Poetry in Progress ~ construction zone

[Liar]

Liar in weird fetish territory. Have no idea where this came from.


vampires
1st draft

the lingering taste of metal
trickling from the edge of your mouth
takes no prisoners

you feel the heat
like soothing balm
lethal lubrication
drip
drip
drip
from your chin
then throw your head to the sky
and feel poignant sweetness

paint a red tattoo
instead of falling
linger in the hollow of your throat
pefore plunging down to suicide
crushed
between overflowing
pushed up wonders
mauled
under my greedy hands

and not before I smell
that hauntingly familiar
but evading perfume
dirt dread
life love
disaster
I slow down
disengage lips
from your hazelnut hue
and open my eyes

to a Mars landscape
smeared over naked hills

and mad melodic laughter
prattled drilling spikes
into the air
like your fingernails
aimed urgent at my lungs
from behind

drawing life essence
of their own

        don't you fucking dare stop!
        not now, not yet!
        don't worry, I just bit
        my lip
        too hard is all

deep red crimson
claims all I see
that sticky trickle
smothering sanity
and I sweep down
ascend to your flaming face
descend to savor
iron and energy
life and love
with a kiss

drink
your primal sacrifice
this one unique
insane moment

 

[doormouse]

don't you fucking dare stop!
not now, not yet!
don't worry, I just bit
my lip
too hard is all


Just being a pest here.. sorry.

I'm trying to understand why you broke the sentence where you did...

don't worry, I just bit
my lip
too hard is all

to me, I'd break it different, but i'm learning and trying to work out where and why sentences are broken where they are.

don't worry,
I just bit my lip
too hard is all.

 

[Liar]

Just being a pest here.. sorry.

I'm trying to understand why you broke the sentence where you did...

don't worry, I just bit
my lip
too hard is all

Hey, no apologies! This is the thread where 'being a pest' is very encouraged.

Franky, my dear, I have no idea. It just felt...right. Your suggestion will be considered for draft 2. Thanks.

 

[ferociouskittycat]

seriously Liar, (doormouse here LOL)

My poems suck and I'm trying to learn from the pros.

To me, I would have written it the way I showed, but it's boring.

I'm trying to work out how and why you guys break your sentences the way you do.

Is there a trick? A secret?

I've had it pointed out that it's to evoke the reader to the next line... spur them on... emphasize the words more.

Sorry again. I'm a beginner trying really hard to understand.

 

[ferociouskittycat]

Okay, sorry.

Just reread and can see where 'bit' is emphasized.

I'll keep that in mind. (making notes in my ever increasing 'how to' folder)

 

[BlueskyBeauty]

1st draft

"i'm strait god damnit"
spoken lies
that held no power,
to your eyes
that pierced my secret.

you saw the way
my hunger grazed their curves
eyes undressed
and fed my sweet seductions
as they sought out the forbidden.

you told it often
how gay i was,
but i still
had yet to find me.

denied i did,
the force and pull
your cursing words
brought forth.

one day unsuspecting,
your brilliance
caged my silence

with unspoken words
you pinned my truth
against the wall

no place to run
your body pressed me in
eyes engaging on my secret
your palms against the wall
forcing breathlessness to rise
swallowing the lies
you saw through hungered tremble

my heart was thunder
as your lips drew near
and mine watered with arousal
then opened their surrender
as your breathe then bathed my tongue.
my body shivered,
chin quivered,
without words they begged
you for that kiss.

tornado flurry
blew me windless
straight turned and left
your devastation,
me quite undone.

you stood there laughing
told me to sell the world my lies
no longer were you buying.

years would pass
before i'd prove
that you were right
and now my one regret
is that you turned
without the feel of
truthful lips.

 

[BlueskyBeauty]

2nd draft

I'm strait god damnit"
spoken lies
that held no power
to your eyes,
that pierced my
mystery.

you saw the way
my hunger grazed
sensual curves, eyes
undressed
and fed my
sweet seductions,
seeking the forbidden.

you spoke it often
how gay I was,
but I still
had yet to find me.

denied I did,
the force and pull
your cursing words
brought forth.

one day unsuspecting,
your brilliance
caged my silence,

with unspoken words
you pinned my truth
against the wall.

no place to run
your body pressed me in
eyes engaging on my
secret
your palms
against the wall
forcing breathlessness
to rise
swallowing the lies
you saw through hungered tremble

my heartbeat thunder,
as lips drew near,
mine watered with arousal,
then opened their
surrender,
as your warm breathe
bathed my tongue,
my body shivered,
chin quivered without words,
begged you for that kiss.

tornado flurry
blew me windless,
straight turned and left your
devastation.
me quite undone,

you stood there
laughing
told me to sell the
world my lies
no longer were you buying.

years would pass
before I'd prove
how right you were.

my one regret
is that you turned
without the feel of
truthful girlie lips.

 

[BlueskyBeauty]

1st draft

with warm embrace
silence speaks a million words
through tears that wept,
then swept away the laughter.
everyday i search my wisdom
for perfect words to tell you.
quiet seems much wiser
as windows piercing,
penetrate your devastation.

you shared the fear
that hides behind
your mascarading smile
no words seem the wiser as
necklines wet with salty raindrops
an ocean flood of sorrow
mingled now
to sooth each others sadness.

remembering a moment sought
to chase away the darkness
years ago with stoubborn hearts
our pms erupting til we quarrel,
you hit the brakes
french silk pie went flying
we laughed until our eyes were crying.

finially the words were found
as we talked about that time
and laughed again until we cried
dried the tears
and sought the years
that stilled our troubled hearts

when tomorrow comes
cancer still stares at your reflection
i may not have the wisdom hun
to have it all make sense
but a heart that loves you dearly
and will walk your darkest hour.

 

[BlueskyBeauty]

with warm embrace
silence speaks a million words
through tears that wept,
then swept away the laughter.
everyday I search my wisdom
wanting merciful words
of revelation.

quiet seems much wiser,
as soulish windows
piercing,
penetrate your devastation.

you shared the fear
that hides behind
your mascarading smile.

calculated words seem foolish,
trying to answer Solomon
questions.

necklines wet with salty raindrops,
an ocean flood of sorrow,
mingled now
to sooth each others
sadness.

remembering a moment sought
to chase away the darkness
years ago with
stubborn hearts
our pms erupting 'til we quarrel--
you hit the brakes...
french silk pie went flying...
we laughed until our eyes were crying.

finially, words were found.

we talked about that time,
laughed again until we cried,
dried the tears,
and sought the years,
that stilled our troubled hearts.

when tomorrow comes
malignancy
still stares at your reflection,

I may not have the forsight, hun,
to settle our confusion,
but arms to hold,
instilling peace,
with heart that loves you dearly
we'll walk your darkest hour.

 

[BlueskyBeauty]

1st draft

your courage rises.
shines within a world of shadows
lurking even at this moment
waiting for their gloried moment
when they can pounce and
pluck you away from us.
your strength endures.
somedays i just can't stand it,
knowing what meets you in the autumn
of your life.
you lived your spring,
walked with me through summer,
held my hand when i was frightened
even through great storms
which stole my warmest days
and numbed me nerves and senses.
your smile warmed my chill
left me hoping for tomorrow.
now tomorrows here my friend
and sensation has returned,
i dance into my autumn,
pausing long enough
to hold your hand,
weep beside the shadows,
now that the tides have tuirned.
your eyes reveal your secret,
courage has her place
but fear can't hide from friendship.
i only hope my smile,
and the time i have
to hold your hand
and hold your heart
gives you peace,
when winds are changing,
and storms now rise above you,
just like you did for me
through all them years of sorrow.

god damn i'm going to miss you

 

[annaswirls]

I.

it started when the orange paintstick
bled into spilled water

his ink stained thumbnail digs under her
tight tendons playing slippery strings
of a silent cello

encore fingers curl under the
push on marionette tendons
following his lead in a
bone pulling bone slow dance grip

II.

It all started with
a broken water glass and a loose wire

blue veins collapse
as he drains blood with a wide thumb push
through one-way valves before

teasing apart striated muscle rolling
pointed tongue over her nerve fibers

axons play hot potato with searing signals
cerebrum scrambles for an explanation

She awakens
with the taste of copper in her mouth
fingers waiting for direction

 

[tungtied2u]

Cold comfort a start

Snow stuck mind
numb, chill
blizzard blind
no tip of nose
eyelash end

snowbound
crystal ice
no thought
distorted or
otherwise

Frozen flurry
frenzy freeze
twin pop torpor
insert stick
bite bitter breeze

 

[tungtied2u]

Cold comfort more

Snow stuck mind
numb, chill
blizzard blind
no tip of nose
eyelash end

snowbound
crystal ice
no thought
distorted or
otherwise

Frozen flurry
frenzy freeze
twin pop torpor
insert stick
bite bitter breeze

avalanche isolation
buried beneath
movement
restricted
await relief

cloud white crush
defeats vision
cold comfort
only self
derision

 

[tungtied2u]

Cold Comfort 3rd draft

Storm stalled mind
numb, chill
blizzard blind
no tip of nose
eyelash end

Frenzied flurry flash
dizzy, dancing
detours thought
crystal ice
distortion

Blanket biting sting
avalanche isolation
enforced torpor
flaked out
and over

Cloud white cocoon
catacomb quiet
cold comfort
cloaks self
derision

 

[Tathagata]

Possible audio poem.........

.....

 

[DeepAsleep]

I've seen myself
in some distant overlook in my mind
wandering
back to moments, places
looking for shadows of understanding
stains of happiness
some clue
as to what it all meant
only to discover what I already knew
theres nothing left

The line "in some..." could be reworked - it sticks out in a way I don't think you intended.

This:

women are traces of perfume
there is nothing of them that remain

reminded me of walking through the bar, when I was wiping down tables and tossing ashtrays in the sink.

I like the paring down/dying/fading out theme that runs through this, and how you seem to have set yourself in both sides of this, inside and out, which is why I think the first two verses are important. (Listen to me, hah! Analysis with a cheeseburger stuffed in my face!)

The second stanza, about the scar feels a little stilted and off-kilter and I dunno if that's intentional. Minor tweaking, or am I missing something?

I like it, tho, all in all.

~D.A.

 

[Tathagata]

reminded me of walking through the bar, when I was wiping down tables and tossing ashtrays in the sink.

I like the paring down/dying/fading out theme that runs through this, and how you seem to have set yourself outside of it, looking over it all, which is why I think the first stanza is important (Listen to me, hah! Analysis with a cheeseburger stuffed in my face!)

I like it, tho'.

~D.A.

thank you
it is a very early draft
just a jumble of ideas at this point


cheeseburgers are hangover food man

 

[Syndra Lynn]

feedback please

I know this needs work, but can't seem to see where. Out of practice, ya know.--


Burney Falls

Glorious sound!
thundering, crashing song
echoes in my heart

Torrents tumble
carving hollows
where shadows dance
between sparkling cascades

Silver rivulets caress
deep brown earth
bright green ferns

rising mist
wrapped in rainbow ribbons
lifts my spirit
to soar with eagles

Ancient trees guard
ageless, elegant grace
warm scent of pine
rises, plunges
from sunlit cliffs

single droplets
spiral down
exultant splash

one hundred gallons
every minute!
falling, falling, falling
into churning pool

deepest blue
to emerald green
white capped waves
roll across boulders
capture my soul

Turbulent chaotic jumble
perfect serenity

 

[tungtied2u]

Re: feedback please

I know this needs work, but can't seem to see where. Out of practice, ya know.--


Burney Falls

Glorious sound!
thundering, crashing song
echoes in my heart

Torrents tumble
carving hollows
where shadows dance
between sparkling cascades

Silver rivulets caress
deep brown earth
bright green ferns

rising mist
wrapped in rainbow ribbons
lifts my spirit
to soar with eagles

Ancient trees guard
ageless, elegant grace
warm scent of pine
rises, plunges
from sunlit cliffs

single droplets
spiral down
exultant splash

one hundred gallons
every minute!
falling, falling, falling
into churning pool

deepest blue
to emerald green
white capped waves
roll across boulders
capture my soul

Turbulent chaotic jumble
perfect serenity

The only thing that comes to mind initially Syn is it doesn't seem to have a real direction. Seems a bit scattered- you know- back and forth. Perhaps if if you start at the top and stop where it drops- if you catch my drift. Just a thought.
By the way, I've been to several of these places, many in my neck of the woods. You're right- it is glorious.

 

[Tathagata]

2nd

.....

 

[Syndra Lynn]

Re: Re: feedback please

The only thing that comes to mind initially Syn is it doesn't seem to have a real direction. Seems a bit scattered- you know- back and forth. Perhaps if if you start at the top and stop where it drops- if you catch my drift. Just a thought.
By the way, I've been to several of these places, many in my neck of the woods. You're right- it is glorious.

Thanks TT. I like the suggestion. Hope I find time to rework.

 

[Syndra Lynn]

Re: 2nd

the way a hand traces
the scar
unconciously
reliving the cause and effect
pink smooth karma
so I put my feet upon the path
of attempted recapture

I love this stanza.

Very sad poem. Made my tummy curl in.

Syn

 

[Tathagata]

3rd

.....

 

[Tathagata]

Re: Re: 2nd

I love this stanza.

Very sad poem. Made my tummy curl in.

Syn

such a cute tummy


thanks Sis

 

[Tathagata]

4th

.....