My sub has walked

[Netzach]

Please.

While we're playing games of power and control and while the feelings of power are heady and awesome when you are a new Domme - PLEASE remember:

You are a woman. He is a man.

Do NOT get so hung up on the hyper-responsible coaching we give noob Dominant men in this community saying "oh you can just put in your pronouns of choice and it still applies". I've ALWAYS felt like that was a bullshit cop-out. When you are the more vulnerable of the parties getting together your responsibility is to YOUR safety, not the emotional salving and worry about the other person's safety 24/7. In fact, forget it, everyone should take a page and worry about their safety and emotional safety with new relationships.

There are manipulative, DANGEROUS men out there who can say they are anything they want to get at you. They can say they are subs, sissies, wimpy pussywhipped Goddess worshippers - whatever.

(Me? I already question the backstory. Already. It's too out of the pages of femdom fiction, WAY too.)

And then, when you do run into one, when you DO get burned if not worse, you are made to feel like this is your fail at control and power and turned off of D/s and shamed even more.

Gah.

PLEASE do not forget the basics of being safe. PLEASE do not rush the pace of letting these guys into your personal life faster than you might the average Joe (in fact, I advise slower)

 

[Que]

sounds like he is for whatever reason in need of a rebellious period to reclaim his (admittedly voluntarily surrendered) manhood.

..sounds like he has seen or read a lot of unrealistic femdom porno-crap, and wants to play out live fetish-y stuff, but no interest in the reality that you and the fem-domme actresses are fulfilling HIS whim not some deep seated need in you.

 

[Stella_Omega]

In my naivety I thought my sub would think whatever I told him to think...and do whatever I told him to do.

I told him this morning I was not going to take him up on his kind offer of being my maid. He came back that he would maid not only for me but also my daughters (one is only 13, not sure what she would feel about some hairy arsed guy in a pinny - no offence to sissy maids intended) and then that he would maid for anyone I chose to send him to maid for, if I "insisted". In other words...

"I JUST WANT TO BE A MAID!"

Does anyone want a lazy, cantankerous six foot sissy maid?

OMG no, mail this guy the key, block his number, cut him the fuck off, what a total skeeve.

tell HIM to offer his services on fetlife. He's a dime a fucking dozen.

And read and re-read Netz words-- please, please.

 

[Rainbow123]

OMG
And read and re-read Netz words-- please, please.

I'm reading, Stella...

Thank you Netz

 

[Felonious1]

My sub of three months (in chastity) has decided he doesn't want the relationship anymore, referring to me by name instead of mistress, and being more than a little rude about it.

His reason? I withdrew from an online scrabble game we were playing as he could find the time to play but not to answer my texts. He said he was "too old to put up with tantrums"

I have told him it's not his decision and told him to wait for me to get in touch. That was two days ago.

I am in a quandary. It seems to me he is not "sub" at all if he can act like this. I think he cherry picks the bits he wants - restrained sex, feminization but cannot cope with being at my beck and call to have a conversation ( which is infrequent as I have a busy job) nor any displays of affection.

If he were a true sub wouldn't he accept it all?

I am so new at this. I really don't get how a sub can effectively walk out and over nothing other than my reaction to his Inattention.

Any thoughts, please?

Oh, and do I have to unlock him....?

I've read your posts, and see that you're new to all of this, so I'll be understanding while bringing a concept to print that many probably haven't wrapped your head around just yet.

Blanket statement that fits your situation, as well as those many others face......


One only exists in their big letter context as a Dom/Domme because of the power freely given to them by another. Without the little letter investment/delegation of their power over to someone else ........a big letter persona is really nothing more than a horny kinkster with a penchant for Domination and needs that are left unfulfilled.

It's never fun to have one's perceptions of themselves and/or others altered, then painfully see just how much power one doesn't wield over another.......or themselves when they couldn't control chronic over investment into a dead end relationship. Ive been there myself and know just how humbling and painful it was at that time when I got my own perceptions altered.

I've realized that power can very well be a drug. Withdrawal symptoms are common when the supply line is cut off when a power-based relationship goes south. One can also become overly emotional, which can lead to over investment in order to reestablish the "drug supply". Then one wonders who's actually serving whom within the bounds of kink/ power exchange. ( a bottom can very well be running the entire relationship from their position.....if........the big letter allows them too )


From what I've read in this thread, you've been approached and singled out in this case by someone with far more experience with head/power games. New relationship energy is overpowering the dynamic and its obviously gone off course and away from the script as you previously perceived. Core compatibility issues are glaring as well. I see no future in continued investment, and the only thing I feel you could possibly gain from this relationship is life experiences and insight on how not to let a little letter put you into a position of servitude and over investment.

JMO.......

Felonious

 

[Felonious1]

Please.

While we're playing games of power and control and while the feelings of power are heady and awesome when you are a new Domme - PLEASE remember:

You are a woman. He is a man.

Do NOT get so hung up on the hyper-responsible coaching we give noob Dominant men in this community saying "oh you can just put in your pronouns of choice and it still applies". I've ALWAYS felt like that was a bullshit cop-out. When you are the more vulnerable of the parties getting together your responsibility is to YOUR safety, not the emotional salving and worry about the other person's safety 24/7. In fact, forget it, everyone should take a page and worry about their safety and emotional safety with new relationships.

There are manipulative, DANGEROUS men out there who can say they are anything they want to get at you. They can say they are subs, sissies, wimpy pussywhipped Goddess worshippers - whatever.

(Me? I already question the backstory. Already. It's too out of the pages of femdom fiction, WAY too.)

And then, when you do run into one, when you DO get burned if not worse, you are made to feel like this is your fail at control and power and turned off of D/s and shamed even more.

Gah.

PLEASE do not forget the basics of being safe. PLEASE do not rush the pace of letting these guys into your personal life faster than you might the average Joe (in fact, I advise slower)

Sage advice to be heeded that's based in solid logic and obvious experience.

Although I feel the advice shouldn't be exclusive to men. As people of any sex, gender or big letter/little letter position can be overly manipulative when it comes to getting their overzealous needs met.

Every interpersonal relationship faces a continual test of time. One will only know if their partner is truly compatible, values and respects them until after the 1st hurdle is crossed when the new relationship energy is burned off........and they're deep into the 2nd act when things settle down as time passes on.

 

[Rainbow123]

I've read your posts, and see that you're new to all of this, so I'll be understanding while bringing a concept to print that many probably haven't wrapped your head around just yet.

Blanket statement that fits your situation, as well as those many others face......


One only exists in their big letter context as a Dom/Domme because of the power freely given to them by another. Without the little letter investment/delegation of their power over to someone else ........a big letter persona is really nothing more than a horny kinkster with a penchant for Domination and needs that are left unfulfilled.

It's never fun to have one's perceptions of themselves and/or others altered, then painfully see just how much power one doesn't wield over another.......or themselves when they couldn't control chronic over investment into a dead end relationship. Ive been there myself and know just how humbling and painful it was at that time when I got my own perceptions altered.

I've realized that power can very well be a drug. Withdrawal symptoms are common when the supply line is cut off when a power-based relationship goes south. One can also become overly emotional, which can lead to over investment in order to reestablish the "drug supply". Then one wonders who's actually serving whom within the bounds of kink/ power exchange. ( a bottom can very well be running the entire relationship from their position.....if........the big letter allows them too )


From what I've read in this thread, you've been approached and singled out in this case by someone with far more experience with head/power games. New relationship energy is overpowering the dynamic and its obviously gone off course and away from the script as you previously perceived. Core compatibility issues are glaring as well. I see no future in continued investment, and the only thing I feel you could possibly gain from this relationship is life experiences and insight on how not to let a little letter put you into a position of servitude and over investment.

JMO.......

Felonious[/QUOTE

Yes, Felonius, I believe have been singled out and topped from his hairy sissy bottom and the only thing I am left with is life experience. He has run the whole show, from his feigned reluctance at being locked up to his surprising number of technical failures which make him uncontactable on a regular basis and unable to reply to any communication that does not contain the word "maid" let alone instigate one.

The intoxication of the early days was overwhelming and yet I never felt I truly had control. I was aware he had the upper hand hence my swiftness to lock, to punish, to bring in other methods of control, all of which simply played right into his hands. How do you punish someone who gets off on punishment just because it is, well, punishment? Orgasm denial? No sweat. Withdrawal of attention? He loved the peace and quiet. Beatings? He took them. And all the while controlling me.

Yes I will walk. Just give me a while to lick my wounds..

 

[Stella_Omega]

Hey lemme tell you, my first experience with dominating someone was very similar. Something I'd never done before and yet, somehow, I think I can do it perfectly?

 

[Oubliette123]

''I told him this morning I was not going to take him up on his kind offer of being my maid. He came back that he would maid not only for me but also my daughters (one is only 13, not sure what she would feel about some hairy arsed guy in a pinny - no offence to sissy maids intended) and then that he would maid for anyone I chose to send him to maid for, if I "insisted". In other words...''

This bit...would have me running to the hills.

 

[BrightlyGo]

How do you punish someone who gets off on punishment just because it is, well, punishment?

Quite the imponderable, huh? Maybe someone into 'the scene' can give you a better answer, because my experience though long, is virtually all in the context of a single monogamous (and very committed) relationship.

I suspect that if someone is more experienced & manipulative than you and 'topping from the bottom,' there would be no such thing as 'punishment,' since the initial power exchange was fake to begin with. The only real punishment would be to suspend play or end the relationship.

 

[Felonious1]

[/QUOTE

Yes, Felonius, I believe have been singled out and topped from his hairy sissy bottom and the only thing I am left with is life experience. He has run the whole show, from his feigned reluctance at being locked up to his surprising number of technical failures which make him uncontactable on a regular basis and unable to reply to any communication that does not contain the word "maid" let alone instigate one.

The intoxication of the early days was overwhelming and yet I never felt I truly had control. I was aware he had the upper hand hence my swiftness to lock, to punish, to bring in other methods of control, all of which simply played right into his hands. How do you punish someone who gets off on punishment just because it is, well, punishment? Orgasm denial? No sweat. Withdrawal of attention? He loved the peace and quiet. Beatings? He took them. And all the while controlling me.

Yes I will walk. Just give me a while to lick my wounds..[/QUOTE]

Dealing with such a needy and activity-specific so-called little letter partner can very well transform a Dom or Domme into nothing more than a service orientated top once the topping from the bottom has taken center stage and they're running the show.

You're not the 1st person who stepped into the arena of a power differential relationship as the D, and pulled back after realizing it wasn't going as planned with a context in place that didn't drive out well. You're just strong enough to admit what happened and seek validation here for what you've already spotted. ( many are too ashamed to admit when things go wrong and the bottom flips the script on the top)

Live and learn........as we all do.

Felonious

 

[Felonious1]

Hey lemme tell you, my first experience with dominating someone was very similar. Something I'd never done before and yet, somehow, I think I can do it perfectly?

The inner narcissist within us all tells us that we're the best.

 

[countryboy001]

Thoughts

Rainbow--

Yes, you see he has run the whole show. As Netzach said, what label he applies shouldn't obscure the fundamentals. Being a sissy maid with locked up cock is his fantasy and demand. His problem, then and now is to find someone to cater to it. You did, being caught up in wearing the Domme hat.

I will comment on one thing:

You said, "I have spent hours researching the d/s relationship, trying to understand him (he won't openly tell me what he needs) and have put so much into doing what I thought was the right thing in order to keep him happy, realising him being satisfied is the key to my own happiness. So yes, I am petulant. When you've given as I have and he can't even be arsed to have a conversation once a day if it doesn't suit him then I think as his mistress I have a right to have a strop."

This is your part in the mess. What's to research about having your way, having a relationship on your terms? Do you want to be a Domme? In which of a hundred ways? How does your concern with 'doing the right thing...to keep him happy' fit in? What was labeled as your 'petulance' has an odd, non-dominant, flavor. "I worked so hard on this relationship, and he's still remote and controlling."

You have to figure out your true wants. When those are clear to you AND you are clear about a relationship in which you dominate, then you can look for the right person. You will let him know what you want, where you will make compromises. Then, if anyone is doing 'research', it will be him!

 

[Stella_Omega]

The inner narcissist within us all tells us that we're the best.

yeah but MY inner narcissist is right!

 

[Corbal]

I am in a quandary. It seems to me he is not "sub" at all if he can act like this.

You would benefit from changing your outlook on things. Submissive does not mean, doormat. Despite what you may assume, submissive people are still people, with desires, needs and their own emotions and thoughts. Because someone in a submissive role uses their voice and makes a decision without your approval doesn't mean they're not submissive. Your post, however, does show your inexperience and ignorance on the subject. Perhaps, you're not "Mistress-worthy."

 

[midwestyankee]

yeah but MY inner narcissist is right!

And even MY inner narcissist won't argue with hers on this one.

 

[Stella_Omega]

You would benefit from changing your outlook on things. Submissive does not mean, doormat. Despite what you may assume, submissive people are still people, with desires, needs and their own emotions and thoughts. Because someone in a submissive role uses their voice and makes a decision without your approval doesn't mean they're not submissive. Your post, however, does show your inexperience and ignorance on the subject. Perhaps, you're not "Mistress-worthy."

And here is an inner narcissist that hasn't read the thread, and embarrassed themselves thereby.

 

[Corbal]

And here is an inner narcissist that hasn't read the thread, and embarrassed themselves thereby.

Emabarassed? Hardly. Besides, I'm too caught up in my own narcissism to care.