Participating in these forums when involved in a relationship

[Phoenix Stone]

but it is human nature for them to filter and for me to distort their words.

I guess I am trying to reconcile how to keep learning as an individual even while actively trying to build a new relationship.

Ok, to respond to the second part of that post first... you need to know exactly why you are here and stick to that, I believe. I have some of the same introspective, pick-it-apart tendencies, and my dh Hates to have me post about our life. On the other hand, my original impetus for going online at all was a pressing Need to figure out and reconcile some feelings I was having. I've had to pick Those apart. And sometimes I've had to post about things that my dh found upsetting. Knowing the difference, when it was what I needed to do, versus some exhibitionistic tendencies, or a personal preference for psychological/philosophical blathering on, has been crucial. Knowing the difference, comes thru both making mistakes and knowing clearly and reminding yourself, what your needs and priorities are. (I still just post for fun sometimes but that doesn't cause any problems.)

Maybe you can ask yourself some questions. Such as, if you stopped coming here completely, what would you lose? Community? Handy hints from Heloise? A reliable turnon? Coaching?
What would you just miss, and what do you need? If there is something you'd miss A Lot, it probably has some need hidden in it -- that may or may not be appropriately filled here. For instance, it would be easy enough for me to get some sexual-verbal sparks here or on the sexual role play board, thru flirting and making an online involvement but it would mean I'm not making myself learn how to get more of that at home.

As to the first quote from you above -- that is one of the things about writing things out here and getting responses from others -- while what you are writing will still be filtered and distorted by you, just the process of writing it can help, and even more so, knowing you are going to get other honest opinions on it. One thing to remember though, is that we invest a lot in words and in the stories we tell about ourselves, yet there are so many versions and angles to the same 'truth' that it's a bit like alternate universes. Once you write down one version of 'what happened' it starts to feel set in stone. I can talk myself into believing things sometimes because of what I label them, iykwim.

Anyway, hope this makes sense to you and helps.

Ps

 

[Shadowsdream]

ok here is the advice I have become known for...

Don't burn your bridges before you actually KNOW You have found your magic. New relationships are generally seen through rose colored glasses. In other words to walk away from this forum just because you begin a relationship is a bit of an over reaction.

Do not bare your heart and soul over these new relationships online. If and when they fail the failure becomes even more pronounced when the failure is public.

You have never said or revealed anything in this forum that could or should be a problem with any partner that you may actually have.

Personally I like to keep this forum private from those I begin a new relationship with UNTIL I am certain it will become a long term involvement. NOT what I see through rose colored glasses as being the one! Then I bring them happily here and encourage them to read old posts of Mine so that they know I have been honest with them all along. I also encourage them to post openly and honestly if they have the interest to participate BUT I also do not allow any ass kissing and constant validation of My posts. I do not like to be trolled in devotion online.

 

[Mr Blonde]

Thanks for these additional replies. Many good points are being made.

First, one of my faults in early adulthood was not to share enough of myself. I excluded partners from some hobbies or other aspects of my life. Even today when trying to be 100% direct and upfront, a significant percentage of people still think I seem secretive or aloof. That will always be my natural tendency.

It might seem backward compared to typical BDSM circumstances, but I meet women in real life and am now considering the possibility of an online aspect to serve as an external reference point. I am private and do not have public contacts, and even if we needed a “circle” there are no functioning public groups within an hour’s drive. So the submissive-to-be and myself will be isolated. But I want her to have an outlet, to be exposed to things beyond just what I tell her, a chance to interact with others. She only needs one Dom (me) but it would help for her to talk to other submissive women and have some acquaintances. Maybe a chat buddy for her?

If I left Lit-land, I would lose (1) the external reference point that this forum provides and (2) the opportunity to continue learning about myself/others. Again, following my fantasies led me from initiate to novice to intermediate dominant. At some point BDSM is not just imagination or having guts to try things, one needs to understand and have some form of education. BDSM was not covered in the sex education classes from high school so I need to accumulate some outside knowledge/perspective or “tools” to take it much further. Do submissives think a dominant would include knife-play on a whim? Or do you see how the responsible dominant has to prepare and reach a comfort level that damage will not be caused by his actions? All of this stuff takes time!

Even with couples who successfully share a forum, there is one partner who will be more active than the other. You already see how limited my free time can be. And I agree that after the initial bluster of getting-to-know-you time, things usually level off and both partners begin resuming their other friendships and acquaintances. It can be good to think of starting a new relationship as taking a temporary vacation from Lit-land.

I cannot believe I did not mention this….but here is some relevant information from my history! I have twice shared a non-BDSM message board with a submissive girlfriend. One went well and the other was a disaster. That might explain some of the concerns. It is getting late, but let me type a couple more paragraphs to describe the situations.

The success was where we had coincidentally shared the message board before starting. This is a huge message board, so there are many areas and niches to hide, but at last check she continues to post for her hobbies and I continue participating in the areas that hold my interest. At no point did either of us indulge in silly chatter referring to our relationship. She would email me from work if there were a thread she thought I might enjoy, or we might discuss an aspect of the board for a few minutes, but it was very much less than 1% of our interaction.

The disaster was a case where I was consciously trying to “share” a hobby. She enjoyed my standup comedy (I was active at that time), so I told her about a humor community where I was a regular poster (~50 posts/month, visit 3-5 times/week). It was a place for swiftly moving humor (think of the TV show “MASH”)…too bad it closed down a few years ago. Anyway, she lurked and told me how much she loved it. Would it be okay if she registered? I was amenable because I had assumed she would use the board in a way similar to my purpose. Wrong. After registration she quickly adopted a Mother Hen style and got a reputation as a busybody. She would comment on each little decision made by the board owners. Where I had always been low-key and supportive (one of the administrators was an acquaintance of mine), she was high-strung and basically a nuisance. If someone made a joke about incompetent car mechanics, no one liked her 2500 word screed about how her brother was a mechanic and how hard of a job it was…especially when the person making the joke was himself a retired mechanic. She would offer serious advice in threads where people were just wanting to laugh. She accused the place of being cliquey because of the cool reception she received. At that point I firmly told her that she had missed the place’s purpose and suggested some other places where she could spend her internet time. And no, our real life relationship was not much better and we did not reach the six-month mark as a couple. (That sounds negative, while she had problems she also had positive qualities and if there had been more basic compatibility it would have been a compelling relationship.)

Anyway, whether it is clear in my post or not, the initial confusion is lifting and I am seeing better ways to deal with this issue.

 

[A Desert Rose]

... I do not like to be trolled in devotion online.

Oh... I like this part of your post... a lot.

 

[MissTaken]

I have thought about this thread and have not been sure how to respond.

For us, lit has it's place. Our perspective is pretty clear cut and mutual. Lit takes about .00001 percent of our time together and our relationship. As such, anything we post or say here, isn't likely to play that heavy of a role in our relationship, good or bad.

I have observed relationships that have been hurt by becoming open to the forums, people who have had grave misunderstandings and the dynamics of those have affected their time here or their relationship. However, in nearly all situations where posting seems to have been detrimental to couples, they not only visited and posted on the forum, but used the forum for hours a day and in some degree, were building their relationship not only upon real time interaction, but communication on the forum.

A public forum is no place to have feed and nurture a relationship, "carry on" that relationship or expect your relationship to be enrichened to a great degree. Sure, for fun, discussiona and light communication, it is fine, like going to the diner with a group of friends.

Okay, okay...I am rambling!

 

[Esclava]

<snip> Sure, for fun, discussiona and light communication, it is fine, like going to the diner with a group of friends.

Okay, okay...I am rambling!

Okay, okay...and i'm stil lurking...

But I'd go to dinner with many of the people I've met here anytime...as long as no one brought an item for administering discipline for conversation...

Esclava

 

[catalina_francisco]

I am private and do not have public contacts, and even if we needed a “circle” there are no functioning public groups within an hour’s drive. So the submissive-to-be and myself will be isolated. But I want her to have an outlet, to be exposed to things beyond just what I tell her, a chance to interact with others. She only needs one Dom (me) but it would help for her to talk to other submissive women and have some acquaintances. Maybe a chat buddy for her?

I can vouch for the value of this in the isolation context. We live in a rural area so is not like being in a city where there are many social opportunities. Add to that I am in a strange country, dealing with a language I don't speak, (and in our area few speak english), no literature in english unless we go the 2 hours to Amsterdam and you are left with the internet as your sole form of interaction with like minded people 99% of the time. I have found it a lifeline at times, and have certainly expanded my knowledge and thoughts through being part of this and other communities, and have had a place to discuss issues, triumphs, and ideas.

Even with couples who successfully share a forum, there is one partner who will be more active than the other.

As you say, one partner usually participates more than the other, or at least it would seem that way from the outside. I think for us, due to free time available, I am the one who is here more posting, but Francisco is often lurking somewhere reading and observing so it is not unusual for us to discuss things that have happened on Lit that day etc. It is nice to know throughout the day that we may not be physically together, but know what one of both are doing, feel that closeness and bonding in another form. It is not the foundation of our life, but does give both of us an opportunity to respond to different ideas both indvidually and together, and grow through the exposure to so many ideas and concepts you would rarely get by face to face socialising within a geographical area. We basically can draw on experiences from various locations of the globe, getting the benefit of cultural and divergent concepts on the lifestyle and how it fits with us....which is also good as we are both from opposite sides of the world and share a very different cultural background.

I find it enhances the relationship, more than hinders as we remain open to many ideas, and have been known to change or evolve through that. The mixture of our own ideas and needs, with those of many others only adds to the final product of who and what our bond is and becomes. Add to that we have met in real time some really cool people from Lit who live the lifestyle for real and share their own knowledge with others, and the mix is wonderful. It also is a tool to ensure total honesty when 2 people ion a relationship are on the same board. It becomes impossible to fudge anything and hope to get away with it, at least to the one who matters, Though we have not needed to rely on that to keep us honest, for me it is an extension of his control over me in that I am not free to do or say anything he would not agree with, or approve of, without risking his disappointment and dissillusionment with me....something I would never want. I can differ in opinion, but never misrepresent who or what I am or what we do and believe.

Catalina

 

[Esclava]

[B<snip>...It also is a tool to ensure total honesty when 2 people ion a relationship are on the same board. It becomes impossible to fudge anything and hope to get away with it, at least to the one who matters, Though we have not needed to rely on that to keep us honest, for me it is an extension of his control over me in that I am not free to do or say anything he would not agree with, or approve of, without risking his disappointment and dissillusionment with me....something I would never want.

Catalina [/B]

I understand the isolation aspect because geographic isolation is very much like emotional isolation when you are a lesbian attempting to survive in a heterosexual community and you have no one to talk to that understands you. Or worse, living as a bi-sexual woman in a community of lesbians - many of whom have either been hurt by men or otherwise don't understand what needs men fill, to make that part of you whole, that they cannot.

What you wrote about honesty hit, incredibly, close to home with me - especially the last sentence. I thought something was wrong with me because I felt that way.

Esclava