NaPo 2021 (thought I’d put em somewhere)

[todski28]

26-30

as if eerie moons are the start
of every melancholy
I wry smile at the poets
preconceived cliche
and start there anyway

because what else is there left to be explored
I’ve loved
lost, betrayed and rampaged my anger
splashed lust up the walls with all the adieu
of a child given a magic marker

broken bones mine
someone else’s
didn’t much bother me
shattered dreams
entered a state of nihilism
wanted to end it all
the pressure of it fathoms deep
suffocating
wanted to release the air valve and watch bubbles
float up to blip to the surface
beneath that cursed moon
and it’s unyielding cliched allure
as if she’s a Victoria secret model
stuck in time legs for days and a grasp
on the psyche that stretches into the decades with you

and here I stand looking at the same moon
grasping for some meaning
on this flying rock

see the sexiness of wanting
to burn it all to the ground
as if I could reconstruct better from the ashes
knowing I’d fail at that most of all

 

[todski28]

27-30

The handle bites into my palm
we do the ceremonial

we share
attempt to celebrate

a sprig of lavender
a photo frame filled
with fragments of stories captured
those who‘ve never seen it
invent a narrative from the character
of the person it was

those that were laugh or sigh

the lap of the ocean waves
is the perfect metronome
we lock step
heads bowed
each man in front of the other

I reside where the weight is heaviest

 

[todski28]

28-30

Watched my boys
my youngest plucked every ounce
of courage and strength he could muster
his Autism ticks were screaming
raging beneath his skin
trying desperately to tear out
in the discomfort
we had meltdowns screaming and fighting
however he was adamant he was going
and so we put him in his suit

my oldest boy was quiet
solemn his intelligence on display
as he quipped and tried to ease
the tension and pain
with unsophisticated jokes that fall flat
I remember he’s still learning
his social graces and forgiveness is
harder than admonishment

we arrive at the venue
and my boys do boy things
run
and wrestle
talk about the beach
stripping to their underware and going for a swim, letting the sand run through their toes

their mother’s tears start
they fall in beside her
try to lift a weight they don’t know the size of

I almost cried because I realised as boys the path
they were going to have to walk to become men

for all the lies society spews about
stoic toxic masculinity

I couldn’t have been prouder.

 

[todski28]

29-30

we gather buts
found in the gutter
rolled them in tally-ho papers
blew smoke rings
with others discarded refuse
as if singing karaoke and butchering
some one else’s song...

Steel girders sway against
the pale grey high-rise
we stagger from within
scattershot reality
we wander from the scent of grass
in new pastures to
coarse wind blown sand

the holes in my memory flicker in strobe light
but somewhere I can feel her kiss
the aftertaste of regret and shame

 

[todski28]

30-30

Not sure anymore how
we should be
with grief and stress and so many ands it’s like this line going on too long

I can’t remember the feel of your lips on mine
as if we’re Penelope and Odysseus waiting
20 years between moments

I know I can reach out
gently run my fingers down you spine
cup your cheek and pull you close
but I’ve forgotten how
in all the mess
I don’t know if you even want me to

as if we’re all fucked up
and the only thing left
is to be an awkward teen
sidle in
nerves frayed
wonder if the risk of shame
is worth the reward