My wife is a sub, what do i do?

[calaman012]

just an update

It been a while and we've tried a few things so I thought I put out an update. I may have been wrong when I said she wasn't into pain. I was telling her a nasty story while I was fingering her the other night. Usually she closes her eyes to enjoy the scene but this time she said very softly that the man in the scenario should have a whip. I thought that was interesting but let it go. Sex was good that night.

A couple of weeks later we had a fairly intense meeting after she returned from a trip (which always seems to be the best sex for us). I was being rougher than usual with her and she commented on it afterwards. The comment was positive - she said it helped the intensity of her orgasm. At that point I had remembered the previous comment about the whip and said that I thought she liked pain. She whispered a maybe. So I whispered back that we would have to find out what kind of pain she enjoyed. At that point I thought she might have come again, but she just said that my comment made her very wet.

So here is my conundrum. I'm a complete newb in this respect. I like playing hard, controlling what she is doing but I've always been careful not to hurt her. So my question to the forum is - How do I use pain as part of sex? What kind of pain can be created and how do I do this. This is new territory for me.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Check out some of the links and threads listed in the Library at the top of the forum, but most of all talk to her about what she thinks might work for her, or what she wants to try....then you have something to work toward together.

Catalina

 

[FurryFury]

It been a while and we've tried a few things so I thought I put out an update. I may have been wrong when I said she wasn't into pain. I was telling her a nasty story while I was fingering her the other night. Usually she closes her eyes to enjoy the scene but this time she said very softly that the man in the scenario should have a whip. I thought that was interesting but let it go. Sex was good that night.

A couple of weeks later we had a fairly intense meeting after she returned from a trip (which always seems to be the best sex for us). I was being rougher than usual with her and she commented on it afterwards. The comment was positive - she said it helped the intensity of her orgasm. At that point I had remembered the previous comment about the whip and said that I thought she liked pain. She whispered a maybe. So I whispered back that we would have to find out what kind of pain she enjoyed. At that point I thought she might have come again, but she just said that my comment made her very wet.

So here is my conundrum. I'm a complete newb in this respect. I like playing hard, controlling what she is doing but I've always been careful not to hurt her. So my question to the forum is - How do I use pain as part of sex? What kind of pain can be created and how do I do this. This is new territory for me.

I think it might help you to think of pain as a type of sensation. When done along with other sensual activities, the sensation of pain is totally different than, say when I stub my toe.

 

[SirLeo]

Try A Little Tenderness

Seriously. Start with a spanking, my wife especially enjoys having her cheeks reddened while she is riding on top. For obvious reasons, I enjoy it when taking her from behind (men are such visual beings). Increase the velocity and tempo until she either uses her safe word or if you're sensitive enough to her (and though you profess to be a newbie, you certainly seem to be able to read her) you can tell that its no longer turning her on. Of course talk about it afterward. Then you can move onto hairbrushes, spatulas, belts, whips whatever. I know my wife absolutely does not get turned on by my asking her what she wants beofre hand, she wants me to do her and be in control. Asking her how much she likes it while getting spanked or whatever is another matter. "You like that, don't you slut?" seems to be an incredible turn on for us both. Its time for you to step up and exert your control and be confident. She is going to most likely get off more from your attitude then anything you actually do. Good luck!

Oh and by the way, you might want to take control while she is going away. Give her commands etc.

Leo

It been a while and we've tried a few things so I thought I put out an update. I may have been wrong when I said she wasn't into pain. I was telling her a nasty story while I was fingering her the other night. Usually she closes her eyes to enjoy the scene but this time she said very softly that the man in the scenario should have a whip. I thought that was interesting but let it go. Sex was good that night.

A couple of weeks later we had a fairly intense meeting after she returned from a trip (which always seems to be the best sex for us). I was being rougher than usual with her and she commented on it afterwards. The comment was positive - she said it helped the intensity of her orgasm. At that point I had remembered the previous comment about the whip and said that I thought she liked pain. She whispered a maybe. So I whispered back that we would have to find out what kind of pain she enjoyed. At that point I thought she might have come again, but she just said that my comment made her very wet.

So here is my conundrum. I'm a complete newb in this respect. I like playing hard, controlling what she is doing but I've always been careful not to hurt her. So my question to the forum is - How do I use pain as part of sex? What kind of pain can be created and how do I do this. This is new territory for me.

 

[calaman012]

more

FurryFury - Thinking of pain as a type of sensation and not just a negative is helpful. I'll use that.

SirLeo - I agree - asking her what she wants is definitely not what she would enjoy. Its more of a 'come grab me, throw me up against the wall and **** me' type of thing (not sure of the profanity rules here).

I think my next step is to grab her some evening and pull her into the bedroom. Then try spanking after she warms up. I know I'm being a pussy about this, just been told 'dont hit girls' too many times as a kid.

 

[calaman012]

whats this

Oh and by the way, you might want to take control while she is going away. Give her commands etc.

Leo

What do you mean - when she goes on a trip? What kind of commands?

 

[catalina_francisco]

FurryFury - Thinking of pain as a type of sensation and not just a negative is helpful. I'll use that.

SirLeo - I agree - asking her what she wants is definitely not what she would enjoy. Its more of a 'come grab me, throw me up against the wall and **** me' type of thing (not sure of the profanity rules here).

I think my next step is to grab her some evening and pull her into the bedroom. Then try spanking after she warms up. I know I'm being a pussy about this, just been told 'dont hit girls' too many times as a kid.

My suggestion to ask was not meant to ask and then immediately do, it was meant to discuss it, preferrably on a day when you have no intention of doing anything at all related to play, and it is not about asking for a blow by blow description of what she wants done, it is about what turns her on to think of doing (eg. does she fantasise about being spanked, whipped, flogged, caned..if spanking, how? OTK, on all fours, laying on her belly, restrained etc.)...it is quite common and usually recommended by those experienced in RL play.

As to starting with spanking (or any activity you do not know how she feels about), this is one reason why you need to discuss with your partner exactly the type sensations and pain she likes (or thinks she might like) as there are a few ladies around these parts who actually do not like or enjoy spanking, and some who might just tell you where to shove it. I for one hate the porn video type spank while getting fucked...it totally pisses me off, others love it, but get it wrong and you might have a hard time convincing her you have what it takes or her best interest at heart.

The most important tool you have when considering engaging in SM is communication, followed by establishing a safeword. Barge in without any information or inclination apart from what YOU think and you risk coming off with egg on your face and a spoiled evening and first experience. You might luck it and get it right, but do you want to take that risk. Add to that it sounds as if you don't know anything about doing any of these things, what needs to be known to not seriously harm your patner, and you could regret barging in. Take your time, talk to your partner, perhaps read some stories from here together which could also give you clues (though be careful as what turns a person on is not always necessarily something they feel ready or willing to try themselves), and most of all remember there are 2 of you involved and 2 of you who should have a positive experience and fun.

Catalina

 

[SirLeo]

Trip

You said you have particulary good sex when she returns from trips. Before she goes give her some instruction, what to wear or not, toys, ways she can touch herself etc.

Also, I have no disagreements with Catalina. Everyone is unique. My experience is that [B]gently[/B] pushing the boundaries can sometimes be easier or more comfortable than talking about them before hand. Its easy to talk about them afterwards. But Cat is very right, you have to be very sensitive so that you don't cross a boundary that would be hard to recover from. Good luck and remember the old adage about too many cooks. It sounds like you have a very good relationship and that you are a very good partner in that you are open and seeking to grow your relationship. Trust your instincts more than all of us opinionated stubborn folks you don't even know.

What do you mean - when she goes on a trip? What kind of commands?

 

[FurryFury]

FurryFury - Thinking of pain as a type of sensation and not just a negative is helpful. I'll use that.

SirLeo - I agree - asking her what she wants is definitely not what she would enjoy. Its more of a 'come grab me, throw me up against the wall and **** me' type of thing (not sure of the profanity rules here).

I think my next step is to grab her some evening and pull her into the bedroom. Then try spanking after she warms up. I know I'm being a pussy about this, just been told 'dont hit girls' too many times as a kid.

That's understandable but just remember that it may NOT be YOUR thing. If not that's okay, even if it hers.

Re: profanity, those rules change with the people involved.

 

[calaman012]

thanks

Thank you for your advice. Both of you have different insights and it is very helpful to hear what others think on this subject.

Back to the bedroom.