need

[newsubtraining]

Please help again...

hello,

Let me start off by apologizing to everyone for my anger the other day. It was totally unlike me and uncalled for. I’m sorry. Next, let me say thank you to all who responded anyway in spite of my rudeness. Let me try to explain what I am looking for and tried to find on the other treads.

First of all let me say that my Husband and I are very happily married and are not looking for any kind of “addition” to our life. We are very committed to each other; in fact he and I redid our wedding vows last year on our 19th wedding anniversary. That said we have “played” around with the following:

Anal
Bondage (ropes, handcuffs)
Blindfolds
Spanking (hand, crop)
Flogging
Humiliation (name calling)

I’ve read a lot of the stories here and some seem out there in real fantasy. How is it possible to live in the real world and do some to the things described in these stories; and not get arrested that is? It also seems like the Doms always add someone in the mix…My Husband would never do that he will not want to share and to tell the truth I would not agree to that either, although the though of double and triple fun seems to get me going when I read about it in the stories. Then there is the 24/7 thing…is that real? Are there subs that really give up total control of everything in their lives or is this a fantasy? This is very interesting to me. Like I’ve said we have been married 20 years and everything has always been 50/50. My husband was raised to be a good respectful gentleman of the South. I think he is uncomfortable with the idea of taking total charge because he views it as abuse.

 

[CutieMouse]

Much better which will make it easier to help!

I have to scoot off to work, but I'm sure you'll get plenty of responses (and I'll try to add a few thoughts this evening, as well).

 

[JMohegan]

hello,

Let me start off by apologizing to everyone for my anger the other day. It was totally unlike me and uncalled for. I’m sorry. Next, let me say thank you to all who responded anyway in spite of my rudeness. Let me try to explain what I am looking for and tried to find on the other treads.

First of all let me say that my Husband and I are very happily married and are not looking for any kind of “addition” to our life. We are very committed to each other; in fact he and I redid our wedding vows last year on our 19th wedding anniversary. That said we have “played” around with the following:

Anal
Bondage (ropes, handcuffs)
Blindfolds
Spanking (hand, crop)
Flogging
Humiliation (name calling)

I’ve read a lot of the stories here and some seem out there in real fantasy. How is it possible to live in the real world and do some to the things described in these stories; and not get arrested that is? It also seems like the Doms always add someone in the mix…My Husband would never do that he will not want to share and to tell the truth I would not agree to that either, although the though of double and triple fun seems to get me going when I read about it in the stories. Then there is the 24/7 thing…is that real? Are there subs that really give up total control of everything in their lives or is this a fantasy? This is very interesting to me. Like I’ve said we have been married 20 years and everything has always been 50/50. My husband was raised to be a good respectful gentleman of the South. I think he is uncomfortable with the idea of taking total charge because he views it as abuse.

Re the stories - How can Superman fly? It's fiction.

Re 24/7 - yes, that's real, though actually giving up "total control of everything" is exceedingly rare. Even those who ID as M/s usually say things like: "Oh, well, Master *could* control my career, finances, and so on. He just chooses not to."

Re taking charge - It's abuse if it causes sustained and material harm. Otherwise, it's just one way of getting things done.

 

[midwestyankee]

Newsub, thanks for coming back with a better explanation of your need. This is a fine community that includes lots of people who are both knowledgeable about the bdsm life and generous with their wisdom. Inquisitive folks, like yourself, are more than welcome here. However, as you found out, most of us prefer that others assume that we will be helpful and civil from the beginning.

It sounds as if you and your husband have engaged in a loving relationship that includes a variety of bdsm practices. It's still not entirely clear what you mean by "take it to the next level" but that's a refinement that you can help with as we go along. My concern, though, is that you may be taking the fiction posted here as a guideline to the next level of bdsm for you.

Some of the bdsm stories posted here are quite realistic and reflect practices that some people enjoy in real life. Most of the stories, though, are fantastic and employ practices and situations that cannot be sustained in real life. I think you already know this, based on your most recent post. But you may be wondering what sorts of things are sustainable and which are not.

Only you and your husband can answer that question. What can work in your relationship and in your life is unique to you. One way that we can help, though, is in guiding you toward activities that grow organically from your current ones.

So...you say that you've enjoyed some bondage, flogging, spanking, blindfolds, and humiliation. I didn't include anal sex here because it's not strictly a bdsm practice. Don't tell tat to DVS, by the way, but I digress.

It might help us if you could characterize your enjoyment of these activities. Let's start with spanking. How has your husband spanked you? Over the knee? With his hands only, or with other implements? Is it part of a role play or as punishment for some infraction of his rules? How hard does he spank you? If he uses implements other than his hands, do the spankings leave marks, bruises, or welts? How do you respond, both emotionally and physically, to being spanked?

Knowing more about your current bdsm life will help us guide you to increased enjoyment or enjoyment of related but different activities.

 

[nh23]

hello,

Then there is the 24/7 thing…is that real? Are there subs that really give up total control of everything in their lives or is this a fantasy? This is very interesting to me. Like I’ve said we have been married 20 years and everything has always been 50/50. My husband was raised to be a good respectful gentleman of the South. I think he is uncomfortable with the idea of taking total charge because he views it as abuse.

Yep it's very real, and there are many of us on here who live it. It however is nothing like it is in porn. We usually ID as slaves not subs.

Re the stories - How can Superman fly? It's fiction.

Re 24/7 - yes, that's real, though actually giving up "total control of everything" is exceedingly rare. Even those who ID as M/s usually say things like: "Oh, well, Master *could* control my career, finances, and so on. He just chooses not to."

Haha! Yep!

 

[the captians wench]

I still revert back to my original advice: talk to your SO.

As has been said, some (if not most) of the stories you read are based on fantasy and the most extreams of that. Some of it can translate easily, some can't.

Do people live 24/7? Sure. Lots. And TPE (total power exchange) is one way to live in a D/s or M/s relationship, but not the only. Like every human relationship, every one is different and evolves differently. Take what you like and what works, and throw out the rest.

So I would ask, how much power do you wish to give up and do you want this to be a homebound, or even bedroombound, deal or do you want this to be something you live inside and outside of the home? And what does that mean to you?

Jounar will often make me define what I believe it is to be a slave. From there he decides where we should move as a couple. It gives me an opertunity to give him ideas and my views of where I(we) am at, and where I would like (us) to go.

As for adding a third. It is something I see in bdsm stories frequently, but what the stories don't touch on is how much work adding a thrid is. And, perhaps more importantly, it's not a requirement for being D/s or M/s. Nothing is really.

So ask yourself the big questions. See what your answers are and then talk to your SO about your answers and what his are.

Good luck

 

[VelvetDarkness]

For Homburg

 

[Homburg]

For Homburg

Absolutely brilliant!

You are truly a gem.

I really need to make my way cross the Pond to cash a certain cheque that I've got...

 

[Abraxas Winterlight]

For Homburg

thats amazing!!!!

excellent job Velvet

 

[shy slave]

For Homburg

That is just so great.

You have a talent and a fabulous imagination

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Absolutely brilliant!

You are truly a gem.

I really need to make my way cross the Pond to cash a certain cheque that I've got...

I mean... I would be honoured, your blowhardiness, Sir.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

thats amazing!!!!

excellent job Velvet

That is just so great.

You have a talent and a fabulous imagination

Aww... now you made me blush.

 

[Daddyslilpet]

hello,

Let me start off by apologizing to everyone for my anger the other day. It was totally unlike me and uncalled for. I’m sorry. Next, let me say thank you to all who responded anyway in spite of my rudeness. Let me try to explain what I am looking for and tried to find on the other treads.

First of all let me say that my Husband and I are very happily married and are not looking for any kind of “addition” to our life. We are very committed to each other; in fact he and I redid our wedding vows last year on our 19th wedding anniversary. That said we have “played” around with the following:

Anal
Bondage (ropes, handcuffs)
Blindfolds
Spanking (hand, crop)
Flogging
Humiliation (name calling)

I’ve read a lot of the stories here and some seem out there in real fantasy. How is it possible to live in the real world and do some to the things described in these stories; and not get arrested that is? It also seems like the Doms always add someone in the mix…My Husband would never do that he will not want to share and to tell the truth I would not agree to that either, although the though of double and triple fun seems to get me going when I read about it in the stories. Then there is the 24/7 thing…is that real? Are there subs that really give up total control of everything in their lives or is this a fantasy? This is very interesting to me. Like I’ve said we have been married 20 years and everything has always been 50/50. My husband was raised to be a good respectful gentleman of the South. I think he is uncomfortable with the idea of taking total charge because he views it as abuse.

I can totally relate. My husband and I will celebrate our 21st anniversary this month and he too was raised to be a good respectful Southern Gentleman. However, that doesn't mean that all the fun has to stop either.

What really matters is what the two of you agree on as the dynamics for your relationship. What goes on behind someone else's closed door doesn't matter a hill of beans.

Sit down with your hubby and talk to him, be completely open, and honest about what it is that you need. Maybe it would help by sharing some fantasies with each other or things you'd like to try. You can always decide not to do something again if one or both of you don't like it.

Best of luck to you.