Poetry in Progress ~ construction zone

[PatCarrington]

I don't know why I say the narrator is the protagonist--I just felt that as I read it. Who else would you be writing about?

I think third person--given that--is too removed. I also think first person gives the poem the intimacy it really should have because it is a personal statement, seems to me.

can't you say that about any poem?

it was actually triggered simply by the sight of a boy who was separated from others he obviously wanted to be with, outside a movie theatre on the boardwalk. he had one of those built-up shoes. i think it was actually a birthday party of some sort. there were mothers and balloons.

i may try it in first person, but i don't know if my heart will be in it.

i don't like guns.

thanks, you.

 

[Tathagata]

not "unblemished" if the photo is miscolored? there's a better word here that would suggest a transient perfection--maybe if I have some coffee and wake up I'll figure out what it is...

does secrets not mean to put it in his hand quickly so no one sees it??

thanks ange
still fiddling and diddling with it
as Johnny Most would say

 

[bluerains]

lovely pen~~

I have become the hand
that I see now
only in photos
instamatic mis-color
aging her even more

the hand that held mine
when crossing streets
and smoothed my cowlick
with spit
or dipity do

I am the bringer of wonder
who bends the rules
to make any day a birthday
and who conjures jelly candy
out of the air, and secrets it
into tiny fists

if you live long enough
you get to recreate
the good parts
instead of just
remembering them

Perhaps this is all there is
the ability to provide
the perfect world
for one moment

and then
retire
a god unblemished
remembered through photos
that never get it right

the first verse is just a delightful vision..
thanks..blue

 

[Angeline]

does secrets not mean to put it in his hand quickly so no one sees it??

thanks ange
still fiddling and diddling with it
as Johnny Most would say

I looked at three dictionary sites and I can't find secret as a verb. Isn't that odd? I've certainly heard it lots. I think "to secret" means to put away somewhere hidden, like to closet something away. I think you need a magician sounding word. lol. I'm a big help huh?

 

[Tathagata]

I looked at three dictionary sites and I can't find secret as a verb. Isn't that odd? I've certainly heard it lots. I think "to secret" means to put away somewhere hidden, like to closet something away. I think you need a magician sounding word. lol. I'm a big help huh?

well until you produce one through prestidigitation...secret stays, Ms Houdini



I've heard it used as in " was secreted away in the night" whisked off under cover

I feels right to me but if i can find something better....

 

[PatCarrington]

.....

 

[flyguy69]

I watch him grow
tall at first base, stretching
for throws a child can't reach.
He claps his glove, grins
on spread legs-- "C'mon,"
he cries, "bring the heat!"

 

[champagne1982]

well until you produce one through prestidigitation...secret stays, Ms Houdini



I've heard it used as in " was secreted away in the night" whisked off under cover

I feels right to me but if i can find something better....

It is a correct usage.

From dictionary.com, they use definitions from Webster's.
se·crete2 ( P ) Pronunciation Key (s-krt)
tr.v. se·cret·ed, se·cret·ing, se·cret·es
To conceal in a hiding place; cache. See Synonyms at hide1.
To steal secretly; filch.

So, go ahead, secrete your socks under the bed so that we're all wondering where in heck the parmesan cheese is.

 

[Tathagata]

It is a correct usage.

From dictionary.com, they use definitions from Webster's.
se·crete2 ( P ) Pronunciation Key (s-krt)
tr.v. se·cret·ed, se·cret·ing, se·cret·es
To conceal in a hiding place; cache. See Synonyms at hide1.
To steal secretly; filch.

So, go ahead, secrete your socks under the bed so that we're all wondering where in heck the parmesan cheese is.

Thank you

and

ick

 

[Tathagata]

I have become the hand
that exsists
only in photos
instamatic spectrum
aging her even more

the hand that held mine
when crossing streets
and smoothed my cowlick
with spit
or dippity do

I am the bringer of wonder
who bends the rules
to make any day a birthday
and who conjures jelly candy
out of the air, and secrets it
into tiny fists

if you live long enough
you get to recreate
the good parts
instead of just
remembering them

Perhaps this is all there is
the ability to provide
the perfect world
for one moment

and then
retire
a gray bearded god
remembered through photos
that dull the light

 

[Angeline]

Thank you

and

ick

It was secrete! Duh. That's why I couldn't find it!

I have made my peace with the term. lol.

(Thank you Champers.)

~ Ms. Houdini

 

[Angeline]

I have become the hand
that exsists
only in photos
instamatic spectrum
aging her even more

the hand that held mine
when crossing streets
and smoothed my cowlick
with spit
or dippity do

I am the bringer of wonder
who bends the rules
to make any day a birthday
and who conjures jelly candy
out of the air, and secrets it
into tiny fists

if you live long enough
you get to recreate
the good parts
instead of just
remembering them

Perhaps this is all there is
the ability to provide
the perfect world
for one moment

and then
retire
a gray bearded god
remembered through photos
that dull the light

gray-bearded needs a hyphen. so there.

 

[Tathagata]

gray-bearded needs a hyphen. so there.

Thanks Tara


( she was my personal hyphen nazi)

 

[PatCarrington]

.....

 

[flyguy69]

Ha! I am working on a moon one, too, though considerably less sinister! I don't have it here or I'd show you the first couple lines.

A clever take on the usually serene theme. I think you mean "elicit" in the final strophe, and I was puzzled by "learned his lies," expecting it to be "learned to lie."

Im looking forward to seeing this one take shape.

The Trial of the Moon


The moon has decided to present
his case, to defend his reputation.
He says he’s tired of taking the fall
for floods and madness. Tired
of being accused of complicity. Sick
of being so visible and convenient
a scapegoat. Sick of being told

he made the rules, that he’s the boss.
Of us handing him our responsibilities
for being carbon. And just plain sick
and tired of being. So he’s coming
clean. He swears he shines
the truth tonight, in his full light
he hands over a list of his crimes.

He did not choose his color, he says.
So how is it his fault if I see
my face on his and it’s yellow?

He did not ask for pull. So how
can he be guilty if all liquid
bends his way to chase a dream?

He did not pick his clothes. So
who can blame him for undressing
as he casts a robe of darkness
on the countries of a mind?

All the while he smiles that smile.
The devious look of someone
who has learned his lies well.
All of a sudden, he’s being nice.
Calming the seas with a gentler slant,
illuminating the world with royal light
he marks as borrowed, claiming
the sun as our true king. He must
want me as a character witness.
He’ll have to go some for that.

I don’t buy it. It sounds like the excuse
of a peasant to me. He’s trying
to pass the buck, grease the grooves,
trying to realign the world’s axis
with his sins. But he has managed,

at least, to illicit my sympathy.
How sad to place his throne
in common courtyards. How sad
a shrinking down. How sad to see
majesty stoop so low, so low.

 

[PatCarrington]

Ha! I am working on a moon one, too, though considerably less sinister! I don't have it here or I'd show you the first couple lines.

A clever take on the usually serene theme. I think you mean "elicit" in the final strophe, and I was puzzled by "learned his lies," expecting it to be "learned to lie."

Im looking forward to seeing this one take shape.

the moon is so overused. it forces one to attempt to be original (which is good practice in itself), or there's no sense even writing about it.

illicit.... ....you can see where my head is at.

 

[flyguy69]

the moon is so overused. it forces one to attempt to be original (which is good practice in itself), or there's no sense even writing about it.

illicit.... ....you can see where my head is at.

i'm thinking of titling mine "I Dare You to Read Another Moon Poem."

Although "Illicit Moon" might be good, too!

 

[Angeline]

i'm thinking of titling mine "I Dare You to Read Another Moon Poem."

Although "Illicit Moon" might be good, too!

I love writing about the moon. It's the best effing metaphor I know. It means everything.

Is Carrington giving you a hard time? I'll put a hurtin on him for you. Teehee.


Song About The Moon
Paul Simon

If you want to write a song about the moon
Walk along the craters of the afternoon
When the shadows are deep
And the light is alien
And gravity leaps like a knife off the pavement
If you want to write a song about the moon
And you want to write a spiritual tune
Then nah nah nah
Presto
Song about about the moon

If you want to write a song about the heart
Think about the moon before you start
Because the heart will howl
Like a dog in the moonlight
And the heart can explode
Like a pistol on a June night
So if you want to write a song about the heart
And its ever-longing for a counterpart
Write a song about the moon

The laughing boy
He laughed so hard
He fell down from his place
The laughing girl
She laughed so hard
The tears rolled down her face

Hey Songwriter?
If you want to write a song about
A face
Think about a photograph
You really can't remember
But you can't erase
Wash your hands in dreams and lightning
Cut off your hair
And whatever is frightening

If you want to write a song
About a face
If you want to write a song about
The human race
Write a song about the moon

If you want to write a song about the moon
And you want to write a spiritual tune
THEN DO IT
Write a song about the moon

 

[PatCarrington]

I love writing about the moon. It's the best effing metaphor I know. It means everything.

Is Carrington giving you a hard time? I'll put a hurtin on him for you. Teehee.

be nice to me.

 

[flyguy69]

be nice to me.

Or he'll moon you.

 

[Angeline]

be nice to me.

Ok. But don't make me give you a ticket. A moving poetry violation.

Oh god. I have to clean. ee and eaglets are home soon and I promised.

 

[Angeline]

Or he'll moon you.

Oh shut up.

 

[flyguy69]

Oh shut up.

I hear that a lot. Women always want to skip the foreplay.

 

[Angeline]

I hear that a lot. Women always want to skip the foreplay.

Oh I doubt that's it.

 

[PatCarrington]

This is not any place I know,
the northern willywags where the road
only pretends at civilization, smirks is 'smirks through wilderness' productive?
though wilderness, but doesn't maintain

anything because the forest leans
back from the shoulder, marginally
compliant, pines needle to needle
or stacked in damp matchstick piles.
The air is a thick green assertion, <--- great line!!
a groundswell of something primative, primitive

barely contained. i know you separated this because of the 2 words, but i don't think it's important enough to isolate

I am a face in the window, a flame
climatized from the storm, singing
hey you get offa my cloud to rain, you might want to do something, italics etc. to the song title. it's not essential, and i don't think i would, but it's something to think about
to dripping trees bent against
a darkening breeze. Soon Orpheus
descends on logging camps and dance halls,
houses weak with lamps, with frames
of splintered gingerbread. these last 3 lines (from 'Soon')are really strong.

We're just gaps between pine teeth--
new cabins, double wides and ATVs
sunk, smothered in mud season.

Jib's Mini Mart beckons camouflage
SUV boys and old men in shirtsleeves
and suspenders. Ayuh ayuh, yessir.

The Milo Rite Aid is a spaceship.
It took a wrong turn at Mars and fell
straight through the open sky only
to land near a brokendown bait shop.

We took two wrong turns over bridges. <---great followup to the last strophe
A wild tom and his fat hens scattered
down a hollow five miles back,
one missed left past the ranger station. this too!

Better turn now, better turn and this too! these last sections are very cohesive.
your eyes to mine my dear
before you laugh and shift the gear,
saying Ever see anything like here?

i like this a lot, ange.

i think the final step is to think hard about 'what doesn't belong.' even some of the well-phrased groupings may not serve a purpose to the whole, and their elimination might be beneficial to the piece in general.

the tighter this gets, especially because of the sections of starkness and desolation, the better, i think.