PatCarrington
fingering the buttons
- Joined
- Jul 24, 2004
- Posts
- 1,624
.....
Last edited:
Follow along with the video below to see how to install our site as a web app on your home screen.
Note: This feature may not be available in some browsers.
That sounds like she's having a bowel motion...The pill she passes...
like his children? She’s still, answers
and asks no questions, not if it was
a petal that stained her fingers purple
or if strange creatures are always about
under the rocks of riverbeds, or
whether Orion is sleeping tight now.
wildsweetone said:That sounds like she's having a bowel motion...
wildsweetone said:Pat, there's something 'odd' about the 'not if it was...' . I don't know exactly what though... maybe it's to do with the wording just before it. It might be only the word 'not'. Sorry, it's just a feeling I have.
Tristesse said:Pat and fly - this has been like watching a butterfly open it's wings for the first time. Thanks, both.
wildsweetone said:Tathagata
She compares herself
to a broken sparrow
flying headlong ,frantic
into panes of glass
she mistakes for freedom.(would a broken sparrow fly?)
She wants to be saved but
shuns the rescuing hand,
that which soothes,
that nourishes.(maybe change, 'that' to 'and')
I've always been Christ the bird watcher,(worth capitalising B and W?)
healing the lame,giving sight to the blind
raising chicks who've fallen from nests,
pretending to bestow
the gift of flight.
They all leave.
They're suppose to.
Each one extracts their pound of flesh,(comma needed here?)
in time i'll never recapture,(I'll)
listening to them sing
or squawk,
while the demon of "wasting time"
prods my brain
incessantly.
It hurts a little to lose yourself
piece by piece
like some relic, wind scattered(wind-scattered)
to the 4 corners.(4 or four? one to nine is usually words)
A saviour or some lecherous martyr?
Each woman flips your coin.(almost cliche?)
I look at my new bird
but there's nothing left of me,
the others have picked me clean.(what kind of eyes do you have as you are looking at your new bird?)
Still, I try
to rebuild her wings with skeleton hands,(skeleton or skeletal?)
to recite the words
that open the skies,
to call the wind home.(I like this very much)
I remember when I was young
a pheasant crashed through my bedroom window.
It thrashed around
flying into walls and bureaus,
until my father caught it
and let it go,(change 'and' to 'then' - perhaps)
bleeding and half crazed.
maybe that's where i get it from.(capitalise 'm' and 'i')
it didn't know about transparent walls(capitalise 'i', what is 'it'?)
and wasn't looking for freedom
until it got trapped in my world.
maybe i'll tell her to be a pheasant.(capitalise 'm'; I'm not sure 'tell' fits in here, is it part of the character of whoever 'I' is?)
Tathagata said:wso
I usually work through the poems here bit by bit and only add punctuation and capitalization on the final draft
: )
it's a pain in the ass I know but that's how i work
I do thank you for your suggestions though.
I try and eliminate " and" from my poems a lot
when I first started I over used them
now I cut them out where ever I can
"broken" could also mean spiritually or mentally
in which case it could still fly
though, perhaps, it would have no reason to
It was not his feathered glory
pushing her vague terrified
thighs aside, but great wings
beating still on her shoulders.
The brush of night is concealment,
truth is sticky blood on white down,
linen dripped with wine. Claret
is clarity Divine One taking flight
and Leda lay spread across the rock.
She is sown with seeds of Troy.
Was she satiated, was she
saturated with the promise
of history or a curse of immortality?
darkmaas said:Angeline wrote:
I read it once and liked it.
I read it twice and liked it more.
Third time even more... but you're probably not surprised.
However at the risk of picking nits, the last line is not growing on me.
I think the problem is that the rest of the poem is powerfully basic, emotional imagery, then at the final breath, you smack us with a rather foppish intellectual issue. Maybe its just me, but surely there are bigger things on her mind.
On a petty note, your verb tense shifts in the last line of the second stanza.
However it's a good day when the first poem of the day is so gorgeous. Thanks.