My wife is a sub, what do i do?

[Ice2000]

dude sounds like your on your way..

next time your holding her down...

Flip her over grab a good handful of hair and give her a good spanking with your hand.. Start slow and make sure she is excited.. If you se she is enjoying herself spank harder. Don't worry about hurting her..as long as she s into it. your hand will burn long before that happens. That should get you going on short notice.. are the kids in bed?

if she likes that head to your local toy store and indulge yourself! Once you take control get creative and do what the heck makes you feel in control.

odds are she will like it.. Once you start feeding off each others excitement then you got it.

 

[graceanne]

Wow, what a response. After I posted it hit me that this was surely a topic that must come up frequently on these boards. But the resources you posted will save me alot of time surfing. So thank you. I am going to do the research before I sit down with her.

As to me being a dom - i dont know, one of the things that I find very sexy is power, mostly when I have it. But our sex life has been fairly vanilla up to now. Anyways...I really appreciate your help on this and will if anyone is interested I can post how it goes, as we work through it.

M

Actually we get a lot more 'i'm a sub/dom and my SO isn't - how do i make them into a sub/dom'. It's rare to get someone who's already a dom and who's girlfriend is alreayd a sub who just wants some help figuring out how to talk to them about it.

 

[MechaBlade]

I know outsourced sub training has been mentioned on this board, but dom training (if it hasn't been mentioned) would be a good idea. I'd probably take that class.

 

[wenchhh]

I'm really excited for you and your wife. This is a whole new avenue to your relationship. Sounds like you are a caring and compassionate lover and husband. She is very lucky to have you. I would suggest alternating sensations. Ice gave some good ideas, atleast, they would have done it for me, if I were his sub for that event. Pay attn to her reaction, and if you're not sure if she's liking something or not, ASK... and intersperse a gentle, loving caress in the middle of the sting. It just might drive her wild. Good luck!

 

[calaman012]

idea

Ice - I will try it. Certainly not the type of sex I'm used to but I'm curious to see how she responds.

She usually masturbates before going to sleep, not so much for the sexual response, but cumming relaxes her. While she was doing this last night I put my arm across her chest and pinned her to the bed. I also very gently encircled her neck with my hand. No pressure, just enough for her to feel it. Very good response from her. Between this and mulling if over most of yesterday she seems to enjoy control being taken from her.

Wonderful idea. This is very exciting.

M

 

[Ice2000]

good luck bud!!! Remember to always watch her reaction. If its not working back off.

its a real good starting point. And you can move forward from that point to anything that sounds hot for you both..

If it does work, on the ride to the toy store I suggest you play the old question game. Tell her she has to answer completely and in detail anything you want to know. Offer the same.

Ask really detailed questions.. Always ask how something made her feel.

Another little secret, if something embarrasses her.. and you start getting sketchy answers. Your getting close to something she likes but might be ashamed to say. Normally if she don't like something you will get a very loud and clear NO.

Ice gave some good ideas, atleast, they would have done it for me, if I were his sub for that event.

Careful Wench, we don't want this Super Dom your messing with getting jealous, I'm to old to be jumping out windows and stuff

 

[wenchhh]

(laughing, picturing ole icey poo jumping out a window)
No worries, my Sir is a very trusting, non jealous type Dom. He's also very secure in his knowledge that I am totally devoted to him. (even tho it's not mutual, the jerk) I would say it's a little more serious than "messing with" ... but then again, how would you know that? I know its just a phrase, but this totally blown away sub is perhaps a bit overzealous in her total dedication and suplication to this man.
Um, sorry, ya got me going there.
(Wenchhh takes a deep breath, zips her babbling mouth, and goes back to her desk)

Careful Wench, we don't want this Super Dom your messing with getting jealous, I'm to old to be jumping out windows and stuff

 

[Ice2000]

(laughing, picturing ole icey poo jumping out a window)
No worries, my Sir is a very trusting, non jealous type Dom. He's also very secure in his knowledge that I am totally devoted to him. (even tho it's not mutual, the jerk) I would say it's a little more serious than "messing with" ... but then again, how would you know that? I know its just a phrase, but this totally blown away sub is perhaps a bit overzealous in her total dedication and suplication to this man.
Um, sorry, ya got me going there.
(Wenchhh takes a deep breath, zips her babbling mouth, and goes back to her desk)

God give me the strength to keep my big mouth shut! There are so many ways I could comment on this one, and every darn one would send the Cat support group over the cliff again.

ok ok...."the jerk" I can relate

 

[__Lily__]

She usually masturbates before going to sleep, not so much for the sexual response, but cumming relaxes her. While she was doing this last night I put my arm across her chest and pinned her to the bed. I also very gently encircled her neck with my hand. No pressure, just enough for her to feel it.

I always masturbate before sleep, too, and I would looove it if my Dom did that!

I am by no means an expert, but I agree with most of the other posts. I think doing your research and knowing what each of you are comfortable doing are great ways to start. When I first became involved in my relationship, we did a lot of fantasy sharing, especially through email and texts. It's easier for me to admit some of my darker fantasies when I don't have to say them out loud. We were both new to the power thing and I think it really helped him to know how far I was willing to go.

Just wanted to wish you the best of luck and it sounds like you are definately on your way!

 

[wenchhh]

No, really Ice, BRING IT. Give it your best shot, I'm a big girl and can take care of myself.
I understand tho, if you're afraid of Cat and her friends.

smooches

 

[CutieMouse]

I understand tho, if you're afraid of Cat and her friends.

smooches

Damn you! I just snorted diet coke up my nose.

 

[wenchhh]

awww, sorry Cutie. I think it's important to point out, that there is more than one way to slay a lion. um, DRAGON, I meant Dragon!
hugz

Damn you! I just snorted diet coke up my nose.

 

[Ice2000]

Oh Jesus you two... your baiting Me!!!

That's really not fair..

I'm going to lunch and ponder.

don't choke on the Coke cutie .. there are much better things to gag on

 

[wenchhh]

Yeah Ice, but Cutie is 100% woman, and doesn't CHOKE on baby food, so you're safe!!!

KIDDING, just KIDDING. don't mean to insult your manly dom-ness, just teasing. boy am I brave today.

 

[CutieMouse]

Oh Jesus you two... your baiting Me!!!

That's really not fair..

I'm going to lunch and ponder.

don't choke on the Coke cutie .. there are much better things to gag on

Man, between you and RawHumor, I suddenly feel like I must be slacking off on the whole Ice Princess thing...

Just a friendly FYI- suggestive comments tossed in my general direction are usually unappreciated, unless made by a fery few specific gentlemen... a club to which you do not belong.

 

[Ice2000]

Man, between you and RawHumor, I suddenly feel like I must be slacking off on the whole Ice Princess thing...

Just a friendly FYI- suggestive comments tossed in my general direction are usually unappreciated, unless made by a fery few specific gentlemen... a club to which you do not belong.

I will keep that in mind CutieMouse, I was suffering from a urge to spew smart ass remarks at the time and you run right out in front of me

 

[Ice2000]

No, really Ice, BRING IT. Give it your best shot, I'm a big girl and can take care of myself.
I understand tho, if you're afraid of Cat and her friends.

smooches

Yeah Ice, but Cutie is 100% woman, and doesn't CHOKE on baby food, so you're safe!!!

KIDDING, just KIDDING. don't mean to insult your manly dom-ness, just teasing. boy am I brave today.

Wench, no worries on the negative comments.. all in fun! I think I'll have to decline your challenge for an exchange as enjoyable as it would be.

I pretty much KOed Cutie with a can of coke...on the way to lunch, lets not give me an opportunity to step on more toes. As harmless as my comments are intended, some don't find humor in them.

 

[calaman012]

just an update

So we were fooling around the other night. She was really in the mood to be controlled physically, which I was doing to a degree. When she asked me if I enjoy taking control. I said yes, because I do find it to be a turn on when I can play rough. Then I started to give her some slaps on her arse. Nothing hard, or even anything that would leave a mark, just enough for her to feel it. She got very still. But I couldn't tell if this was a 'do more - im enjoying' or 'stop' kinda reaction. I think it was the former. Is there any way to tell. I've asked her outright and she's said yes..but rather meekly. Just not sure how to read this.

What I really wanted to do was put her over my knee and see how much she would take. But I'll leave that to another day. One of the problems we seem to have is being able to admit that we enjoy something a bit out of the ordinary.

 

[ecstaticsub]

calaman--

Of course everyone is different and I don't know what your wife was thinking. The only way to really know that is to talk about it..but..

Years ago when I was trying to see if my husband was interested in Domming me he would try spanking me or even flogging me a little. I had the same reaction as your wife. For me I figured out that the reason I didn't like it was two-fold. First, there wasn't the mental preparation--it was just spanking with sex instead of him spanking me because he owned me. And also because it simply wasn't hard enough. It was hard enough for me to feel it, but it was just annoying. I wish my husband had told me he was going to spank me harder, waiting for some sort of reaction and when I didn't say no, that he would have continued. But the truth is he wasn't really into it. Which is fine, we found another compromise that works great for us.


I say keep experimenting. If you are enjoying it keep going a little further each time.

 

[liberatedslave]

So we were fooling around the other night. She was really in the mood to be controlled physically, which I was doing to a degree. When she asked me if I enjoy taking control. I said yes, because I do find it to be a turn on when I can play rough. Then I started to give her some slaps on her arse. Nothing hard, or even anything that would leave a mark, just enough for her to feel it. She got very still. But I couldn't tell if this was a 'do more - im enjoying' or 'stop' kinda reaction. I think it was the former. Is there any way to tell. I've asked her outright and she's said yes..but rather meekly. Just not sure how to read this.

What I really wanted to do was put her over my knee and see how much she would take. But I'll leave that to another day. One of the problems we seem to have is being able to admit that we enjoy something a bit out of the ordinary.

Hi Calaman,

When things get steamy between my Sir and I there is a moment where I surrender my power and he takes charge. We might be kissing or cuddling or something and tension is building and we both know that sex is going to follow. At some point in this early stage Sir will take charge and any initiative on my part will cease. He might pull my head back and kiss me possessively, give me a verbal instruction or simply throw me across the nearest piece of furniture and spank my ass.

What I'm trying to say is that once we've shifted into Dom/sub sexual roles any initiative or unauthorised movement on my part would feel like impatience, disrespect or rebellion. It's also a sign of how much I want to submit to him that I will try (though often fail) to stay as still as possible during a prolonged spanking. I'm horny as hell and enjoying every second and Sir knows it but it gives us both a kick to have me suppress that as much as I can. Your lady may get the same thrill from biting her lip and testing her own endurance.

This is where safewords are a good idea. Give her a word unrelated to sex (e.g. RED) to use to stop whatever you're doing. You must make sure she understands that using this word is her responsibility and that you need to know you can trust her not to push herself too far. Finding boundaries and personal quirks is all part of the fun of kink but requires very frank communication.

 

[calaman012]

spanking

Thank you, while both your the responses are different, they both help me understand what she's speaking.

I think that her response might be a combination of both - I'm not doing it hard enough and she isn't moving in hopes have having more.

Guess I'm just nervous about this, although I have to say I am enjoying it.

 

[myinnerslut]

you say she got still and then answered you meekly? mabye shes embarresed about liking it. i know it sounds funny since she asked for it, but even so she could be embarresed about likeing it for any number of reasons. the more common is "good girls" just dont like being spanked.

 

[SunshineLdy]

I'm very much like your lady. Submissive in bed, I love being "Taken". We have a safe word that's more than one word, and, I think, he loves pushing me to the point of saying one of them. I haven't had to cry them all out yet. I started it with him by asking if he'd like to try it, and I'll let him know if I can't take it. I guess it's kinda like crying uncle when you were younger, only pussy's cried uncle, right?

If she's interested, and likes the feelings, let her know that she's the one in control. She can stop it at any time with a word, or words. She controls how fast, hard, slow even though she's the one, for lack of a better word, enduring it. I let him know if I'm not up for it by telling him I don't want to hurt, and he knows by now that if he has me on the edge of calling out the safe words to pull back and listen for if I ask or cry out for more.

And my 2 cents, make sure that even though she's felt happily used and abused afterwards, you let her know how cherished she is after the paddling is done.

 

[calaman012]

hmmm

We have a safe word of sorts, or at least she knows that I'll stop if she taps out.

So I've done some thinking about this and have narrowed it down a bit. It helped when she came to last night and told me that in the next few days she wanted to be taken by force. But she felt funny asking for it. I'd like to get her to the point where she is able to tell me what she enjoys, but what really seems to get her going is the loss of control, which is why she doesnt like to talk about it much.

Here is my question. Oh and by the way I really appreciate all the advice. It's made this much easier. She enjoys losing control and very physical play, but I don't think she is into pain. How do I put these together? Or in other words what are the experiences and ideas that people have that combine losing control and rough play? Any suggestions are great - cause I feel like a freshman on the first day of highschool - completely clueless.

This is so much fun. Been thinking about it all day.

 

[SunshineLdy]

I don't like pain, and would readily beat my husband blue for spanking me...if I wasn't busy having an incredible orgasm when he's doing it. I can't quite figure it out, yet. I'm working on it, really. Loss of control is definitely a part of it, love it! And the spanking, pawing, scratching, pulling my hair...all that stuff I hate, and would readily beat him blue for.......if I wasn't too busy getting incredibly wet. I still don't understand it. Just enjoying it. We've been increasingly, uh, well...it's getting more, for about 6 years now.

Oh yeh, and taping out...sometimes he has to restrain me cause I start smacking him, the pillow, the wall, the bed etc... when I'm exploding really hard. He doesn't stop though, thankfully.