pick one of your poems and tell me all about it

[butters]

goodnight whoever's about. it's 2.23 am and my eyes refuse to stay open any longer. happy writings

 

[bflagsst]

B Collins wrote the paradelle poem to mock his contemporaries who spend more time on magic forms than magic content. I think he was bummed when people started writing paradelles because that kind of makes him just another form creator and not a champion of content.

 

[butters]

B Collins wrote the paradelle poem to mock his contemporaries who spend more time on magic forms than magic content. I think he was bummed when people started writing paradelles because that kind of makes him just another form creator and not a champion of content.

especially if they wrote better ones than his ...

 

[UnderYourSpell]

B Collins wrote the paradelle poem to mock his contemporaries who spend more time on magic forms than magic content. I think he was bummed when people started writing paradelles because that kind of makes him just another form creator and not a champion of content.

'just another form maker'? gee thanks

 

[butters]

'just another form maker'? gee thanks

i don't think i'm wrong in believing bflagsst's post was about Collins' personal opinion; having said that, we all have our own thoughts and preferences about these things.

 

[Angeline]

B Collins wrote the paradelle poem to mock his contemporaries who spend more time on magic forms than magic content. I think he was bummed when people started writing paradelles because that kind of makes him just another form creator and not a champion of content.

You should read Ted Berrigan's sonnets.

 

[nerk]

B Collins wrote the paradelle poem to mock his contemporaries who spend more time on magic forms than magic content. I think he was bummed when people started writing paradelles because that kind of makes him just another form creator and not a champion of content.

silly billy should have known
nothing is so absurd
that poets won't attempt it
earnestly

(am now attempting an earnest paradelle, just to see if it can be done)

Historically, has the "If I mock them enough, they will see things my way" strategy ever worked? For anything?

 

[UnderYourSpell]

*goes away to make up another form and inflict it on all concerned*!

 

[butters]

white flags

fingers
are better than eyes
for discovering flaws

subconsciousness
speaks truer than
the heart

lovers
march blindly with the band
hands behind their backs
bright hearts exposed



ok, my take on love and what it does to us, makes us vulnerable. even though i am admittedly a romantic, life's taught me that when you're in love you don't always listen to your senses, overwhelmed as we are by the heart. the subconscious niggles get drowned and we gaze upon the object of our love in a blinkered fashion.

the first lines were a more or less direct steal from some antiques valuer speaking about pottery, but they felt right, the sentiment seemed to fit the moment and began the poem that then became what it is and how it is. i didn't know what it was i set out to write. this is often the case. in this instance, it would seem that lovers might learn and understand more about their beloveds if they shut their eyes and used their other senses.

the band - this harks back to stuff i've written before, allusions to experience of discomforted, unaware "love" being more like a carnival, a marching band, a circus complete with the ringmaster directing my every move ... but broadened out here to include anyone in 'love' and at risk of being wounded.

'hands behind their backs' has a duality about it: it can be seen as hands bound (by love or the manipulations of another) and so they aren't free to 'see' the subliminal bodily messages, only what our eyes want to see (so, effectively blind), or held behind willingly, not wishing to delve too deep but trusting brightly in love to be good to them because being in love tends to feel bright and magnificent.

white flags - well, i guess that was about the way we surrender ourselves to the vagaries of love, another person's impact upon us. overall, i kinda loved the image of the lovers walking forward blindly, their shiny hearts exposed as targets, in time to the roisty-boisterous band. i hope love treats them kindly and those bright hearts don't act too often like bright red targets.

apart from all that, this was as much sound driven as anything, though strength of image was what i was working for in the end.

 

[butters]

Again, I am excited about this forum which has motivated me to explain my work.
I think this poem is a deep dive into my psyche. Who is the animal within? Who am I? How do we co-exist??

"WITHIN"

snip

sorry! i missed responding to this. i will be back as soon as possible. i wasn't ignoring you to be rude, honest

 

[greenmountaineer]

B Collins wrote the paradelle poem to mock his contemporaries who spend more time on magic forms than magic content. I think he was bummed when people started writing paradelles because that kind of makes him just another form creator and not a champion of content.

I'm still trying to find the appeal in this form. It honestly escapes me. Perhaps it's only in the mockery you mention. If I'm missing something subtle about its sound or structure that results in an "ah ha! Now I see," someone please educate me.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

I'm still trying to find the appeal in this form. It honestly escapes me. Perhaps it's only in the mockery you mention. If I'm missing something subtle about its sound or structure that results in an "ah ha! Now I see," someone please educate me.

You're quite right no appeal whatsoever!

I've made a start on what is hopefully a new form and have confused myself utterly after just two stanzas I will post a new thread when I have disentangled my brain!

 

[butters]

i think the appeal lies in the head rather than the heart - an exercise in wit/amusing snarkiness perhaps. poets throughout the ages have mocked their peers and rivals; not saying they should, but they have. and just because BC used it that way, doesn't mean we have to: as a parody. surely we can broaden that to include such niceties as the lame/vindictive trolls on a forum, or those ott critiquers who insist that it has to be there way or now way, or even a general parody of any online forum, though one like Lit has to be a fun target. ALL tongue in cheek so why not?

it's not noble, but look at most the poetry that gets published to the poetry site of Lit (as opposed to the forum)!

 

[butters]

Originally Posted by Findmeinnh View Post
Again, I am excited about this forum which has motivated me to explain my work.
I think this poem is a deep dive into my psyche. Who is the animal within? Who am I? How do we co-exist??

"WITHIN"

My precious creature, my muse
the words, penned for me
stalk and prey on my vulnerability

They burn my eyes
stirring him to life
tempting my desires release

Awakened by words intent
the other me, the animal within
I must retreat.

With an icy, dark stare
my reflection morphs
he whispers

"Don't listen, the words betray her facade of submission"

He fears my weaknesses
surrendering to flesh, unabashed
taking myself, in your name

His fears are unfounded
I will not displease him
I never have!

We stand alone staring
reflection slowly melts from within
he smiles knowingly, authoritatively

Alone at last; naked, throbbing, tortured.


Context: I have a friend on LIT that is really into the BSDM world (at least online). We have bantered and chatted about dom/sub topics and how we fit into that culture and how we viewed ourselves. I’d say she is more of an “intellectual friend” than a “play partner” thou we do occasionally play online. I have 6 unfinished stories I will someday publish here on LIT but I was frustrated because finishing them has been a challenge. So, my sub friend suggested writing a poetry might be a way to keep the juices flowing without turning into a major project (hahaha, she doesn’t write poems), so this was my 1st poem and a few people from LIT’s Poet region who are reading this now helped me develop it
~THANK YOU AGAIN ~

One day, she wrote me an awesome short story, about me …those are the “words, penned for me” and although she is an avowed Sub, she is not submissive to me. Thus the line “Don't listen, the words betray her facade of submission".

The rest of the poem is about my “other self”. My online persona here on LIT is “FindmeinNH” but my play/chat account is a throwback to a nickname one of my original cyber friends coined for me “Animal”. That friend said: …….. “you have an animal within and one day I’ll meet you in person and I will experience that beast” ……. we lost touch and I never did meet her in person, such a shame.

Anyway, the inner-animal “Within” is my insatiable lust and desire to please a woman orally (it’s just my thing) and, normally whenever the “animal” is awakened I have very little self control (if you know what I mean) But now, since I have been on LIT, I have discovered a darker more dominant side…so there is a struggle “Within”, a 3-way fight between:
- the normal me (nice guy)
- the animal (the lustful one who can be dominated)
- the dark beast (my dominant side).

this is interesting to read - tbh more interesting for me than the original poem but please don't be offended by that. we all have preferences. the poem allowed you to take a long and considered look at the three main sides to your nature, exploring them and maybe even coming to term with new discoveries about yourself. that in itself has to have made it a worthwhile thing for you to do, and so it's likely you will attach quite personally to the write. first and early poems are often very inward-looking, which sometimes leads to them excluding the reader a bit.

did it raise any questions for you that you weren't expecting it to? poetry, well writing stuff down in general i suppose - blogging, dear diaries, whatever - has a habit of clarifying our thinking. i'm guessing poetry focuses it even more tightly since we have to try to make every syllable count for something.

 

[butters]

You're quite right no appeal whatsoever!

I've made a start on what is hopefully a new form and have confused myself utterly after just two stanzas I will post a new thread when I have disentangled my brain!

holy shit, annie, you're gonna be the death of me!

but look at this! there IS such a word as 'paradiddle' and it's to do with drumming it made me larf because i am very childish sometimes *thumbs up*

Diddle rudiments

In percussion, a diddle consists of two consecutive notes played by the same hand (either RR or LL). Compare to the drag, which also consists of two consecutive notes played by the same hand.

The paradiddle is a rudiment consisting of a four-note pattern of the form RLRR or LRLL.[3] When multiple paradiddles are played in succession, the first note always alternates between right and left. There are also several official variations of paradiddle rudiments. Paradiddles are often used to switch hands while playing steady notes. For example, if steadily playing sixteenth notes, with right hand lead (RLRL, etc), then wanting to end on a drum to the left of the current drum, the drummer may stick it as follows: RLRL RLRL RLRL RLRR L with the final left tap on the ending drum.

The paradiddle is useful on a drum kit at the end of a fill to allow the next beat, on the crash cymbal, to be played with an alternate hand.


No. Name Notation Description
16. Single Paradiddle 16 single paradiddle.gif Two alternating notes followed by a diddle.
17. Double Paradiddle 17 double paradiddle.gif Four alternating notes followed by a diddle.
18. Triple Paradiddle 18 triple paradiddle.gif Six alternating notes followed by a diddle.
19. Paradiddle-Diddle 19 paradiddle diddle.gif Two alternating taps followed by two alternating diddles.

ok, switch 'drum-kit' for some body parts and tell me i'm not the only one laughing ... please


"are you diddlin', mother?"

"no, just playing the drums"



ok, i should apologise right now.

should.


not gonna though

 

[bflagsst]

It's one of those appearance things. We're some sort of form of poetry community. When you have a community you have visitors who form opinions of said community. Billy apparently saw a community that was more interested in fancy forms than actual content so he wrote a poem about it. I still like his poem, but I think he has a shoddy message.

 

[bflagsst]

white flags

fingers
are better than eyes
for discovering flaws

subconsciousness
speaks truer than
the heart

lovers
march blindly with the band
hands behind their backs
bright hearts exposed



ok, my take on love and what it does to us, makes us vulnerable. even though i am admittedly a romantic, life's taught me that when you're in love you don't always listen to your senses, overwhelmed as we are by the heart. the subconscious niggles get drowned and we gaze upon the object of our love in a blinkered fashion.

the first lines were a more or less direct steal from some antiques valuer speaking about pottery, but they felt right, the sentiment seemed to fit the moment and began the poem that then became what it is and how it is. i didn't know what it was i set out to write. this is often the case. in this instance, it would seem that lovers might learn and understand more about their beloveds if they shut their eyes and used their other senses.

the band - this harks back to stuff i've written before, allusions to experience of discomforted, unaware "love" being more like a carnival, a marching band, a circus complete with the ringmaster directing my every move ... but broadened out here to include anyone in 'love' and at risk of being wounded.

'hands behind their backs' has a duality about it: it can be seen as hands bound (by love or the manipulations of another) and so they aren't free to 'see' the subliminal bodily messages, only what our eyes want to see (so, effectively blind), or held behind willingly, not wishing to delve too deep but trusting brightly in love to be good to them because being in love tends to feel bright and magnificent.

white flags - well, i guess that was about the way we surrender ourselves to the vagaries of love, another person's impact upon us. overall, i kinda loved the image of the lovers walking forward blindly, their shiny hearts exposed as targets, in time to the roisty-boisterous band. i hope love treats them kindly and those bright hearts don't act too often like bright red targets.

apart from all that, this was as much sound driven as anything, though strength of image was what i was working for in the end.

Thanks for sharing. I like this poem. I don't know that you're accepting critique, but I longed for some sort of rhyme in the last stanza, maybe in place of 'exposed'.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Diddling has another slang meaning and it has nothing whatsoever to do with drums!

 

[butters]

Thanks for sharing. I like this poem. I don't know that you're accepting critique, but I longed for some sort of rhyme in the last stanza, maybe in place of 'exposed'.

band/hand, march/hearts not rhyming enough for you then? what about the hard I sounds of blindly/behind/bright?

i am so disappointed
but thanks, i am always willing to listen to crit, even if i don't agree with it

 

[butters]

Diddling has another slang meaning and it has nothing whatsoever to do with drums!

i know i know! lmao.

 

[Liar]

Seeing that I feel words sneaking up on me again after a year of solid drought, this might be a good place to reconnect, by peeking back at my old stuff.

So here's one that I kind of dig. One of the last things I wrote in English in a very long time.


Shoegazing

Sturdy lace pulled thru
this way, that way,
zig zag strangulation
cutting off all
circulation.
Wriggle toes and flex
an ankle, let your
skin breathe. Then
tie a knot and take
that first step.

*

We all walk an inch
off the ground.
Only a few actually
levitate.

*

You can tell a man's sin
by his soles. Superbia is worn
at the toes, poised for charge.
Avaritia grinds heels
into the ground, traction
to pull wants closer.
Gula is a sole never worn
before replaced and piled.

*

Silent wish from a shoebox:
Take me out, pick me up
fill me, fullfill me,
take me dancing.

*

Chaplin gorged on leather
shaped liquorice. Things
were easier in monochrome,
when smoke and mirrors
were indeed smoke
and mirrors
and sweet liquorice
shoes.

*

Doug choose shoes.
Doug's dog chews
shoes Doug choose.
Dog: "Shoe, Doug?"
Doug: "Shoo, dog!"
Shoo dog, shoo.





More of a poem trope than a poem, it was the result of me wanting to kick start my brain after months of writer's block. I opened up a dictionary and picked a random word for the title, and challenged myself to write a poem from that no matter what. Luck had it it was a very good word, and as sson as I typed it down, I already had a bunch of ideas bouncing around in my head, from serious to silly. So I figured hey, why not use them all?


Now, the quesion is if I can repeat the trick. I suddenly feel like jotting down English language poems again. I'll let y'all know if something comes out of it.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

I remember that one!

 

[butters]

Seeing that I feel words sneaking up on me again after a year of solid drought, this might be a good place to reconnect, by peeking back at my old stuff.

So here's one that I kind of dig. One of the last things I wrote in English in a very long time.


Shoegazing

Sturdy lace pulled thru
this way, that way,
zig zag strangulation
cutting off all
circulation.
Wriggle toes and flex
an ankle, let your
skin breathe. Then
tie a knot and take
that first step.

*

We all walk an inch
off the ground.
Only a few actually
levitate.

*

You can tell a man's sin
by his soles. Superbia is worn
at the toes, poised for charge.
Avaritia grinds heels
into the ground, traction
to pull wants closer.
Gula is a sole never worn
before replaced and piled.

*

Silent wish from a shoebox:
Take me out, pick me up
fill me, fullfill me,
take me dancing.

*

Chaplin gorged on leather
shaped liquorice. Things
were easier in monochrome,
when smoke and mirrors
were indeed smoke
and mirrors
and sweet liquorice
shoes.

*

Doug choose shoes.
Doug's dog chews
shoes Doug choose.
Dog: "Shoe, Doug?"
Doug: "Shoo, dog!"
Shoo dog, shoo.





More of a poem trope than a poem, it was the result of me wanting to kick start my brain after months of writer's block. I opened up a dictionary and picked a random word for the title, and challenged myself to write a poem from that no matter what. Luck had it it was a very good word, and as sson as I typed it down, I already had a bunch of ideas bouncing around in my head, from serious to silly. So I figured hey, why not use them all?


Now, the quesion is if I can repeat the trick. I suddenly feel like jotting down English language poems again. I'll let y'all know if something comes out of it.

the poem walks the reader through a spate of ideas, hop-scotches us from one thought/image to the next but doesn't make me, as a reader, lose connection with it as a whole.

the dictionary thing is often a great tool - i've used it to start many a write during one dryish period and on and off since then. another game i like to play is to take a list of random words that just jump off the page to me, and use them to make a new write. it is an interesting experiment and has given me some great ideas! i hope you get kicked into motion with this revisit to your english writings!

 

[UnderYourSpell]

the poem walks the reader through a spate of ideas, hop-scotches us from one thought/image to the next but doesn't make me, as a reader, lose connection with it as a whole.

the dictionary thing is often a great tool - i've used it to start many a write during one dryish period and on and off since then. another game i like to play is to take a list of random words that just jump off the page to me, and use them to make a new write. it is an interesting experiment and has given me some great ideas! i hope you get kicked into motion with this revisit to your english writings!

we had a challenge round that once , picking a word at random and using it in a poem. I got accused of making mine up but I had gone to msn encarta and there it was slap bang on the page as word of the day!

 

[butters]

we had a challenge round that once , picking a word at random and using it in a poem. I got accused of making mine up but I had gone to msn encarta and there it was slap bang on the page as word of the day!

there are so many fabulous words in our language that rarely, if ever, get an outing. sometimes it's great to see them out on a little promenade. at one stage my writing was all about using rich and wonderful words; it almost got to the stage where i felt the words were running the show and using me as their tool rather than the other way around; then i completely switched style and began to place emphasis on simpler language that i wanted to 'disappear' as the reader 'saw' the imagery. i still miss those wordy days sometimes