Poetry in Progress ~ construction zone

[PatCarrington]

.....

 

[Angeline]

i like this a lot, ange.

i think the final step is to think hard about 'what doesn't belong.' even some of the well-phrased groupings may not serve a purpose to the whole, and their elimination might be beneficial to the piece in general.

the tighter this gets, especially because of the sections of starkness and desolation, the better, i think.

Ok, I won't give you the ticket. I'll give you a hug instead because this kind of editing is hard to come by.

Let me answer you.

is 'smirks through wilderness' productive?

Productive in terms of meaning?

I said it to suggest that we (civilization, people) think we can control any terrain and that's sort of a swagger of an assumption, you know? Hence, "smirks" and I thought it was ok because the point (a few lines down) is that we can't really hold back nature (i.e., "maintain) in some places. If there's a better way to say it, tell me. Really, lol. If I am convinced I'll change it. It's the right thing to do.

i know you separated this because of the 2 words, but i don't think it's important enough to isolate

I separated it because I want the reader to pause between strophes and think about what that means. To me it's simultaneously awesome and creepy--but they sounded stupid in the poem.

you might want to do something, italics etc. to the song title. it's not essential, and i don't think i would, but it's something to think about

I know, I know, but that song really came on the radio and we were singing along through the forest, lol. It was a nice moment. I'll struggle with deleting it and see if I can.

The rest:

I'm not going to argue with compliments.

Overall:

i think the final step is to think hard about 'what doesn't belong.' even some of the well-phrased groupings may not serve a purpose to the whole, and their elimination might be beneficial to the piece in general.

the tighter this gets, especially because of the sections of starkness and desolation, the better, i think.

I agree. It was stark and desolate but the poem is not just about that. It's about a human adventure and there's a lot of warmth in it for me, too. It does need to be tightened though.

Do you think the ending is too lighthearted? Thank you bunches. I love a good critique. You're my friend (sorry for the sappiness lol).



Catbabe, if you're out there talk to me girl.

 

[Tathagata]

Ok, I won't give you the ticket. I'll give you a hug instead because this kind of editing is hard to come by.

Let me answer you.

is 'smirks through wilderness' productive?

Productive in terms of meaning?

I said it to suggest that we (civilization, people) think we can control any terrain and that's sort of a swagger of an assumption, you know? Hence, "smirks" and I thought it was ok because the point (a few lines down) is that we can't really hold back nature (i.e., "maintain) in some places. If there's a better way to say it, tell me. Really, lol. If I am convinced I'll change it. It's the right thing to do.

i know you separated this because of the 2 words, but i don't think it's important enough to isolate

I separated it because I want the reader to pause between strophes and think about what that means. To me it's simultaneously awesome and creepy--but they sounded stupid in the poem.

you might want to do something, italics etc. to the song title. it's not essential, and i don't think i would, but it's something to think about

I know, I know, but that song really came on the radio and we were singing along through the forest, lol. It was a nice moment. I'll struggle with deleting it and see if I can.

The rest:

I'm not going to argue with compliments.

Overall:

i think the final step is to think hard about 'what doesn't belong.' even some of the well-phrased groupings may not serve a purpose to the whole, and their elimination might be beneficial to the piece in general.

the tighter this gets, especially because of the sections of starkness and desolation, the better, i think.

I agree. It was stark and desolate but the poem is not just about that. It's about a human adventure and there's a lot of warmth in it for me, too. It does need to be tightened though.

Do you think the ending is too lighthearted? Thank you bunches. I love a good critique. You're my friend (sorry for the sappiness lol).



Catbabe, if you're out there talk to me girl.

Am I suppose to think about my crap this much??
Cuz if I am I'm takin my ball and goin home

 

[Angeline]

Am I suppose to think about my crap this much??
Cuz if I am I'm takin my ball and goin home

I know what you've been doing. It's written all over you post.

 

[PatCarrington]

is 'smirks through wilderness' productive?

Productive in terms of meaning?

I said it to suggest that we (civilization, people) think we can control any terrain and that's sort of a swagger of an assumption, you know? Hence, "smirks" and I thought it was ok because the point (a few lines down) is that we can't really hold back nature (i.e., "maintain) in some places. If there's a better way to say it, tell me. Really, lol. If I am convinced I'll change it. It's the right thing to do.

just on this one point, while it's in my head, ange.

in the poem you have the road smirking. road is the subject for smirking, no? is that what you wanted?

 

[Angeline]

just on this one point, while it's in my head, ange.

in the poem you have the road smirking. road is the subject for smirking, no? is that what you wanted?

Yes because the road winds. I see smirks in that.

 

[eagleyez]

Am I suppose to think about my crap this much??
Cuz if I am I'm takin my ball and goin home

what kinda ball you got Spanky?

you can come to my place.

that poem of Ange's was written after I drove her upcountry in scary Maine. Teeth otipnal up there, yessah!

it was a blast. we got lost, but good, once even.

How the Allen Sherman comin.

 

[Tathagata]

I know what you've been doing. It's written all over you post.

in vino veritas

 

[PatCarrington]

I agree. It was stark and desolate but the poem is not just about that. It's about a human adventure and there's a lot of warmth in it for me, too. It does need to be tightened though.

Do you think the ending is too lighthearted? Thank you bunches. I love a good critique. You're my friend (sorry for the sappiness lol).



Catbabe, if you're out there talk to me girl.

i think i got it now....the "road" is the arrogant human attempt at control.

seeing that now, i think that line IS productive.

i don't think the end is too light-hearted, but i think you can do better. as is, it is not one of the stronger points in the poem, to me.

cat's away being a mommy, at a traveling dance recital.

 

[Angeline]

i think i got it now....the "road" is the arrogant human attempt at control.

seeing that now, i think that line IS productive.

i don't think the end is too light-hearted, but i think you can do better. as is, it is not one of the stronger points in the poem, to me.

cat's away being a mommy, at a traveling dance recital.

Sounds like a circus.

But I wonder if I need to post commentary with this poem? I think that defeats the purpose.

 

[Tathagata]

what kinda ball you got Spanky?

you can come to my place.

that poem of Ange's was written after I drove her upcountry in scary Maine. Teeth otipnal up there, yessah!

it was a blast. we got lost, but good, once even.

How the Allen Sherman comin.

High ball
goof ball
basubaru-sox and yanks


down east eh?
cue the banjo and pull on the flannel


if you like hungarian food, they have a goulash which is very good

 

[Tathagata]

cat's away being a mommy, at a traveling dance recital.

oy vey
she is the super mom isn't she?

 

[Angeline]

oy vey
she is the super mom isn't she?

What about you? You bake Sponge Bob cookies.

 

[eagleyez]

High ball
goof ball
basubaru-sox and yanks


down east eh?
cue the banjo and pull on the flannel


if you like hungarian food, they have a goulash which is very good

Yessah, most of the fellas in suspenders and red and black checked flannel jackets. Young people flee that area and its predominatly old rugged farts knockin around. Moose and turkeys and pahtridge and such everywhere.

We are doing well against Mullet Randy and Wakes knuckler is pretty wicked.

My 10 yo is watching with me.

 

[PatCarrington]

oy vey
she is the super mom isn't she?

yes, she is.

i'm just glad i'm a guy.

i don't do leotards real well.

 

[Tathagata]

What about you? You bake Sponge Bob cookies.

I don't bake em
I just secrete them into his hand

 

[Angeline]

I don't bake em
I just secrete them into his hand

ewwwwww

 

[Tathagata]

yes, she is.

i'm just glad i'm a guy.

i don't do leotards real well.

And may I say we are all glad of the avoidance of leotards and yourself
; )

My niece used to do the dance thing
there is something endearing about 30 3 year old ballerinas in tutu's being " swans'

But when the competition comes into play it gets...well.....catty

 

[PatCarrington]

And may I say we are all glad of the avoidance of leotards and yourself
; )

My niece used to do the dance thing
there is something endearing about 30 3 year old ballerinas in tutu's being " swans'

But when the competition comes into play it gets...well.....catty

i've done more dance recitals than any man i know.

they have given me some very precious moments to remember - clumsy stumbles and wrong turns, inopportune picking at tight spots during solos, stacks of memorable pictures......

i doubt if i could ever get drunk enough to don leotards, though, but who knows. i went out for a few 'short ones' once, and wound up in Cleveland, so i guess anything's possible.

 

[Tathagata]

i've done more dance recitals than any man i know.

they have given me some very precious moments to remember - clumsy stumbles and wrong turns, inopportune picking at tight spots during solos, stacks of memorable pictures......

i doubt if i could ever get drunk enough to don leotards, though, but who knows. i went out for a few 'short ones' once, and wound up in Cleveland, so i guess anything's possible.

"inopportune picking at tight spots during solos"
LOL
or just wandering off the stage out of boredom

Little girls are precious and no matter how old they get
we see the little dancer with her hands over her head doing a pirouette


yeah...I ended up in chelsea at a place called " The Brown Jug"
80 cent Bavarian dark beers at 3 am
Most of the men there liked leotards i think

 

[Angeline]

"inopportune picking at tight spots during solos"
LOL
or just wandering off the stage out of boredom

Little girls are precious and no matter how old they get
we see the little dancer with her hands over her head doing a pirouette


yeah...I ended up in chelsea at a place called " The Brown Jug"
80 cent Bavarian dark beers at 3 am
Most of the men there liked leotards i think

My ballet class did Midsummer's Night's Dream every year and every year I wanted to be Titania the fairy queen, but they always made me be Mustard-Seed, lol. How prosaic!

 

[Tathagata]

My ballet class did Midsummer's Night's Dream every year and every year I wanted to be Titania the fairy queen, but they always made me be Mustard-Seed, lol. How prosaic!

typecasting

 

[Angeline]

typecasting

You suggesting it was ethnic mustard? They should have made me be Pastramia.

 

[Tathagata]

You suggesting it was ethnic mustard? They should have made me be Pastramia.

i was suggesting a pairing of temperment

 

[twelveoone]

"Show me your face
before you were born"

I'll show you cavernous boot marks in snow,
endless wandering
through chilled child forests,
pine trees, laden
in Morpheus crepe
slump spellbound,
paw prints , claw marks
and jackrabbit heels,
like fingers in flour,
slashed to bare earth
where life lingered for a second.

my face was the moon,
with lead lidded eyes,
somnambulant steps
past grown up things.

asleep to the worry
asleep to the pain

lulled and beloved,
I was led toward the sun.


dread the pin sharp waking,
return, to cool tree overhangs,
searching
for dream tread paths
among polar sentries.

yo!yo!yo!
wassup bro? turn the comments off?
these the only people that count?
no comments, no vote
it would have been a five
even though
I would have questioned this
"my face was the moon,
with lead lidded eyes,
somnambulant steps"
I got my ass reemed
for a poem about dreams
for useing words like this:
somnambulant
by a better man than you or I
I pulled the poem