PoBo Form Master Class Series - The Tanka

[sassynyc]

In cloaked shadows of his smile
Sunsets blush green
Flutter of butterflies inside carry hope
Of love anew
Faith restored​

 

[UnderYourSpell]

A flash of blue
The kingfisher iridescent
Darts from the eye
Soars the aching heart
To see her flying free

 

[sassynyc]

not sure if this qualifies, but...

I asked
What he wanted
From me
His reply a whisper
You
​

 

[Equinoxe]

Wonderful work, all of you.

For a little bit more background and familiarity, here are the results of an English language tanka contest from 1996 (the judge is, suffice it to say, less of a traditionalist than I am, but undoubtedly more qualified).

A flash of blue
The kingfisher iridescent
Darts from the eye
Soars the aching heart
To see her flying free

Although they are not that similar, aside from the kingfisher, this one made me think of a poem by the Chinese poet Yu Xuanji:

Kingfisher blue along a tangled bank.
Mist drifts in a far tower.
Shadows creep across autumn water.
Flowers fall around fishermen's heads.
Fish hide in old roots.
Twigs catch on pleasure boats.
Then: the wind's whistle on a rainy night
Invades my dream. I awake to grief.​

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Oh I am chuffed now in good company indeed

 

[sassynyc]

Aurora Borealis
The Dance of the Spirits
Visits upon night
To dance, but for a while
Longing left in its wake
​

 

[LadynStFreknBed]

Bouquet variant
pink, violet, yellow blooms
vibrant hues
all supported by green stems
none pale in comparison​

 

[GoddessNyx SwtCheeks]

First Tanka attempt: The lines don't look different lengths, but the syllable count follows form. Am I on track?


This seems an easier (on the surface) form ...


The fawn shyly nods
to my soft hello, as the
doe watches close by.
She joins my dream, and lets me
paint her in words and colors.

Goddess Nyx

 

[Equinoxe]

First Tanka attempt: The lines don't look different lengths, but the syllable count follows form. Am I on track?

Yes, you are on track.

 

[Senna Jawa]

Equinoxe, your contribution to this board is wonderful! Thank you.

I'd like to mention again, as in the past, the poetry and essays by Keiko Imaoka. Without reading her words the tanka (or haiku) experience cannot be full.

Best regards,

 

[Senna Jawa]

X

X


​

in the center of the symbol
of unknown
the travelers
see each other
but for a moment



​

wh,
1990

 

[Senna Jawa]

Wonderful work, all of you.

You're very kind, but this page looks to me like some kind of a pathetic parody of poetry, like each participating Literotician tried to make it more meaningless and silly than the one before and after. Isn't it a wrong kind of a competition?

Best regards,

 

[Senna Jawa]

jews talk about
their old neighborhood
of prophets

about the unseen
ever present neighbor





​

wh,
1997

 

[Senna Jawa]

silver tree
in the sky
then thunder

it takes years
to understand einstein






​

wh,
1997

 

[Senna Jawa]

Here are a number of examples

Beautiful!

by sundry poets of the past 13 centuries to help illustrate the form in a way that no explanation ever could:

In Lady Ise's poem it should be "where", not "were", I think (?). Let me comment under each tanka.

Soon my life will close
When I am beyond this world
And have forgotten it,
Let me remember only this:
One final meeting with you.
​

– Izumi Shikibu

So bold, so direct, so simple, and so wonderful. The third transition line is deliciously precise. It gives a gentle paradox and a contrast with the next one.

Even when the gods
Held sway in ancient days,
I have never heard
That water gleamed with autumn red
As it does in Tatta's stream.
​

– Ariwara no Narihira

Bold again! A powerful magnification. A contrast between the grand (ancient, gods) and the local (the stream). A contrast but at the same time harmony. I feel how gods are missing the gleam of the Earthly water.

Destined to fall soon
The cherry blossom
Is short lived.
Yet it makes one wait
Such a long, long time.
​

– Lady Ise

Delicate, simple while far from trivial. There is an interesting, unexpected contrast between the different dimensions: the tiny, fragile cherry blossom (the spatial dimension) contra the length of the weight (the time dimension). I get the somewhat chilling feeling of time being two-dimensional like a black semi-transparent muslin of the size of a prairie.

At the break of day,
Just as though the morning moon
Lightened the dim scene,
Yoshino's village lay
In a haze of falling snow.
​

– Sakanoue no Korenori

Image and mood. Beautiful. Distant zoom-perspective. So convincing!

The depths of the hearts
Of humankind cannot be known.
But in my birthplace
The plum blossoms smell the same
As in the years gone by.
​

– Ki no Tsurayuki

Hm, not good. But still a strong finish.

The wild geese depart
Ignoring the arrival
Of the springtime haze—
Is it because they dwell
In realms where flowers never bloom?
​

– Lady Ise

Interesting! Strong images. This text is not too smooth (translation?). Not the highest art of words (translation?), e.g. "ignoring". And I would simply rather remove "In realms" then allow for such language. However, I can forget the wording and then I can see and absorb this poem without words, and then it's beautiful!

The rooster's crowing
In the middle of the night
Deceived the hearers;
But at Osaka's gateway
The guards are never fooled.
​

– Sei Shonagon [ED. Author of one of my favourite (mostly) prose works.]

A truly, truly great poem! My favorite.



It's late, I am sleepy, I'll stop now (a bit sad ).

 

[UnderYourSpell]

You're very kind, but this page looks to me like some kind of a pathetic parody of poetry, like each person tried to make it more meaningless and silly than the one before and after. Isn't it a wrong kind of a competition?

Best regards,

We came in here to learn and enjoy and if you don't like what you see it doesnt give you the right to call our efforts meaningless silly and pathetic when kinder wording would have sufficed. I don't stick shitty remarks on your poetry so be kind enough to return the favour. I'm not the only one you have upset by these remarks and there's no way you should just slink in and think you can get away with it. Sorry Equinox but it needed to be said

 

[Tathagata]

.....

 

[Angeline]

mist rising from streets
a warm October rain past
old man rakes his lawn
red leaves like blood drops congeal
a vision of hell

Excellent. I'd take out "congeal" though. See what you think. (And check out the 30/30 thread: I wrote another Amante. Any suggestions most welcome from you.)

 

[champagne1982]

Senna, this is a working and learning thread for dabblers. If you want serious discussion and indepth essays on Oriental poetry, I'd suggest you seek a thread or a forum specifically dedicated to just that very thing. I think that if you don't recognize our western efforts for the simple exercises they are, then you're sadly and wrongly attributing a giant-ass ego to people who don't think that everything they post is the official and final word on a form.

The masters of Tanka who penned the examples of excellent poetry used in this thread are appreciated for what they are, as are their works, but so are those poets who are trying to learn the form and technique, adapting it to our western culture and language. If you don't like it, then fine, but you shouldn't criticize someone else on their opinion. I feel that's rude.

Might I suggest that you try expressing a positive reinforcement towards a participant's writing rather than a blanketing negative dismissal and, as Thumper's Daddy always says, "If you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all." There are other ways to teach a lesson than with a whip.

 

[JakobMariaMierscheid]

You're very kind, but this page looks to me like some kind of a pathetic parody of poetry, like each person tried to make it more meaningless and silly than the one before and after. Isn't it a wrong kind of a competition?

Best regards,

The last example posted prior to this quoted statement was written by yourself.

Are you stating that your poem is the most "meaningless and silly" one posted to that point?

My own impression is that I don't think your poem is that bad, but I am unfamiliar with east Asian forms and you may, in fact, be right.

 

[Equinoxe]

In Lady Ise's poem it should be "where", not "were", I think (?). Let me comment under each tanka.

Yes, it was a typo that resulted from my writing out the poem. Thank you for your specific comments on those poems, I think that they are illustrative of the elements of a well written tanka.

Sorry Equinox but it needed to be said

There is no need to apologise.

This thread is supposed to be a learning experience and introduction to a poetic form and style that is perhaps unfamiliar to most here, and I would like to think, for everyone else and for myself, that it has been educational and that people are learning something. I am pleased with everyone's efforts and I hope that people feel that they are getting a feel for the form, and even if it is not a form that people will embrace in their own writing, I hope, at least, that they will develop an appreciation for the writing of others.

I regret that the thread has acquired the tone that it has.

_______________________________________________

I have been trying to select an occasion for occasional poems; unfortunately, this is not perhaps not the ideal time of year for that. International Day of Non-Violence (the 2nd—the birthday of Mahatama Gandhi), World Animal Day (the 4th—the Feast of Saint Francis of Assisi), the Feast of Saints Sergius and Bacchus (the 7th), Leif Erikson Day (the 9th—the date of his landing in Canada), etc. etc. etc.—so I think we shall go with the International Day of Non-Violence.

Please remember that the ideal of the form is not necessarily to write a poem in praise of the day in its specific designation and concept (I point out, again, the tanka by Empress Michiko for the birthday of the Empress Dowager), but to write a poem symbolic of and inspired by the sentiment and ideal of the day and how it impacts you as a poet.

 

[champagne1982]

Enjoy The Weather

Winds batter shores
sun beats down
thunder crashes in the clouds
snow flakes birth
gentle mist blankets valleys
frost sparkles

 

[JakobMariaMierscheid]

I regret that the thread has acquired the tone that it has.

The blank page in my notebook that evokes the pristine white beaches of San Seriffe seems to be exceedingly calming. I admire your restraint and your simple and easy guidance of the thread back to topics of forum importance.

My apologies for perhaps contributing to some degree of contentiousness.

I appreciate your graceful example of how to deal with such.

 

[Senna Jawa]

The last example posted prior to this quoted statement was written by yourself.

Are you stating that your poem ...

I am too modest for that.

 

[sassynyc]

international day of non-violence

the verbal sword
draws no blood, slicing air
empty, it lies
without offer of sacrifice
little more than mute metal​