Poetry Bootcamp

[TheDR4KE]

What is choriamb? An herb? I honestly don't know, and looking it up would require getting out of my seat.

Why do you need to get out of your seat to surf on over to http://www.dictionary.com/cgi-bin/dict.pl?term=choriamb ?

;-)

Drake

 

[Whispersecret]

Because I'm a bookish girl. Always have been, always will. I even wear specs.

 

[perks]

As the punctuation police, it is my duty to point out that it should be "image, verse, and rhyme."

I work with punctuation last. I put it where I want the direction or flow of the voice to go. You're correct, grammatically a comma should go there. But, I wanted those two words to be read ia quick pass. May I claim poetic license?

What is choriamb? An herb? I honestly don't know, and looking it up would require getting out of my seat.

cho·ri·amb n. 1. A metrical foot consisting of a trochee followed by an iamb, much used in Greek and Latin poetry. 2. A foot of verse used in lyric poetry having two unstressed syllables flanked by the two rhythmic stresses marking the first and last syllables of the foot. –chori·ambic adj


obviously I did alot of research on poetic form, focusing on Homer Pindar and his styles. I was on an Odyssey of seduction, searching for Homer and his poem. It's quite deep if you study it. Or I'd like to think so anyway. A journey through a maze of poetic vocabulary to discover an art and an artist is quite delicious!

I wish I had a talent for sucking up at the level more often. I might actually become a poet with such direction.

perky

 

[JUDO]

Re: Re: Fun, but difficult

Judo's
Forbidden Window

On night's soft cape my feet glide near to fear
Cold shapes amidst warm light her drapes contain.
Apart the cloth its tale thrust bare so near
My stare becomes a want so close to pain.

I like "night's soft cape."
Thanks.

"Apart the cloth" -- does that mean "if you part the cloth, you get to see her nekkie?" Seems a little awkward.
Yeah, it is. I wanted an image of the peeping place between the curtains. Perhaps..."Between curtains, a tale thrust bare. I leer." No?

Like that fourth line a lot.
Every dog has its day.

Stone's press my breasts as quick my heart does peal
Against the sill as she my love disrobes.
A flick of nails and buttons flesh reveal
A swelling breast devine as finger probes.

I don't understand the first line at all.
The peeper is leaning against the outside of the window and their heart is beating heavily. Still no clue? Read on.

I'd have enclosed "my love" with commas.
Good suggestion. Thanks.

Flick of nails sounds kind of harsh to me for this soft poem.
Hmmm...perhaps "A parting seam..."

It should be "divine," not "devine."
Yikes! Oop-see.

A graceful neck extends to Heav'n below
As silk and stays do drift past bottom's pink.
My lust thirsts deep for nectar's peach does glow
But sees me not I fear but look a wink…


I adore this stanza. So vivid. I suddenly see her as a maid from time past. Beautiful.

Thanks, WS. The 'stays' leads my mind there, too.

I'd have punctuated the last line like this:

But sees me not. I fear but look a wink.
I was thinking to change it like this: "But sees me not I fear, but look a wink..." What do you think?

Her smile says more than words could ever bear.
I climb to kiss those lips so wet, so fair.

Ah, a bit of a surprise ending. Makes me wonder if she knew he was there all along. Lovely!
Here's a bigger surprise. Which lips? And what made you think it was a 'he?' lol.

With the changes, it reads:

Forbidden Window

On night's soft cape my feet glide near to fear
Cold shapes amidst warm light her drapes contain.
Between curtains, a tale thrust bare. I leer.
My stare becomes a want so close to pain.

Stone's press my breasts as quick my heart does peal
Against the sill as she, my love, disrobes.
A parting seam and buttons flesh reveal
A swelling breast divine as finger probes.

A graceful neck extends to Heav'n below
As silk and stays do drift past bottom's pink.
My lust thirsts deep for nectar's peach does glow
But sees me not I fear, but look a wink…

Her smile says more than words could ever bear.
I climb to kiss those lips so wet, so fair.


- Judo

 

[Whispersecret]

Oh, duh. She's a girl. SHeesh. Color me dense. That also explains the title.

I like the second version better.

 

[Whispersecret]

I work with punctuation last. I put it where I want the direction or flow of the voice to go. You're correct, grammatically a comma should go there. But, I wanted those two words to be read ia quick pass. May I claim poetic license?

Of course.

I wish I had a talent for sucking up at the level more often. I might actually become a poet with such direction.

Ain't inspiration wonderful when it comes?

 

[JUDO]

DP and RW

DP -

Loved "Hope". Particularly liked the story within the sonnet and the liberty you took with the last two stanzas rhyme scheme. Creative and it works.

RW -

Loved the final couplet on "Athena."

Yet, though we hurtle stars and choke on dust
I'll cherish flesh until it fades to rust

Had some trouble with the third line, first stanza:

She saw through all the vast expanse of empty

11 syllables? Unless there is some way to make 'empty' one syllable.

Plus, both of these sonnets had a similar problem for me. While most of the lines have the 10 syllables, it was often difficult to feel the rhythm "taDAH taDAH taDAH taDAH taDAH" with the word choices or accent positions.

Is this something that can be played with? Or if we are being strict IA, do we need to be really careful to achieve the musical cadence?

 

[Ded Poet]

judo

Thanks Judo for your comments.

My sonnet, 'Hope' can really only be considered a very rough draft. Like you, I like the story-line idea. And, like you, I am dismayed by the rhythm of the piece as it stands. Further, the word choice is in general rather dull. The last line of the first stanza does not flow well, etc.

Your observations are right on the money.

DP

 

[Vailyn]

Keep Bootcamp in one place?

Hey, can we have the poetry bootcamp on this one thread? That way we don't lose any of the lessons/poems entered by others by having the thread get old and die off.

SONNETS ARE STILL KICKIN MY ROYAL BATUTTI! Er, sorry! <Grins> But man, is this thing kickin my butt well and good. LoL!

Anyways, love the stuff in Poetry Bootcamp Deux, but can we keep the learning all on this one? That way we won't lose previous lessons and etc.

Just an idea.

-V

 

[KillerMuffin]

Perhaps we could run two threads. One where we have our contributions and one where we have lessons?

 

[Whispersecret]

Okay, yeah, I'll admit I've counted...

Daughter maintains that if you give feedback, you're more likely to get it.

I'm kinda not seeing that.

KM got feedback on her sonnet from Redwave, Shameless Flirt, Perky, and me (4).

She gave no feedback on anyone else's. (But I know she has a rule to give no feedback unless directly asked.)

I have taken the time to comment on four sonnets here. Drake's. Killermuffin's. Judo's. Perky's.

I got feedback from one person, U.P. (KM helped me with my sonnet before I posted it because I asked her.)

To tell the truth I'm starting to feel hurt. (If I sound like a drama queen, slap me. I hate that.)

But hell, I'm spending a lot of time to give people meaningful feedback (not just here but everywhere on this board) and then I only got feedback from UP who doesn't even write poetry. I really really hate to sound like a whiner, but what gives? Are you afraid to tell me it's bad? For God's sake, just tell me. I can take it. I point out enough "bad things" in other people's stuff that at the very least I deserve to have my cheek slapped back. YOu know?

 

[TheDR4KE]

Re: Okay, yeah, I'll admit I've counted...

Daughter maintains that if you give feedback, you're more likely to get it.

I'm kinda not seeing that.

KM got feedback on her sonnet from Redwave, Shameless Flirt, Perky, and me (4).

She gave no feedback on anyone else's. (But I know she has a rule to give no feedback unless directly asked.)

I have taken the time to comment on four sonnets here. Drake's. Killermuffin's. Judo's. Perky's.

Sorry Whisper

I've been very busy with work, and have been writing just a bit of poetry for balance -- critique was scaring me off until I get the last few revisions for my thesis out the door. Too much reasoning required, not enough creativity...

I will comment on the round 2 poems when I'm free again, as well as the sonnets here.

Drake

 

[TheDR4KE]

My Debt To A Gay Man

It was, I thought, a graceless, choking chore,
A spousal obligation duly paid,
The drowning rush of sperm I so abhorred
My mouth, a glut of bitter disarray.
By chance I found a website indiscreet,
A source of racy wisdom, swiftly read:
…Descend with sheath of lips and tongue and teeth
To lavish ‘pon the spicy swollen head…
So thus I sought my power, pursued the thrill,
Commanded senseless, slack-jawed male daze!
My inner doubt resolved with newfound skill,
His lethargy, a soundless accolade.
I’m free from prudish notions obsolete,
The circle of Eve’s heritage complete.

Firstly -- I really liked your sonnet. The use of the title to add extra information, the quoting, the topic ;-) lots of value in this work.

The language is excellent. Long words work very well in sonnets.

The only problems I have with the flow when reading it out aloud is in lines 9 and 10. "power, pursued" and "male daze" throw me out. I know how hard it is to get that rhythm working through the whole piece -- I'm still letting My Succubus percolate in my head to correct some of the things you pointed out and some of the things that I found when recording it (which incidentally is an excellent tool for editing your poetry).

The couplet is supposed to be something special and apart, isn't it? Some concluding statement or question, right?

Yes, it's intended to be epigrammatic, almost standing alone. If you could somehow get the contribution of the gay man towards completing Eve's circle into that last line, for example. Don't ask me how though -- my brain hurts too much at the moment for analytical thought. Another few days only hopefully, and then a weekend to recover, and I'll be back to clear thought.

Drake

 

[JUDO]

Nothing more...

Sorry, WS. Came in late to this thread. Saw the critiques, etc. of your sonnet. Read it. Liked it. Had no more to say than what had been said. I guess a lot of us are probably that way-sad to say.

But!

I REALLY liked all the info on form. Thanks, everyone for that.


- Judo

 

[Vailyn]

KM: Good Idea!

Perhaps we could run two threads. One where we have our contributions and one where we have lessons?

Sounds good to me!

Hey, I also have a suggestion. Since people would like to have their work for Poetry Bootcamp read and commented on; why not post those works on Criticism Forum thread? That way, everyone could have someone see their work and get a comment here or there. That's what it's there for, right?

::goes back ta work, yeah I work! =P::

-V

 

[Whispersecret]

Thanks Drake. I appreciate your comments. I've been working on the tenth line, and it's still a bitch. Here's my revision. It's not as much of a tongue twister as it was, but I still don't think it's quite there. Maybe I should just abandon the image of my man completely drained and leave it solely to line 12.

So, the rhymes that weren't really complete rhymes didn't bother you? U.P. pm'd me with his answers to my questions, and he still didn't care for them. I thought, and still think, they're close enough to not be bothersome. But that might be because only one person has mentioned that. What do you think?

It was, I thought, a graceless, choking chore,
A spousal obligation duly paid,
The drowning rush of sperm I so abhorred
My mouth, a glut of bitter disarray.
By chance I found a website indiscreet,
A source of racy wisdom, swiftly read:
…Descend with sheath of lips and tongue and teeth
To lavish ‘pon the spicy swollen head…
So thus I sought my power, pursued the thrill,
That universal, slack-jawed male daze.
My inner doubt resolved with newfound skill,
His lethargy, a soundless accolade.
I’m free from prudish notions obsolete,
The circle of Eve’s heritage complete.

 

[HomerPindar]

First, my appologies for not keeping up on this thread in the last week, an oversight on my part left me without phone service for much of the week. Hey, I maybe a poet, but I suck at paying the bills...

obviously I did alot of research on poetic form, focusing on Homer Pindar and his styles. I was on an Odyssey of seduction, searching for Homer and his poem. It's quite deep if you study it. Or I'd like to think so anyway. A journey through a maze of poetic vocabulary to discover an art and an artist is quite delicious!

I wish I had a talent for sucking up at the level more often. I might actually become a poet with such direction.

perky

Are you kidding? You do all of this research for a poem, claiming me as insperation, and you don't think that's proper talent for sucking up?

Well, I for one won't ask you to stop sucking...

Yeah, poetry and bad puns, ain't'cha all lucky?

HomerPindar