me down ... that was hot and I wish she would do it more often .... just not at the risk of my health. Hopefully the safe-word agreement will resolve that part of the equation !!

 

[mike300800]

As she and I were exchanging e-mails and discussing who to pick for an encounter this weekend, I told her I no longer wanted to be involved in the details of who she picked and any specifics of the scenario she set up. Told her I just did not like talking about picking a guy to be part of our 3some. I made her promise that she wouldn't pick someone we know, and that she would be safe, and I reinforced that we had to stick to the safe-word agreement. She seemed much more engaged in the conversation and accepting of the need for safety. Not sure why, perhaps yielding all (or at least most) of the responsibility to her ??? Anyway, I actually feel a lot more comfortable about her acceptance of my needs. She displayed a little be more domineering role than she normal does outside of the encounters .... interesting and kind of stimulating !!

 

[KoPilot]

Glad things are working out!

 

[Ruby_Atom]

I think it's incredibly hot. Like others said, you can't really say what is and isn't normal in kink. Everyone is different. For me, slightly forced guy on guy action is a huge turn on, but something that will probably always be in fantasy land for me!

Have you thought about pointing her to some BDSM literature? It might be easier to give her some reading to do to see where you are coming from, especially since she doesn't seem familiar with BDSM concepts. Basically, something that gives her an outline of what needs to happen to keep both of you guys safe without "spoiling" the spontaneity of what you have going.

On another note, this is a pretty standard Japanese fetish. There is heaps of erotic manta (comics) on it. The target audience is female and it's called "yaoi", meaning "rotten girl", but also refers to "boy love". In the male pairing, there is always a top and always a bottom. Usually the bottom is a bit reluctant.

 

[mike300800]

I think it's incredibly hot. Like others said, you can't really say what is and isn't normal in kink. Everyone is different. For me, slightly forced guy on guy action is a huge turn on, but something that will probably always be in fantasy land for me!

Have you thought about pointing her to some BDSM literature? It might be easier to give her some reading to do to see where you are coming from, especially since she doesn't seem familiar with BDSM concepts. Basically, something that gives her an outline of what needs to happen to keep both of you guys safe without "spoiling" the spontaneity of what you have going.

On another note, this is a pretty standard Japanese fetish. There is heaps of erotic manta (comics) on it. The target audience is female and it's called "yaoi", meaning "rotten girl", but also refers to "boy love". In the male pairing, there is always a top and always a bottom. Usually the bottom is a bit reluctant.

I think part of not wanting to talk about it (At least for me) is to keep it spontaneous and kind of a mystery. I don't really want to know what she is thinking or what is going to happen. And I think she still feels like I am totally reluctant and I want to keep it that way! We'll see if the safe discussion we had this week pays off. If it seems to be working then I'll probably just go with the flow for now.

On the stories part, I have read quite a few. Most that I have read seem to take it further than we go. Guys get feminized, or the woman dominates the whole relationship, etc etc. So far our situation just plays out a couple of times a month or so and then everything goes back to normal. I have no desire to be feminized etc. In fact, I am still "reluctant" to do this in that I really don't want to have sex with another guy and especially always being the bottom for guys that are into domination and force etc. I would not choose to have sex with another guy I don't think ! When I say I enjoy the encounters, what I mean is I LOVE the total submission and humiliation and total release I get in the situations. It's turned into a craving for me and it is very very intense ! The only thing I would really want to change is the variety of her "domination". Right now the only thing that really changes is the guy that she picks. Be nice to mix things up a bit ... add more mystery to the whole thing. But I really want that to be her idea. Perhaps since I am (trying) to let her work out all of the details and arrangements, she will mix things up a bit ??

 

[mike300800]

Out of the blue

Our planned encounter last week didn't work out ( a no show) but she set one up for last night. Out of the blue, prior to our 3some she started asking me questions. I was a little uncomfortable at first simply because she's never really been as direct as she was. She asked me if I enjoyed our 3some's and I said I enjoyed seeing how turned on she was. She kept asking questions including did I like having sex with other guys, etc. Eventually we got to me telling her that I really did not care for the male on male sex but I liked submitting to her and seeing her get turned on by it. That the whole submission, letting go, and humiliation part was an incredibly intense experience for me. I also told her I didn't mind a little discomfort or pain but sometimes it went to far. She responded with, "So you'll do whatever I ask" ??? That kind of came out of left field !

Without going into all of the details, the encounter last night was similar in many ways to others in the past but also very different. She was more vocal and leading the action a bit more than normal. Nothing extreme, just not passive like she always has been in the past. And I think she found something new she really gets off on which I find extremely distasteful. While the other guy was topping me, she directed this 3 way kiss which turned into the guy with his tongue inside of my mouth. I tried to turn away but the two of them kind of had me pinned back and she would have none of it and kept the kiss going. In this case I certainly do not have to wonder about my thoughts on the subject. It was very humiliating and distasteful. But she had an orgasm almost immediately and even said how hot it looked and it certainly was intense.

Again, not wanting to turn this thread into a description of the encounter. Sorry, just thought it was a curious twist. I guess we have gotten past the not talking about it part.

 

[Stella_Omega]

This has been really interesting and entertaining-- at least, for me.

Please continue to bring your insights here, if you are confortable doing so.
Regarding the kissing-- it is so muchmore intimate isn't it? Please think very careflly about it, and come to a responsible decision as to where that activity belongs on your list. yes, she loves it, You however, are willingly engaging in non consensual activity, and-- not always, but it's possible-- that will suddenly create an emotional trauma you weren't expecting. Just as you have to be aware of what could possibly break your arm, yanno?

Yes, she loved it. No, that does not mean you have to let it happen every time. She's a big girl too.

 

[mike300800]

This has been really interesting and entertaining-- at least, for me.

Please continue to bring your insights here, if you are confortable doing so.
Regarding the kissing-- it is so muchmore intimate isn't it? Please think very careflly about it, and come to a responsible decision as to where that activity belongs on your list. yes, she loves it, You however, are willingly engaging in non consensual activity, and-- not always, but it's possible-- that will suddenly create an emotional trauma you weren't expecting. Just as you have to be aware of what could possibly break your arm, yanno?

Yes, she loved it. No, that does not mean you have to let it happen every time. She's a big girl too.

While it was occurring I was in that zone I go to during these encounters so didn't really think about it much but yes it does make the act a more intimate act. My first thought afterwards was no way I want it to go there! It more or less took the interaction between me and this other guy beyond just an impersonal physical act especially for him I am sure.

However, after I thought about it some more, and especially while I was writing it out for this board earlier, it really took the whole experience to one where it was clearly an act of submission and humiliation for me. No more gray area ! So in that way it helps take things to that place I really want to go. (And did so without physical pain). Again, without wanting to get graphic, I will admit that I was repulsed and extremely turned on at the same time, especially once I quit resisting. I felt completely used. May sound wrong, but that is what I desire.

I agree with your line of reasoning though, I have been trying to figure it out myself.

 

[mike300800]

BTW, its easy to chat about it here. No one knows me

And truthfully it has been helpful. I appreciate that I can chat about it without it having to turn into a blow by blow fantasy sharing discussion. I posted on another board and the people that responded more or less wanted graphic details. I don't mind sharing them. But that wasn't really the purpose of my post.

 

[mike300800]

Another thing I forgot to mention earlier. During the discussion I had with my GF yesterday, I asked, and she agreed that from now on, we would only have these encounters no more than once every other week. I was pretty clear to her and she agreed that I did not want the basis for our sexual relationship to be totally about this aspect of it.

The only exception is we are actually having another meeting tonight. Special circumstances and special occasion.

 

[mike300800]

Thanks all for the feedback

I wanted to thank everyone who responded and provided feedback and insight. Like most things, just talking about and thinking about it a bit helped make sense of it all. Bottom line is that just a little bit of conversation between my GF and I has made a pretty substantial difference. Helped me understand my role and desires - that it's truly about the submission (and humiliation) part for me and the intensity that that provides. Of course the whole kissing incident (being passionately kissed by a guy while he is topping me) helped bring that home. That helped me see the distinction between desiring the sex and desiring the intensity of the submission part. And she now understands all of that about me and is taking a more active role in truly taking it to that level and she is REALLY into it. And I am pretty sure that she also understands that there have to be rational limits to the discomfort/pain aspect of it.

(BTW, we did talk just a bit about the pain aspect, she said that sometimes when we are having intercourse she experiences pain and she LIKES feeling taken and controlled like that. But also that feeds a desire she has to give it back to me, turn the tables, feel the control ! )

The latest twists in our encounters are less painful, but also more intense from the submission/humiliation angle. I find it incredibly intense, but also feel a much deeper sense of being "used" when its all over. I think I like that, but its beyond what I have felt in the past and leaves me with an uneasy feeling afterwards. I do like her taking charge though so want to just see how it all progresses.

Anyway, thanks all ! I may not be that proactively active on the board for now but nice to know there is a place to go

 

[mike300800]

Feel free to contact me directly if you like. My g - mail is the same as my handle on here. Hope that is ok to say ???