please tear me apart

[pointless]

Re: Wonton Women

I'll have a vegetable spring roll, too, please.



And pointless, too much sun is not good, lol.

i know. i'm a burner, but i'm a northern european mutt, so it's to be expected. i turn a nice shade of red right before it starts to peel. maybe that will get your mind off of food for awhile. just thinking of "chinese" food gives me gas.

 

[darkmaas]

If gas is a problem...

Rybka is an expert.

 

[CharleyH]

Not so pointless:

Didn't know which poem you wanted feedback on . . . so I chose the first. but since other critiques . . . well, oh well, here's my take on the first one I found - untitled:

I enjoyed many parts of thispoem. Here is my interpretation, and you can work on this as my critique:

The whole poem reads some stilled lines, not in metere, but as read – I like the stillness – stopped lines, it gets across your anger. I like the first three lines, and think that “Behind the mountain” needs to be qualified, needs to transition from the first three lines to the next lines. I don’t get the metaphor. What mountain? I want to guess coldness? I also want to say the mountain of emotion that is absent, unfeeling . . . there needs to just, even one word, be more to say . . . transition. The line speaks as description of another character in the poem – and yes, I get mountain, cold, rock solid, uncaring, but for some reason, I cannot pinpoint at this time, I think it just needs one thing more. Mmm, maybe ther is no explaination as to why he leaves you in the dark..

I have only read once – the more I think, the more I, myself link, and yet . . . there is an absence.

Dark
Fuck you

I get the anger, to be left, unseeing the moment, unknowing, it just happened out of the blue without foresight. Apathy in line 2 speaks to me like it was not a one night stand, to notice apathy is to know the person . . .

My apologies need to link to the mountain, though I am here guessing you are submissive. I am thinking submissive for two reasons: why bother being angry – if someone left well, simply fuck to love ya, bye bye, and the whip in the end. Still this line needs to be linked to the mountain. They are both about this other person – you need to make that person come together, come alive.

I see the anger, pissed offness, loneliness, hurtness.

You link submissiveness beautifully to the whip, however, I do feel that cut/pasting the line “Paradise is a little orange pill” would be better served as a last line. I think it gets across the relationship between you and the old man succinctly as a last line.

CharleyH

 

[Rybka]

Re: If gas is a problem...

Rybka is an expert.

Yeah, Darkmaas won't drink water cause fishes shit in it!

Regards,                                 Rybka

 

[Angeline]

Yeah, Darkmaas won't drink water cause fishes shit in it!

that's ok. if he does a good job on his graphic poem, i'm buying him scotch.

 

[pointless]

don't take this the wrong way, but...

Not so pointless:

Didn't know which poem you wanted feedback on . . . so I chose the first. but since other critiques . . . well, oh well, here's my take on the first one I found - untitled:

I enjoyed many parts of thispoem. Here is my interpretation, and you can work on this as my critique:

The whole poem reads some stilled lines, not in metere, but as read – I like the stillness – stopped lines, it gets across your anger. I like the first three lines, and think that “Behind the mountain” needs to be qualified, needs to transition from the first three lines to the next lines. I don’t get the metaphor. What mountain? I want to guess coldness? I also want to say the mountain of emotion that is absent, unfeeling . . . there needs to just, even one word, be more to say . . . transition. The line speaks as description of another character in the poem – and yes, I get mountain, cold, rock solid, uncaring, but for some reason, I cannot pinpoint at this time, I think it just needs one thing more. Mmm, maybe ther is no explaination as to why he leaves you in the dark..

I have only read once – the more I think, the more I, myself link, and yet . . . there is an absence.

Dark
Fuck you

I get the anger, to be left, unseeing the moment, unknowing, it just happened out of the blue without foresight. Apathy in line 2 speaks to me like it was not a one night stand, to notice apathy is to know the person . . .

My apologies need to link to the mountain, though I am here guessing you are submissive. I am thinking submissive for two reasons: why bother being angry – if someone left well, simply fuck to love ya, bye bye, and the whip in the end. Still this line needs to be linked to the mountain. They are both about this other person – you need to make that person come together, come alive.

I see the anger, pissed offness, loneliness, hurtness.

You link submissiveness beautifully to the whip, however, I do feel that cut/pasting the line “Paradise is a little orange pill” would be better served as a last line. I think it gets across the relationship between you and the old man succinctly as a last line.

CharleyH

...i'm so confused. i think i understand parts of this, but some of it just doesn't make sense to me. i don't even have a poem titled "untitled". not that your thoughts are unwelcome, but i'm having trouble with exactly what you are trying to say here. in parts you seem to have caught something i was trying to do that no one else commented on( broken lines to show passive anger), but in other parts you seem to be suggesting that my poems are all connected. please post again and clarify what you meant. it would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Senna Jawa]

Re: Pointless, a bad weekend

[...] anger may be your best source of material for WRITING.[...]

You mean the situations which cause anger (anger itself is an emotion, not material, and it better not be a source of material for writing ).

Pieces which are a direct result of anger are among the worst writings, among the most stupid. They are bullshiting as bad as all those "silky tighs/touch my heart" writings, and they are, if possible, even more unpleasant to read.

If your anger results in an urge to write, then you need to take a step back, get distance, you need to make a good natured fun of both sides of the conflict (or point to the circumstances in favor of both sides in a serious poem), you need to be objective. Only then you have a chance to write something of a value.

 

[pointless]

Re: Re: Pointless, a bad weekend

You mean the situations which cause anger (anger itself is an emotion, not material, and it better not be a source of material for writing ).

Writings which are a direct result of anger are among the worst, among ther most stupid. They are bullshiting as bad as all those "silky tighs/touch my heart" writings, and they are, if possible, even more unpleasant to read.

If your anger results in an urge to write, then you need to take a step back, get distance, you need to make a good natured fun of both sides of the conflict (or point to the circumstances in favor of both sides in a serious poem), you need to be objective. Only then you have a chance to write something of a value.

i have to agree with this. too much emotion can be a very bad thing for a poem. this is creepy. i really wanted to disagree with you, damnit!!

 

[CharleyH]

What's pointless?

Obviously my brain! Sleeping? Stressed? Just plain idiotic?

Well, whatever lame excuse I can come up with I guess!

I thought, when you said follow the link, you meant to THE POEM. So I read all your titles as THE poem! Duh?! And yet, strangely enough all of the titles worked together - I thought maybe a bit disjointed, couldn't figure the mountain out, WELL I GUESS NOT! But of course, I must've been high or just downright insane or something yesterday. Yesterday? Jesus christ what did I do yesterday!

Well, what can I say? I'm good for a laugh, and I think I'll bury my head in the sand and post again when I find my brain!

Charley

 

[pointless]

don't worry about it. we all make mistakes.

 

[Senna Jawa]

What's pointless?

Obviously my brain! Sleeping? Stressed? Just plain idiotic?

Well, whatever lame excuse I can come up with I guess!

I thought, when you said follow the link, you meant to THE POEM. So I read all your titles as THE poem! Duh?! And yet, strangely enough all of the titles worked together - I thought maybe a bit disjointed, couldn't figure the mountain out, WELL I GUESS NOT! But of course, I must've been high or just downright insane or something yesterday. Yesterday? Jesus christ what did I do yesterday!

Well, what can I say? I'm good for a laugh, and I think I'll bury my head in the sand and post again when I find my brain!

Charley

You mean that you considered the following text as a poem:



        After the party when all is quiet
        Apathy Wins the War
        Awkward Good-bye
        Behind That Mountain
        Burnt Out, Waiting to Die
        Dark
        Fuck You
        My Apologies Would Mean Nothing Now
        old man, please be silent.
        Paradise is a Little Orange Pill
        The Whip Still Stings So Beautifull
        Useless



Your comment is funny. But at the same time it is sad and frustrating. For one thing, the above text is indeed a much better "poem" then hundreds upon hundreds of "real poems". (I bet that it is way better than each of the poems represented by the titles above; it is certainly better, no comparison, than several top ranked Literotica poems, with average vote over 4). And that's one half of the sad state of affairs. The other one is that people will defend such nonsense, will write elaborated comments about its virtues. And if I called it useless and junk thay would jump for my throat. That's why their comments are mostly useless and the actions of the snotty or vulgar or sohisticated and oh-so intellectual throat jumpers are mean and stupid. Ironically, the above "poem" ends on word useless.

 

[Senna Jawa]

the titles of poems by pointless:



        After the party when all is quiet
        Apathy Wins the War
        Awkward Good-bye
        Behind That Mountain
        Burnt Out, Waiting to Die
        Dark
        Fuck You
        My Apologies Would Mean Nothing Now
        old man, please be silent.
        Paradise is a Little Orange Pill
        The Whip Still Stings So Beautifull
        Useless

Where is KarmaDog?! These titles, by pointless, deserve your attention, KarmaDog, I'd think--but you're the only one to know.

 

[pointless]

what is your problem? do you have nothing better to do than to taunt me with your arrogant whining? you have already made it quite clear that you think i'm an idiot. move on and find yourself another whipping boy. this is getting old.

 

[Senna Jawa]

        The Whip Still Stings So Beautifull

Pointless, it should be one "el" in "beautiful". I fixed it in the other thread, But it is very hard to fix a title on Literotica due to its poor software design. That the Literotica software design is poor can be seen easily because all the nice features which we enjoy here, on the discussion forum, are not available where it really counts too, when we post poems. Then everything is awkward and slow. Any small modification of the text is a big pain in the neck and takes forever. If the design were simple and elegant we would have the same convenient features under different circumstances. (That the software design at Literotica is poor shows also in certain other ways as well).

 

[pointless]

Pointless, it should be one "el" in "beautiful". I fixed it in the other thread, But it is very hard to fix a title on Literotica due to its poor software design. That the Literotica software design is poor can be seen easily because all the nice features which we enjoy here, on the discussion forum are not available when it really counts too, when we post poems. Then everything is awkward and slow. Any small modification of the text is a big pain in the neck and takes forever. If the design were simple and elegant we would have the same convenient features under different circumstances. (That the software design at Literotica is poor shows also in certain other ways as well).

the poem title was too long to fit. i can't remember the original title anymore. the original was lost when my old computer crashed. i never bothered to back it up. it was meant to be beautifully, but that is all i can remember.

 

[Senna Jawa]

what is your problem? do you have nothing better to do than to taunt me with your arrogant whining? you have already made it quite clear that you think i'm an idiot. move on and find yourself another whipping boy. this is getting old.

Relax, have fun.

 

[pointless]

i'm trying to.

 

[pointless]

dark

time to offer up another sacrifice to the dark gods who rule this section of lit. this is another poem that i have recieved no feedback on and no votes( at the moment). feel free to point out its flawes. i'm sure there are many of them. i promise not to get pissed this time if someone calls it bullshit. it will take a lot of effort, but i'll try.

i'm going to try this again, because this post was pushed back some of you might not have the patience to look for it. of course, i've already recieved a good deal of criticism(sp?) on some of my other stuff, so i will understand if no one feels the need to review this one. just thought it couldn't hurt.